A/N: I really appreciate reading everyone's comments. It always makes me more eager to write. Hint hint. Also, this story is now ranked first in hyunjincentric and jeongjin, so that's pretty cool.
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-Hyunjin's POV-
Four hours passed before I finally returned, the smell of ash following like a timid yet persistent cloud as I snuck my way back in through the front gate. The others had lost me rather quickly, and though I tried my best to reassure them I wouldn't do anything too stupid before I finally shook them off, they still seemed rather panicked as I disappeared from their sight. I could only hope they trusted me enough to not worry too much.
The sun was setting by the time I was opening the window to my bedroom, the chill air a constant reminder of the fact I left half naked. It would have been smarter to act like I wasn't up to anything so I could get fully dressed before sneaking out, that way I wouldn't have worried them and I wouldn't have had to visit some of my . . . connections, while shirtless. Though from the way they had looked at me, I didn't think they minded. My scars might have been on display, but most of the connections I visited had their hands in some rather shady things, and definitely had numerous scars of their own.
I boosted myself up before swinging my leg through my now opened window, the other leg shortly following as I scooted my way through the opening and onto the plush covers of my bed. I let out a huff of exhaustion as soon as I was safely back in my room, though when I caught sight of Chan sitting at my desk while eyeing me with a serious expression, the "safe" became debatable.
"Where were you? And why do you smell like smoke?"
I smiled playfully as I propped myself up on my elbows, and I rested my head in my hands as I met eyes with the brooding older.
"You know, waiting for me in my room is kind of creepy. What would the pope say?"
He seemed unamused by my lousy attempt at a distraction, and I sighed disappointedly before I began to kick my legs in a frivolous manner. I never knew what to say to Chan when he was like this, because I always found myself feeling guilty at the thought of lying. Even my distraction tactics were lousy when it came to him, because I felt like I was betraying his trust by not being a hundred percent honest. Something about him just made me want to spill everything. But being that honest without giving him a little bit of trouble just wasn't any fun. And I liked to think I was a rather fun person.
However, the truth in this case involved their work and their relations to others, so I guess I should be honest to save them some stress. Heaven knows that Chan had enough of it already.
Besides, they would find out eventually, either from me or the news, so I might as well be the one to tell them what I ended up doing.
I slid off the bed dramatically before walking towards my closet, and Chan watched me intently as I grabbed a random shirt I still hadn't returned to Felix. I had yet to acquire a wardrobe of my own, so for the past six weeks I had been borrowing outfits from the others. I had one outfit Jisung had gifted me a little while back, but I wore it so often that it was rarely ever clean.
Once I was fully dressed I turned back to the Australian with a resigned expression, and I motioned towards my bedroom door.
"Might as well tell you at the same time that I tell the others, because I definitely won't explain it as well the second time around." I began to head towards the hall, and he followed, face still upholding a serious expression.
Chan was usually a rather upbeat, kind person. Even as the leader he would somehow manage to act more childish than the others, and he thrived off of making others amused with his teasing and light hearted banter. Because of this, it was rather jarring to see him so serious, but lately I've seemed to be bringing out the bad sides of a lot of them.
"I'm sorry if I made you guys worry. I promise I didn't do anything that could cause a problem to you." I continued facing forward as he trailed behind me, partly to hide my stressed expression, and partly to not see his own. It was because I wasn't facing him that the hand in my hair startled me, but he didn't falter as he ruffled my hair in a comforting manner.
"We know. We trust you enough and know you're smart enough to not do anything too stupid, but that isn't in regard to your own well being. Jisung was freaking out about how you were at high risk of hurting yourself because of last night, and Seungmin agreed that you weren't in the most stable of mindsets."
So when they were chasing after me, it wasn't to stop me from messing with Tile 57, but because they didn't trust me to be alone?
"The rest of us were worried that the whole Jeongin incident might have been difficult on you, and considering the fact that you've already attempted and often make jokes about ending your life . . . we were worried that you would end up doing something."
