Lena's POV
Months since that terrible mistake, and still, now, when Stef says that she loves me, as much as I can't get enough of hearing it, it makes me feel terrible... I love her so much, even after all these years I'm still so deeply in love with her, and I can't shake this feeling of guilt off of me... I should have at least told her...
But now what is done is done and I won't hurt her so that I can feel better and less guilty, I won't. So I better find a way to deal with it on my own.
Today is Brandon's prestation for Idyllwild, and we all decided to go to support him, the kids, Mike, Stef and myself. Who would have thought years ago that we would all be excited to go somewhere with Mike as a family, and mostly who would have thought that we would have so many kids. The original plan was to give Brandon at least one little sister or brother, and now he has 4 siblings, and I don't regret a single one of them.
Anyways, we arrived there yesterday, or at least I did for Stef is the lucky one that got to drive Callie and Mariana here a little bit later, and so I have to be stuck with Monte alone, but it was a little bit less awkward than usual, so I guess that is a progress and then Jenna arrived and no matter how much I love her, she's exhausting.
Over the years, even though she was initially my friend, she became even more friend with Stef to the point that they call each other best friend. Not that I mind, but yeah, I'm a little bit jealous sometimes for I'm supposed to be Stef's best friend... but yeah I know that this is childish so Stef and I joke about it, and she adores teasing me about it, even though at the end of day she always tell me that no matter if Jenna is her best friends, I'll always be her favorite person, and that makes me feel very, very good.
Stef is so, so sweet sometimes that she still can make me blush like no one else and even when we are not really okay, remembering how she can be when she's not so obsessed about something, always put things in perspective and warm my heart. However, it's not always enough unfortunately, and that caused me to do one of the biggest mistakes of my life...
During the past few weeks, Stef did make some effort like she said she would. She was much more attentive and affectionate with me, and she listens to me a bit more as well. We don't always have time or energy to have a lot of sex like we would like, but we do try to as least sleep naked and rub each other's body at night for the kids were old enough for us to sleep the door close now. That alone makes me immensely happy because I've missed her like this. I was so angry with her at time that even without saying anything to her, I think she could feel my anger and so she didn't try to approach me for I know how much she still can't deal with rejection.
That is something that I know is one of her weaknesses, one of her deepest pains coming from her parents, especially her father, and sometimes that reflect on our relationship. Rarely though, for she told me that I'm the only one that make her feel totally accepted, it's just that sometimes unconsciously she pulls away to protect herself when she feels that I'm angry or not in the mood, she would just wait until I'm more open to come to me, and so far this process worked beautifully for us because it's healthy that we give each other the space needed even though sometimes it goes a bit too far and we end up drifting apart like we did this year.
But right now, we are pretty fine, getting closer to each other again, and ready to hear our son and his friends, playing music for us. Hopefully Brandon will win the contest, but either way, we are just always so happy to come see him play for he's so talented and the three of us with Mike, are very proud of him.
I was sitting next to Stef in the public, waiting for Jenna and Monte to come join us and both Stef and I were surprised to see Jenna arrived without Monte.
"Where's Monte?" I ask to Jenna.
"She left." She says as I frown.
"Why?" Stef asks.
"We broke up." She blurts out, not really looking at any of us as again, I feel this pitch of guilt crashing over me because Monte told me last night that Jenna's feelings were progressing faster than hers and that maybe she wasn't the woman for her, as she was looking so intensely into my eyes after she just said that she loved sex with women... I honestly didn't know what to say to her, I was so uncomfortable even though the wine helped, but it was definitely awkward.
Not really knowing what to say, and since the show was about to start, we decided not to ask more question to Jenna for now and just enjoy the music.
After that, and the masterpiece Brandon played for us that of course made me and Stef cry, we all went have a drink to wait for the announce of the winner, who would be playing in a very prestigious place in the future.
Stef's POV
I was talking to Callie for a minute when Jenna asks for my attention for it seems like she's not okay and that she doesn't want to be here. Also, being her best friend, it's only natural that I go see what is going on with her.
"So what's going on?" I ask Jenna as we stand in a quitter place, away from the noise.
"Sorry, I don't... I don't want to be such a bummer." She says getting emotional, with tears in her eyes witch I rarely see for she's always the fun one, she's always so extravagant and cracking joke and being inappropriate, and those things drives me crazy sometimes, but I hate seeing her all over the place like this for after the divorce with Kelly, I know it has been rough for her no matter how hard she tries to hide it.
"It's okay. What happened?" I ask, feeling so sorry that it didn't work out for her and Monte.
"I don't... I don't know if I should tell you this..." she says, making me thrown my eyebrows.
"What?" I ask anyway.
"Monte and I broke up because... well, she has feelings for somebody else." She says surprising the hell out of me, for last time I check Monte wasn't even into women.
"Oh, honey, who?" I ask, feeling bad for her and that's when it became odd for she lost eye contact with me and didn't respond, instead she looked toward the gathering of people, and when I look in the same direction, my heart dropped instantly, understanding everything all of the sudden.
"Wait... did she tell you that she has feelings for Lena?" I ask, for maybe it's a mistake, maybe she misunderstood. I hope she misunderstood.
"She... she said that... that she fell in love with Lena, that hum... that they have a connection that she doesn't have with me, and that..." Jenna starts, but stop at one point, making me aware that there's worst.
"That what?" I ask, already very ready to explode.
"And that... kissing me is not the same as... as kissing her..." she says hesitantly as I can see that she's heart broken, while I'm in such rage I may kill someone right now.
"I'm so sorry Stef..." she says, for by now I was lost for word. I mean what the hell is that? Maybe... maybe Monte's lying. Maybe she is, and if it's the case I'll have her fucking head because nobody messes with my wife! However... if this story is true I... I really don't know what I would do...
"I'm gonna go Stef, I don't feel so great... again I'm sorry... tell Brandon his piece was amazing and... good luck Stef..." Jenna says, kissing my cheek before she left, as I was completely livid. But at the same time, I heard that Brandon had win the contest and I was so happy and so proud of him, that I put aside whatever feeling I had to be able to congrats my boy.
I hug Brandon warmly and tell him how proud I am and then I pull away, looking at everyone gathering around him when I felt Lena kisses my cheek and I lose my smile instantly, my body tensing at her touch for I have such a sick feeling right now, and I hate it more than anything so I have to know now, I really do. We were supposed to stay in the cabin for the weekend, but I can't stay here, I can't make a scene here when Brandon is so happy to celebrate his victory.
"My head hurt; we need to go home." I say to Lena, trying not to sound too upset.
"Are you sure honey? We have a cabin for just the two of us, you could take a medicine." She says as I can't for the life of me look at her right now.
"No, I want to go home. Brandon will take the others home tomorrow." I say, not giving her a choice and thank God we came with different cars for I need to clear my damn head right now as I walk away to tell Mariana that they are staying here with Brandon tonight and that we are going home because I don't feel well.
With that, I didn't wait for Lena that is God knows where, and I just left.
Once on the road, I was thinking about all the times Lena said that she was coming home late, all the time she spend with that woman, how she was the first to know that Lena was hesitating about adopting Ana's baby, how she knew that we lost ours... and now how am I supposed to deal with that, how am I supposed to face the possibility that Lena had cheating on me, that she's having an affair... never in a million years I would have thought that this could happen to us. We have our differences, we fight, but this? This is way more that I could ever accept or forgive for that matter, so she better have a very good explanation, I hope to God that this Monte is only lying because I'm really, really going to lose my fucking mind!