Subaru POV
Hall of Memories, 'Cradle' of the Od Laguna
We have to play this safe. Subaru thought to himself. The little girl that stood before him, although with a smile plastered on her face, was anything but kind in terms of the aura she's radiating. The sinister presence is enough to make him stunned, but he decided to let his rational mind do the talking.
Sin Archbishop... huh. Y/N's teammates were one of them... but I don't believe they're exactly good people. I remember that Y/N explained a little to me - even though I have no idea how he even knew, since he also lost his memories - regarding some history of this world.
"......First of all, Witch Cult or 'Gluttony', Sin Archbishop, what the hell do they even mean."
"Awa~ ~tsu." Whilst Subaru folded his arms and tilted his head, Rui put her hand on her mouth and smiled widely before she uttered her answer. "The Witch Cult, you see, is basically a gathering of people loathed by this world."
"Oh?"
"Even onii-san must have at least heard the name'Witch of Envy', no? The Witch Cult, has a deep connection with that Witch-sama...... we~ll, you can think of it as something like followers."
"......Then, what you said just now, refers to Sin Archbishop, huh."
"That would be correct."
"Hmm... would that mean that you guys are some sort of villains?"
"Oh no, well no, ah no, as it's no, we're telling you no, even though it's no you kno~w." While Rui's smile faded from her face, her vague wording left Subaru perplexed as to what she's really trying to say.
"Not convincing at all. Also, the way you use your first person pronoun, is it cause it's stuck to your character? Or is it a cool appeal like a one man army. We or us, it's not stable, you know."
"A~h...... you don't have to worry about that. It's just that, there are too many selves, so it's getting airy as to which one is to be the subject, that's all. At this point, we're actually getting sick of it, you know." Rui sighed as she rubbed her temples. "It can't be helped, isn't it. They are gifts from onii-chan and nii-sama after all, must earnestly accept them or it'll be disqualification as a little sister. We're siblings so we must help each other out and cooperate, you know."
"...Well, you're an adorable little sister, considerate of your elder brothers. I was the only child so I'm jealous."
"Is that so, eh? Onii-san may have also gotten a little brother or little sister about now, no?"
"Could you stop saying terrifying stuff!? I don't want to imagine that!?"
Regardless, his parents were an intimate married couple, so something like that actually meant no jest. If it's that father and mother of his, they would have another child upon Subaru's disappearanceー no. Inconceivable. Should Subaru disappear, they would continue searching until they find him, that's how Subaru's parents were. What must have his mother thought of her son, who did not even say any greetings when leaving. What must have his father felt, upon getting to know about that.
He wished, that Subaru's summoning into the different world was a reincarnation, is what his belief was. Must he make his parents taste the agony of searching for their disappeared son, then Subaru wanted to say that he came to the different world after dying. That was much more comfortable. It had much more, salvation. That is whyー
"We understand, onii-san."
"~hk! Don't joke around!" Subaru jerked back, an uncomfortable feeling creeping up his spine. It was not as if she had spoken of his current uneasiness. It was merely that having his bitter expression observed, he had been told as if she understood Subaru's sentiments. Finding that to be terribly infuriating, Subaru shouted at Rui, and turned his back towards her.
"As if you know anything about me! Saying things as you plea......"
"You're inexcusably apologetic towards dad, and mom, aren't you? Without having said a single word of farewell, you're regretting how disobedient of a son you were. No, you were always regretting. Both now and earlier, isn't it?"
Subaru halted his breath and stiffened his body. Not because of having been nestled close to by the young girl. Because of the very content of the young girl's words. Those comments of one showing to be a sympathizer, had unmistakably, however, guessed the end of Subaru's heart correctly.
"Why do we understand, you say? Isn't it obvious we'd understand. Because there's not a single person who knows about onii-san as much as we or us do, after all."
"Don't touch me!" Subaru pushed Rui away as he took a few steps back, shaken at the fact that she was being overfamiliar with him. Too...over-familiar, in fact. In an eerie way that felt unnatural.
"Ah."
"What's the deal, with you! What do you want to say!"
"We just want onii-san to be relieved, we're telling you. It's alright, it's alright. There's a pro~per fullstop, on your feelings for dad and mom. Even if it may be one-sided, it's with the intention of facing them. Your heart got relaxed, we're telling you. Pretence, you see."
Whilst deriding, Rui had the nails of her right hand stab into her left arm. With the note of scratching, with vigour one would flinch from pain by simply witnessing, she began wounding that thin, white arm. At Subaru, who knitted his eyebrows upon that deed, Rui unraveled her frighteningly scarlet, long tongue,
"Pretence, is completely healthy. It makes it look as if there are no problems within one's heart at all. You're skilled at it, onii-san, isn't it. It's sad that you're skilled at it, onii-san, isn't it."
"I, don't get what you want to say. I don't get it, but it'll become an injury so stop. Well then, let's play the catch of conversation. No beamers allowed. Let's keep in mind to only throw curveballs."
"Mutually?"
"Mutually. Yeah, for example...... let's continue the conversation about Sin Archbishops, from earlier."
Deciding to shift the conversation back to the main topic in order to stay away from Rui's flow, Subaru decided to further question the Archbishop. Perhaps by talking to her, things that even Y/N may not know can rise to the surface.
"If you are Gluttony, then there must be six other similar people, no?"
"If onii-chan and nii-sama were also to be included, then that would make exactly six, we guess? Ah, but, it got reduced by two people recently so there may be four people now. If only those two could just die quickly as well, you know."
Y/N did say that Sloth and Greed got killed, so that part makes sense. Lust is on his side now, while Wrath is sealed in a tower. If she's Gluttony, judging by that logic on how she phrased it, both her brothers can also be counted as 'Gluttony'... following the Seven Deadly Sins, what about Pride and Envy, then? Hmm...
"......If that's what you say, then your sense of comradeship seems to be pretty low."
"It's obvious, you know. We may name ourselves as something like Sin Archbishops, but we are just a gathering of people loathed by this world anyway. Just the way of calling us is different, but we're the same as the Witch after all."
"Witch?" Subaru was taken aback. Y/N had not gone deeply into the witches' lore. "You mean same as the Witch which seems to be believed as being excessively frightening?"
"As one would expect, the nature of the Witch of Envy is worse than even us so we don't want to be lumped together, you know. The rest is the same. Both Witch and Sin Archbishop, are the same thing which are just called differently. The good-for-nothings compatible with the Witch Factors, are just called differently due to different eras and positions, that's all."
"..."
"We~ll, the present onii-san has forgotten about Witches and Sin Archbishops, and us anyways, so whichever one may be fine, you know. We get it, we do get it, we get it you know, as we get it, but we got it, because we got it, because we had gotten it......"
"Shut it." Subaru was honestly tired of her unnecessary charade.
"Ah."
Mouthing off, intercepting the words assailing upon him like a wave, Subaru put his hand on his chin. Somehow or the other, it also felt like he was getting to hear things which were quite important. Though it was a speech Subaru couldn't make a single pinpoint at, it seemed he could remain without getting into the awkward situation of returning to Emilia and the rest without reaping any harvest.
