Jill pulled into the parking lot of the store and turned off the engine. I'm sitting next to her, completely broken, staring at the windshield. We went around the whole town, I asked people from school, I visited some, I called, I texted them. There was no trace of her anywhere. She couldn't fucking disappear all of a sudden.
I feel helpless and useless. Tara is who knows where and I can't do anything. I've been crying for an hour, not knowing what else to do. I unblocked her number, called and called and called. I probably sent her a hundred messages, hoping she would read any of them. I just want to know where she is... Everyone's worried, because God knows what might happen at night.
She could send at least one message. One. Not even to me, but to Sam. To anyone.
If she did something to herself... I don't even want to think about it.
I treated her badly when she came to me, that's right...but I had my reasons. She broke my heart. And I can't cope with something like that other than with hatred. Was I supposed to hug her and forgive her after something so vile? I have the right to be angry.
But now my concern overshadows my resentment. I just want her to be okay.
- You love her, don't you? - Jill asked suddenly
I quickly looked at the girl and my breathing became heavier. I swallowed hard, not knowing what to say. I know the answer but I'm fucking sitting here with my future wife!
- Be honest.
She doesn't look at me. Her gaze is focused on the extinguished streetlight in front of us. It's the middle of the night, everything is dark, the only light comes from the car's bulbs.
I don't know what Jill's feelings are about me. I don't want to hurt her, but lying will also hurt her. Besides, she suggested that we would just pretend. That's much better, because I couldn't believe in anything real anymore.
- I did - I admitted - And I guess I still do. But she hurt me a lot.
I felt more tears gathering in my eyes. How is it possible that I produce so many of them? Am I making up for all these years today or what?
- When she kissed that guy?
- Yeah - I confirmed and felt another tear fall from my eye
Jill finally looked at me. I doubt she's happy about my feelings for Tara, but she doesn't say anything unpleasant. She looks like she wants to, but she doesn't. She just leaned towards me and wiped the tears from my face. It was a nice gesture and it warmed my heart a bit. One of her hands stayed on my face and she used her fingers to brush my hair behind my ear.
Feeling the need for closeness, I leaned forward and rested my forehead against the crook of her neck. She placed her hand on my head and rested her chin on me. Jill sighed and I felt the warm air on my skin. I feel very safe with her lately.
- Maybe you want to sleep at my place tonight? - Jill asked - You probably shouldn't be alone in this state.
- Okay - I said quietly
Jill moved away to start the engine. I just leaned back in the seat and took out my phone. Just as I was about to text Sam that I couldn't find Tara anywhere, she texted me.
bitch: she came home
- Tara's at home - I told Jill and she nodded
- Do you want to go see her?
- No, I'm just relieved she's safe.
me: thank god, how is she?
The drive to Jill's house wasn't long. Maybe it's because she was speeding as usual. I'm still a little worried, but the important thing is that Tara is home.
We entered Jill's house in silence and then went to her room. Nothing has changed here. Several memories flashed through my mind but I gritted my teeth and just went to the bathroom.
Jill followed me in and we started removing our makeup together. Is that weird? A little. But I don't mind.
She finished first and left the restroom without a word. I threw the cotton pad into the trash and washed my face with water. As I lifted myself from the sink, I saw Jill behind me.
- Here - she said and gave me her clothes to change into something more comfortable than this fucking dress
- Thank you - I mumbled and turned to the mirror again
I look terrible from crying. I should definitely stop doing this. Forever.
- Do you think she loves you too? - Jill asked and leaned against the wall
She doesn't tease, she asks normally. Looking at the girl in the mirror, I laughed bitterly.
- No fucking way - I told her and clenched my jaw
- Maybe talk to her.
I shook my head and a grimace appeared on my face. Jill began to unbutton her shirt, button by button. I'm watching her silently, not responding. I don't understand why she cares about my relationship with Tara.
- No. Listen, I know you want to do the right thing, Jill - I started and turned to her
Even though I didn't want to, my eyes fell on her breasts and then her delicately muscular belly. I took a deep breath and looked up, meeting her eyes.
- Don't try to convince me to talk to her, because it simply doesn't make sense - I said - I will marry you, not Tara.
She took off her shirt completely and threw it on the laundry basket.
- Okay - she replied indifferently
- And put something on because you turn me on - I said it partly jokingly and partly sincerely
- Okay - she repeated herself, laughing this time - Then turn around if you don't want to see my tits.
I smiled and turned around. I focused on looking at the bathtub while the girl changed her clothes. When she was finished, she walked over to me and grabbed the zipper of my dress. I tensed slightly as she pulled it down. When her hand touched my skin, I felt chills.
