YOUR POV:
"God please tell me I'm not in the infirmary again." I croak as I wake up in a completely white room
I hear a few chuckles resounding around me, mixing with the beeping and dripping of the machines around me.
It was painful to even open my eyelids but I scrambled the bit of strength recovered to sit up. After my dizziness had subsided, headache cleared and the blinding of the room stopped, I managed to make out the faces of my fellow Avengers.
There was Steve, Bucky, Sam, Nat, Clint, Tony, Thor, Pepper, Bruce and Loki.
I tried my hardest to smile; trying to reassure them that I was fine. As soon as Tony linked eyes with me, he turned off his earpiece and strode towards my bed. Quickly, his arms were around me, holding me tight. His warming cologne crept up my nostrils, conjuring a feeling of home and warmth. Was Tony really hugging me right now?
"Thought you didn't do hugs tin can." I whispered, my voice slightly broken by being unconscious for so long. I could feel a smirk growing on his face and he lightly smacked the back of my head.
"Glad to have you back Pixie."
One by one the team did their speeches on how happy they were to see me again and how they'd murder every HYDRA operative, blah blah blah. Only Loki stayed silent.
"Well thank you all for your most truly wonderful words. I knew I was fantastic and special but it didn't mean you had to recite a book for me. Although I do appreciate your attempts. " I grinned and all the Avengers scoffed; bright smiles on their faces, happy to see I was still as witty and sarcastic as before.
They had all brought me gifts and told me they'd come to see me as soon as I was cleared to go back to my room. I hated hospitals, the clear, bright, clinical chill of it all. The beeping of machines unerved me.
After a light chat, everyone left. Everyone except Bucky and Loki that is. Bucky turned to Loki and asked him to leave us alone for a few minutes. The emerald eyed god rolled his eyes but obliged.
Bucky came to sit on the chair beside me and picked up my hand with his flesh hand. He started to rub soothing circles on my skin. For a while, neither of us knew what to say, probably the HYDRA memories still fresh in our minds. He started speaking first
"So Y/n how are you feeling?"
"I don't know Bucky... It's a knot of feelings that I'm unable to untie."
"Yeah I get that." We were both silent once more. His long brown hair covered his face as his head was inclined towards the floor. Softly, he put my hand back down and fished something out of his pocket before handing it over to me. My gaze lit up as I saw my favorite type of candy.
"Don't let Bruce catch you. Or Tony. Or Pepper. Or Steve. You know what? As a matter of fact don't let anyone catch you with it. But if you do, it's not on me."
"Jame Buchanan Barnes!" I exclaimed in shock. "Come on, you have to stick with me until the end. If it's your fault I got candy, it's your fault. End of story." He chuckled breezily and put his hands back in his pockets.
"Do you want to talk about it? I mean, you and I are the only ones here who have felt HYDRA and it's power. So I guess I'd understand."
"I don't want to weigh you down, Bucky" I mumbled with a sigh, nervously fiddling with my nails and fingers. The things HYDRA did to me once I was back were so horrible and heart-wrenching, I couldn't wish for him to hear, see or experience it. He was only healing, how could I burden him with such things once more?
"You wouldn't Y/n. You're my sister. In both good and bad times." His icy blue eyes lifted to meet mine once more and a small smile found its way on his lips. I continued chomping on my candy, feeling myself relive once more then picked up the cup on my bedside table, downing the water slowly and shakily.
Slowly, I started unraveling the thread of memories from the two weeks HYDRA had taken me again. Sometimes I'd look up from my fingers to see Bucky's knuckles whitening, his jaw clenching and his eyes flaming.
"I'll kill those bastards. How- how could they Y/n?" His voice shook ever so slightly, perhaps in pain or in fury. I sighed heavily. We had both been through so much, it never seemed like it'd end. Bucky stood up and wrapped me in both of his arms gently yet firmly. He smelt of woodlands and leather. A most alluring combination I must admit. "I'm so sorry you had to live this Y/n." His words were laced with guilt and regret.
"It's not your fault Bucky and you know that. Both of us were made to be HYDRA's greatest weapon. The mind Snake and Winter Soldier. Hitmen, spies, we've done it all. But that's in the past Buck." It hurt to reminisce and to realise. We had been HYDRA's masterplan. The undestructible duo. Hundreds of casualties caused by HYDRA were from us. We had done these horrors, removed life and souls from people, extracted them from this world.
"Clearly it's not if they're still looking for us." Bucky had stood up and gone to gaze out of the window, his human arm resting on the glass with his forehead on top. Carefully, I slid out of the bed to go towards him. My legs slightly wobbled under me and I grabbed onto anything for support. Soon my body had realised I'd need my legs again and I could walk just fine.
I put my hand on Bucky's shoulder and his eyes snapped back towards me. He pressed me against his chest in a hug once more. I could feel his chest heaving and his soft heartbeat traversed fabric. His chin rested atop my head before he kissed it fondly.
"We'll be fine won't we Buck?"