However, Subaru pondering here was not due to the existence or nonexistence of that achievement. Subaru was pondering here due to the unease he felt from Rui's responses, which could be avoided no moreー no, it was a sensation which ought to be labelled as one he was already familiar with. With that as the reason, if there was anything that struck his mind...
"Could it be, you're a lineage of gods?"
"Lineage of gods, you say...... ah, is it this? Something like, reincarnation into different worlds? Don't really get it, but we and that are unrelated. Certainly, this is a place which can feel weird, though." Rui turned her body around, fluttering her blonde hair in the white expanse as she gestured to the blank realm. "This is, a place just as how it appears. A place where e~verything disappears, hence, a place with nothing. We're standing here all alone, that's why we may seem like the guardian deity of this place, hm?"
"The cradle of Od Laguna, was it? Including the name Hall of Memories as well, none of it got into my head whatsoever."
"Hm, hm, hm, hm~, guess so...... Basically, this is the place where souls are filtered."
"Filtering, souls?" Subaru struggled to understand the foreign term.
"You use a dust cloth which had been used before once again after washing and drying it, no? The same goes for souls. By clearing the dirt stuck onto it, it is used once more when in a clear state again."
"That... dirt stuck onto it...does it mean memories or experiences and stuff?"
"If that's what you can understand, then let's keep it that way, alright? Onii-san, do as how you'd like."
It's not something so easy to comprehend, you know."
"That god called Od Laguna is pretty malicious, isn't it."
"It's not an article so great as to be called god, that thing. That thing has nothing like such splendid ideology, after all. It's just a mechanism, you know. A mechanism for keeping the world from breaking is what it is."
"A mechanism......"
"Whether it be Witch Factors, Divine Protections, Sword Saints, or Witches, it considers nothing, you know. If there's something nice about Od Laguna, it's just that it's uninterested, equal, impartial, and favours nothing."
Subaru looked at Rui with sudden skepticism as he noticed her unusual behaviour. Interestingly enough, ever since he arrived her, she's been answering his questions non-stop, without hesitation nor any attempt at creating falsehoods. And given that the information she spoke of aligned with parts of what he already knew, he can deduce that every Rui said before was true.
And so, he inhaled and took a gamble.
"The one, to steal my memories of everything till yesterday... is it you?"
"Yeah, so?"
A nonchalant response was perhaps both expected and unexpected. Mysteriously, what was welling up in his chest was not rage, but understanding.
"So the me of yesterday, did indeed come here as well, huh."
"Speaking strictly, the way of arrival was a bit different, you see. But we~ll, the purpose was the same. The result was slightly different, that's all. But, how amazing. How wonderful. After how many times, did you manage to come here?"
"..."
"Hey, answer, onii-san. We answered, you know. ーーAfter having gotten eaten by us, what count of onii-san are you, onii-san?"
Rui's words sent a chill down Subaru's spine. Her eyes, questions, were clearly in vein of one aware of the conviction of Return by Death.
No, it was a matter of course. It was but a matter of course. If she had stolen the memories of 'Natsuki Subaru', and had the ability to freely read those memories, then there was nothing odd about her knowing of Return by Death. Return by Death, was not a power wielded only by the Subaru who had lost his memories, but must have unquestionably been the power which 'Natsuki Subaru' wielded prior to losing his memories.
Certainly, 'Natsuki Subaru' had made free use of that power, and sailed across a great number of difficult situations. The result of that was the trust he gained from Emilia, Beatrice, his comrades, the testimony of cheat = foul as it were. Subaru did not intend to find faults in that. Whether it be cheating or foul play, if in a setting where someone's life was on the line, there mustn't be any hesitation in utilizing it. The choice 'Natsuki Subaru' made was correct. That is why, Subaru must do the same now, when 'Natsuki Subaru' was absent.
And, accepting there being worth in its application, he gulped down the power of Return by Death. However, contrary to that resolve, there existed a queer uneasiness, anxiety, in the interior of Subaru's chest. Rui Arneb was infringing upon that difficult to repel fear, that taboo.
"Oya... are you pondering about how nobody must get to know? If it's about that, then it's already too late, onii-san. Us meeting onii-san happened yesterday, no? The Rule about how nobody must get to know, has already been broken way long time back. But, happenings of the Hall of Memories don't leak outside easily. That's why the scary, scary Witch won't make a move." With that, Rui stuck out her tongue and formed a bewitching smile. "So, tell us, onii-san. What count is it?"
With great difficulty, Subaru muttered: "I-It's the third."
"ーー~tsu! Amazing, how amazing, so amazing, it's amazing, isn't it amazing, we're telling you it's amazing, because it is amazing, because it is amazing that we admire and yearn for it...... gluttonous drinking ~tsu! Gluttony ~tsu!"
"Gah ~hk!" Subaru cringed at Rui's behaviour, and tried to move away, but Rui held onto him.
"We irresistibly want to taste onii-san so much, that our stomach would be filled to bursting! From our experiences, we think appetite and sexual desire are similar. Sexual desire in other words is love, right? In other words, onii-san, weー"
As the loops of information flowed back into Subaru, all the disgust he had experienced ever since he set foot in this realm, as well as Rui's constant attitude that simply pissed him off all converged into one, his anger exploded. Even as Rui continued, he couldn't hear what she said before immediately seizing her by the throat and pinned her down to the white floor.
"You little-!"
"Urk-!"
"Did you, let your guard down? How unfortunate! In this position, I have an overwhelming advantage! If you don't want to get your neck strangled like this, my memories are to be......"
"Returned, you say? You'll strangle the neck if they're not returned? Our neck, a feeble little girl's?"
With her neck arrested, in the state of having gotten the right over her life and death seized, Rui gazed at Subaru, who was breathing roughly through his nose, and loosened her lips with the earlier excitement in her eyes not dimmed in the slightest. And, from her loosened lips, she asked with an imitative voice which felt as if it were a curse.
"Is onii-san, really going to do something like that?"
"Do you think, I can't?"
"Not really think, we actually know, isn't it. After all, look, it's such that the current us know more about onii-san than onii-san himself anyway."
Whilst saying so, Rui repeatedly nudged her cheeks with the index fingers of both her hands, and tilted her head as if provoking. Holding his breath at that attitude of hers, Subaru looked down onto his right hand which had grasped Rui's neck.
Should Subaru want to show his seriousness a bit, all he had to do was to pour strength into his arm. Should he show his seriousness, Rui would certainly reconsider her ideas as well. Were he to be asked whether he would kill her, that would certainly be difficult. Arduous. Even for a just cause, like being a suicide assistant, Subaru was unable to smash consciousness out of his comrade's mind with a piece of rubble. So even if he knew it was an enemy of his, powerfully strangling the neck of the young girl before his eyes was...
No, at least strangling he was capable of. It was a necessity. Hesitation set in again.