- I don't know if I can find a new toothbrush for you - she said, moving away
- Fuck it, I'll brush my teeth at home. I just want to sleep, it's three in the morning.
- So I won't want a goodbye kiss.
We laughed and Jill started brushing her teeth. I took the clothes she gave me and went to change in her room. Once I was in comfortable clothes, I took my phone and unlocked it.
bitch: drunk
bitch: she's talking about you
Oh.
me: anything positive?
I thought about blocking Tara again, but I decided not to. After all, if she ever needs help, I won't leave her in the lurch.
bitch: too much positive, kinda funny
I nodded and put the phone away. It's good that she was found. I won't say she's safe and sound, because she's buzzed, but at least she's alive. Stone fell from my heart.
...
Jill parked outside Mindy and Chad's house and looked around the yard, where the teenagers were already doing stupid things. A few looked our way, impressed to see such a great car. What Jill and I have in common is that we like to brag about them.
I grimaced a little at the thought of the girl not being able to come with me. It would be good to have some kind of support. But I didn't even ask the twins if I could take her. I know the answer. Besides, I haven't told them anything yet about my old "love" returning. I don't even know if I can mention the deal with my father.
- Have fun. Tell me later what time to pick you up - she said
- I will - I replied and kissed her on the cheek
She raised an eyebrow in confusion, but smiled nonetheless. I pursed my lips, slightly embarrassed. It would be much easier with alcohol.
- What was that? - she asked looking me in the eyes
- People are watching.
I shrugged and Jill smirked.
- Go, be safe.
I smiled and shook my head as I got out of the car. Jill drove away and I took a cigarette out of the pack and lit it quickly. I moved towards the twins' garden, greeting people one by one. On the terrace, I saw Liv drinking beer through the hole at the bottom. Several people were cheering for her. Mindy, on the other hand, was complaining and making "boo" noises. She stopped for a moment when she noticed me and waved. I nodded and just leaned against the railing, puffing on a cigarette and then blowing out the smoke.
- Which one is it? - I asked the girl next to me
- Second. She bet Mindy she could chug both.
That's why Mindy is outraged. Did she seriously doubt Liv's beer drinking skills?
Aforementioned girl proudly threw the empty can on the ground and started jumping up and down, happy that she managed to drink it all in one go. She gave Mindy the middle finger and she shouted at Liv to fuck off. She put 20 bucks in her hand and went home pissed.
- Freeman! - my girl yelled as she noticed me
Before I knew it, the girl was in my arms and I was careful not to burn her pink hair with a fag. Happy, I rubbed her back and smiled when she pulled away.
- Are you drinking today? - she asked already tipsy
- Yeah. Jill will take me home.
Liv's expression changed slightly.
- As long as she treats you right...- she nodded
Liv doesn't like the fact that I have to be with Jill, but she said she wouldn't make it harder for me. If Jill doesn't do fucked up actions, Liv will try to accept it. But I won't be surprised if she suddenly gets up from her chair at the wedding and shouts "I object!".
- She does. I don't know how long it will last, but she's doing fine.
- Come on, let's drink it up.
- Is Tara here? - I asked her as we went to house
- Yeah, are you okay with that?
- I'm cool.
We went to the kitchen table where there was most of the alcohol. Liv uncorked a bottle of Jägermeister and started making us drinks. I leaned against the counter and looked around at the people. I don't see Tara.
- Hello there - Chad said and hugged me
- Hi - I replied and hugged him too
- Honey, do you want drink too? - Liv asked and showed him the bottle
- Yes thanks. But don't pour a lot of alcohol, I have a match on Monday.
- So I have to be there and support you? - she grimaced as she poured the alcohol into the cups - Amber, you're coming with me, these matches are too boring.
- Because you don't know the rules - I told her and Chad laughed - How is it possible that you have been together for so long and you don't know anything about football?
We took cups of drinks and clinked.
- She won't let me talk about it - Chad snorted and pulled out a stool from under the counter to sit down - Which is unfair because I listen about the nails and even help choose the colors.
- Pussy whip - I laughed and Chad nudged me in the shoulder - I couldn't stand it if I had to sit with my girlfriend at the beautician's.
- As people who only date women, you complain a lot about us - Liv reminded us and took a sip of her drink
- I could date man - I shrugged and Liv and I looked at Chad
- What? I couldn't - he laughed
- Don't worry, we know.
- I think I've only seen you with a guy twice - Liv told me
- Yeah. What was his name?
- I don't even remember - I said - But I'm sure I'm not lesbian. Guys can be cool too.
