JJ's dad left the island and he doesn't know how to deal with it. It's a little dark but also sweet.
TW: angst, alcohol and weed
-
"Jayj c'mon. Get down from there." Kiara says with an exhaustion and annoyance in her voice. "C'mon, it isn't funny."
"Did you say something princess?" JJ's tone is harsh and mean, his eyebrows slightly raised like he's challenging her.
"JJ." She says loud and clear, with an angry tone. "That's enough." She ads, warning him.
He doesn't care. He just brushed her attempt at a threat off easily, chuckling at her face with a grin
-
He's drunk. High. Wasted. Completely shitfaced.
The last few days has been complete hell. The thoughts in his head has been louder than ever and the voices are tearing him down piece by piece. He can't relax or sleep cause there's a constant stabbing feeling in his stomach and a constant pressure in his chest.
He's felt like this countless of times.
When it's happened in the past he's dealt with it by disappearing for a few hours or sometimes days. The pouges knows that this is how he deals with shit, he needs space and to completely distant himself from them. To then come back like nothing has ever happened, like everything's fine. John B has tried to get him to talk and stay over at the chateau, but he gave up on trying when they were only ten and JJ had screamed at him to leave him alone. For JJ, it wasn't about him being in danger or at risk of getting hurt, it was about him not wanting his best friend and brother to see him like that. Since then, John B hasn't pushed JJ to do anything or to talk about it. He still tries to encourage him and be as supportive as possible, but it's difficult when it gets this bad.
Pope isn't really happy about the situation either, neither are Sarah and Cleo, but they don't stand a chance to get JJ to listen. They've all tried, despite John B's contradictory statements about how JJ won't budge, cause this is how he's always dealt with it. This way has always worked for him, it's what's best for all of them, according to himself. He doesn't want any of his friends to see him like that, to even feel a fragment of what he feels. He doesn't want them to get hurt, in any way or form. He can't bare it.
This time it isn't just about one thing, it isn't just his usual problems of getting into to unnecessary fights or doing something stupid that makes him get into trouble with the local police.
It's his also dad.
And no. He hasn't done that. He barley touched JJ. Rather the complete opposite.
He left.
Sailed away from the island, left Outer Banks and everything behind. Including JJ.
He's never coming back.
Right?
It's good news.
Right?
He's finally gone and JJ can finally move on.
Right?
JJ doesn't have to worry anymore, he can live his life without fear and judgment.
Right?
-
She wants to yell at him, to tell him how he's hurting her and the other pouges by acting like this. That they're all trying to help him, that they want to help him and they always will. She wants to hold him in her arms and press him into her chest, stroking her fingers through his hair, to make him feel comforted and safe.
But instead, she shakes her head in disappointment, biting her lip to shut her words out.
-
He's angry, upset, and sad. So deep into the darkness of his mind that it's hard for him to even see a glimpse of light. It's nearly impossible.
But not for Kiara.
Somehow. In some way. She always finds a way. Even if it takes time, even if she have to fail a few times before she gets to him. There's something in her that motivates her more than the others, it's like a fire that never looses it spark no matter how much it gets exposed to water or air. She will always fight for him, even if she's the only one doing it.
With that being said, the others would never give up or leave JJ behind, absolutely not. John B has been by JJ's side longer than anyone and he wouldn't leave it for anything in the world. And JJ feels exactly the same. The same goes for the other pouges of course, they're family. No pouge left behind. JJ follows that motto, lives by it, but he doesn't apply it to himself. And that's the problem.
It's also hard for John B to help him when they're both so strongly willed, it's like a stubbornness that only builds up when they argue. It has happened before, many times, that they end up being upset or angry at each other instead of being calm and composed. Which doesn't really make the situation any better. Sometimes it takes a few takes to actually find a solution and being able to execute it.
Kiara has tired to scream, tried to hold him and she's tried to calmly talk to him but she's failed. Every time she gets too close it all falls apart and she has to start over again.
So this time, she tries something different. It's a little risky, she's not sure at all what the consequences might be, but she's desperate.
-
Kiara looks at him right in the eyes and starts laughing.
JJ stumbles back on one leg, down from the tree log and his face fills with confusion. He didn't expect the that.
She laughs at him like he's just said something really funny. Like what he said was just some typical and stupid joke.
He tries to make sense of what's happening, why's she's suddenly laughing when she usually yells at him or tries to calm him down.
"Oh now you don't have anything to say?" Kiara says, her laughter is now more of a chuckle and her tone is light and playful.
