A few days later, I joined their shoot for Going Seventeen which was in the countryside. If I didn't know any better, it was to bring me and Dokyeom close again and to distract us from everything on the social networks. Mingyu had been visibly affected by all the chaos as much as me and Dokyeom as well. The entire group in general felt as if everyone was walking on eggshells around us.
NaEun approached me with a warm smile, pulling me into a friendly hug. "Glad you decided to come," she said, and I returned the smile.
"I won't ask if you're okay because I know it's a hell ride, but it will die down soon enough; that I can promise you." NaEun spoke, placing a comforting hand on my arm.
As I walked towards the shoot location with NaEun, the boys started noticing me and walked towards us.
"Hey" I heard Dokyeom's voice. He looked exhausted and sleep deprived.
"How are you here?" he asked and the rest left, leaving us both to talk.
"Seungcheol invited me. How are you?" I asked with a small smile. The awkwardness between us was heavily visible but it had to be addressed some point of the time.
To my question Dokyeom simply shook his head and shrugged and continued looking at me before both of us moved a step ahead and he wrapped me in a hug. Feeling his warm embrace felt rewarding, it felt like home. Something I had missed terribly for the past few days. As many conflicts we had between us due to the scandal, we both needed each other more than anything.
"Dokyeom-ssi, shoot is starting!" some assistant director hollered from a distance and after a few seconds Dokyeom let go of the hug.
"I need to go" Dokyeom started in an apologetic manner and I nodded understandingly.
"Go, we'll talk later" I said as he left for his shoot.
While the boys shot their episode I watched them from behind the camera for a while and later went back to a room where I could email my company about my job whereabouts. After NaEun was free, she joined me and the two of us went out for a walk around near the shoot location. We had been closer than ever, finding more and more similar things, we were good friends.
NaEun and I entered the house that they were shooting in to see the boys having dinner and drinking and enjoying their drinking games.
"NaEun noona will represent us by taking this shot for us" Hoshi announced as NaEun and I entered and he handed her a shot, making Dino and Mingyu burst into silent fits of laughter while some other members encouraged NaEun who downed the shot glass happily. Clearly, Mingyu and Dino were drop dead drunk.
As the others noticed me enter the room, the game cheer went down. Dokyeom got up from his seat and walked towards me. He picked up two beer bottles from the table and we both walked outside.
We popped open the beer bottles and took a large swig out of it as we stood there in awkward silence. Someone had to break the silence, but I don't think we knew where to start.
"How mad are you at me?" He asked, ripping off the bandage of silence and I glanced at his side.
"I'm not"
"Come on, of all the things that we do, we don't lie" he said and I chuckled to myself a little nodding.
"I was mad at you two-three days back, now not that much" I answered and he nodded understanding.
"There is no beating around the bush. I miss you too much, I can't explain it. I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you these last few days, I know the situation isn't the very best right now, but selfish or not, I can't be without you. I meant it when I said that you're my everything. I see what you were fighting for that day." he expressed and the cold air engulfed me, or maybe it was his words.
"I didn't push you away. I'm sorry I walked away, but I didn't push you away." I spoke in a low voice under my breath.
Dokyeom sighed, his breath visible in the chilly night air. "I know, Hana. I just- I got scared. Seeing you suffer because of me, it felt like I was losing everything, you were losing everything because of me. But I realised now that losing you hurts more. More than I can tolerate."
I looked into his eyes, seeing a genuine remorse that echoed my own feelings. "I haven't lost anything that I couldn't get back, my job? I'd get a new one. The articles? People would forget them sooner or later. You? I told you I can't find another you." I sighed and continued again fidgeting with my beer bottle. "We're both scared, Dokyeom. You think nothing is affecting me apart from our relationship? I wasn't the only person suffering, you were too. You're still getting death threats from some so-called fans because you're dating me. Your mental health, your career is at stake too here but leaving each other isn't going to solve it. We can't let fear dictate our choices."
Taking a deep breath, he put his bottle down and walked towards me and cupped my face "Please don't think like that, those messages, they mean nothing. They don't scare me, but you leaving does. I need you, that's all." he explained and I managed a small smile as both of our eyes became teary.
"Hana, I'm sorry for making you feel like you're disposable, or that I won't fight for us. I won't say things like that." he spoke, honesty in his eyes. "You know what happened these past two weeks? It made me realise that I have lost a lot in my life before you, and I have survived from it all. But if I lost you, it would devastate me as nothing else has or ever could. You have power over me that no one else does."