My stomach twisted at the reminder that I actually was debating doing just that the night before, and that I still hadn't fully discarded the thought. A part of me was still tempted to leave, but I might have to rethink that plan if it would really stress them out this much. I'm in a stable enough mindset now to continue on for at least a little longer.
"The only reason we didn't stay out looking for you was because Seungmin managed to track your movements through security cameras, but we quickly regretted that as soon as you moved to an unmonitored part of town. We were planning to send some drones to the area, but right before we did you were once again spotted on a security camera. I'm guessing whatever it is you have to tell us happened while we couldn't see, right?"
A satisfied smirk found its way to my lips at the reminder of what I accomplished, and I entered the main room with a dramatic flourish. "You'll just have to wait and see."
My dramatic moment was ruined when a blurred form tackled me, and Chan, who was thankfully still behind me, managed to keep us from falling as we all stumbled back. I looked down at the blob that had wrapped itself around me, and I quickly realized that "blob" was Jisung.
My arms which were still raised in startelement lowered as Chan propped me back up onto my feet, and I awkwardly patted Jisung's head. "You good, bro?"
His arms wrapped around me even tighter before he finally let go, and he backed up to look at me with a pout. "You made me worried."
I shrugged. "I told you not to be. It's not my fault you didn't listen."
His frown deepened in a way I could tell was playful, and he crossed his arms before huffing. "That's it. You're no longer allowed to read my palms."
My expression morphed into one of shock, and I pretended to be shot in the heart as I dramatically sprawled back into Chan. "B-but Jisung, my man, I can't live without reading your fortune! Why would you do such a thing to me?!"
He shook his head in mock disappointment before dramatically turning away, and Chan once again propped me back up. "You shouldn't throw yourself backwards like that. What if I didn't catch you?"
I turned to Chan with a snort, and I patted his chest in a dismissive way. "Then I would have fallen flat on my ass, so I appreciate you, man." I then followed after Jisung, and I plopped down on the couch where most of the others were already sitting.
Minho and Jeongin were nowhere to be found, and I found myself unsure about how to feel about that. While I wasn't necessarily upset with them, I always grew tense when they were near. Being able to talk with the others without the two of them glaring at me the entire time was kind of nice, but at the same time, I couldn't help but be concerned for Jeongin. I hadn't seen him since earlier that day, and finding out the guy you hate actually saved you would be weird for anyone, let alone the guy that thought I had a part to play in his traumatic past. I couldn't help but wonder about what he had been thinking, and even now I was curious about what was going on in his mind.
However, I had more immediate things to address, and as the others turned to me with expectant eyes, I smiled innocently.
"I committed arson."
Despite the fact that I smelled like smoke, that was apparently not what they thought I was going to say, and all of their eyes widened to an almost comedic degree.
I blinked, my own disbelief at their reaction evident in my expression as I crossed my legs. "Why are you all so surprised? I thought you knew that was how I dealt with problems?"
"I- why did yo- wha-"
"Good job, Chan. You started three different sentences! Now why don't you try to finish one?"
Jisung snorted before quickly covering his mouth, and he avoided eye contact with the now glaring leader. Chan huffed before turning back to me, but before he could speak, Changbin beat him to it.
"What exactly did you burn?"
Seungmin's eyes widened at the question, almost as if he finally put two and two together, and he leaned closer to me with a concerned and dreadfilled look. "Please tell me you didn't burn down Tile 57's headquarters."
I gasped, an offended expression painting over my face as I clutched my heart. "What? I would never." I rubbed my neck as I looked awkwardly to the side, eyes never straying from a blank spot on the wall as my next words came out mumbled."It was just one of their safe houses." Despite the fact that my voice was barely a whisper, it was apparently loud enough for the others to hear, and they all groaned.
"Hyunjin, buddy . . . why?" Chan had more patience than I thought he would, and I smiled cheekily before uncrossing my legs and leaning towards him.
"Because I did my research."
He blinked.
"Elaborate."
I huffed in exasperation before dramatically falling into the cushions of the couch, and Felix apparently saw that as an invitation as he practically leapt from his seat to sprawl out on top of me. My hand instinctively went to start playing with his hair, and he burrowed his head into my stomach as his arms wrapped around my waist.
