Warnings: Mature Language, Sexual References, Mentions of Sexual Assault, Drug Addiction, Blacking Out, Spiralling, Mentions of E.D, Eating Disorders, Alcohol Abuse, Drug Abuse, Crying, Vomiting, Blackmail, Symptoms of Cocaine addiction.
Not proof read yet bc im lazy besties <3
P.S: I dont recommend anything that Alex is doing in this chapter, please stay safe everyone! She hits rock bottom so expect a lot of drug talk and mentions of assault but very vaguely.
𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬...𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬~𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬~𝐃𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐂𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐧
[𝐓𝐰𝐨 𝐖𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐬 𝐋𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫]
"𝐀𝐥𝐞𝐱𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐚, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 coming this morning." Headmistress Queller said, keeping her tone calm, polite and professional. I rolled my eyes, thankfully my Prada sunglasses hid that. I didn't want to be here, but the only way my mother would allow me to remain living wherever I decided that night was if I kept up with my classes and studies. I hadn't been, so, I forced myself to come to this meeting despite being high and a little drunk from the night before. "Well, I thought it best I make an appearance." I spoke softly, sipping on my coffee in a hope to feel a bit more sober and a little less shit. Ever since Yale, things haven't been going so good. I didn't dare tell anyone, besides Chuck and Nate- who have both been angels. I started appearing at the Penthouse less and less, Blair just presumed I was up to my partying tricks, which I was. It helped me cope, I suppose. "You've missed a lot of classes recently Alexandra." The headmistress stated, yeah like I didn't know that. It seemed easier to just not come in, not face everything.
"I understand that headmistress, yet I have required this time off too.. focus on my mental health." I half lied, I had been off as it felt too much but I doubt she'd class sending myself into oblivion as that. "Blair did inform me you were struggling, but it is a lot of school to miss. You know we have a counsellor for anyone to talk to." She explained. "There's no need for that, seriously, life will work itself out. I'm sure of it." I nonchalantly said as I dug my fingers into my palms under the table. "Miss Waldorf, I recommend you start taking things more seriously." She sternly said as I started to laugh at my fingers, the drugs kicked in hard and to me they looked like sausages. "Take your sunglasses off and look at me." She ordered. I let out a quiet huff and turned around to take them off, yet I looked at my reflection in the cabinet and felt disgusted with how I looked. I quickly put them back on and turned back around to Queller.
"Listen, I apologise for my behaviour, I shall fix myself and be back to Constance next week to start a fresh. In the meantime, I'll see what my parents can do about helping you get that coffee machine you yearn for in your office and more. Can this conversation be done with now?" I tried to keep my tone polite as I asked, yet that was the best I could do. "You may leave, but this is your last warning. Or else you'll face expulsion." She warned me sternly, I nodded then walked off.
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𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐦𝐲 sunglasses as I walked down the hall to see Nate ditching Chuck for Dan. As they walked past me, Nate offered me a loving smile to assure me, I flashed him one back in return then stood behind Chuck. "Aww poor Chuck! What is life without a friend to share it? With Tony on holiday you really are all alone seen as it looks like you lost yours to Humphrey." I taunted with a soft slur, he spun around and looked to me. "Who cares?" He began, yet stopped himself, he refused to bite back. "What's with the sunglasses? You hate people who wear outdoor wear indoors." Chuck questioned, his brows furrowing as he took me in, his tone soft- almost concerned. "It's a new thing I'm trying." I lied. "You're high, aren't you princess?" He asked me, his voice low. "Not at all, the light in here is just rather bright." I lied once more, his fingers reached up to my sunglasses making slight contact with my cheek. I pulled back.
"You can't lie the a master manipulator. Alex, you need to talk to someone rather than burying your head in the sand." Chuck began, lifting up the sunglasses to see my eyes then quickly placing them back down. "Or should I say snow?" He said in his same soft, sultry voice. I rolled my eyes behind my glasses yet before I could deny him once more he spoke again, "Talk to me Alex." "Charles there's simply no need." I gently said, stepping closer to him. "We're inevitable Waldorf, let me help. Let us be a team." His voice was soft as he said what I wanted to hear, yet I was far too fucked to have this conversation. Before I could even respond a hand grabbed my arm, "Ugh Alex don't go wasting your time with him, come, we have business to deal with." Blair smiled before dragging me away. "Woah wait-" I went to say yet it was too late.
