Chapter Twelve.
Carmen.
Despite the jacket I have over my hoodie and the long sweatpants, I feel the effects of chilly night air, my fingers red and cramping even if I shove them into the pockets.
Underneath the pale moonlight, I stroll the street, not the pavement but the road. There are no cars, just the houses to both sides of me, some suburban family home area I have lost myself to.
I can feel the dried-up tears under my eyes and the river on my left cheek down to my jaw. Like sand. Biting into my skin like the wintry wind on my body.
I picture the hellfire behind me, the explosion, like in that one movie, and I force a grin- sharp and evil like it shouldn't be. Though. I'm just a child, walking away from the home that was supposed to be their safe place, my safety and cure from the nasty world.
It's the complete opposite actually.
And my heart is aching, dull. My life wasn't meant to be like that. I didn't deserve that.
I swallow the spiky lump in my throat, with shaking hands I raise my phone to my ear and call the only person who will walk this hell with me, who has always been by my side, my rock.
He picks up on the second ring.
I speak before he has a chance to. "Fran."
New tears are welling in my eyes and his name comes out as a broken whisper.
Please, I really, really need you.
"Carmen" Perez is on alert immediately, edge to his voice palpable.
I press my chapped bloody lips together and suppress a sob.
"It's shit, Fran" I breathe, "It is really shit, and I don't have anything left to do" I let out a long breath and hope I don't break on this call with him.
Swallowing feels scratchy and I cough, feeling the pain in my back and head.
Like a fucking loser I am, I lift the bottle to my lips and take a swig. The warmth, the comfort.
"Carmen, listen to me-"
"What the fuck do I do?" I almost scream into my phone, sobbing, my walk turns a bit wobbly.
I take a deep breath and try to hear what my best friend is saying to me.
"Send me your location, ya hear me?" Even in my state I can tell that he's struggling to stay calm. "Can you do that? Are you able to?"
"Yeah" I rush out with a tired sigh. "In a moment-"
I click away swiftly, really fucking trying because my sight is blurry and fuck. Returning to the call, "Did" I mumble something.
"That's good. Are you good, Carm?" he rushes.
"Mhm"
"I can't hear you." He sighs and I hear the slamming of the door through the phone, "I am going to get you, okay?"
"Perez?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you"
A beat of silence. "I love you too. Now, stay alive. I'll be there in a second"
This is bizarre, all is bizarre. I want to throw up.
I accidentally end the call.
Perez doesn't call back.
I halt in my steps.
Everything around me is familiar, but I couldn't tell you where I am to save my life. Literally.
I turn to look behind me. Nothing. Only the dead of night in this quiet, lovely neighborhood. I sit down on the curb of the sidewalk, taking a gulp of this nasty liquor, I smash it to the ground beside me. The glass shattering into smithereens.
Moment in silence, in peace, that might be the end of my world.
Footsteps. There are footsteps, running heavy footsteps. As shitless scared I am, I count on it being Perez because I can't do this right now. I take the risk to stay sat and turn my head left.
Dark figure, hood over his head. Why aren't I running yet?
I shriek and absurdly stand when the figure reaches me and rests their hands on my shoulders, breathing heavily.
Pulling his hood off, Kian stands with hands in front of him. "It's me. Carmen, me"
"Why were you running?" I ask, freaked out.
"Was at friend's house, about to leave when I saw you" he breathes heavily from running.
I nod.
Kian looks all over me and then the shattered mess around me, the mess I am.
"What are you doing here?"
I shrug and look away.
Sitting back down, I rest my elbows on my knees and hide my face in my palms.
"Trust me, you don't want to know, Kie"
I'm too vulnerable and fragile to function at the moment.
Kian steps off the sidewalk and crouches in front of me. He gently pushes my flyaway pieces of hair off my face and examines it.
I don't know what he's searching for.
Bruises? Probably one somewhere. Tears? Sure, there. Cuts? Nah, maybe.
I smile sadly and nudge his hand away from my face.
"What happened?" He whispers. Kian looks angelic under the streetlamp, brown hair lit up, face full of concern.