I got pretty used to cuddle attacks after six consecutive weeks of it, and I actually began to find it comforting to have the blonde wrapped around me.
"Because, Mr. Bossman, I found it to be the best solution. But I'll start from the beginning, how about that?"
"That would be appreciated."
"Awesome! You see, when a guy and a girl really wanna fuck without protection-"
He huffed in both amusement and exasperation. "That's too extreme of a beginning. How about after you lost us?"
I frowned, disappointment obvious in my expression as I began to rub Felix's back. "Fine. I was planning to burn something from the start, because it's what I do best, you know? But I needed more information to make sure I wouldn't mess everything up for you guys. I met up with some of my connections and they traded some information with me, and I managed to figure out that Tile 57 developed their drugs in safe houses spread out across town. I located the one where they were developing the drug used on Changbin, and I burned it down. No casualties, of course."
"How do you always manage to ensure there are no casualties with something as uncontrolled and unpredictable as a fire?"
I locked eyes with Seungmin as I did a one handed version of Jazzhands, my other hand still occupied with Felix. "Magic."
"And the information you gave in return?"
"Nothing related to you guys, of course. But if you aren't going to trade for it, I'm not at liberty to say." He seemed unamused as I offered a shit eating grin, but dropped it nonetheless.
"But of course, I'm not dumb enough to start a fire without making sure someone else is coincidently holding a match, and that's when I remembered our dear friend Mr. Chang. It's pretty obvious he isn't exactly a friend of yours, and after a little more info trading, I learned that he's actually a member of a rival mafia. The Baegsang-ali mafia. I learned enough to plant some rather incriminating evidence, and by tomorrow morning, Tile 57 should declare war, or at least stop trade, with Baegsang-ali. Tile 57 is a lot bigger and a lot stronger than Baesang-ali, so they should have no issue crushing them while still doing business with you guys. And the only reason you didn't crush Baesang-ali yourself was because you didn't have enough info on them to confidently make a move, right? Well, now Tile 57 will do that for you. Two birds, one stone, and a hell of a lot of gasoline. You're welcome."
They once again stared at me with wide eyes, and even Felix rolled over a little to look up at me with a shocked expression. I booped his nose before settling back into the couch, and I sighed as I melted into the plush cushions.
"What a day."
The room fell silent as I once again began to stare at the wall, my exhaustion finally catching up to me as my eyes drooped slightly.
" . . . those connections you speak of . . . are they the membership only kind of connections?" I rolled my head to the side to see Seungmin looking at me with a hopeful expression, and I chuckled softly. He really did love his work, didn't he?
"Sorry, man. Membership only. But as long as I'm around you'll have access to them. All you gotta do is ask." His eyes sparkled at my words, and I realized that I just gave myself one more reason to stick around.
I wanted to be disappointed, but the amount of excitement in his expression that he was failing miserably at hiding kind of made me too happy to care. I could kind of understand it. Seungmin had eyes in almost every corner of the city, but even he didn't know that Tile 57 had safe houses. Membership to such places was difficult to get, but it was definitely beneficial to have.
"And you made sure not to leave any evidence behind that you had anything to do with it?"
I smiled sadly down at Felix, and his brows furrowed slightly in concern when he saw my face. "I wouldn't make that mistake again."
I forced my expression to brighten so as to not bring down the mood, and Chan ruffled my hair as he rose from his seat.
"You did good, Hyunjin. Thank you."
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I turned the water off as I stepped out of the shower, steam swirling around me as I wrapped myself in a towel. I had been eager to wash the scent of ash off of me, and what was meant to be a five minute shower quickly turned into a thirty minute one.
I dried myself off before slipping on the pajamas that Changbin had lent me for the night, and I snorted slightly when I noticed the pant legs were a little too short.
The events of the day had left me incredibly fatigued, and the thought of climbing into bed after a nice hot shower was enough to make me groan in anticipation. It took a second for me to get used to sleeping in a bed again, but now that I had, I would never let it go. If SKZ ever kicked me out, I would steal the bed. I don't care if I would have to disassemble it to sneak it through my window. That bed would be with me for life.
