Not once in my boring life have I felt so powerless. He was, indeed, an irregular rock star. I felt powerless in front his words, as if everything he said was holy, sent from God. If I were a boy, I wouldn't have been so patient with a girl like me and I surely wouldn't have the balls to talk to her the way he talks to me. I spent the whole night reading Alex Turner fan fiction, just to see other people's impressions about him. God.. He was always the bad guy who fell in love with the good girl, or the violent type, or the rude type, or the mysterious type. To me, all these categories reflect an ugly misunderstanding. Alex was not an obsessed-of-sex teenager, as so many fan girls portray him. He wasn't rude, nor violent, nor mysterious. The only truth I've read was that he is broken. Yes. That is one great truth I can confirm.
He had once been a deeply unhappy person. He didn't need to say anything in particular to make me understand that. When I asked him about his life in Sheffield, he dodged most of the questions with the ability of a football player:
"Did you have many friends in Sheffield?"
"Eh, nobody cares about other people, hunny."
For such an answer, a whole new talk would develop, so I would forget asking anything about his kind of Sheffield for a while.
"Alex, what do you miss the most?"
"I miss the trees, maybe the birds or just the sun. Kidding, of course."
He'd only smile when he'd talk and, in a special way, he'd make me feel important. Important because all his attention would be focused on me. However, during these moments, his eyes would widen and would shatter a bit. They would stop, watching me intensely, paralyzed and than they would go back to their regular rythm of movement. I would, ever so slightly, notice profound sadness.
It's 9... I wake up feeling dizzy and nauseous, but nothing in the world would actually make me skip the boys' session at Radio 5. After washing, eating and taking Ben out, I comfortably installed in the bed with all my electronics and my coffee- far worse than Fifi's specialty- and took Ben in my lap, turning on the radio. Perfect timing. The fresh voice of the radio host announced today's guests:
"Our guests today are profoundly going to please the ladies. Arctic Monkeys in our studio, ladiessss! Welcome, boys!He said , hissing the words with utter content.
"Good morning, everyone!" They shouted at unison, sounding all cheerful and energetic.
I started smiling like an idiot when I heard Alex's cough in the background. I swear, it got me all tensed and awake.
"So, lads, how's your tour going?" The host asks.
"Well, it's like a teenage dream. I for one have always wished to have a band and go on tours and sing my lungs out and all, but, as it had happened at our other album promotion tours, we feel pro. So everything's going great." Alex answers.
I kept smiling, obviously. When Ben heard Alex's voice, he started waving his tail, got up and looked at me in a very cute way. He looked as if he were saying 'that's the guy from last night, oh my God, he is wonderful!'. I kind of kept smiling like a stupid teenage girl. No, I a won't say the 'l' word. I do not like or '_ove' Alex. We're just friends. Ugh, that really sounds like YA fiction. No, just keep in mind all that rock star thing. Keep in mind everything I told him.
"What are you playing today, guys? Anything from your AM album?"
"Well, we've thought of a song from AM and I for one would like to sing Stuck on the Puzzle. It is a song that was included on the Submarine soundtrack, a great movie, a lot like Catcher in the Rye. I mean, if it were a movie after that book, it would have been a lot like this one, Submarine." Alex says, coughing here and there, clearly from all those cigarettes he smokes.
God, I can't wait to see that movie! How come he didn't tell me that he was having a part in the soundtrack. Or maybe the whole soundtrack was his masterpiece? God, I'm dying. I will have to google that later. After some more chit-chat with the other band members, the host allowed the boys to sing their songs. The familiar tune of R U Mine filled my ears, filled the room, filled the absence of Alex. It was nice. It made me sad, although it was pure rock. Rock was supposed to wake you up and make you feel free, but I felt rather empty and tired.
After they finished the song, Alex's voice came on again:
"Now, this song is for a little mardy bum I appreciate a lot, who will surely want to go at Submarine with me when it comes out on Friday..."
At that certain moment, I simply got up and started screaming and jumping and giggling and laughing and somehow crying. Is it necessary to explain what has just happened? Alex asked me out live. Let me faint.
"Hey, hey. Is there a special lady?" asks the host, intrigued.
"Special? Oh... If only you met her... You'd be in tears. She's thunderstorms." He says, in that confident tone of his, interrupting my hyperventilation. Of course, She's thunderstorms was a song of theirs and the mardy bum from earlier... Also a song of theirs. He never learns, does he? Ah, who cares...
"Well, good luck with her, man! Next time you come 'round here in Ireland, bring her so that we meet her, too."
"I'll see what I can do, but she's not that type."