He called back to Emilia, Beatrice, Ram, Meili, Julius, Echidna, Shaula, Patrasche, everyone in his mind, and, and...
"Strength has faded away from your arms, hasn't it, onii-san."
"..." Natsuki Subaru remained silent, unsure of what to say as sweat streamed down his face. His arms were powerless as the grip on Rui's throat loosened, and his eyes still struggled to comprehend his inconsistency in thought.
"We really had no intention of resisting, you know? After all, over here we are just as how it seems or a weak young girl. Unlike onii-chan or nii-sama, we must take the form of eaten people or we can't haul out any powers, isn't it."
With the finger that had been nudging her own cheek, Rui nudged Subaru's right hand which was gripping to Rui's neck. With that frail strength, Subaru's palm let go of her neck far too swiftly.
"Shit...... ~hk!"
"Don't feel down anymore, onii-san. It was a good performance, a good performance. After all, to be honest...... it's such that we didn't even think that onii-san would come back here."
"Do you think, that's any good consolation?"
Continuing to remain in the pushed down stance, Rui, who was lying sprawled on the floor, made an expression suggesting already being over with the worst. Destroying that expression, he searched for words in order to convey his demands, but was unable to find anything precise.
That is why, looking at Subaru, who ended up making an utterance like that of a poor loser, Rui raised her voice and went "Ahaha" similar to observing fish swimming inside an aquarium.
"But we~ll, it turned out nicely, did it not. If something like the memories of 'Natsuki Subaru' are regained, the current onii-san will end up dying is what that means anyway, stay without doing something idiotic like committing suicide, you know."
"......Ah?"
"Huh, what's with that weird reaction? It can't be, did you not notice? If memories return, the current self will get overwritten, and its existence will get terminated...... That's, the same as dying, no?"
Subaru was petrified at that attitude of Rui's, as if she were asked the solution to an obvious riddle. He shall die. He shall disappear, vanish. So was he distinctly told. So he was told, upon the return of the memories of 'Natsuki Subaru', the consciousness, the memories of the Subaru present right here right now shall get overwritten, and will disappear, vanish. Should that not be named as Death, what else should it be...
"ーーRight now, 'Natsuki Subaru' is dead, isn't it. He's nowhere, after all. But, if 'Natsuki Subaru' comes back, this time it'll be onii-san who will die, isn't it. He won't be able to go anywhere, after all."
"..."
"Um you kno~w, does 'Natsuki Subaru' really have the worth to go so far for and be recovered eh? Onii-san must also be capable of doing the same things, no? Onii-san must have also come to love the people around him in the same way, isn't that right. The people around too will also come to love onii-san the sa~me way. ーーWhat's so wrong with that?"
"What's......"
So wrong with that, should that be asked, then certainly there was nothing wrong with it.
Certainly there was nothing wrong with either 'Natsuki Subaru' or Natsuki Subaru. Subaru was a human possessing numerous flaws. Filled with flaws such that he would be repulsed by himself. Should he be asked whom he hated the most in this world, he would answer it was himself with not an instant's worth of faltering. That was how hopeless, insufficient Natsuki Subaru was. However, there present were no errs in Subaru pertaining to this particular question.
What was present was merely the hopeless truth, a single spot of sunshine.
"To Emilia-chan and the others, I......"
Subaru knew deep down, he wanted to return 'Natsuki Subaru' back. That is why, he intended to prepare resolve within himself that should he find a chance to recover memories, he shall take it without any hesitation.
However, he had completely averted his eyes away from the disappearance of his own existence.
Speaking of sheer conveniences, the two memories blending together, or some part of 'Natsuki Subaru' being left within the current Subaru, he had thought if something like that could not happen, he had thought if it could all not be settled in a nice shape of some sort, he had expected the occurrence of a miracle of this kind. Subaru's such vacillating expectations were, well...
"What would it be like? Never seen a person who had their memories returned before, so we have no idea."
Rui unveiled her teeth, as though ridiculing Subaru's conflict, with the expression in her eyes being that of a cat tormenting a mouse. The offender who heisted these memories, even irresponsibly, was pleased to say that she knew nothing of what would happen thereafter. That was not a lie, but certainly the truth.
Rui Arneb, would never do something as to return what she had stolen away from others back to the original proprietor. That is why, she truly held no idea what would happen to Natsuki Subaru as a consequence of having the memories returned.
"Onii-san, you got this life by being born and everything, it won't do if you don't celebrate it."
That irresponsible usurper, continued to gaze intently at Subaru's face from an inch worth distance.
"As a result of us eating the memories of 'Natsuki Subaru' , onii-san is here. In other words we, are something like onii-san's birth parent, isn't that right. To try and choose the option of having yourself die in front of that parent, isn't that what's called lack of filial piety, onii-san."
"Something so, absurd is...... ~hk."
"Memories are what shape people, onii-san."
"..."
Becoming deeper, becoming colder, Rui erased all expression and said only those brief words with a serious tone. Without thinking, Subaru inhaled at the acuity of those words, and quietened. Alongside, he also felt that this had not been the first time he heard those words. If not mistaken, then that resonance, those words, immediately before facing the second Death as well had been...
"The present onii-san, has relationships which the present onii-san has created. Why don't you try living again anew, facing forward. We think that's also an option, you know. On top of that, don't know how we should feel saying this but......'Natsuki Subaru', didn't really feel like the image of an ideal man you know?"
Closing one of her eyes, Rui smited the emotions of Subaru's heart with an expression as if finding what she was going to say to be difficult. All the more, she linked her arms in front of her chest while remaining in the stance of Subaru riding a horseback atop her, and gazed into his dark pupils with eyes like that of a dreaming maidenー
"Pitiable Emilia! A miserable girl who is avoided by everyone, just because of having her birth being the same as the former Witch! Ah, how kind must my self be, to still remain by her side!"
"Wha......"
"Weak, fragile Beatrice! Without anyone to rely on, a lonely girl who spent a time of solitude all by herself! My self must pull her hand through the dark and dangerous path!"
Before the staggered Subaru, what Rui sonorously continued articulating were the names of two young girls who prayed for Subaru's safety and showed him a path, and terribly elliptical mental images of them. Even Subaru understood whose mental images they were, and what Rui intended to express. Though he understood, that was.
"Devoted and seeks to dedicate gratuitous love, Rem! Foolish and beautiful, how pure. Surely she is an incomplete being who gains the true feeling of living by becoming frantic for the sake of someone else, other than herself. Precisely that, must be led by the existence known as I!"
"What're you...... what're you trying to do!?"
"Speaking for what 'Natsuki Subaru' used to think, we're telling you. Wanting a sense of superiority. Not thinking it was for the sake of someone else all of the time, you know. Flocking only convenient people around, getting drunk on the pleasant feeling of offering a hand. Not even throwing any feed to a dog which won't get emotionally attached. Keeping those away."
"..."
"Do you really intend to hand yourself over, to that 'Natsuki Subaru'?"