"You know," I slur slightly, "you should get the fuck away from here, from me"
Kian recoils his head, confused.
Footsteps again, also running.
This time it is Perez, and he doesn't recognize Kian as he was just running to me from home, so he shoves the dude away from me. Kian flies sideways into a sitting position, barely missing the shards of glass as he stands and dusts his hands.
"Dude! What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kian scowls, exclaiming.
"Kian" Perez curses, "What the fuck are you doing here? What did you do to her?" He looks all over me and then stares at Kian, who's still scowling.
"I didn't fucking do anything"
"Carmen?" Perez leans on his knees in front of me, not caring if he hurts himself. Frantically, he looks over my body, takes my hands and examines them. "What's going on?"
The pit in my stomach explodes and I break down again, pathetically like a little kid throwing a tantrum when my friend looks at me with such concern and pain in his eyes. Perez holds onto my wrists and attempts to pull my hands away from my face, but I don't let him.
With my throat closing up, I don't say a word.
"Carmen, I'm going to hug you really fucking tight right now" Perez warns gently-aggressively-whatever, before his arms are around me and my soul leaves my body from his protective hold.
"Please" Perez's fucking voice fucking breaks because he has never seen me like that, broken and desperate, and fucking homeless, because fuck if I go back there, back to what happened to me. "Please tell me you're okay. Tell me it's not what I think it is"
I cry even harder because Francis Perez is crying and fuck, I don't know. Voice weak and helpless and frantic. I think I broke Perez.
I can't tell him, because I don't know what he's thinking. I am going to tell him later, all of it- most of it. He deserves to know.
I shake my head for some reason, to convince him or I.
Perez lets go of me and stands, running his hands through his hair. I look at Kian still standing there, and in the front row having experienced our little breakdown.
Perez extends his hand out, taking it, he pulls me up. He glances at Kian briefly, "Let's go to mine, yeah? Before you die out here," He shakes his head.
I nod.
"I'll walk you," Kian says.
Hard to walk, Perez pulls my arm around his neck to support me, and when Kian has done the same on my other side and it's still a shitshow, Perez exclaims. "For fucksake, couldn't you bring your car or what?" He glares at Kian.
I refused for him to pick me up and carry me, not needing to freak myself out, not sure how I, my body, will react.
"I was at a friend's house" he tells Perez what he told me.
"And you walked there?"
"Yes. I was doing my mindful walking"
"What the fuck even is that?"
"Google it, you fuck"
God, why are they yelling?
"I will" Perez swears.
"Good"
"Good"
They shut up for approximately five minutes, and we make it to the front of a familiar two-story house on Summer's Street.
Perez reaches into his pocket and withdraws a set of keys. When he pulls the front door open there is yelling heard from the inside. His parents.
He tries to play it off and be nonchalant, but I still am aware of how he tenses and how the thoughts in his brain go racing.
Throwing us a look, he pushes the door closed and we're left outside. He swallows.
"We can't." He shakes his head. "Not today"
"Why?"
"Because we can't"
Perez, I really needed you. I do.
***
I am sitting sideways on a vanity chair, looking at Kian who's sitting on a big bed, facing us.
It's Perez's first time here.
The room is warm and cozy and homey, a real home.
"Why are we in your mom's room, again?" Perez asks, lounging in a white armchair, hands on the armrest.
"Why not? It is so nice in here. I love her"
"She isn't even here"
Then Perez looks at me, I raise my eyebrows, he gets it. Realization had.
"Do not matter" Kian lies on his back on the bed, "So, Carmen, what are we going to do about you?"
"Shut up" Perez defends, gritting, "She can stay here for a night and then she can come to mine"
"Why would she have to stay with you?" Kians asks, arms behind his head.
Why couldn't I just go home?
I wrap my arms around my propped-up knee and make eye contact with Perez- Kian has no clue, he doesn't get it.
"Carmen?" Kian speaks from the bed after no one has said a word to answer him, still not looking at us.
"We tell him?" Perez mouths to me, I guess, because the Hennesey is still fuzzing with my head, the pills I swallowed in Kian's mother's bathroom making it all calm. Why am I doing this to me?