I opened the door of my bathroom before entering my bedroom, steam billowing out behind me as I continued to dry my hair. My goal was to flop onto the mattress and then never leave it, but I stopped in my tracks when I caught sight of Jeongin watching me from atop my bed.
"Um . . . hi?" I smiled awkwardly at the younger as I dropped the towel back around my shoulders, and his eyes instinctively followed the movement before widening. His expression morphed into one so complicated I couldn't fully read it, but the general gist of his visible emotions were of shock, confusion, and guilt.
Oh.
Right.
I removed the makeup from my neck while I was in the shower, so my still purple bruises were now on display for the culprit to see. I only removed the makeup because I thought I wouldn't run into anyone for the rest of the night, but the other's habit of barging into my room without my knowledge completely slipped my mind.
I adjusted the towel to cover at least part of the bruises, an awkward smile dancing on my lips as I closed the bathroom door and stepped further into the room.
"How can I help you?"
"Why were you hiding your bruises?" The question was asked in a sorrowfully quiet voice, and my eyes softened as I regarded the distraught fox.
"Because I didn't want anyone seeing."
He sat in silence, the gears turning in his head so quickly it was difficult to guess just what was on his mind. His brows remained deeply furrowed as he stared down at the ground, and I made my way to my desk chair before stradling it. I folded my arms on the back of the chair before resting my head down, and I watched him sort through his thoughts in a somehow peaceful silence.
I knew I should've been mad, or at the very least, uncomfortable, but the guy before me looked more like a kicked puppy than anything. I could understand the reasoning behind his actions, and despite the lack of logic behind my forgiveness, I couldn't bring myself to be upset with him.
Perhaps if I cared about myself just a little bit more.
The silence dragged on as my exhaustion began to wear on me, and I let out a fatigued sigh.
"Jeongin, why did you come here?"
His eyes darted up to meet mine, and he swallowed harshly before breaking eye contact. "Because I wanted to apologize."
My eyes widened a little at his words, and I remained silent as I waited for him to continue.
"The way I treated you wasn't okay. I should have looked into it more." I blinked when he nodded to himself, seemingly satisfied with his apology despite the fact that "I'm sorry" never left his lips. I found myself chuckling at his awkwardness. He must not apologize very often, but the fact he attempted at all meant a lot. It was an odd contrast from what I was used to hearing from him.
"If it bothered me, I would have slapped you. So no hard feelings." My attempt to lighten the mood was rather shitty because of my exhaustion, but I didn't think it was shitty enough to make him frown even more than before.
"I strangled you. I tried to kill you, and you did nothing. You're telling me that you would have stopped me if it got too much? Then why didn't you stop me from choking you?"
My face fell a little at his words, and while I could see a hint of guilt when he noticed my expression, he remained firm as he waited for a response.
"Because I was okay with it."
His expression morphed into one of confusion, and I held his gaze with vacant eyes. "What?"
I shrugged. "Maybe I have a choking kink." My lips twitched up in amusement as he grew even more confused, apparently not believing my words. "But Jeongin? I'm curious."
"What?"
I bit my lip, a little unsure about whether or not I should ask. I certainly didn't want to upset him, but I needed to know. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"
"Are you asking the person that bullied you and tried to kill you if you make them uncomfortable?"
I blinked. "Um, yeah? I thought that was pretty obvious."
He eyed me with an incredulous look, and I gave him a cheeky smile despite my tiredness making my eyelids heavy.
He seemed to realize I was unwilling to drop it, and he sighed before running his fingers through his hair in a stressed manner. "Not really, no. I'm a little unsure about how to act around you, and I now feel guilty when I look at you, but you don't make me uncomfortable like you used to."
I relaxed a little. "So I don't trigger anything?" My voice was unintentionally soft, both because I didn't want to upset him by prying, but also because I feared his response.