The question, having overlapped twice. That was a requisition of confession for Natsuki Subaru, by Rui Arneb, by the Sin Archbishop Gluttony.
To speak his true feelings, that is what Rui demanded of Subaru. Whether he did want to die, whether he did not want to die, if he, for the argument's sake were to die, whether would it be for the sake of someone like that.
No. Subaru's death, would not be for the sake of『Natsuki Subaru』.
No. From the very beginning, Subaru did not have the intent to die. Even if he thought of returning 'Natsuki Subaru' back to Emilia and the others, for it to mean his own death...
No, could he however, truly trust 'Natsuki Subaru'? Disregarding Rui's words, could he entrust the future of his friends and comrades to the former Natsuki Subaru? Would that Natsuki Subaru still be able to cheat his way through the hardships that constantly assailed his companions?
"ーーWe~ll, what do you want to do, onii-san."
"ーー~hk."
Whilst saying so, Rui grasped Subaru's hands with her slender arms, and fastened them to her own neck. Once again, though this time through her own incitement, Rui's slim neck lay vulnerable to Subaru's arms. Should he pour strength in both of his arms, it will surely fracture easily.
If not, the conclusion will get established. However, to not do that meant either choosing to kill 'Natsuki Subaru', or the same happening to himself. ーーAt the very least, that was what Rui was saying. For the argument's sake, for just the argument's sake if he broke this slim neck, and if 'Natsuki Subaru' was to return and the present Subaru was to disappear, would he not be able to witness even the fruits of his actions. If that's the case, then what was the meaning of Subaru mustering up meagre courage and undertaking action here.
"We~ll."
"..."
"So? What will you do? What is it that you'll do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do, huh? What do you want to do? What do you want to do it like? Whatever you do, it's alright you know? Whatever it ends up, as we'll forgive youー"
As though tormenting him, as though ridiculing him, as though laying a curse upon him, Rui's words struck Subaru's eardrums. So did Rui Arneb, so did 'Gluttony', so did the Sin Archbishop, so did the slim young girl, so did the abominable existence, so did his birth parent.
The choice of what he shall do with 'Natsuki Subaru', drew near Natsuki Subaru.
"We~ll." The smile that dominated the blank realm, offered up again, that single spot of sunshine. "What do you want to do? Onii-san."
***********************************************************************************************
Y/N POV
"Ugh... where the hell am I?"
A vast expanse of pure darkness covered me. From not just head to toe, but my environment as well. The never-ending, creeping darkness that devoured everything: sound, light, and even existence itself. A chill was sent down from my brain down to my toes as I felt and smelled my own fear radiating off my body, and my senses were heightened in a response to potential danger.
"What... is this place?"
I took one step, and another, slowly but surely. The ground squished akin to mud, but touching it left no blemishes on my clothing nor my hands. The black mass that covered the ground and the sky didn't feel real, yet it was nothing short of reality.
"Dammit... Cahya! Light the place up-"
I waited for my dear Great Spirit of Yang to pop up on my right shoulder, but the little fairy seemed to make no attempt in showing up. And that's when I realized something was definitely not right.
"Bayanga? Alchemis? Valgren?" I frantically tried to summon them, but my companions didn't appear despite me activating several magic circles. In a last ditch attempt, I clutched my black obsidian pendant and tried calling for my contractor.
Chid-chan? Chid-chan? Come on, this isn't funny...
This isn't... funny...
As my final efforts failed, the black expanse around me suddenly made a squishing sound as the surroundings shifted to a brighter hue of dark green, before somebody I never expected to show up in front of me appeared in the distance.
No...
No... this has to be a joke, right?
I tried one last attempt at calling something, and this time, something responded: my Witch Factors. My Imperceptible Extensions protruded out of my back, their hands outstretched, ready to defend me. All four others also were ready to be activated, while I felt my Gate hum as Od Laguna's flow was unblocked, but no sign of my spirits emerged.
Even with all those abilities ready, my confidence in winning against the entity in front of me was 0 percent. Utterly. 0. Percent.
The Witch of Envy drew near.
Unlike the other foes I've faced, be it bandits, Knights, mercenaries, the Sin Archbishops, or even Reid Astrea... there was a potential chance at defeating them. But against beings such as Reinhard, whose cheats are never-ending, there is no chance for a mere mortal like me to win.
The same can be said for Satella- no. The Witch of Envy. Unlike Reinhard (who could actually suffer severe damage should Kago Shometsu cut off his connection with Od Laguna at a precise timing), however, her abilities are mainly a mystery. Aside from conditioned time manipulation and also shadow manipulation on a gargantuan scale, I have no idea what she has hidden up her sleeve.
And why is she here, anyways? Why did she bring me into her Castle of Shadows, when she...
No... is it perhaps...?
You...
Her chilling voice sounded across the realm. It was omnidirectional, and the shadow play didn't exactly help with comfortability. Soon enough, she was mere meters away from me, but stopped in her tracks.
There you are... you sinner...
"What do you mean, sinner?! Do you want to square up and fight, huh?"
HOW discourteous... you... DARE?!
"Hell yeah, I dare! Send me back right this instant! I didn't do nothing to piss you off! If I don't go back, they're going to be in danger! Perhaps, even Subaru might be in-"
Ahhh Y/N What the hell are you saying didn't we just say we shouldn't-
SILENCE.
A cold wave of air flew over me before I realized the Imperceptible Extensions have been extinguished. Or more precisely, they were absorbed by her shadows.
You have no right to utter his name.
I gulped. Now that one of my Authorities have been simply rendered useless, any shreds of confidence that I planned to gather have now been dispersed into the wind.
I gave you the right to see his suffering... since you knew. You KNEW, what was going to happen. And you wanted to help. So I allowed it. And what did you do with it? You let it go to waste. YOU LET HIM DIE, AGAIN, AND AGAIN. And the number was by NO MEANS SMALL.
"But I clearly reduced the loops! In all of the scenarios, Subaru never had to suffer as cruel fates if I hadn't been there! I did my best, you know! I-"
YOU LIE.
"What do you mean, I lie? Have you tried how hard it is, to save someone who's destined for so many deaths?! To save all those lives who would've been plunged into despair?! You have no idea, how hard-"
YES. Perhaps I have no idea. But you did. You could've done so much more. So why did you only do SO LITTLE?!
"If you're complaining, why didn't you just not give him the ability to begin with? What did you think was going to happen, huh? Death was practically essential-"
ESSENTIAL?!!! ESSENTIAL, YOU SAY?!
"Of course! It's literally called Return by-"
Before I could finish my sentence, a vomiting feeling hit me. Memories that didn't belong to me started to flow through my head, along with all the pain, all the sadness, all the guilt, all of the sadness, all of the anguish, all of the depression, all of...
ALL OF IT.
EVERYTHING.
RAW.
UNFILTERED.
STRAIGHT INTO THE NERVES. THE BRAIN. THE CORTEXES. MY EXISTENCE.
