Fade in to Doc walking up to Andy, Church, Rayner and Caboose far from Blue Base.
Tucker: (off in the distance) Oh God... I think it's coming back up. BLAHGH!
Doc: Okay everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?
O'Malley: That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket," huhuhuhuheuw.
Church: Uh, sorry I'm busy.
Doc: Caboose?
Caboose: I can't.
Doc: Well why not?
Caboose: Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. (cough cough cough), coughing.
Rayner: (sigh) Alright, alright, I'll go with you.
Doc: Ohokay, don't worry so much. It'll be fun.
Cut to Sarge watching Doc and Rayner depart to the base through the sniper rifle.
Sarge: Well, you won't believe this, it looks like the Blues have teamed up with O'Malley. Those dirty backstabbers!
Grif: Our enemies teamed up with our enemy. How is that a backstab?
Sarge: Exactly! No good two-timers! Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translator thing so we can figure out what Lopez is saying.
Lopez: No más vas a estar decepcionado. [You're just going to be disappointed.]
Sarge: I agree Lopez, time is of the essence.
Lopez: ¿Por qué estás contestando si usted no sabe qué estoy diciendo? [Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?]
Sarge: Heh heh heh, good one amigo.
Lopez: Dios mío, alguien por favor máteme. [Oh God, someone please kill me.]
Sarge: I see the bomb. He's right next to Caboose.
Grif: Which one is Caboose again? I get confused. Is he the stupid mean one (camera pans to Sarge), the stupid annoying one (camera pans to Simmons), or the stupid stupid one (camera pans to Donut)?
Simmons: Stupid stupid.
Grif: Oh yeah, right. What an idiot.
Simmons: Yeah totally--wait, aren't there four of them? Why did you only list off three?
Grif: You mean Rayner? No-I know about him. The guy that's most likely to be an actual soldier. Besides the mean chick in black I think he's the most dangerous person here.
Simmons: How would you know? What, did you like, sit around and drink beers together?
Grif: Dude, he fucking shot me! And don't tell me you didn't see all the cool shit he did back at O'Malley's base.
Sarge: (sigh) And he couldn't have aimed higher. Preferably in the heart region.
Grif: Alright let's stop talking about this.
Donut: Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious, but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why don't we just shoot 'em?
Sarge: Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill your enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"
Grif: (sigh), oh my God.
Sarge: Or my personal favorite, "You've just got Sarged." Hhheh heh heh, classic.
Lopez: Hablo en serio. Deséo morir. [I mean it, I want to die.]
Sarge: Hand-to-hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes, it hearkens back to the honored traditions when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says “we're all equals as men. Except I'm slightly more equal 'cause I'm still alive and you're dead.” Of course dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is also totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there's just not enough time in this busy world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling.
Grif: See? That right there is why society is going downhill. Everyone's in such a hurry these days-
Simmons: Yeah yeah yeah, we get the point, wasting time, okay what was the plan, Sarge?
Sarge: You fellas stay here. I'm gonna head up there with Lopez and get that device. Get it, Lopez? Head up there! Score two for Sarge, ding ding!
Lopez: Dios mío.
Cut back to Doc, Andy, Church, Rayner and Caboose.
Doc: Hey guys? I've figured out what's wrong.
Rayner: Yeaaah... And you probably- no, scratch that you will definitely not like it.
Church: What is it Doc?
Doc: Like Rayner said, you're not gonna like the diagnosis.
O'Malley: Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.
Church: Just tell us Doc, we can take it.
Doc: Your friend is-
Caboose: Dying? Oh no!
Doc: No, he's not dying, he just has-
Caboose: No chance to live. I knew it!
Church: Caboose? One more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.
Doc: How do I say this, your friend is ... ...
Church: Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.
Doc: No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.
Caboose: Oh good. ...Wait what?
O'Malley: Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.
Church: Alright, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway.
Rayner: Yes, I am paying for this service. And no, unfortunately we're not gonna get a refund.
Doc: No it's true, we found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. ...I think.
Church: How is that a logical explanation? Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.
Andy: Haha, don't look at me, Tucker's not my type.
Caboose: Pshah, me neither. And, uh maybe we should um have the doctor explain, uh just how, babies are made, yknow, uh, in case someone, in the group, uuh may not exactly know how... that... happens.
Church: Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.
Rayner: Alright Church calm down.