I shrug, because nothing matters right now.
Perez urges me with a look to decide, I nod. He thinks for a moment before answering Kian.
"Kian. Here's the thing- it's not just Carmen getting drunk and having a mental breakdown," I snort at that, "She's in a really ugly situation"
Kian sits up in a flash and looks between us.
"You are not pregnant, right?"
I shake my head, horrified.
Maybe I could have a baby one day. Some time when life isn't so crippling to bear.
"No," Perez exclaims. What if I was, dude be acting so sure...
I raise my brow at him, he tilts his head questioningly, but turns back to Kian.
"Listen," Perez continues, "She can't go home anymore" I nod in confirmation when he glances at me, that's the truth.
"Never," I mutter, "There was never my home"
Kian nods slowly.
"Homeless" I blurt.
Perez doesn't like that.
"No, you can live with me. You're basically my sister, moving in will just complete it, finalize it."
"Sure," I nod, I snap my head to Kian, "Do not tell anyone."
"I won't"
Good.
Kian walks us downstairs to the living room, giving Perez a tour of his home. Even I haven't got the tour yet, whatever. No need.
He leaves us here, telling us to settle in and put on a movie. There's a huge flatscreen on the wall, mhm. I feel too numb, too calm for the situation I am in. I only swallowed them little helpers because I knew my mind would go haywire. That's a problem for me to deal with tomorrow or later anyways.
The whole screen goes black, and I zone out, my mind focusing on the pictures on the walls and the bookshelves and the pattern of the curtain and on nothing. When I look back to the screen there's this blonde pirate girl. It takes me a few moments to recognize Keira Knightley.
'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl' is obviously the one Perez chooses. He has been in love with the woman since he was eight years old when he first started watching the movie series.
He made me watch the Sparrow movies every weekend since we became friends, up until the past few years. We haven't done that in a long time now.
I smirk, of course.
Half of the movie is over when Kian walks in with plates in his hands, filled with steaming food. He had been in the kitchen and his room, walking between them and murmuring into his phone.
I take the food from him when he reaches the plate for me, setting it on my lap and forgetting about it. Right now, the thought of food makes me want to throw myself into a wall.
"Where's Wren?" Perez asks as Kian sits on the couch next to him, momentarily distracted from the pirates in havoc.
"He's out with a friend, had some business to deal with in the city"
"He won't come to school tomorrow?" I ask, because it feels empty without him here. And if he's out that late, will he be at school tomorrow?
"Oh, he will. Sterling is selfish, but Wren has a backbone, won't let his business to interfere his private life"
Perez seems to recognize the name, "Sterling?" he tenses.
"Yeah. I don't know him though"
I'm too out of it to read Perez's face for some info, so I just let it go and close my eyes. I'm not quite asleep yet when I feel the plate being taken away from my lap and a blanket being set over me.
"She didn't eat"
"Yeah"
Sigh.
"Will she be okay?"
"She will. I promise. I will make sure of it."
I love him. When I don't have anything in this world, I have Francis Perez and until I die, he has me.
***
I am sitting sideways on a vanity chair, looking at Kian who's sitting on a big bed, facing us.
It's Perez's first time here.
The room is warm and cozy and homey, a real home.
"Why are we in your mom's room, again?" Perez asks, lounging in a white armchair, hands on the armrest.
"Why not? It so nice in here. I love her"
"She isn't even here"
Then Perez looks at me, I raise my eyebrows, he gets it. Realisation had.
"Do not matter" Kian lies on his back on the bed, "So, Carmen, what are we going to do about you?"
"Shut up" Perez defends, gritting, "She can stay here for a night and then she can come to mine"
"Why would she have to stay at yours?" Kian asks, arms behind his head.
Why couldn't I just go home?
I wrap my arms around my propped-up knee and make eye contact with Perez- Kian has no clue, he doesn't get it.
"Carmen?" Kian speaks from the bed after no one has said a word to answer him, still not looking at us.
"We tell him?" Perez mouths to me, I guess, because the Hennesey is still fuzzing with my head, the pills I swallowed in Kian's mother's bathroom making it all calm. Why am I doing this to me?