YOU COULD'VE GONE TO FIND HIM.
As the first loop played, I saw Subaru getting gutted by Elsa in the loot house. A stab wound and appeared on my abdomen as blood gushed out, and I hurried to patch it up, only to realize that it wasn't there. The pain came next. I clutched my stomach as I tried to force regeneration on that non-existent wound, but the pain kept coming, kept rushing into my head.
"It was necessary! He had to understand, how to utilize his powers and all, you know? It-"
I tried to explain, but the Witch paid no heed to my words as the next loop's memory shoved itself into me. This time, a knife was left in my chest, and the pain that just faded came back, piercing my existence while my defenceless soul took the hit.
YOU COULD'VE GONE OVER TO SAVE HIM.
"That one was different! I didn't have time-"
The next one hit me. Although this time was quick, the blood bursted from my head as I clutched my skull in pain, letting out a howl of pain- yes. A howl of pain. I haven't felt true pain in so long, it's... horrifying, honestly.
YOU COULD'VE GONE TO HIM. YOU COULD HAVE STAYED TOGETHER.
Another flash. I hear the sound of chains. And next, the pain came like a blade of wind, mercilessly cleaving my head off... yet it was still there.
"Agh! I, I- ugh...my head, it..."
Another memory came into mind. My Gate suddenly started fluctuating weirdly, and a sickening feeling akin to poisoning flooded my mana circuits, infecting them as I experienced excruciating pain before falling to the floor.
YOU COULD'VE GONE WITH HIM TO THE VILLAGE AND PREVENTED HIM FROM TOUCHING THAT BEAST. INSTEAD, YOU CHOSE TO EXPLORE THE MANSION.
"I didn't know he was already on that loop! He-"
Again, before I could interject, the next memory flooded in.
I found my body frozen, with Rem in my arms as she also froze into a block of ice. My tears stopped on my cheeks as my head was blown off by the wind, despair frozen onto my face as I watched the Beast of the End unleash its power as Emilia passed.
YOU COULD'VE GONE OUT THERE TO TRY AND WARM THEM UP. INSTEAD, YOU CHOSE TO HIDE IN THE DOME AND WAIT FOR HIM TO SLOWLY DIE.
"I, I... I wasn't that powerful back then! I-"
Next thing I knew, my mouth was shut as a tendril of shadow covered it, binding me to the floor as more and more memories flooded through.
YOU COULD'VE GONE WITH HIM TO DEFEAT THE SIN ARCHBISHOP OF SLOTH.
YOU COULD'VE SAVED HIM FROM THAT TIGER.
YOU COULD'VE SAVED HIM FROM THE RABBITS.
YOU COULD'VE HELPED HIM WIN THE BET.
YOU COULD'VE LET THE SWORD SAINT DEAL WITH THAT BANDAGE WOMAN BEFORE SHE APPEARED.
YOU COULD'VE PREPARED FOR THAT ENTIRE FIGHT.
YOU COULD'VE BLOCKED THE LASER FOR HIM.
YOU COULD'VE PREVENTED HIM FROM REACHING THAT GIRL.
YOU COULD'VE PREVENTED HIS LOOPING IN THE TOWER.
YOU COULD'VE HELPED-
YOU COULD'VE SAVED-
YOU COULD'VE-
YOU COULD'VE-
YOU-
YOU. YOU COULD'VE DONE SO MUCH MORE. SO WHY DIDN'T YOU!?
You call yourself the 'Liberator'. Yet you couldn't liberate the one person who suffered the most pain.
I gave you a chance. But you wasted it, and so I took it back. Instead of trying harder, you walked away from the problem, and become much more accepting to his deaths. You used his loops and deaths as a means to an end, so your goals can be fulfilled easier.
You heartless monster. In actuality, you're no better than us. So why do you insist that you are his friend, hm? ANSWER ME!
I listened to the tirade of shouts that came from the Witch of Envy as I remained tied to the floor, with the memories still circulating through my brain, the pain coursing through my nerves. To her endless questions that pierced me like endless bullets, I had no answer.
I knew it hurt. I knew it must've hurt, a lot. Perhaps much more than I ever imagined, but... not this much.
And it still hurts.
But...
We all just wanted a better future for everyone...
... did we not?
***********************************************************************************************
A choice, that too of a cruel one, was eating into Natsuki Subaru.
He heard the sound of something being abandoned and scorched away within the interior of his chest with a sizzling report, slowly and steadily. That was his human nature, his emotion of trusting himself, his sentiments for 'Natsuki Subaru', various entities of such kind, were being abandoned and scorched away.
"We~ll, what'll you do, onii-san."
The young girl which had been pinned down by him, laughed sadistically and looked up at Subaru, petrified, having lost his way in the choice. Whilst peeping into Subaru's dark eyes, the young girl flickered her tongue in order to lick those eyeballs.
"Pinning down a feeble young girl, and placing your hands on that thin neck. Gets you shivering with thrill, no? Or perhaps instead, if it's a predisposition like that of onii-san's, such experiences become commonplace, is that right?"
"-hk."
"You're trembling, so cute. In this state, will you be able to make such an important, important choice?"
This current predicament suddenly triggered an unknown memory. Memory that wasn't even Subaru's own. He knew, because the information was flowing from words on a book. A very similar predicament to now, and he was doing the same, to a blue-haired girl instead. However, he was sure he had never done that in the previous counts, so its not possible...
Is this... Y/N's memory? Of him?
"Ugh."
The puking feeling returned, and Subaru pushed that thought away.
"Huh. Interes~ting reaction, onii-san. Perhaps, remembering something from him?"
"Nons ~hk! Nonse..."
"We're no~t speaking nonsense, you know. Instead, the one not being serious is onii-san, no? With more seriousness, earnestness, solemnity, you should love yourself."
"..."
"A~h, yes yes. Love yourself. See, loveーsimilar to how the people onii-san wants to cherish hope for that, onii-san should also love himself, you know."
With a superficial verbal tone, and words fitting identical description, a cosmetic wave of words was formed. Did she intend to persuade him, or instead, was her faculty of sympathizing simply dead. Was this purposeful or was it simply her nature, was she jeering at him or was she consoling him. It was vague. Rui Arneb's way, was vague with regards to everything.
Vague, vague it was. Rui's words, her words were unsteady from the foundation, like leaves unstably afloat water's surface. All of them of arbitrary nature, bent and distorted, if they preferably came to a clear disposition, then this indecision itself would surely be cleared up as well. No, just how hazardous would it be, to consider keeping her words as the premise from the very beginning.
"Do you have the proof...... that everything should be done the way you say, and everything will happen the way you say."
"Proof?"
"Do you have the proof, that if I regain 'Natsuki Subaru', the me present right now would disappear......!"
"We don't. We don't you know. It seems we don't. As we don't. We don't we're telling you. We don't though. Even though it seems we don't. It seems we don't as we're telling you. Even though it means we don't you know...... Will that, give you any solace?"
Subaru was taken aback. For the first time, Rui Arneb's words brought him to a complete loss.