O'Malley: No, you said we had to tell you what was wrong; you didn't say we had to be right, or that we had to fix him, you fool, hahahahaa, read the fine print, classic blunder. Hmhm.
Doc: First of all, I am right. And we are going to help him.
Church and O'Malley: What?
Doc: Look no-one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this, or how to help him, but with heart, and true determination, we can get him through this!
Church: Yeah we don't want heart and determination Doc. What we want is a degree. From an accredited medical institution.
Andy: Yeah. Or four years equivalent work experience!
Doc: (sigh). Come see for yourself.
Church: Fine.
Caboose: Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaard this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started.
Church: Alright, what's wrong. You seem nervous.
Caboose: What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy.
Church: Hey, no one is pregnant. And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this... we gotta have a little talk man.
Rayner: There's a book I've got that you guys can read together.
Caboose: ...I'd like that.
O'Malley: Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, hmhm. Let me get you started: there's three holes. Hahahahahahaaaaa.
Doc: Oh gross.
O'Malley: I meant in the bowling ball.
Church, Rayner and Doc start to head to the base.
Rayner: Wait, hold up.
Church: Tch, what is it now?
Rayner: Church, your sniper.
Church: What?
Rayner: Your sniper. Give it to me.
Church: Nuh Fuck that. I ain't givin' you my sniper rifle!
Rayner: And I'm not letting you shoot Tucker on sight. Even though you most likely won't hit anything I ain't takin' that chance, give it to me.
Church: No.
Rayner: Church.
Church: I won't shoot him on sight. Pinky promise.
Rayner: Church, I can see you hiding your left hand behind your back. Don't worry I won't break it. You can have it back once you accept the reality of the situation.
Church: (pulls his hand that were crossing fingers back out) Tch. Fine!
Church throws his Sniper rifle at Rayner's feet which he then picks up.
Rayner: There we go.
Doc: You guys done yet?
O'Malley: We're paid by the hour so you can take as long as want. Hahahaha.
Rayner: We are not paying you hourly. And yes we're done now.
Church, Rayner and Doc continue tohead off to the base, leaving Caboose and Andy alone in the Gulch. Sarge is sneaking up on them, making silly sneaking-up noises.
Andy: Hey Caboose. Level with me pal. I don't, really look like a bowling ball, do I?
Caboose: No Andy, you're not nearly that fat.
Andy: 'Cause I've been working out ya know. Dumbbells, pushups, crunches-
Sarge: Yoink!
Andy: Whaaa?
Caboose: Andy? Andy? What happened to you?
Lopez: Rápido, antes de que regrese. Cave un agujero y entiérrame. Por favor. [Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.]
Caboose: Andy. You turned in to a real boy!
Cut to Sarge back with the Reds
Sarge: See boys, now that's how you run a successful op. In and out like well lubricated lightning.
Simmons: Where's Lopez?
Sarge: Heh heh, I pulled the old switcharoo. Lopez was the same size and shape as this feller, so I just swapped him out. Just like Indiana Jones woulda done. Heh, they'll never even know he was missing. Thank God he's a little lighter than the last time we saw him.
Andy: Finally, somebody noticed. D'you know how hard it is to maintain this figure?
Grif: You swapped Lopez... for the bomb. Permission to speak insultingly, Sir?
Sarge: Permission denied. You're just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first. Heh heh heh. Now let's translate. Where's Lopez? ... Ah, hell, I'll be right back.
Cut back to Caboose talking with “Andy”
Caboose: Now you see, Andy, now we can go fishing, and you don't have to be the bait any more, and we can go hiking, and we can go camping and you don't have to be the fire any more, and we can go riding together, and now we can hold hands, (voice breaks) and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together.
Sarge: (from a distance) Hey Caboose! You hear something behind you!
Caboose: I do? I wonder what's causing it.
Caboose turns around. Sarge runs in and takes Lopez's head
Sarge: Double yoink!
Caboose: Andy? Oh, my GOD! ANDY!
Cut to reveal that Sarge swapped Lopez's head out for a skull
Caboose: You're dead! How did this happen? You were so young! It's all my fault! I should have seen the warning signs! I didn't even know you were smoking! It worked so fast! You had so much to live for. So much exploding to do. Oh God! Who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without exploding! You hear that God, are you proud of yourself? Now that you've created a world without large explosions. Why couldn't you just take Tucker instead? He can't explode. At least I don't think he can. But even if he could it wouldn't be the same. Andy's exploding was special. My God. Why? Oh Andy!