Zayn returned to the doorway sheepishly. His head was still down, but he stole a glance at his mate through his lashes.
Liam's eyes were bloodshot and tired. He was pale and stood small when he usually had good posture. He looked sick, but they had been apart for a while when mates were supposed to be together as often as possible, which was usually every day.
Zayn wondered how Jaiden managed to stay away from his mate for so long. After a while, he reckoned the pain turned numb, and Jaiden soon forgot what it was like to be held. Zayn was terrified of that happening to Liam and himself.
It's my fault if he walks away. Remember that.
Liam opened and closed his mouth, unsure of what to say. In the moment, he didn't want Zayn to walk away again. Now that he was faced with those sad hazel eyes, his words escaped him. Liam fought to stay where he was, and not run to the person he
longed for the most.
They stared at each other. Zayn was silent, also unsure of what to say.
"Um," Liam cleared his throat and wrapped arms around himself. "Did you want something from this room?"
Zayn shook his head to say no. His heart spiked at the sound of his gentle voice.
"I just- I wanted to see you." He stared at his feet and mumbled, "Sorry if you didn't want to see me."
I'm not sure what I want. Liam longed to say something that would put a smile on Zayn's pained face. At the same time, Liam wanted the sorrow to weep from Zayn's eyes, his words, and his actions.
"How have you been?" Liam asked, knowing the answer, but he had to say something.
"Not good. I know you haven't been either."
Liam was silent.
"I- um," Zayn struggled as a lump rose in his throat.
His mate stood in the morning light, beautiful as always. Zayn longed to bury his nose into his wavy brown hair, and kiss his hot cheeks, and hold his small hands.
"I can't do another night without you."
Liam held their gaze, and he finally stood up straight, crossing his arms rather than gripping himself for comfort.
"Why?" he asked blankly.
"Because..." Zayn wanted to shrug his shoulders.
He dug his thumb into his palm, begging himself to open up. "It hurts too much"
"Why?"
"Because we've been apart too long."
"Why?"
Zayn once again lowered his head. Liam's stern stare poked him too hard. "I fucked up."
"How?"
"I lost myself for a moment."
"No"
Zayn frowned.
"You've never been yourself." Liam thought there was no better time to say it. He had been given time to think freely about what kind of a person Zayn had grown to be. Liam still wasn't sure, even after living with him for almost two years.
"I don't know who you are. You show me so many different faces. How am I supposed to know which one is real?"
"I'm going to try and-"
"No," Liam said bluntly. "You will change. If not for yourself, then do it for me, and your mum, and your pack. Do it for Baela who has always believed in you, and do it for Niall who died saving our lives.!"
Zayn's gut twisted the way it did when he was reminded of Niall, his Delta.
"He was so brave" Zayn whispered.
Liam saw Zayn crumbling, and he felt the same agony Zayn had emitted for days. "He was."
"And I was so careless."
"You were."
Liam's heavy emotions pressed on Zayn's temples too. "I don't want that to ever happen again. It could have been your death I mourn. Even though we're not speaking, I'm really grateful that you're still here."
Zayn's eyes suddenly watered. His mouth was dry, and his chest was tight. The tidal wave of emotions was coming for him again, and he couldn't stop it.
"But you're not grateful for the fact that I'm human." Liam had to point out the parts that really got him down. Zayn had to address them and show Liam that he understood.
"I wasn't in the past." Zayn blinked hard and turned his head away. "I was worried that you were too much of a weakness for me." Zayn pressed his.thumb harder into his palm. "I can see now that you're the stronger one. I was weak anyway."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not in control."
"Of?"
"Everything. My pack, my head, my actions. I didn't think the rogues would provoke me so easily. I thought that after almost two years of no violence and a bit of therapy, I would be fixed. But it all came back to me so suddenly, and all I wanted was for them to fear me. For a second, I even wanted you to fear me" Zayn sighed sadly, trying to blink his tears away again. "I know that's not right. I know I need help, but I don't know where to start. I want to be fixed overnight, but I know that's impossible. Liam, I'm so sorry for the things I've said to you. I will never speak to you that away again because I know that it could cost me everything. You're my everything. This life is pointless without you. I see that now, and I'm going to stop taking you for granted!" The passion rose in Zayn's voice as he spoke, and he soon gave up and was on his knees chasing his tears.