"It's just going around in circles, onii-san. Even we can't speak of what we don't know. If we or onii-chan, nii-sama die, then will what was eaten come back, we wonder. To be honest, never returned something which we ate so we do~n't actually kno~w. After all, we've eaten it up, you know."
Saying ah, Rui opened her mouth, arraying her frightfully sharp cuspids and scarlet tongue, showing until the interior of her throat to Subaru, appealing a certain zilch. Others' memories, the memories of someone within others, if heisting things of such kind was to be taken under the name of 'Eating', it was impossible for physical vestiges to remain there. However, Subaru felt the words "Eaten it up" to be terribly weighty.
"What will you do, onii-san."
Once again, Rui questioned Subaru. In the interval between the questions and answers, Subaru's hands remained on Rui's neck. Unable to pour strength, or otherwise, completely withdraw his hands, Subaru continued to cast aside the question regarding his own existence.
"Gh, kh...... ~hk."
Dying, was frightening. Terrifyingly so. However, that was a fear differing from what Subaru had tasted by 'Return by Death' two times till now. The proposition pressing down Subaru's soul right here and now, was the death comparing and contrasting the choices regarding 'Forfeiting Oneself'.
By nature, that was how what was labelled as 'Death' was supposed to be. Upon dying, the consciousness of that existence was lost, and something like an opportunity to redo was never granted. That was why, Subaru, who continued to take advantage of having opportunities to redo upon making blunders, may not have any right to complain. To simply be given the choice to disappear or to not disappear, and having the time to be troubled over it may itself be a luxury.
But, it was his own life. He must choose whether he would blow that flame out or not by himself, Subaru's heart, who had been interposed in such a situation, developed a crack by each passing second.
Subaru had already died many times in this different world. All of them, affairs within a short time frame. Thrown into a world he was unacquainted with, meeting people he never would have met, and an instant later having to suffer circumstances difficult to avoid, chased Subaru into death. The time he spent when he was in a conscious state, when totalled, would not even fit into two days.
It was a short, short time. However, Natsuki Subaru also had the time of seventeen years he had lived in the world he was previously in aside from the two days of this different world.
He had a father. He had a mother. Friends too, though scarce, his relationship with them was a delicate matter and it was uncertain whether he could call them friends, but he had people whom he would at least exchange greetings with. Upon glancing back onto the past, in elementary and middle schools he had people whom he got along with, and he was also acquainted with many who resided in his neighbourhood. Though, it did not go well. Subaru, was incompetent at life. However, in vain of not going well, there had been a time of trial and error, though he had never been in a setting where his life was on the line, Subaru still intended to struggle upon his own stage.
Was he going to abdicate, these various times, and accumulated memories.
Should 'Natsuki Subaru' return, the fact that they existed would not disappear. However, his current self, who certainly thought of those times, shall disappear. Exchanging promises with Ram, etching Echidna's forgiveness upon his heart, aggressively imploring Julius to fight, affectionately trusting Beatrice, and Emiliaー
ーHis self, who fell in love with Emilia, was he truly going to disappear.
"No......"
That realisation, made the flesh body of Subaru present here on this spot develop cracks, this not being a metaphorical expression. Crevices emerging on his cheek, fissures like a spider's web emerged on both of his hands which were on Rui's throat as well. He felt no pain. Neither did he bleed from those crevices. Mysteriously, present within the crevices was darkness. Not the sort possessing flesh or bones, unnatural, unending darkness.
It was in accordance with what he had conjectured, he had not carried over his flesh body of reality. The body of the Subaru present here was not real. And since it was not real, the current sentiments of his heart directly manifesting, Subaru's body developed fissures, and was shattering.
The crevices expanded, the surface came unstuck and fell. That was certainly, the body of deceit called 'Natsuki Subaru' which Natsuki Subaru had been wearing. Alongside that which detached and fell in large drops, even his bluff came unstuck and fell.
"No, no, no...... no...... ~hk."
"That's right. It's natural, you know."
Shaking his head in refusal, he denied the fear of the death awaiting himーー no, the fear of forfeiting. Why, must he vanish. His self, who had just recognised that he was in love with the person he loved.
"No......"
"Hm hm. We get it. We quite do get it. As we get it. We do indeed get it."
"No, I refuse...... ~hk."
"It's onii-san's life, after all. Why must you surrender it to others, you know."
"I, everyone...... more, with everyone......"
Want to stay longer with everyone.
He was in love. He had fallen in love. Even though in the time which would not even amount to a total of two days, he had been engulfed in doubting them, thinking of killing them, thinking of running away from them, and being suspected by them. Subaru, had fallen in love with them. Right now, he thought lovingly of them.
If he were to stay with them, if they would cherish Subaru, then he might even grow to love himself, whom he utterly loathed. That, was what he thought. Facing forward, that was what he thought.
Even though in Subaru's life, of always facing backward, this was, at long last, a scintillating spot of sunshine. Why must he relinquish it. That was something he...
"......I refuse."
"That's right. That's how it is. ーーThen, what do you think you should do?"
"......I, just as myself."
"Yes, onii-san will be, just as onii-san. That is correct. It got plundered once. It's a game of musical chairs. The guy sitting on the vacant seat, is the king, you know."
"..."
"The opponent who got pushed away, must exit. You have to recognise. Your own existence. You have to shout loudly, that you are real! Hey, isn't that so!"
Directly below him, at a distance such that their breaths intertwined, widening her eyes illumine blazingly, Rui roared. With vigour like that of snarlingー no, as a matter of fact, she gnawed Subaru's wrists which were on her neck, etching admonition and a striking pain upon Subaru.
Staring at the wavering dark eyes, Rui Arneb shouted.
"Recognize! 'Natsuki Subaru' is, the closest person to onii-san ~tsu!"
The howl called for him, telling him to establish oneself. Telling him to stop doing something so foolish as dying for the sake of someone. Why, must there be a need for him to sacrifice himself for the sake of someone or the other.
That too, for the sake of having his self who wasn't himself, who named his self as him, meet the people he loved, whom he won't be able to meet anymore.
All for the sake of him ceding the time he had spent with them, the priceless days difficult to ever obtain. As if he would allow himself to do, something so foolish.
"Well the~n, kill him! Let's kill him! Let's go ahead and kill him! You have to kill him! Do kill him! If you kill him! Let's end up killing him! Just kill him! End up killing him! If you can only kill him! If you kill and crush him!"
"'Natsuki Subaru'will......"
"Onii-san is this universe's one and only, not a substitute article for anyone, Natsuki Subaru!"
"~hk."
This universe's one and only, not a replacement for anyone, Natsuki Subaru. Holding hands with Beatrice, striking persiflage with Ram, being astonished by Shaula's frankness, exchanging smiles with Echidna through frivolous conversations, entrusting his back to Julius, receiving Patrasche's gratis love, attaining the right to live, with Emilia. If the one who possesses those was 'Natsuki Subaru', then by Subaru's hands, that man shall...