I stood there, speechless. Unaware of what to speak after his expression of vulnerability.
The tears that had welled up in my eyes, flew down my face finding their way and I cried. They were tears of happiness, tears of guilt, tears of sadness, all together.
"I'm sorry I walked out of that room that day, I was scared too." I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for second-guessing your feelings for me." I mumbled and Dokyeom chuckled, lightly wiping my tears.
"I think we've both apologised a lot about all this now. Let's fight it together. I'm by your side, Hana. We'll get through this." Dokyeom assured me and hugged me close, calming us both down.
"We have to, I have so many things in mind for us." I spoke through my tears chuckling and wiping my tears on the sweater paws of my hoodie.
"Like what?"
"Like, I still need to give you a haircut when your hairstylist won't come for my life, I want to ride scooters with you in Paris someday. I want to see the northern lights with you while we freeze in the cold. I want to hear you sing for the rest of my life, but mostly I just want to cling onto you like a koala. " I answered, chuckling and it had Dokyeom giggling in the hug and tugged me closer to his body with his hands on my waist.
"I love these plans" he said and I smiled from ear to ear.
"You know" I started, still hugging him, resting my head on his chest. "I barely remember what my life was like before you entered my life. I remember every moment I've spent with you, ever since I met you for the first time. I remember it all. But these two weeks, I went crazy, I didn't know what to do because I couldn't see myself in the future without you, I didn't remember what I did before you. I don't think there's a part of me left that exists without you anymore" I confessed slowly, amazed, that I was naturally speaking my deepest feelings out loud.
Dokyeom held me tighter, absorbing my words. "Hana, I can't picture a future that doesn't have you in it either. We've got a lifetime of memories waiting to be made."
As we stood there, wrapped in each other's arms, I felt a renewed sense of strength. The weight of the past weeks began to lift and the two of us finally breathed, relaxed.
After staying in each other's warm embrace while whispering sweet nothings to each other, we decided to go inside where everyone else was. As we made our way inside the room, the others looked busy playing their game. Neither of them asked about what we had talked or how it had gone, for which I was grateful for. They just invited us both to join the game midway and sit down with them.
I sat behind Dokyeom and he fed me a piece of fully cooked meat that was sizzling on the marbling plate at the corner of the table.
"Did you guys lose?" I asked Mingyu who was on the same team as Hoshi as we saw Hoshi persuade NaEun down another shot in his place.
"Hoshi hyung got the wrong answer, again. He passed the shot to her because he doesn't want to get drunk quickly today." Mingyu answered and Dokyeom and I nodded.
"Wah, that's new." I said and grabbed Dokyeom's glass of water and drank a bit from it.
"Are you both drinking today?" Jeonghan asked and we nodded our heads as Jeonghan passed us bottles of whiskey and I patted Dokyeom's back to tell him the game had started again for him to pay attention.
I watched them play the game while stealing food from Dokyeom's plate occasionally. Slowly as the games proceeded Dokyeom leaned back on me with my arms around his body and my chin on top of his head which lay on my chest.
As the empty bottles on the table increased, so did the amount of embarrassing episodes that everyone was exposing.
As all of us were laughing at an embarrassing story of NaEun, Seungkwan swatted my arm, "I have one of you too" he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes and I looked at him with curiosity.
"Does anyone remember that concert in Japan when she had surprised him? Recently, not the old ones." Seungkwan started gaining everyone's attention
"We were singing World and she was recording us- I'm sorry, she was recording Dokyeom hyung. He was his usual energetic self and he was walking behind Coups hyung and smacked his ass all of a sudden and you can see Coups hyung flinch because Dokyeom hyung smacked him." Seungkwan exposed me and everyone laughed and I sighed thinking this was the end but it wasn't.
"OH! I remember this!" Scoups said laughing and glared at Dokyeom comically while Dokyeom laughed his ass off. We were too drunk to react to this in a functionally normal manner.
"You have that on record?" Dokyeom asked looking up and I nodded
"No, the main part is, she was recording and she saw him spanking Coups and you can actually hear her say "SCOUPS MOVE , MY TURN" everyone burst into laughter while I curled into myself out of embarrassment hiding my face that was all red now.
Aaah's and Oooh's rang throughout the room like suddenly everyone was a raging teenager and this was the first encounter of classmate love they had witnessed.
"I wanna die" I cried out and downed two shots out of embarrassment as others continued laughing their asses off including Dokyeom. I just hoped everyone, even I, would forget this tomorrow once sober.
Thank you for reading