I shrug, because nothing matters right now.
Perez urges me with a look to decide, I nod. He thinks for a moment before answering Kian.
"Kian. Here's the thing- it's not just Carmen getting drunk and having a mental breakdown," I snort at that, "She's in a really ugly situation"
Kian sits up in a flash and looks between us.
"You are not pregnant, right?"
I shake my head, horrified.
Maybe I could have a baby one day. Sometime when life isn't so crippling to bear.
"No" Perez exclaims. What if I was, dude be acting so sure...
I raise my brow at him, he tilts his head questioningly, but turns back to Kian.
"Listen," Perez continues, "She can't go home anymore" I nod in confirmation when he glances at me, that's the truth.
"Never," I mutter, "There was never my home"
Kian nods slowly.
"Homeless" I blurt.
Perez doesn't like that.
"No, you can live with me. You're basically my sister, moving in will just complete it, finalize it."
"Sure," I nod, I snap my head to Kian, "Do not tell anyone."
"I won't"
Good.
Kian walks us downstairs to the living room, giving Perez a tour of his home. Even i haven't got the tour yet, whatever. No need.
He leaves us here, telling us to settle in and put on a movie. There's a huge flatscreen on the wall, mhm. I feel too numb, too calm for the situation I am in. I only swallowed them little helpers because I knew my mind would go haywire. That's a problem for me to deal with tomorrow or later anyways.
The whole screen goes black, and I zone out, my mind focusing on the pictures on the walls and the bookshelves and the pattern of the curtain and the on nothing. When I look back to the screen there's this blonde pirate girl. It takes me a few moments to recognize Keira Knightley.
'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl' is obviously the one Perez chooses. He has been in love with the woman since he was eight years old when he first started watching the movie series.
He made me watch the Sparrow movies every weekend since we became friends, up until the past few years. We haven't done that in a long time now.
I smirk, of course.
Half of the movie is over when Kian walks in with plates in his hands, filled with steaming food. He had been in the kitchen and his room, walking between them and murmuring into his phone.
I take the food from him when he reaches the plate for me, setting it on my lap and forgetting about it. Right now, the thought of food makes me want to throw myself into a wall.
"Where's Wren?" Perez asks as Kian sits on the couch next to him, momentarily distracted from the pirates in havoc.
"He's out with a friend, had some business to deal with in the city"
"He won't have come to school tomorrow?" I ask, because it feels empty without him here. And if he's out that late, will he be at school tomorrow?
"Oh, he will. Sterling is selfish, but Wren has a backbone, won't let his business to interfere his private life"
Perez seems to recognize the name, "Sterling?" he tenses.
"Yeah. I don't know him though"
I'm too out of it to read Perez's face for some info, so I just let it go and close my eyes. I'm not quite asleep yet when I feel the plate being taken away from my lap and a blanket being set over me.
"She didn't eat"
"Yeah"
Sigh.
"Will she be okay?"
"She will. I promise. I will make sure of it."
I love him. When I don't have anything in this world, I have Francis Perez and until I die, he has me.
***
Wren.
My car slows to stop, smoke withering behind me as I drive away from the finish line. I picked up Kian's call about when I had just crossed the line. That bitch can be clingy.
His voice booms through the car, my phone connected to the car system. To finish the call he asks, "Mom and dad aren't coming back home tonight, right?"
"If they aren't back yet, then yes, I assume so." I say, driving farther away from the crowd, so they won't bother me.
"Good. By the way, will you be back before morning?"
I don't plan on staying here or with Sterling too long, "Yes. Why?"
"Just" he says. "Anyways, I'm gonna' go, our food id bout' to burn"
"Our?"
A beat of moment, before Kian sighs, "Yes..."
"Who, dude? I swear to God, don't even think about throwing a party or anything."
"Perez and Carmen are here"
Perez.
With him, things are a bit salty. Yes, we get along and shit, but the thing is, he saw me here a few days ago. He knows. He knows the shit I get up to. The thing is, he shouldn't. If he was someone random, I wouldn't care. Him being Carmen's friend, also Kian's, he might tell them. They don't need to know.