In no time, the classic guitar and the drums accompanied Alex's soft voice. The lyrics surprised me.
I'm not the kind of fool who's gonna sit and sing to you
About stars, girl
....
Nobody I asked knew how he came to be the one to whom
You surrendered
....
I've spent all night...
Stuck on the puzzle
...
And I thought I'd seen the light
But oh, no...
I was just stuck on the puzzle.
Suddenly, a ding brought me back to Planet Earth. Text from Thalia.
Well, mardy bum whose boyfriend asked her out live at a radio... Who's the soooo handsome and smart now?
I reply, abolished by the sudden beauty of my life:
He's not my boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!
God damn it, Thalia. You'll see me fall in love, won't you? You, muffin? How 'bout ya? You like him, don't ya?..
***
I felt uncapable of doing anything in particular. I just smiled around whenever I recalled parts of our conversation. I remembered every little detail, I could almost picture him staying right there, next to me. He'd be all smiles and giggles, even if we talked about something sad or disappointing. Nothing seemed to put him off. Except my crying. That really scared him. I felt his insecurity for once. Should I be proud? That I am going out with a rock star? What should I exactly feel? I don't have a crush on him and I don't think that I need to have a crush on him to feel the way he makes me feel. Otherwise, there wouldn't exist boys and girls who are bestfriends. I really like it. Feeling appreciated and important. Even if there's just one person who makes me feel that way.
A sudden ring of my laptop wakes me up. I fell asleep, haven't I... God. Mom and dad are calling on Skype..
Hi there, sweetheart! How are you? Is everything okay? You didn't call yesterday. How are Ryan and Thalia? How are your friends at school? How are Dylan and Haley?
Mom's enthusiastic questions invaded my brain. I've just woken up, I can't process so much information... In case you wondered... Dylan and Haley are the only people from school I talk to. We hang out during lunch breaks. They are geniuses. Dylan wants to be an architect and Haley wants to be a doctor. We have a few common classes. Anyway, my parents think they are my best friends in the world, when in fact, they come to me only when they're bored. They got tons of other friends. Have I mentioned that they are the school's favorite couple? Well, they're the school's favorite couple.
Yes, mom, sorry. I was busy. I made a new friend.
Dumb ass, Phoebe.
Ah, you have... Says dad interested.
Yes, I have. His name is Alex Turner. He is in a band. He is a rock star. He is the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys. And no, he's not my boyfriend. We're just friends. He's from Sheffield.
For the following 20 minutes, I described my meeting with Alex, skipping the flowers and the chicks part and the crisis part... Skipping a lot of parts.
Well, he seems a very responsible boy. Maybe you introduce him to us when you both are in Sheffield. Well, maybe next winter...
The usual frown appeared on the screen. They were somehow disappointed in me for not coming home this summer. They've told me that a million times...
Mom, Dad. This is my only chance to become something in life! I can't miss this opportunity! Imagine that I will be able to meet the writers that have inspired me all this time! I will travel to America! I've told you a thousand times that I would love to come home and I am sorry I won't be able to be with you, but I really have to try hard this time. It's my dream. You've let me go to Ireland to follow my dream. Do you think it's not hard for me? Do you think I don't miss you? DO YOU THINK I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU? Than you are fools. You know this is the only thing I want and I've gone too far to give it up. If you are not going to encourage me, at least stop commenting about it.
Of course, they started saying how proud they were, that they were obviously sad because of my absence this summer, they kept reminding me of how much they love me...
Look, I gotta go. I have a few things to do for tomorrow. Take care you there... How are Max and Marcelline?
Max and Marcelline were my pets. Max is a poodle, black, exactly like Benny. He's just a bit bigger. Marcelline... She's our cat. A pigeon assassin.
They're fine, sweetie. Take care, too. And, you know, protect yourself, says Dad.
What are you talking about?
You know. Make sure the condom is put well. Take pills, eventually.
God damn it, Dad, you're such a jerk, I say, laughing. He is not my boyfriend! And I have school, anyway. And he's got his rock star business so we might not even be friends for much longer. Bye bye, I love you!
We love you too, darling!
I finally escape this stupid conversation. I get up and change in a pair of sweatpants, a grey sweater and blue sneakers. I straighten my hair and pick up my iPod and my phone and take Ben in the leash. I put my headphones on and shuffle the music.
I go for a long walk with Ben, listening to sad jazz, thinking about how my life turned into what it is now. I feel happy. I found somebody to share all my emotions with. I found somebody that would make me feel important, desired. More than this, his mind is not at making out and having sex. Which is a relief. I would be scared in that situation. But it would eventually be another step. God, I am the one to think of sex now? So immature. Anyway, Alex is... Delightful. I realise I am talking as if I love him. I don't wanna fall in love. I don't need to fall in love. I don't need pain. It's just... I feel like we've always been friends. Like we've known each other for a life time. It's awkward. I can't focus. And I can't wait to go at Submarine with him..
