The next few days went in the same amount of chaos if not more. As close as we were, Dokyeom and I had never spent so much time under a roof not doing anything other than discussing the same topic over and over again- and in a tense environment. Usually we'd go out for a walk, or in some undiscovered cafe. The jolly of this relationship was wearing away because of the constant tension because of the scandal.
About four days into the scandal I got a call from my company. I was being disciplined. In the best words I was being suspended, but it was being put in polite words out of respect for the post I held in my job. I wasn't allowed to work for god knows how long, maybe until the scandal settled? Maybe until they found a replacement, it wasn't as if the magazine lacked talented people.
"Sir I need you to understand this isn't fair, yes I was seen with them but I don't see why you need to put me on unspecified suspension. I have several projects coming up, I have articles and magazines to edit, please understand." I pleaded in the phone pacing around my bedroom running my hand through my hair. I was frustrated.
On the other end of the line, the voice on the phone remained stern and unyielding. "Hana, you need to understand the gravity of the situation. Our reputation is at stake, and until things settle down, we need to maintain a certain image. It's not a punishment; it's a precautionary measure."
"But I didn't do anything wrong! It's guilt by association," I argued, frustration evident in my voice.
"Hana, your association with Dokyeom and Mingyu is drawing unwanted attention. We need to distance ourselves until the situation calms down. This isn't a permanent decision, but for the time being, we need to be cautious."
I sighed, feeling the weight of the situation crushing down on me. "So, what am I supposed to do during this 'unspecified suspension'? Sit at home and watch my career crumble?"
"There are always ways to navigate these situations. Use this time to lay low, avoid unnecessary attention, and let the storm pass. We value your contributions, but we also need to protect the magazine," came the cold response.
After the call ended, I slumped onto the bed, feeling defeated. I couldn't help but think about how this scandal had infiltrated every aspect of my existence, leaving me suspended in uncertainty.
"Nothing?" Dokyeom asked as he watched me inside the bedroom and I shook my head in disappointment and plopped down on the bed as Dokyeom walked in.
"You know what? I was so stupid to tell you that you have to know two different lives." I said in a frustrated tone getting up from the bed and watching Dokyeom. "There is absolutely no line in between, fucking annoying. It feels as if everything is sand that's slipping out of my grip from my hand."
"I'm sorry, this is my fault" Dokyeom spoke in a dejected voice and my anger only increased rather than settling.
"How is this your fault? Me losing my job is not your fault, people not understanding something as love exists outside of dramas and books is not your fault" I addressed annoyed tossing my phone on the bed and holding my head in my hands.
"It's my fault because we knew what we were getting into, I knew! And still I went ahead with it, my job doesn't allow me luxuries like love Hana." He argued back and I scoffed.
"Now you're regretting loving me too? Love isn't a luxury, it's a need, it's like air. You're like air for me, why are you speaking as if you wish you would have never dated me." I retaliated, this time in a higher tone, rage pouring out through my eyes in the form of tears. If only I could get through an argument without tearing up.
"Hana, it is because I love you that I'm saying all this! I hate to see you in this scandal because of me. I'm telling you now Hana, I won't be able to say this ever again, but this is the perfect chance for you to let go of me, live a better life with someone else. " He shot back, this time he became teary too. It hurt me physically to see us like this.
"Why do you keep giving up on us?" I asked, my voice breaking as tears rolled down my face. "I keep telling you, I'm with you in this, that I'm by your side by whatever means. I just told you, that you're like air to me, I can't live without you. I can't even just exist without you. Why do you make me feel so disposable when something difficult is thrown at us? Why don't you fight it while holding my hand and keeping me by your side? Why!" I screamed the last part as I broke down and so did he.
Silence fell between us and I feared I had made him speechless, I wanted him to say something this time assuring me instead of me assuring him something.