Carmen.
Why would she be there this late?
"Why?" betrayers, hanging out without me, some friends they are...
"Look," Kian sighs, and then again, "She's in bit of stick situation and she needed somewhere to stay for a night"
"All okay, right?"
The silence he lets grow doesn't ease my worrying mind. "Yes"
He wouldn't lie to me; I could tell if he did and right now it seems to actually be okay.
With a quick text to Sterling, I turn my car around and get the hell out of here. It's almost an hour drive home if I were to stay around the speed limit, but I don't do that. As night fell long ago and barely any cars were on the highway and else, I don't care about letting go of the gas pedal and flying through the dark, under the stars, under the full moon.
I just want to get home, take a hot shower and sleep. If I could I'd sleep forever, too damn dear to me. It might be the love of my life, it must be.
Relaxing my body in the seat I watch the trees blur by; the buildings and then houses and stores. I reduce the speed when I get into Gamwell, being more careful and mindful about the added dangers and consequences. Safety first, kids! Keep your seatbelt on and all that.
The lights are out in the house, all quiet. Only when I assume them to be in the living room and step into there, the TV screen being the only source of light, volume turned down as much as possible to hear at least a bit.
Carmen being curled up beside Perez being the reason.
Perez turns his head, sensing me standing there, I return his nod when he sends me one. Then I make eye contact with my brother. I raise my brow at him.
He doesn't communicate or get the hint that I want to talk to him privately, so, I take a few steps closer to the couch.
Casting my eyes down, I look at the girl. She has a beige couch blanket over her as she sleeps. She has hair fallen over her face, so I lean down and move it away. My hand lingers near her ear, my eyes catching onto her tear-streaked puffy face.
And then, the red and purple marks on her slightly exposed neck. My heart falls a little, huh?
My head snaps up to Kian, I scowl and nod my head to the doorway, "Kie, come for a moment" I whisper. Kian nods and stands, following me out of the room and up the stairs.
He bumps my shoulder, "Had fun?"
I nod.
I close the door to my room after us.
"Kie"
He raises his brows. "What?" He speaks flatly.
"Why is Carmen here?"
"Don't want her here? I can throw her out if you really want me to"
I deadpan, "Shut the fuck up, are you fucking serious right now?"
"When aren't I?"
I sigh, running my hand through my hair.
"Wren, she-"
"Kie, you fucking told me she needed a place to stay for a night. You didn't fucking say that she looked like she had gone through a war or some shit" I feel my heart beating into my throat.
Hair disheveled and knotted, dried tears on her face, bruises on her neck and hand. She reeked of alcohol, sipping brandy and shit.
Kian scowls. "She was crying a little" He tries to soften it for me.
"She had a mental fucking breakdown. That," I point with my finger to the door, out the room, desperate and searching for words, hoping my words come out clear, "that- she- no, Kian. Are you fucking blind?"
The girl looked devastated, so fragile.
"I didn't kno-"
"Don't tell me, you didn't know, Kian," I cut him off, "You saw her on that curb, you aren't that fucking dense"
On the call Kian had told me that she had been crying and in a bit of shit, so he took her home.
I sigh.
My brother isn't dense, neither is he blind. He was just trying to soften it for me, or for some reason, he didn't want me to panic or whatever.
"I knew you were going to lose your head" he confirms my thoughts, "I waited for you to get here so you could see for yourself if you really wanted to."
I let myself drop to my bed, sitting on the edge of it, I sigh again.
"You know, Tobes, you care so fucking much sometimes."
I scoff.
"Caring bout' Carma isn't wrong, though. She needs a friend,"
I look up at him as he casually leans against the wall next to the door, hands behind his back.
"She has Perez"
Kian nods, his brown hair moving to his eyebrows, "She could have you too, right? Us?"
"Kian-"
"Trust me. Fran can't shelter her from the world all the time, he has his own shit going on. We too could be there for her. I know I am."
I think about it. Of course, I know that I am there for her and on her side. Why wouldn't I?
"I am, Kie. That's why I care" I say quietly.
**