-
He's been acting like a idiot all night. Starting off by drinking lots of beer, smoking some joints with some shady tourons and telling stories around the bonfire. Stories about their treasure hunt, exaggerating it all by bringing in gun fires, running from the police and almost dying. Which is all true to some extent but not in the way he describes it. There wasn't any pirates for example, or mafias. And there was neither a bomb they had to disarm or a big tsunami that hit their boat. He was only exaggerating for attention, loving to be the one who makes every one laugh and shake their heads at his silly stories. It was stupid but harmless.
But then he started talking more about the pouges, saying things that shouldn't be said out loud, especially not around strangers. He started sharing private information, like how it all went to hell when Sarah's psycho brother and evil father got into the whole mess. How they had, at multiple occasions, tried to kill not only the pouges but Sarah, their own blood. That only made the crowd of people get even more interested in the stories, loving the gossip and drama about other's personal experiences. Some of them were tourons that doesn't no anything about who's who, the names that where thrown in to the story was simply just names to them. But most people were other people from the cut that knows well enough who the Cameron family is.
John B tried to stop him, same goes for Pope, but it was no use. Sarah and Cleo had yelled at him at one point, to get down from the tree log and shut his mouth.
JJ simply just shrugged his shoulders and kept going, not seeing any problems with him exposing private and personal information about his friends, his family. Or rather he pretended to not see them, to not care. He's acting nonchalant on the outside when in reality he's regretting every single word. He knows deep down that he's acting like a complete idiot, that he's said things he shouldn't and that he's gone way too far. But he's blinded by the attention and the mix of alcohol and weed that's running through his head.
-
"Fucking kook." His words are pure venom, poisonous and cruel, tasting like bitter regret on his tongue.
But he said them. Cause he's so determined to not brake his already fucked up and broken facade.
"Wow." Kiara says with a sigh and a chuckle, shaking her head as she looks down at her feet. "Good one." She ads, looking him right in the eyes.
"I-" JJ tries to keep his facade up, but it's barley even a picket fence.
"You're that desperate huh?" Kiara says. "To what? Make me mad?" Kiara walks closer to him. "To hurt me?"
-
Of course he doesn't mean it. She knows he doesn't mean it. That it's all just for show and to once again push down any kind of emotion or sign of truth and reality. He's self sabotaging himself by acting like a fool, saying and doing things without any sense of consequence. It's like his brain and mouth can't cooperate. One second he's thinking something and the other he's saying it out loud almost like he's not aware what he's doing, it just happens. All because he's in a state of deep self destruction.
But it does hurt. So much. More than either of them would ever admit.
She hates seeing him so deeply hurt and completely destroyed, like he's gone way to far into the dark and ended up lost. But the worst part is that he doesn't see how incredibly loved he is and how deeply she, and the other pouges, cares about him.
It hurts him just as much and just as bad. But for him, the worst part is that by hurting himself, he hurts her. He hurts Kiara. The one person he's been admin not to hurt his whole life but yet, he still does. He keeps making stupid mistakes that affects his friends. If he had the ability to keep everything from them, every single detail of his life that contains any kind of pain or suffering, he would do it in a heartbeat.
-
"Just leave me alone!" JJ shouted as he threw up his arm in frustration. Knowing his words are not near strong enough to convince her.
"No." Kiara's tone is sharp and steady.
"Fucking hell Kiara!" But he tries again, still shouting, but this time it's like he's trying to convince himself. "There's nothing to worry about ok?! I'm fine!"
"Cut the bullshit Jay. Stop acting like you don't care." Kiara swallows. "Stop acting like I don't care!"
"Cause you don't! You don't care and- I- You just don't-"
"JJ-"
"No you don't!"
"Yes I do!" Kiara yells even louder, drowning out his voice him.
JJ stumbles in his position, shifts his eyes to meet hers, gritting his teeth hard and breathing deeply as he tries to calm himself down.
"I do care. So much. And that's not gonna change just because you push me away and try to hurt me. It won't ever work Jayj. And you know why?" Kiara takes a small step forward, "Cause I'm not the one you're hurting the most. It's yourself."
-
It's like she's reading his mind. Like she's cracked the code, figured out the password to a highly secured secret that no one else has ever come close to figuring out.
But it's nothing she's just realised, it hasn't just randomly crossed her mind, she's known it for years. Maybe before the thought even crossed JJ's mind, cause his has been full of hate from his father and lies he's convinced himself are real. It has become a reality for him, that every thing that he's been through, every word that's been said to him or about him, is the truth. It's what he's learned from growing up, he's been taught to be a certain way, to do certain things and to say certain things to be able to survive. His life hasn't been a quest to find his own way of living, it's been a constant battle to stay alive.