Liam gasped in surprise, as he stepped back and watched the tears as they rolled miserably down Zayn's cheek.
"I love you, and these days apart made me realise just how much I need you. It's not only the bond that's making me think that way, it's the fact that I've fallen so far for you, and seeing myself without you is the scariest thing I've ever thought. I miss everything about you. I miss waking up with you in my arms, I miss how you would smile at me, I miss how you trip on everything, I miss the way you hum in the shower, and how you take fucking ages to tie your shoelaces, and how you sometimes put way too much sugar in your coffee, and how you're motivated to do anything if it'll make someone else happy, and I miss how eager you are to make me happy. You sacrificed so much for me, and all I've given you is abuse."
Liam was speechless, but Zayn pressed on.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it has taken me this long to see that I've treated you badly. I tried to write an apology down, but when I've had time to think about it, I suddenly didn't know what to say. But, I know this has come from... fuck, from somewhere with feelings. Somewhere I don't know how to reach unless my entire world is falling apart." Zayn's wet sombre eyes connected with Liam's.
"I hope one day you can forgive me. I know
you're not ready yet and I understand why. I just hope that we can rebuild this trust that I snatched from you. You deserve so much better, Liam. One day I will be good enough for you."
After his speech, Liam wanted to cry and fall into his chest. He almost stepped closer, but an invisible barrier held him back.
"I, um, I can see that you've thought about this a lot. I guess the first step is the apology. I'm not ready to forgive you, but I will accept it. Thank you."
His words seemed to relax Zayn. He fisted his hands instead of anxiously clenching them into his stomach. "Will you sleep in our bedroom tonight?"
Zayn's eyes were so desperate, Liam diverted his own to his feet.
"No."
"Okay." Zayn hovered awkwardly. "I can touch your hand to take the edge off the pain, then I can leave you to read. You're not ready to be around me yet, are you?"
"I don't know," Liam whispered. His hand tingled at the thought of Zayn's touch. "I guess it would be nice not to hurt so much." Liam pursed his lips and waited for Zayn to approach him. He did, slowly and silently, like a wolf hunting something that caught his interest.
Of course, Zayn stopped with less than a foot between them. He wasn't able to stand further apart.
Liam felt his warmth and smelt his usual earthy scent of the forest and his wolf. Liam looked down as Zayn looked up. Zayn stared at his mouth and held out a hand. The tips of his fingers touched Liam's yellow hoodie. Liam felt it just above his bellybutton.
Simply being so close to Zayn was comforting, Liam could finally breathe.
He lifted a hand too and gently touched Zayn's palm with the tips of his fingers. They both held their breaths. Liam could only describe the action as magical. From such a small touch, the heavy chains on his heart lifted. The fog in his mind cleared. The aching in his limbs brought strength instead of trembles.
Liam soon found himself gripping Zayn's hand and.squeezing it tightly. All the while, Zayn had kneeled infront of Liam with intense hazel eyes, and dreaming of a kiss, and preparing himself to wait a while for more. For now, he cherished Liam's touch, and his smell, sweetening by the second as his anxieties left him with each soothing exhale.
"If you hurt again today, please find me. We don't have to talk to each other, and you can stay for less than a minute. But please don't put yourself through this. I don't want you to be in pain anymore." Zayn's deep voice was low and soft, yet still vibrated through Liam as though his head was on his chest.
Liam stepped back, pursing his lips and feeling clumsy, but like he could drift to the clouds. His mind and body were light, though he wondered how long that would last.
Zayn stood back up. His face was as blank as ever, and the tears had dried on his cheeks. While his voice was now lost, his eyes spoke for him.
Liam thought he had gotten good at reading Zayn's emotions, but this felt like the first time he could really see into him. He stepped further back and plucked his book from the table, holding it to his chest.
He looked Zayn slowly up and down, in a sad sort of way, and whispered, "I'll find you."
You wanted him on his knees begging for Liam's forgiveness. So he is on his knees!