- Like me. Because I'm a gentleman - he boasted and tensed his muscles
- What the fuck did you say? - Mindy asked offensively and walked over to us, wrapping her arm around Anika's shoulders - You're a bastard who won't lower the toilet lid.
- I love you too, sis - Chad answered
- Hi, Amber! - Anika said hello and we kissed each other on the cheeks - What are you drinking?
- Jägermeister with redbull. Want some?
- Yes, please. This crowd wears me out when I'm sober.
- I was so fucking scared for Tara yesterday - Mindy said and I tensed up a bit - Chad and I went from bar to bar looking for her.
Everyone agreed with the girl except me. I just focused my eyes on the wall, remembering my panic at night. Mindy seemed to notice.
- And you weren't afraid, Amber?
I stole a glance at Liv and straightened up so that I wasn't leaning on the counter anymore.
- I was looking for her too - I only said
I took a long sip of alcohol and finished the entire cup. I put it on the counter and started pouring more alcohol.
- We kept passing Jill's car, beautiful Mustang...- Mindy daydreamed and I clenched my jaw - I wonder why she was driving in the middle of the night. Some chick was inside with her, another victim.
I took the cup back and turned to Mindy.
- Was she hot? - I asked and laughed
Liv snorted quietly too. I would like to tell them everything but I don't know if I can.
- I didn't see her clearly, but I think so.
- Thank you for the compliment - I said and winked at the girl
- What? What were you doing with her? - Chad asked worrried
- We were looking for Tara.
- But why with Jill?! - Mindy asked a little mad
- We were together when Wes texted that something was wrong with Tara. I thought it was serious since HE texted me. Jill helped.
Everyone fell silent for a moment, drinking their drinks. As if on cue, Tara came into the kitchen with some girl, laughing completely drunk.
- Oh, hi everyone! - she said to us loudly through laughter
I just sighed and took the bottle to pour myself some more alcohol. Before I could react, the bottle was snatched from me. I looked at Tara not understanding what she meant.
- You won't even say hello? - she asked meanly
I raised my eyebrows and scoffed. Everyone except Liv is surprised at the tension between us. I exchanged a significant look with my best friend and she shrugged.
- Hello Tara - I said calmly
Looking into my eyes, she took a sip from the bottle she took from me before.
- Is some...- Chad started but Liv shook her head at him so he didn't say anything
- How was your date? - she asked
- Great.
It pisses me off that she's standing so close to me.
- Did she bagged you? - Tara laughed and I took a deep breath
I don't want to say something rude, but Tara is clearly testing my nerves.
- Okay...maybe we should go for a smoke, Amber? - Anika asked
- Since when do you smo...- Mindy wanted to say something but Anika nodded at Tara
I know she wants to help me, but I can handle Tara.
- You did not answer my question - Tara said and poked my chest with the bottle
- Be careful I don't say something different.
- Ohhh...are you threatening me? - she laughed at me - I don't really care. Actually, guys, we had a little affair.
- Tara...- I whispered
She admitted this while being in a terrible condition. She surprised me and I felt eyes on me. Not only friends, but also other people who happen to be in the kitchen.
- What? - Mindy asked looking at me
I try to keep a straight face but I just feel more and more sad. Everyone exchanges glances. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Tara will regret saying that when she sobers up.
- What what? - Tara turned to her - We fucked few times.
- When did it start?
- February. You thought I ended up in bed with some guy, but it was Amber - Tara laughed
- Okay, enough - I said and took her arm - You're going somewhere to cool down...
- Why? Do you want to fuck me again?!
I let go of her and grabbed the bottle out of her hands. I gave it to Chad and glared at the girl. I'm ashamed. And I'm terribly sad that she presented our relationship this way.
And I hear these whispers of people that drive me crazy. There may not be many of them here, but rumors can spread quickly.
- Tara, calm down, you're making a fuss - Liv told her
Mindy is looking at me angry and I kind of understand her. This all happened when she and I also had something going on.
- What do you mean? I'm just telling everyone how it was - the girl shrugged
- Well, maybe for you it was just sex! - I said mad - And didn't it even cross your mind, that I really cared?!
- You cared so much that now you're fucking with Jill! - she spat and she stuck her finger into my arm
- We didn't do anything!
I grabbed her hand and shook it off my body. Chad put his hand on my shoulder, probably to calm me down, but it didn't help.
- You went to her right away!
- Because you fucking broke my heart! - I shouted and I can feel tears in my eyes - How would you feel if you went to tell someone you love them and saw them kissing someone else?!
Tara fell silent and her face took on a different expression. She looks devastated and I feel tears falling from my eyes. This has gone too far.