"..."
Tears building up, his field of vision was blurred by the sentiments welling up within of him.
His mind had a direct impact on his flesh body. The beating of his heart, his breathing through aching lungs, he could unmistakably feel them vividly right now. However, what he could feel the greatest right now, were his irresistible tears wielding no answer.
Whether that was rage or grief, envy or jealousy, guilt or fear. Just, what was the cause of this violent emotion, Subaru did not know whatsoever. There was lots he did not know. However, with his field of vision fogged by those tears, Subaru looked.
Someone, was overlooking Subaru and Rui. Staring at the teary eyed pathetic Subaru, who had pinned Rui down and had his hands on her neck. Whom that could have been, within what all Subaru's mind could grasp, it could have been only one person.
"......Did you, appear because you got scared of me, 'Natsuki Subaru'."
The blurry shadow of a person said nothing. Standing on the white floor, the white world behind its back, the form veiled in gaze of white, was watching Subaru. Subaru, with his face soggy, informed the existence who had panicked and abruptly appeared forth.
"I will...... I will, not disappear. I don't want to die. That's why, I......"
"Want to stay together with everyone. I love everyone. That's why, I am......"
"That's why, I am......"
As though an excuse, his complaints stockpiled. Same as when he had put his hands on Rui's throat. Subaru had concluded, that he didn't want himself to disappear. That's why, what he did now was conveying that to the shadow of a person which had appeared. That also meant that he would, with certainty, kill the opponent before of his eyes, who possessed an identical visage as himself.
After all, he is... no. 'Natsuki Subaru' is, the closest person to him. That is why, Subaru must be in possession of that right.
Natsuki Subaru, shall kill 'Natsuki Subaru', and the single spot of sunshine shall beー
"That's why, I am, not you! You and I are......"
Different, he tried to convey that clearly, and sever the possibility. That had been the moment, he had tried to do so.
"......Who, are you talking to, onii-san."
Dumbfounded, eyes dilated, Rui questioned with an expression as if her conversation had been stalled. She inclined her neck and glared in the same direction as Subaru, and tried to look at that shadow of a person. However, she knitted her eyebrows in doubt and grimaced, and as her sharp canines quivered,
"Nobody, nobody's there, but still, who are you talking to, onii-san."
With her fangs rattling and trembling, Rui whispered so with an expression of disbelief. In refusal, she erased her expression until then, and made a face like that of being frightened by something,
"This is, our place...... no hindrances are supposed to get in, and yet. In this place, talking to someone aside from us...... just stop. Onii-san is our, our...... ~tsu!"
Rui's words, they clung onto him, however Subaru's awareness did not move a bit. Subaru's awareness, had focused all concentration on the yet present shadow of a person in his field of vision, not having vanished. His field of vision blurred with tears, the wavering shadow of a person, its contour and features became ever so slightly clear.
Who was it, he had no idea whatsoever. That shadow of a person whose contour and features gradually got clearer, to Subaru seemed as though it was smiling. Shaking his head, blinking with strength, he tried to look at that diminutive smile with further clarityー
"Why, are you trying to choose only one of the two?"
A question, was raised towards him. With a voice he had never heard before, with the voice of someone, who was not supposed to be here.
Whom he had never seen smilingーa young girl of blue hair, had been standing there, smiling.
That smiling young girl, whilst continuing to smile, towards Subaru who had sunk in silence saidー
"Stand Up!!"
Her commencing words.
The young girl, with the utmost relentless voice in the world, shouted at Natsuki Subaru.
***********************************************************************************************
"Stand up!!"
The voice, vanquished the cracking Natsuki Subaru, scourged him, and knocked him down.
Without mercy, without hesitation, the bellow shattered Natsuki Subaru, and accelerated his cracking. As if, talons artlessly stabbing into his naked heart.
"Stand up!"
The young girl of blue hair, raised her voice facing Subaru. Glaring at Subaru, the young girl, with a loud voice, howled. Howled. She was howling. At Natsuki Subaru, who remained on his knees, who had pinned a young girl down, and had fissures emerge on his dumbfounded face.
"Stand up!!"
Her bellow, repeated. Limitlessly and endlessly, callously and inconsiderately, it knocked Subaru's heart down.
Why, must such words strike him.
It was painful. It was hurtful. It was excruciating. It was sorrowful. His heart, even now, was on the verge of shattering. Never in his life, had he been struck with such agonizing decisions from one to the next without even having prepared his heart beforehand. He had somehow stopped lamenting that crisis. That was why, at the very least, he had arrived at a conclusion. That is why, was it not just fine anymore.
"Stand up!"
The young girl before his eyes, by no means approved of the complaints, the obstinate conclusion, the heart afraid to forfeit, making Subaru's heart cower. Laded with a resolute purpose of rejection, she piled up the potent words. He had made the decision. Could she not just affirm it. At the very least, show being troubled over it. It was alright, was it not. He had been troubled sufficiently. Yet, the young girl went so far, all for the sake of having Subaru be.
"Stand upーー!"
As his heart continued to shatter to fragments, she did not pardon Subaru, who had made the decision.
"Stand upーー!"
Was she, still going to say that. Why, was this young girl, this voice. Despite it being so hurtful, so excruciating.
"Stand...! Stand! Stand! Stand up!"
Just who, was this young girl. Just where in his reminiscences, was this young girl.
Never had he exchanged words with her. Even her reminiscences, were not present within the current Subaru. Who was she, what kind of a person was she, he had known merely her outward appearance. Their relationship was one such that he would not even bother giving up for her sake.
Yet, why, was his chest so warm. Why, was there a fever rising from the interior of his chest.
"Stand up, Natsuki Subaru! Stand up! Rem's hero!!"
The tearful voice of the young girl not present in his memories, shouted to be a hero by that voice, his heart trembled. Subaru's heart trembled, in such a good condition that he almost wanted to laugh, with the notion of something so absurd as that being possible.
The cracks, the fissures, continued to accelerate. That was, quite literally, the spectacle of Natsuki Subaru tearing apart the shell of 'Natsuki Subaru'. However, what slept within that shell, only faintly varied from what was there just previously.
No, if it were to truly change, it shall from now onward. Continuing to be wished to stand up, gnashing his teeth at his frightened heart, he stood up.
"If you've stood up, then please go. Go, and save, everything."
Just like how you saved me.
Everything, what does that mean. Everything, just what did it mean. A way of speaking far too absentminded. Just what, did everything even refer to.
"Everything is everything. Anything and everything. All, everyone, yourself, and the closest person to you as well!"
I know you can do it.
What's, that. As if something like that, is achievable. Does this girl, truly believe he was capable of that. His self, who lacked in much, who can't even save himself.
For the sake of the people Subaru fell in love with, for the sake of the people who cherished Subaru, for the sake of the people Subaru wished to cherish, for the sake of his reminiscences with the people he did not want to disappear. Does she truly believe that the Subaru, who had tried to let go of merely one, is also capable of it.