And through all these years he's actively been trying to keep his friends away from it all, to protect them from his own personal life and problems. Cause if they get too close, they get hurt and that's worse than any of the pain he's experienced. But by acting nonchalant and unbothered with it all, by the constant pain and aching feeling in his chest, isn't doing anything to help. He's, instead of protecting his friends, hurting himself.
It's just that those words haven't been said out loud before. People have used implications to it, words that would indicate the same thing or have the same meaning, but it's been said in ways that doesn't fully expose it. That covers up the scary but undeniable truth.
-
JJ's eyes are filled with tears, they're burning in pain, begging for him to blink so the pain will end and the tears will all fall down his face like a waterfall. He's biting his tongue to keep it all in, to not break. But it's impossible. He can't hold it back anymore, it's way too painful. And he's so fucking tired.
Kiara looks at him with sympathy and love, her eyes are soft and kind as she blinks at him. A tear falls from her cheek the second JJ falls to his knees and the waterfall pours down his face.
He's bawling, pulling at his hair in deep desperation.
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking stupid." His words are almost inaudible, getting drowned out by the tears.
"You're not stupid Jayj." Kiara joins him down on the ground.
"I- I- It hurts so much I can't breathe." He's almost choking on his tears, completely overwhelmed by all the pain and emotions.
Kiara grabs his hand with her left, and his cheek with her right hand. "Jayj." Her voice is soft and sweet. It feels like home. "Look at me."
JJ lifts his head to meet her. And it's like he suddenly can see the light in all the darkness he's been consuming. His body instantly fills with warmth by simply just her gaze.
He feels a little stupid for forgetting how much she means to him, that if anyone would ask him what home is or even mention the word home in a sentence, he would immediately think about her.
"It's not your fault." She says it with ease, as if it were the most obvious and truthful thing.
"I'm sorry Kie." JJ's lips are quivering as he speaks. His voice is weak and a little low but the words are clear and deeply genuine.
"It's ok." She smiles softly at him.
-
The crowd of people is long gone. All of the tourons are now either on their way home, dancing by the shore or playing some drinking games. John B, with help from the other pouges, got the crowd to separate and leave the "room". No matter how badly someone fucks up, there's no chance of leaving them behind. They're family and they stick together, and in this situation, they recognised that JJ and Kiara had to be left alone.
The pouges, John B, Pope, Cleo and Sarah, knows Kiara got a different kind of relationship with JJ. Different in a sense that she fights for him, she struggles and falls but she always gets up again and keeps on fighting. That's harder for the other pouges for different reasons, some being that they haven't known him for that long and they can't really get through to him, others being that they have known him for that long and has fallen into letting it go because of JJ's stubbornness about him handling it by himself.
-
He falls into her arms. Embracing her as if she's his lifeline, pressing her into his chest to feel her warmth and presence. Kiara responds right away, holding him close and tight, as he sobs into her neck and his breath sending shivers through her body.
They hold each other. So close.
They hold each other for seconds and then for minutes. The familiar and safe scents and feelings, the soft and loving touch.
"I've missed you so much." JJ speaks through his sobs, pulling her in even closer and squeezing her firmly but gentle, like he'll lose her if he lets go.
"I've missed you too Jay." She says, squeezing him back in response.
"And I love you."
It's said quietly, and it sounds a little like she's thinking out loud.
JJ stops sobbing. He's quiet but his heart is beating fast and he looses his breath for a second. It takes a few seconds before he backs away from the hug and looks at her with teary and red eyes.
His brain can't process or comprehend what his ears has heard. The girl he's loved for years and years, is now saying she loves him.
"What'd you say."
Kiara places her hands on his cheeks, smiling at him as she looks into his eyes.
"I love you Jay. I care about you so much and I want to help you." She strikes his thumb against his cheek, gently wiping away his tears. "We'll get through this together, like we always do." She looks right into his eyes when she says the last few words.
"Yeah." JJ's breath calms down and his heart beats in a more normal pace. "Together."
-
Hearing him say it, hearing him confirming that they'll get through it together, is the first step to healing and moving forward. It's a confirmation that he won't ever be alone, no matter how many voices in his head or people around the island tells him differently.
He's not alone.
He's got his friends. His family. The pouges.
And he's got Kiara.
-