I told her. She knows I love her. Too bad it's too late.
- Amber...- she started but I just passed her by hitting her shoulder and left the kitchen
I don't want to see her. Really, I never want to see her again.
- Amber - I heard Chad and when I turned around I saw that he and Liv had run after me
Liv embraced me and led me to her boyfriend's room. They went in there with me and closed the door. Angry and crying, I sat on the bed. They sat on either side of me to support me someway.
- She went too far - Liv said and put her hand on my arm
- Yeah, she shouldn't start this - Chad seconded - Liv, did you know?
- Yeah, Tara told me when she was drunk on my birthday.
- I'm a bit shocked.
I'm shocked too. Not only did she blurt out our relationship in front of everyone, but she also tried to show that I was the problem. Tara can't blame me for it not working out. I really was willing to sacrifice everything for us.
- And I regret that it ever happened. I could have cut off contact immediately after first night - I said and put my face in my hands
- No, Amber, it's good that you fell in love again - Chad told me
- Do I look happy, mate? - I asked and laughed a little
I took my hands from my face and ran them over my knees because they were wet with tears.
- You always look amazing - Liv reminded me and smiled - Do you want to go home?
- No, because I'll be thinking at home. And thinking doesn't lead to anything good.
Chad stood up and grabbed a pack of tissues. He put them out for me and I took a few.
- We are there for you - he said - I'll make you the best drinks, we will laugh at people and we will dance.
- Sounds amazing to me! - Liv agreed and I smiled
I'm looking at them as they are trying to comfort and support me. They are so amazing people. I don't really deserve them. If I had to sacrifice everything for their happiness, I would do it.
- Okay. Can I sit here for a moment and cool down?
- Stay as long as you need.
- I love you guys - I said honestly and felt a weight in my chest - Don't ever forget this.
...
I snorted a line and I immediately felt that well-known pain. I grabbed my nose and tilted my head back. This strange feeling of not having a body spread through me. The ceiling blurred a few times, but it quickly normalized. I fucking love it.
- Isn't that too much? - Vic asked and sucked on my neck - This is your third one in an hour.
I closed my eyes in irritation, letting her kiss my body. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe it wasn't necessary. But this was the only solution that was quickly available.
I pushed Vic back so that she laid down on Chad's bed and I climbed on top of her. I looked into her eyes, but they were empty. These aren't the kind of eyes I like to see.
She pulled me towards her and wrapped her legs around me. I didn't resist, I kissed her immediately. Our lips probably work well together, but I can't even feel it. They just rub against each other and the girl's hands are firmly on my sweatshirt, holding me close. After a moment, I pulled away and ran my fingers over her lower lip.
- Don't take drugs, they ruin your life - I whispered to her but she just laughed and kissed me again
I'm staring to feel bad about kissing her. It's just...not what it should be.
She's not Tara. She's not Jill.
I broke the kiss and pulled away a little. The sooner I start, the sooner I'll get over it.
I moved my hands to her zipper and unzipped it quickly. She allowed me to do so and spread her legs. My hand went inside to massage her through her underwear. She bit her lip at my movements and grabbed my face to hold me closer. But I don't feel like I can be that close to her.
I look anywhere but into her eyes.
- I guess you're not convinced about what we're doing - she said and grabbed my hand
I just sighed and moved completely to the other side of the bed. I don't want sex. I don't know if I want anything at all.
- We can just talk like before - she told me and looked at me
Earlier, we chatted on the couch and then we ended up in Chad's room. We talked a bit about everything and snorted lines together. I thought if we had fun, I would feel better. Well, I'm not feeling better.
Maybe this stuff is weak. It doesn't work the way it should. Maybe even this fucking deadly powder can't make me feel anything.
But Tara can.
- Why are you so silent? - Vic asked and I rose to a sitting position
- Because this shit doesn't work! - I said pissed off - Give me more, I'll pay.
- I don't think you should take any more - she said, sounding concerned, but she wasn't
We don't even know each other. I've never seen this girl in my life before. She shouldn't have met me at all.
- Just tell me the price.
- Forty.
It wasn't hard.
I reached into my pocket looking for money. I took out some bills and threw them to her. I don't care if there's more there than she wanted. I just want to feel something. Anything. Even if I might kill myself over it, I'm willing to do it.
She gave me the bag with the powder and hid the money. It works for her, so why doesn't it work for me? She looked me up and down. However, I didn't sense mockery here, but sympathy. That's worse.
- Can you leave me?
Maybe it's unpleasant, but I don't have the strength to be with anyone anymore. It always ends with suffering for one of the sides because I have some fucking curse and destroy everything I touch..