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"𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 up with Serena?" Blair asked me impatiently after berating her minions. I'd told them all to go away as they were giving me a headache. "Never, what do you want?" I bluntly questioned, lighting up a cigarette. "Must you do that near me?" Blair wondered, her nose scrunching up in disgust. "I blow it away from you." I shrugged, taking a long drag of it. "I need you to come home A." B admitted, I sighed. "Well, I'm happy couch surfing, thanks." I retorted, flicking my ash to the floor. "You can't possibly be happy, you look awful." She criticised, reaching for my sunglasses yet I moved her hand back. "Aww, I love you too B." I snarked back. As we were talking a shadow loomed over us, "Blair, Alex, I need a word." An annoying voice said, I looked up to see Vanessa stood in front of us. "You're blocking the light, Brooklyn." I commented. "You don't need light with sunglasses on." She retorted as Blair checked my watch. "You've got sixty seconds, now, why have you go those and what do you want with us? Shouldn't you be at Whole Foods?" Blair demanded. It was then I noticed the flyers in Vanessa's hand.
"As much as I hate these words coming out my mouth, but, I could really use both your help with this." Vanessa admitted. As soon as the words left her mouth I zoned out, I started thinking about this party I was off to tomorrow night, my brain was going at a hundred miles a minute. But their voices were just getting louder and louder in my ears, they were taking over my brain, I started scratching at my arms. My head started to hurt, my ears started to ring, I finally snapped, "Will you just shut the fuck up about the goddamn flyer?!" Both of them turned to me and I suddenly wanted to shrink. "Alex?" Blair whispered and I rubbed my head. "Yanno what Vanessa? This has nothing to do with me, so keep me out and piss of back to your little hole you came from." I snarked barging her as I walked off to the bathroom to snort up another line.
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[𝐂𝐡𝐮𝐜𝐤'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕]
𝐍𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 times I tried to call her, she didn't answer. It went to voicemail every time, so I decided I'd try find Alex. That was until I was getting dressed into my suit and received a text from Blair. She told me to come over, so here I was standing in the elevator going up to the Waldorf's. I wondered if maybe she'd found Alex and she needed me, I was worried. More than I'd ever been before. I swaggered out the elevator to see Blair standing there in a polka dot dress with dark tights, silver pearls and dark eyeshadow. (Edit later) She was wearing Alex's outfit, one of my favourites on her, as she held a martini out for me. "Why am I here Blair? Is it Alex? Is she safe?" I questioned, slightly frantically yet my tone was calm. "Relax, I just have a proposition for you." She sternly said, I finally accepted the martini.
"Enlighten me." I encouraged Blair, curious as to what she had to say. Blair and I had schemed together a few times before, a couple with Alex and once without. I was intrigued as to what she had to say, yet in the back of my mind was Alex. "That little troll Vanessa is working on my last nerve." Blair confessed. "Not what I expected." I confessed, what's that poor bitch got to do with me? "And then I realised, this could benefit both of us." Blair smiled, my brows furrowed, "You had me until troll." I stated. "Dan stole your best friend, now you can steal his. Seduce and destroy." She explained to me. "What's in it for me?" I wondered curiously.
"The only person that Vanessa loathes more than my sister and I, is you. It would be rather thrilling wouldn't it? Plus, I'm sure I could convince Alex to give you some special treatment rather than just biting at your head all the time." Blair innocently explained, she was offering me Alex and the thrill. The thrill of a scheme was rather exciting but after what Alex has been through I couldn't dare go near her in that way. She'd not be ready and as much as I crave her, it's immoral, its too far even for me. "I'm going to pass." I stated respectfully. "I know that you love my sister dearly, it would make zero sense for you to not go there." Her voice sounded sultry almost as she spoke to me, like she was trying to coax me into it. This was so fucked up, but I could tell Blair was desperate. "I won't-" I went to say when she cut me off. "Or are you scared to get it up? I've heard rumours." She taunted.
"Fine." I said through gritted teeth. "I'll make sure you get some time with her, you may do what you wish." Blair shrugged, sipping her martini. That made me feel better, I'd want anything to just talk to her. "You've got a deal Waldorf." I told her, finishing my martini then placing it back down on the tray. I accepted the flyer from her hand then turned around, "Chuck, have you heard from her?" Blair softly asked, I sighed, "No.."
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[𝐀𝐥𝐞𝐱'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕]
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐈 knocked on his suite door with a sigh, my head was pounding, my body was sweating. I felt like utter shit. "Coming." He called out then opened the door to see me, "Princess." He softly said, taking me in. "Help me.. Please." I pleaded softly, looking up to Chuck like he was my only hope in the world. "Help with what?" Chuck asked, it was like he wanted me to admit it all. I sighed softly, "Give me your best hangover cures known to man." I declared, walking into his suite, finally taking my sunglasses off and putting them on my head. "Sure I'm on it, but is that all?" He wondered, to which I nodded and sat on a bar stool. "My mother is back in town today, wait what day is it? Ugh, anyhow.. Your dad and Lily are having that party so I swore I'd go and make an appearance or whatever. To be honest, I was probably drunk when I sent the message." I admitted to him, rubbing at my head whilst Chuck began to prepare hangover cures for me.