He once again seemed caught off guard by the fact I was worrying about that, but once again, he responded. "No. Seeing your face reminds me of the first time I met you, but it's not necessarily triggering." He seemed like he wanted to continue, but he hesitated as he swallowed down his words.
"What is it?"
His eyes flickered back toward the bruises on my neck before retreating back towards the floor, and he pursed his lips.
I tsked when he continued to hesitate, and I shook my head. "Communication is important, dude. So spill."
He let out a resigned sigh as he readjusted his weight, and his next words were spoken softer than anything he had previously said. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"
. . . Well I definitely wasn't expecting that. I guess to most it would seem like a rather valid question, but for some reason I didn't assume that it was much of a concern.
I tilted my head in thought as I considered the question, brows furrowing slightly as I tried to decipher what exactly I was feeling in his presence.
I definitely wasn't scared, mainly because I was stronger than him and could stop him if he ever tried to hurt me when I wasn't okay with it. I also wasn't nervous, but I definitely wasn't as carefree as I was around the others. I didn't hold it against him, but he had treated me poorly, regardless of whether or not I was used to it.
"I don't think so."
He clearly wasn't sure whether or not he should believe me, and I offered a small smile as I sunk deeper into the cushions of the chair.
It was getting a little harder to think clearly as my body screamed out for sleep, and Jeongin seemed to notice my exhaustion as he began to pick himself up off of my bed. My eyes trailed after him as he made his way across my room and towards my door, and as soon as his hand found the door knob, he turned back to me.
His expression was as blank and unamused as it was before he recognized me and began to despise my existence, and I found myself a little happy to see him going back to his normal self.
"I'm sorry."
With that, he made his way through the door, and I continued to stare even after he had closed the door behind him.
An actual apology? Well would you look at that.
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-Seungmin's POV-
I knocked quietly on the door of Chan's office, trying my best to not wake the others sleeping further down the hall. Most of our more private conversations happened later at night, partly to assure privacy, and partly because if I didn't come in to check on him, he would forget to sleep.
I opened the door as soon as he gave me the go ahead, and I closed the door behind me before turning to Chan with serious eyes.
"So, what did you conclude?"
His expression was as grim as I expected it to be, and I sat across from him as he pulled out the file he had been working on since Hyunjin first came. The folder had grown thicker and thicker as more time passed, and by now, Chan should have more than enough information for us to make an effective plan going forward.
"A lot of shitty things." He let out a pained sigh before dragging his hands down his face, and I regarded him with a raised brow.
"We were expecting that."
"I know. But this? This might be more than we can handle alone."
"Well, you are the one with a psychology degree. Tell me what I missed."
He sighed once again before opening the folder, and I waited with baited breath.
"I haven't been able to properly evaluate him, because doing so would require his knowledge of what we were doing, but from what I could piece together, I think he might need professional help."
"Again, we were expecting that. Now tell me why."
He flipped through a couple pages, most likely to find the written synopsis of his evaluation, and his demeanor somehow became even more grim as he began to explain what he had observed.
"Hyunjin seems to have lost the ability to care about himself to any degree. His inability to get mad when others wrong him, his willingness to throw himself into harm's way, and the fact he attempted to kill himself when Changbin and Felix captured him instead of escaping all point to not only a lack of self preservation, but the complete absence of it. He seems to desire feeling useful, and only ever really seems at peace when he's helping us in some way. He often tries to hide all of his negative emotions, or expresses them in a joking way, either because he simply feels uncomfortable expressing how he feels, or because he is scared to be seen as a burden. That might also explain the lengths he's willing to go to in order to be seen as useful. He doesn't seem used to people being kind to him, which probably only worsens his desire to prove his worth. He often bends himself backwards to make those around him happy, like when he agreed to go into a dangerous situation unarmed for the sake of not worrying Minho, or when he did everything in his power to not make me feel guilty about a mistake most people wouldn't forgive. And today, the way he didn't hesitate to not only come up with a brilliant plan to deal with our issues, but also went through the trouble of executing said plan despite the danger . . . He didn't even second guess it. It seems like everything he does is for our betterment, but never his own."