"Yeah, we'll be Pixie." he mumbled back into my hair.
After a while, he finally let go, almost reluctantly and left the room. I snuggled back into the bed and fell asleep again.
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The next morning, Bruce had given me the all clear to leave the medical ward and I was more than grateful. Back in my room, I threw my hospital robe and ripped gala dress in a black trash bag that i knotted with extra fury. God, I really needed to take a shower. I went through my walk-in closet, struggling to pick out a suitable outfit. In the end, I settled for some light blue jeans and cropped sweatshirt. I was pretty sure the sweatshirt used to belong to Bucky and that it was the one I had fixed it to be short but still have that oversized feel and armlength.
Crystal cabin opened, bottles uncorked, soap bubbles floating, soothing scent surrounding me, drops of water pattering against the walls. Everything made me feel so much better. My skin still stung in the areas where the wounds weren't completely healed but I was content with how most of them had completely disappeared. I stepped out, wrapping myself in the fluffy blanket before doing my hair.
I had a bit of extra kick in my step for someone who had nearly died but by now, I was over it. The amount of times I nearly died was no longer countable. Life as an Avenger was never normal to be honest. Surprisingly, no one was in the kitchen when I arrived. The silence was truly soothing but after a few minutes, became uncomfortable. Skimming through my phone quickly, I picked my favorite song and let the music flood the kitchen.
In the end I decided to start baking because it had a therapy effect on me and because I felt like having something sweet that didn't come from a supermarket. I hummed lightly the verses and broke out into song every time the chorus came on, singing and dancing my heart out. I measured all the ingredients carefully and mixed them smoothly. In the end, I chose to bake carrot cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies. Deciding to give in to my childish impulses, I tried the cookie dough and it was soooo good. When I was listening to music and baking, my worries evaporated as well as the life I was living. I forgot I had been one of the deadliest HYDRA operatives (and only found out two months ago due to my memories having magically vanished). I forgot I grazed death all the time or that I had powers coursing through my thrumming veins.
I felt someone behind me and my senses went into alert, almost instinctively. I brought the knife that was still out slightly closer to me before turning round.
"No need for violence, darling. I come in peace." Loki chuckled appreciatively, his eyes still looking at the knife that was within my reach. I raced into his arms and he stumbled in surprise. For the first few moments it was awkward because he was scared. Scared of messing up. Scared of hurting or triggering me. But soon, his hands snaked around my hips and he let my head rest on his chest.
"I'm happy you're here. Not just as a guinea pig for my treats but also in general. I'm happy you're my friend." I break into a big smile. How I've missed this.
His posture stiffened up a bit and he let me go carefully, his eyes avoiding mine. Had I said something wrong?
Remembering I was baking, I ran to the oven to remove the treats and set them on the plates. I was ready to bet a lot of money that in a day they'd be gone. The sweet scent of fresh bakes, spices and icing lingered in the warm air. Loki stepped back towards me and leaned across the counter, staring at me with his deep green eyes.
"Do you mind if I ?" he gestured at my forehead. I guess he wanted to see HYDRA and what they had done but I wasn't sure if I was ready to relive it at all. It was a part of me and my history I wasn't ready yet to show anyone.
Bucky was the only one aware of most things but that's because we had been through this together. He knew what I had lived and so did I for him. Through our years of friendship we'd stuck together, fought together, struggled and recovered together. I knew things about him nobody else could grasp and so did he. My brother in pain, loss and love. He was my support, my rock, my anchor. When either of us underwent HYDRA torture, we'd fight to remember each other and to stick with each other until the storm had passed. Our bond had become so deep and so strong that no matter how many times they'd wipe our memories or say the trigger words, we'd remember and protect each other. It had only been Bucky and me for four years. Four years of hurt, blood, experiments, kills, torture and pain. After a while, sensing our connection, instead of trying to destroy it, HYDRA operatives decided to use it. We'd always go on missions together and whatever task one had, it'd be with the other.
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"Bucky we'll manage won't we?" I asked him in the launcher as we geared up for our mission.
"Winter Soldier or not, Mind Snake or not, we'll get through this Y/n."
"Together forever..." I whispered
" and through whatever." he finished for me. It was our motto. A few seconds after, the trigger words were said as we headed over to our next mission in Paris. But even mind-controlled we remembered our faces, our bond, our catchphrase. Some things you just couldn't erase.
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"I don't know Loki. It's still fresh in my mind."
"As you wish Y/n." He did a small smile before grabbing a cookie off the plate and leaving the kitchen.
That knot of feelings in my stomach had complexified even more. So much for clearing my head.
"JARVIS what's that smell coming from the kitchen?" I heard Tony ask as his footsteps came closer and closer to where Loki had left me and where I had zoned out, staring into the counter. He snapped his fingers in front of me twice and I left wherever I had gone.
"These thingies you make... Are really good by the way." Tony said as he spun round and left the kitchen once more. I turned to look at the plate. Four cupcakes were missing.
"Dammit Stark." I chuckled