- Okay - she sighed - I'll be downstairs. Be safe.
The girl left and as soon as she closed the door, I rushed to the cupboard which I had previously used. I didn't even care that the door wasn't locked. What should I worry about? Is there anything in the world worth caring about?
I poured out the entire contents left and managed to make three lines. I rolled the banknote into a roll and took one of the lines. The pain was severe because my nose is already cut enough inside. My heart beat faster, it's the only part of my body I can still feel.
She bought some shit. And the crystals are not crushed well. But maybe this shit will finally let my soul be free? It is worth a try.
I shook myself and brought the roll closer to the next line. After snorting it, I immediately felt blood flowing from my nose. I wiped it with my hand and it didn't stop me from snorting another line. The drug mixed with the blood but still got through. I again wiped away the blood that had already flowed onto my lips.
In pain, I let go of the roll and leaned my head against the bed. Blood also started flowing from the other side, which was strange because I was only using one nostril.
I closed my eyes because the blurry image was starting to piss me off. It's like a game stuttering or terrible editing of Saw from 2004.
Blood doesn't drain because of a cut nostril. But I don't care anymore. I let it flow, I don't even have the strength to wipe myself. My head hurts, but it's not the place where it usually does.
I opened my eyes and wanted to grab the phone, but my shaking hand wouldn't let me. It wasn't just the hand that was shaking.
Disturbing thoughts ran through my head. Memories of all kinds.
"Get the fuck out of here! I don't want to see you here today! Go and spend the night with one of your whores!"
"Are you sure you're not making a mistake?" "This is a huge mistake, but I want to make it."
"I love you." "I love you too"
"You being nice to me, Amber. It's a strange feeling." "Would you like me to be the way I used to be?" "I like the way it is right now."
"You should be sober for yourself, not for me. But I appreciate that. Seriously, Amber. I do. Just remember, be sober for yourself, not for someone else."
"Chad miss you, Mindy's gonna stop being mad soon, you know her. And I get it, you and Wes will never get along, but but Tara will forgive you. Just talk to her."
"[...] But in that short period of time, you started to mean a something to me."
"I still can't hug you, can I?" "You can."
"Just remember that you're not a problem. Previously, it was Jill who ruined everything, now it was Tara. It's not your fault"
"I love you guys. Don't ever forget it."
It is so fucking bad right now...It will disappoint everyone.
I finally forced myself to grab the fucking phone. But what I saw was even more terrifying.
Jill: you're not replying
Jill: im worried
Jill: I dont want to limit you, but it's weird that you havent replied for three hours
Jill: Im on the way
No. Fuck, no. She sent her last message about twenty minutes ago.
I clicked the camera three times until I finally hit the icon. Jesus Christ. She can't see me like this. I have to wash my face. But what difference does it make if the blood is still leaking?
I got up quite easily. However, when I took two small steps, I lost my balance. I hit the floor with force and then I realized that I wouldn't get up.
...
...
...
I just won't get up ever again. My heart seems to be beating fast but weakly. And I don't really know what's happening to me anymore. I don't feel the vibration, but I can see that my hands are shaking.
...
...
...
The music stopped or my ears stopped working.
- How the fuck do you not know where she is?! - I heard Jill, totally furious
I know this tone of voice too well.
Fuck. She's going to kill me for what I did. Liv too. And Chad. Literally everyone. Unless nothing can be done. Because they might as well not find me in time.
- She was with Vic but Vic came back and then left the house! - I heard someone answer in fear
...
...
...
I don't know how much time passed because I drifted off, but I finally saw the girl fall to her knees next to me. She grabbed my arms in fear. It wasn't Jill, it was Tara. I didn't understand anything she said so I just closed my eyes. It's not like she would say anything good. I felt that water or something dripped on my face.
...
...
...
I felt more hands and then someone lifting me up. When I opened my eyes this time, it was Jill. Freaking Jill Roberts.
She's saying something but I can't hear what. She glances at me every now and then, carrying me to God knows where. I only see the rooms changing and my friends running up to us. But I don't quite understand any of it.
...
...
...
I found myself in the car, leaning against an unknown person who was hugging me. I vaguely see Jill behind the wheel. Liv is next to her, turned to me. And this sight breaks my heart. Because she is looking at me and crying. She is terrified. I wish I could reach out and grab her hand and tell her I'm sorry. But I'm not capable of that.
And then, my eyelids and hand drooped, despite my will. And even though I want to get up and open my eyes, I can't.
- Amber! - I finally heard something
It's Tara who's holding me.