My stomach squeezed painfully the more he spoke, and many incidents I previously didn't think much of were now being replayed in a different light.
Chan leaned forward once he finished speaking, and we met eyes with a mutually distraught expression. He was right. Hyunjin definitely needed professional help, but his mentality might make that difficult. Because he cared so little for his own well being, he wouldn't see the use in getting help, and trying to force it would only make him less likely to open up to us. Not that we've really done much to deserve that in the first place.
There's also the fact that talking to him about getting help would only make him feel guilty for being a burden, and not only would he likely refuse, but he would also come to trust us less, which would only isolate him even more.
"So what do we do?" I'm well aware the others looked at Chan like an all knowing, always right being, but he didn't know everything. He wasn't as invincible as we would like to think, and while his leadership had always resulted in the best for us, there are some things he just wasn't able to do. I was really hoping this wouldn't be one of those cases.
His eyes grew pained as he finally closed the folder, and he tucked it back into his desk drawer before locking it. "We need to keep him occupied. Ask him to help the rest of us with training, let him participate in missions, and most importantly, don't let him be alone for too long. Solitude isn't good for people with his mental profile, but we also have to make sure he doesn't realize we're monitoring him. We need to gain his trust more before we even think about mentioning professional help, which also means his well being will be solely our responsibility for the upcoming months. We should also keep him at a distance from Minho. Interacting together is stressful for both of them, and I don't think Minho will have a change of heart anytime soon."
I exhaled painfully as I leaned back in my chair, hand raising to massage the bridge of my nose. "And I'm assuming we can't tell Hyunjin why Minho hates him so much?"
As expected, Chan shook his head, though he seemed equally bothered by the prospect of ignoring a more simple solution. "Unfortunately, it isn't our story to tell."
"I know, but it would make things so much easier."
"How would you like me sharing your past with Hyunjin?"
I blinked. "What past?"
He clearly wasn't expecting that response, and he furrowed his brows. "Seungmin, you were practically raised by a computer."
"I know. Why do you think I'm so smart?"
A breathy chuckle escaped past his lips as I stood, though he quickly grew disappointed by the knowing look I was giving him as I gestured to the door.
"But I still have work to do!" He whined childishly, still keeping his voice low so as to not wake the others.
"Which you can finish tomorrow. You know how badly the last time you pulled an all-nighter went."
"I would like to think guns powered by coffee would be a brilliant invention."
"But unfortunately those don't exist, so ordering three thousand bags of coffee instead of bullet magazines was absolutely pointless."
He shrugged. "I don't know about that. It made the next all-nighter a hell of a lot easier."
" . . . Chan."
He took note of my unamused expression as I crossed my arms, and he sighed dejectedly. "Fine. But can I at least finish what I was working on?"
I walked around the desk before grabbing onto the back of his chair, and I began to push it towards the office door as he reached desperately towards the papers scattered across his desk.
"No! My work!"
"Who even does paperwork on paper any more? Tomorrow we're going out and we're buying you a computer."
He huffed as we got closer and closer to the door, and I reached forward to open it.
"Why do we need more? You have, like, fifty."
I suddenly yanked the chair back, and he instinctively grabbed the arm rests as he lurched forward.
"I only have 48, and I need all of them. Now get up." He complied, though not without a childish pout, and I playfully rolled my eyes as we finally exited his office.
"We should bring Hyunjin with us." My brow raised on its own violation as we made our way towards his room, and I eyed him from my peripheral.
"Really?"
"Yeah, it will be good for him to leave the house for something other than causing destruction, and he needs clothes anyway. We might as well bring him along."
I hummed as I mulled over his words, and while multiple scenarios of chaos filled destruction caused by the ferret filled my mind, I found myself shrugging as Chan opened his bedroom door.
"I wouldn't be opposed."
"Awesome." He entered his room before turning back to me, and he gently grabbed my hand before meeting my gaze with a suggestive expression. "Join me?"
Despite my wishes I found myself blushing, and I nodded my head as I allowed him to pull me into his room.
—-------- To Be Continued —--------