Last Friday Night ~ tamber

39 ~ 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕

Even though Liv made me feel better, I felt empty on the way home. Only messages from Jill, full of excitement about our meeting, kept me from pressing the gas and aiming at the tree.

I didn't expect that I would ever feel so bad because of a failed relationship ever again. However, it is a different feeling and situation. In the past, I lost someone I loved because she simply left. I felt betrayed, it's true, but the feeling of longing was stronger and I would accept her if she came back. I just missed her.

This time it was the betrayal that hit me the most...and my fucking naivety. I can't describe it any other way. It's not about a broken heart, it's about broken trust. I told her everything. I opened up. It was my mistake.

I'm looking in the mirror in front of me. I put on makeup, and I haven't done it for a long time. I even wore a dress even though I don't like them. Sometimes you have to do something against yourself...

Staring at myself, I am analyzing how I could have let someone in again. Why? I don't even see a clever, manipulative woman, broken and addicted. Being a fool outshined the rest. I always knew I am fucked up, but I never thought I am also stupid. I needed Tara to make me realize that.

I lifted my hand and traced with my fingertips the hickey that Jill had made. Does she see me as an idiot too? Does she feel satisfied that I am clinging to her again? It is not like I have much choice.

The only thing I can decide for myself is whether I will be with her for the paper or for the heart. But how can I love her again when I don't feel like I have any heart left? I feel like half of me is gone and has no plans of coming back. It's like I'm wandering through a forest full of wild animals. One wrong step and they will attack me. And then there will be nothing left...

I heard a knock so I turned my head towards the door.

- Come in.

The door immediately opened and my mother entered the room. I frowned, full of confusion, feeling like I'm missing out on something. Since when does she knock? Their sudden change is new to me and if I'm honest, it's even disturbing. I felt the same way during dinner. It wasn't even about the fact that they were nice to me... they just were there. I don't remember the last time we ate dinner together without being forced to do so.

- Jill's waiting downstairs. You have a date? - mom asked grinning

- Kinda.

Her smile has widened and she looks shocked, positively of course. I'm, in turn, trying to hide my grimace. It's not that I don't want to meet Jill, I really do. This can be reassuring to me.

But is this a real date?

- That's great! Have fun.

- This shouldn't surprise you since you caused it to happen - I spat it out before I could purse my lips

I realized from my mother's face that I should have kept my mouth closed. It was stronger than me.

- I'm sorry - I mumbled and turned back to the desk

I started moving things from place to place, waiting for my mother to leave. But I didn't hear the door closing, on the contrary, I can see in the mirror, that she's approaching me.

- I swear to you this wasn't my idea - she said as she stood behind me and rested her hand on my chair - I agree that Jill is the best option for you, but I didn't want to force you. Your father is in charge here, not me.

I'm looking at my mother in the mirror and even feel a little sorry for her. I know she doesn't have a voice here.

- Anthony is what he is, but he wants the best for you.