"You look like hell." Charles stated, taking in my face. I'd not been sleeping much recently and partying till early hours of the morning so my eyes had deep, dark bags under them. I was always hot and sweaty, I didn't recognise myself anymore. That sad reality stung each time. "Always complimentary Charles." I teased back before picking up a neon yellow flyer that he left on the counter. Wasn't this the one Vanessa was on about yesterday? I only remember it because the yellow hurt my eyes and my head, I think the fact she shoved it in my face was part of the reason why I got annoyed. "Chuck, why do you have this?" I inquired, holding up the flyer whilst he handed me a concoction. I sipped on it warily, it was putrid yet it helped. "I picked it up thinking it was some flyer for an underground party." He shrugged, going to take it off me yet I pulled my arm back and kept my grip tight on the flyer. "Don't lie, Chuck." I snapped then started to think about why on Earth he would have the flyer. It made no sense, no one in our circle really knew about it except.. Blair.
"Are you scheming with my sister? Actually, why am I asking its clear you are! Go on then, what's she offering you in return and don't say nothing- we both know you never do something for nothing." I questioned sternly. Chuck sighed, running a hand through his hair, "Blair told me to come over last night, she said she had a proposal to offer me. She..She told me that if I took Vanessa away from Humphrey then she would convince you to spend time with me in someway or another." He confessed whilst I finished my beverage. I was that loaded I don't even think I processed it fully, I felt numbed to my emotions. I got off my stool, walked towards Chuck and stopped right in front of him. I leant closer to him, my face close to his, my black laced bra slightly visible between my low cut top. "Do you want it?" I whispered. "Alex..." He whispered, his voice seemed disappointed, he tried to avoid staring at me.
"Do you want it?" I repeated, searching his face. I asked him yet there was no tone to my voice, no happiness, no sadness, nothing. "I just want to spend time with you, I just want to-" He began to say, to sugar coat it. "The bets on, take what you wish if you succeed." I shrugged then walked off before he could say a word. When I finally closed the door, I felt tears well in my eyes, yet nothing came out.
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𝐀𝐬 𝐰𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧 the elevator, Blair kept prattling on about pointless rubbish. I'd managed to neaten myself up for the evening so that I didn't ruin my family and my own reputation. I could tell Blair was nervous, feeling guilty and worried about me because she wouldn't stop rambling to me. "Blair just.. just shut up." I softly said with a heavy sigh as I rummaged through my bag. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." Blair softly spoke, her voice was more like a mumble now. "I think you did.. I know about your deal with Chuck, how dare you fucking pimp me out like that!" I snapped, my emotions started to bubble. I felt like I wanted to scream, cry, break things. Why now? Why right this moment? "I don't know what-" She tried to lie. "You do, you know I don't want to spend time with him or anyone." I huffed to him. "Alex, I'm sorry. I just wanted to fix things and stop her." Blair gently apologised. "You will be sorry Blair, because I'm gonna fuck it up for you. How's that for a promise?" I snarled finally pressing the button to take us up to the penthouse.
"I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you're going to ruin everything. You've been gone for so long! Maybe I was using Chuck to try hear from you, to see you somehow. I've wanted to talk to you, I've missed you." Blair sadly confessed, yet I was too angry and betrayed to feel some sort of sympathy. "Talk to me? What's the point of fucking talking to you when everyones stuck in Blair land." I snarled to her, with that the elevator dinged open. "The world doesn't revolve around you sis, you gotta learn that sometime. And befriending Serena again, really?" I snarked, giving her a dirty look up and down. "I guess loyalty means jackshit to Queen Blair." I spat before walking off to find Chuck, leaving Blair tearfully in the elevator.
I wanted to find Chuck to persuade him to buy the bar and quit playing with Vanessa. Sure, it was just to spite Blair but I dunno maybe the bar was worth something. Maybe it could be worth something. He'd been texting me a little bit today to try explain himself to me, which I actually found myself understanding him a bit. He swore he only wanted to spend time with me and wouldn't dare doing anything too far after..After Yale. I'd snatched a glass of champagne off the tray, starting to sip it as I scanned the room for Chuck. I couldn't find him anywhere, I thought maybe he could be in his room so I walked towards there yet saw Serena's door open a jar.