"I'm scared. I am terrified! I lost my last relationship to this scrutiny, my job priorities won and my feelings for my last relationship lost. I'm like air for you? Hana, you are my everything. Letting you go will hurt me less than seeing you suffer in front of my eyes all because of me, why don't you get that? You think that I feel you're disposable? How could you even say that? I didn't fall in love with you because there wasn't anyone else or that there ever will be; but now that I've fallen in love with you, I will never love anyone else, ever. You have no idea how much it hurts to see you lose your life because of me." He sobbed as he spoke "You have no idea, how much it hurts" he murmured in broken voice.
Dokyeom's words cut through the air, heavy with the weight of his own fears and insecurities. I could see the turmoil in his eyes, a battle between his love for me and the fear of history repeating itself.
"Dokyeom," I whispered, reaching out to cup his face gently. "I know you're scared, and I am too. But giving up on us won't make that fear disappear. If anything, it'll haunt us forever. I'm not asking you to be fearless; I'm asking you to be brave with me."
He looked into my eyes, the vulnerability in his gaze echoing my own. "The point is, I don't want to see you lose anything because of me. I can't bear the thought of you sacrificing for us."
"I'm not sacrificing, Dokyeom. I'm choosing us," I affirmed, my voice steady. "Choosing to face whatever comes our way together. I don't want a life without you. Yes, it's scary, and yes, it's difficult. Even if I lose my job, I am talented and hardworking enough to find another one; but one of these days if I lose you, I am not strong enough to look for love in somebody else because I know I can't find another you. There is no other you. Because no matter how hard it is. No matter what people say. Every time, I'll choose you, but it's up to you to choose me back."
A heavy silence lingered, the unspoken tension filling the room. In the midst of our emotional exchange, Dokyeom, caught in the threads of his own fears, uttered words that cut through the air like a sharp blade.
"I can't promise that I won't hurt you unintentionally," he murmured, his voice laced with a mixture of guilt and resignation as he took a step back.
The weight of his words hit me like a punch to the gut. Hurt flashed across my face, a raw and unfiltered emotion.
He wasn't ready to fight for us?
"You just don't hear what I say; ever. You're not listening, you're never listening to what I say. I am done telling you over and over again, I've been assuring you about us but you've been doubting everything and there is nothing more I can do right now other than telling you please, just stand by me!" I spoke, infuriated at his lack of courage in the moment.
"Because this isn't as easy as it looks! It has already affected your career, it'll affect mine too, for the rest of our lives." he shouted back and then sighed.
Dokyeom's eyes flashed with a mixture of frustration and fear. "You think this is just about careers? It's about more than that, Hana. It's about us, and I can't bear to watch you suffer because of a choice I made. This won't exactly end up as a happily ever after kind."
His words hung heavy in the air, a painful admission that sent a shiver down my spine. I felt the weight of his insecurities pressing down on us, and it became suffocating.
"Of course it won't with you behaving like this! Is that what you want, Dokyeom?" I retorted, my voice trembling with a mixture of hurt and exhaustion. "To bail out when things get tough? I've been fighting for us, but it seems like I'm fighting alone. I can't keep convincing you to believe in us when you're constantly second-guessing. We're going in circles here. I never asked for this to be easy, but I didn't expect you to doubt us so much," I continued, my patience wearing thin.
"If you're so scared of hurting me unintentionally, maybe it's best that I leave before you do." I said and sighed out of exhaustion.
The room hung in silence for a moment, the words lingering like a bitter aftertaste. I felt a weariness settling in—a tiredness that stemmed not just from the external pressures but from the internal struggle within our relationship.
Without waiting for a response, I grabbed my car keys and purse and headed towards the door. I walked away, leaving the room, the apartment, and Dokyeom behind.
As I slammed the door shut, the echoes of his words lingered, leaving a void between us. Tears streamed down my face, a cascade of emotions that I couldn't contain. In my heartache, the only refuge I sought was the familiar comfort of my sister's house.
Thank you for reading :)