"You can do it. After all..."
Because I've bore witness.
After all.
After all, what.
Give me the strength, the answer. If you're going to give them, then give them through those words.
I pray that the blue young girl's... no, your words, give meー
"Because Subaru-kun is, Rem's hero."
".........!"
Something, fell in the interior of chest. That which had stagnated in black, as if had been purified by the echo of the young girl, seemingly a confession of love. No, not seemingly a confession of love. That had been, a confession of love.
Though once again, his reasons for not wanting to give back the place where he belongs to 'Natsuki Subaru' increased.
"Ah."
At the same time, what had increased was not just that. Purified by the words of the young girl, that which had stagnated in black gave rise to radiance and altered its very form. Unlike its previous hideous form, it altered itself to suit what Natsuki Subaru desired. Its owner's desires, forged through that young girl's belief. And, commenced pulsating from what was the strongest desire stemming from the core of Natsuki Subaru.
It pulsated. That which had lost anything and everything, and had been deserted by entirety.
Yet furthermore, wishing, desiring, wanting to fasten and secure everything, wanting to not lose anything at all from these hands, wanting to not let go of oneself, from oneself's own hands.
Concording with the cowardly Greed which implored so, it bloomed by becoming a power which granted this wish.
The Factor that was wandering and jolting, connected together with existence.
"Come, Cor Leonis."
Within Subaru, the seed of the Greed lost of destination budded. And, standing firm, his form wasー
Merely the diminutive smile of the young girl of blue hair, blessed that moment.
***********************************************************************************************
We all just wanted a better future for everyone...
... did we not?
The blames laid bare in front of Y/N in the Castle of Shadows, continuing to streak through his mind. He couldn't stop them. There was no way to stop them. And perhaps, at this point, there's no reason to stop them.
Was this retribution for his carefree attitude towards everything? Did he seriously not take things seriously enough? Indeed, as the Witch said, his knowledge of the future would've definitely allowed him to triumph every situation without fail. During the breaks between the arcs, he had indeed not developed an insanely thorough plan to avoid every single one of Subaru's deaths.
But Y/N simply thought it was good character development. After all, should he allowed not even a single death to occur, what would happen to Natsuki Subaru as a person? That kind of experience cannot be simply brought into existence - and even if it was possible, it was far beyond his realm of power.
But... did I truly did the right thing?
Those memories... those sharp jabs of pain... excruciating, hellish and unending pain...
If I had to endure those memories up until now, I'm not sure how I would've held up. I may be a semi-genius, but smart people are the easiest ones to lose themselves within the craze and despair. There lies only one thin line between genius and madness. As a scientist, the most important thing was to ensure you're on the correct side.
Y/N's thoughts wobbled back and forth, and the scales dangled. Sitting on that fence, he swayed back and forth, unbeknownst to himself.
It's shattering...
...that mental state of his.
No, no, no... I'm fine. I know that I've only been doing the right thing... well...
Is it perhaps NOT the right thing?
Have I always been wrong?
What if I approached the problem differently?
Was I too late to realize?
STOP overthinking things!
What if Subaru hated how I've conducted my aid?
What if my battalion actually disliked everything as well? Was it simply because of my mildly superior strength and charisma that kept everyone afloat and perhaps, silent?
Should I have...
Could I have...
Maybe if I...
Maybe...
Just, maybe...
What if-
Down.
Down, down, down.
Into the dark depths of one's own mind.
Doubts created by one's own brain...
...especially the ones of a genius...
...always...
...are the cause to those [greats]' downfall.
Into the chasm, where thy emerged.
DROWN IN YOUR WORTHLESSNESS, FALSE LIBERATOR WHO CANNOT EVEN PROTECT HIMSELF.
***********************************************************************************************
But what if she's right-
Shut. Up.
But you know it, you could've-
I said. Shut up.
You can't just ignore logic! You know full well-
SILENCE.
A hush fell over the voices in my head for a brief second, before the next one spoke up.
That's right! What we've done is great! No need to listen to that wicked thing! We were always right-
No. You shut up too.
HEY! I'm trying to help you here-
No. Nobody is ALWAYS right. As a 'genius', we should know that best. But... we face her words in our own way. We haven't done anything wrong. I, Y/N L/N, have done nothing wrong.
I am not her servant to begin with. She chose to give me an ability. I simply used it in a way I wished. I am not bound by contracts.
Subaru's life is his own to dictate. I have no say in it. How he chooses to live and die are ultimately, his choices. I can serve as a guidance... no. I SERVED as a guide. From now on, he's on his own. I trust him. I'm not supposed to be in Re:Zero in the first place, no? So from now on... the Liberator declares that his involvement is directed towards the betterment of the world, as it always has been.
Return by Death is Subaru's ability. As a visitor to this world, I will fulfill my duty, but I will not be the wall to shoulder everyone's burdens. He has already taken that path. He already awakened his Heart of the Lion.
I am Y/N L/N.
Liberator, Echidna's contractor, Warlock of Deceit, and...
A young girl's face flashes across my mind, and all doubts shatter.
...my genius sister's older brother.
For her, I have to return.
For my family, for my mentor, for my world, I cannot fall down here.
For everyone in this world...
...I have to Stand Up.
***********************************************************************************************
Castle of Shadows
What...? You...! How-
"You know, you were actually completely correct on that last one."
I smiled as I stood up, doubts now devoured by the chasm of my self, and faced the Witch of Envy's figure, my fear beings suppressed as I activated my Authority of Pride.
[Dominator's Domain Third Gear]
Return to me, Extensions. Your rightful owner is here.
From the surrounding shadows, the hands and arms reattached themselves to my back, and waved fiercely to defy its environment.
"You said that 'I should drown in my worthlessness, for I am a liberator who cannot even protect myself'. My... why is it so true? How could I call myself a Liberator if I can't even ensure my safety?"
In times of need, Heroes save those who scream their wishes to the sky.
However, who is there to protect the heroes?
I indeed have my friends, my comrades, and my allies.
But to overly rely on them is a mistake by myself.
In order to be strong for them, I need to be stronger.
After all, I am GREEDY like that, no?
So from now on, I will protect myself to the fullest.
To ensure everyone else's safety, mine comes first to further ensure theirs.
I first formed you out of my desire to protect everyone, back in Priestella...
Looking down at my body, I connected with the Witch Factor of Greed once more, pouring all of my desires into it.
...this time, show me your power to enact protection for your owner!
The black goo that was once Regulus Corneas's cowardly shield behind hundreds of innocents began to change, morphing into a bright yellow fluid that flowed forth, pulsating with more energy than the heavenly nectars could ever hope to bestow.
In front of me, a golden aegis began to materialize, shaping my will and desires into physical form.
Despite the thousands of shadow appendages that surrounded me and the visible fury of the Witch of Envy, the barrier stood strong, ready to contend against the incoming onslaught of the darkness.
[Prudence's Barrier, Fifth Shift:]
For myself... and everyone...
I will Stand Up.