In her room was Chuck and Vanessa, he was reaching for her hand. They shared a longing look, a look he used to share with me.. before she ruined everything. They were close, like we once was. I felt it all build up in me, I felt the lump in my throat. If she hadn't ruined everything, if she hadn't assaulted me... Everything would be a little more normal. I'd still be playing my games with Chuck, I'd still be getting high but not to this extreme amount, this shit wouldn't hurt.. He was giving her the look, I felt the glass slip out of my hands as everything felt too much. I no longer felt numb, everything hit me at once. I was deteriorating. I was a bad person, I was.. was this my karma? Was this what I deserve? Smash. The smash echoed, their eyes looked up and were on me. I made eye contact with Chuck through my tear filled eyes and I did what I thought was best, I ran off.
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𝐈 𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 of whiskey as I started dancing with it, The Soho Dolls played over the speakers as I danced in Victrola. Ever since I ran off from the Van Der Woodsen's, I'd searched for the nearest bottle and craved to let loose. I felt everything rush to me at once, I had to forget, I must forget otherwise it all felt too real. I drank more and more until the buzz finally hit, until my brain was fogged. As I danced, I looked up to see Chuck walking in. "Yay! Chuckys here!" I slurred, cheering mockingly. "Take five ladies." Chuck ordered and the girls left me alone. It didn't bother me, I kept dancing. The club itself was quiet this evening, it was the only night Chuck kept it for private use only. Chuck sat down with a scotch in his hand and glanced up to me, "Why'd you run-" He went to say but I put my finger on my lips and shushed him. "I'm finishing my routine." I told him, yet it wasn't really a routine.. I just drunkenly danced.
After the song ended, I took one more large gulp of whiskey then stumbled down to Chuck and sloppily sat in his lap. "The games over now." I slurred softly. He took the whiskey bottle from me that was almost half empty, "But its not over." He commented, topping up his glass. "I'm ending it out of boredom she isn't worth it, that's why I had a small drink." I stated, my voice still muffled as I swayed on his lap slightly. He didn't touch me, he was too scared too yet he watched me. "Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Where's it coming from Alex?" Chuck simply said then asked. "I just said." I huffed, running my fingers through my curls. "I think you're scared.. You're scared of it all being too real. Seeing me talk to Vanessa got you worried, worried I wasn't waiting anymore... Worried I found something new." He explained, scanning my face. "Maybe you're right.." I shrugged.
I leant closer and whispered in his ear, my breath heavy and stinking of whiskey. "You can have me nowwww..." I slurred sing songingly. "You need to sober up and you need to see your therapist." He softly said back to me. I laughed, "Ha! Says you, you need help too. We're fucked up and its why we're perfect." I smiled to him, my head swaying from the alcohol. "Alex, that's... No, you can't use that okay? You're not coping and I'm not gonna have sex with you, not after what happened." Chuck lowly yet softly stated, despite the softness in his voice it was clear he was serious. I didn't realise he was helping, I just felt my whole body slump. I felt like I was ruined, tarnished so he didn't want me anymore. "You think I'm damaged goods?" I whispered out sadly, looking up to him. "No, no that's not it I swear." Chuck tried to assure me, but it didn't help.
I felt sick. I felt dirty. I felt the lump in the back of my throat yet I refused to cry, I whispered out, my voice still slurring. "I wore purple just for you." Chuck nodded and held me ever so gently, it was as if he was barely touching me. He whispered in my ear, "I know you did, its because you love me isn't it?" I froze. "Shut up." I snapped. "Alex, just say it.. then I'll say it back." Chuck coaxed. "I asked you to say it first." I hissed back, why was he ruining everything? "I wanna hear you say it." Chuck sternly said in my ear, I pulled back from him. "I'll never say those words to you ever again." I snarled, climbing off of him. "So you don't care?" He frowned. "Just when I thought you could be slightly decent Chuck, you do that. It's just a game to you isn't it? Us, we're just a game.. Well, here's three words for you. I hate you." I spat before storming out of the club.
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𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 street, my head was spinning, the world was spinning. I'd took so many lines and drank so much alcohol I could barely walk straight. I wanted to forget everything, my pride got in the way of me being honest with Chuck and my mind haunted me. The past scarred me. I swayed down the alley way, my vision was blurring. I suddenly stopped singing, I felt hot. But not the tolerable hot, like burning. My heart was going faster and fasted, my breathing felt shallower. I'd been swaying so much that I twisted my ankle, fell down to the ground and hit my head on the ground. I laughed and reached into my purse, sniffing some more coke off my finger. My head tilted back and I let out a sharp gasp, I felt free... But as my body convulsed and I started to vomit, I realised I was far from it.
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Hey readers I hope you enjoyed this chapter, sorry its been a while! I hope you're still enjoying, the next chapter will follow some fairly big themes. I know I haven't really followed the episode in this chapter but as Alex heals it will be back to schemes and the usual work. Please let me know what you thought and have a wonderful day or night xoxo!