"Phoebe, hunny!" a well-known voice stopped my day dream.
"Alex... You never cease to surprise me, do you?" I turn around and see him, all smiley and... Sober? Oh, no... Is he drunk... His eyes look hazy and red. His nose is red. Damn, he's hot. He is supposed to be your friend, you little swine...
He approaches me and pulls me into a warm hug, placing his hands on the small of my back. I wrap a hand around his neck(the other one was busy holding an excited Ben), raising a bit on my tip toes. He was way taller than me so I had to make an effort to reach his shoulders. I close my eyes as his arms sink into my sweater, holding me tight. We stay like that for about 20 seconds. I pull away from the embrace. He smells like whisky and smoke. We start walking at an easy pace, watching the cars pass by, looking at the frantic people..
"How are ya, love? All good?" He asks, picking Ben in his arms, petting his head.
"Yeah, I'm fine. You were awesome today. At the radio." I say, trying not to sound too girly.
"Eh, so you stayed tuned..." He says, lighting up a cigarette. He winks at me.
"Of course I did, I promised I would! Anyway, you were great. It really was cool." I say, trying to dodge the going out subject...
"Why aren't you saying anything about me and you..." He kind of asks, stopping. I keep walking for a second, but turn around to see him staring at me, still holding Ben. He steps forward, throws away the unfinished cigarette and puts his free hand on my hip. Keep your heart rate normal, hell yes...
"Don't you want to go out with me, hunny...?" His lips came close to my ear. I accidentally let out a small gasp. Shhhhhhhit. I see him smiling satisfied. Was this what he wanted from me? He just pretended not to be interested in that...
"I advise you to step back, otherwise your balls will be rolling down the road." I whisper in the same 'seductive' way he did. He giggled. He was drunk as hell.
"Sorry, love... I think I drank too much after the radio..."
"You think?"
We continue walking, none of us saying a single word. Alex was still holding Ben. I told him that the dog could walk himself, but he said it would make him feel responsible if he has this little task of carrying my muffin. Drunk, drunk... But still charming.
"I probably won't see you again." He says, sounding affected.
"My darling... What did you expect..." I say, taunting him with his own lyrics.
"I probably still adore you with your hands around my neck... Or I did last time I checked..." He continues the song... I hate when he does that. He makes me like him.
"I'm serious, love. In two weeks, we might never see each other again..." He says, stopping again.
"And?"
"And I don't want it to be that way."
"I don't want it either but you are a star, aren't you? This is your job. I'll go out on Friday with you and see Submarine together, ok? If that's what you want... We barely know each other and you act like you're gonna lose a family member." I say fast.
"Phoebe, I feel as if I had been struck by lightning." He raises his voice.
"You do? Good for you. Go find a chick you can carry around whenever you want. I can not fulfill that need." I try to walk away, but his hand keeps me in place.
"Why do you have to see things that way? Why do you try to get rid of me? I know you want me, I've noticed the way you tense when I get close to you and if I touch you..." He says, placing three fingers on my cheek, making me flinch. "...you flinch" He says, smirking.
"It's called personal space, idiot." I shove away his fingers, trying to play it cool. He was right. I did want him.. But I wanted him to be near me, not on me.
He is now grinning. He looks like Joker, god damn it... In no time, we reach my block of flats.
"I will forgive your cheeky episode on the premise that you are too drunk to be rational. I will call a cab for you. To take you to your hotel..." I say, pulling out my phone. All this time, drunkard Alex was tying Ben's leash to the bench. I pretended not to notice.
"End it, love..."
He turns to me and grabs me by my torso, gently moving his hands on my back. He was holding me so close and tight that I could barely let my heart beat faster and faster.
"Alex, I fucking told you that--"
I feel his lips tickle mine, his thumb tracing smooth circles on my sweater, his full-of-alcohol breath melting against mine. You know that Five chewing gum? The commercial for it has this motto:Intensify your senses, or something similar. I felt all my senses awoken, intensified by his touch. His mouth started pressing harder now, as if some sort of hunger was rising inside of him. I forgot about all my promises of not falling in love with him and responded to his kiss. His hands came down my spine and rested right beneath my butt, lifting me up, allowing me to wrap my legs around him.
"I hate you." I whisper, as he places me on the bench.
"You love me."
"Hate you."
"Love me."
"...yeah..."