Trapped.
Helpless.
Overthinking.
Has really been a true friend to me. We ain't have made any promises, gave each other hopes, least expectations held, yet it sticked. All I felt was the feeling of being trapped. Helpless many a times. When the neighbor saw me and my child in a question mark scrutiny. Overthinking, all along it invaded my mind.
I moved out of Kolkata, to let myself drink in the elixir of freedom. I thought freedom is really sweet, beautiful, filled with hope. Free from burden, but I remained unknown to the truth that what I known as freedom was aloneness mixed with aloofness. Freedom was when, I was at my own house, with my parents. Freedom was when, Reyansh kissed my wrist, kissed my crown, heard me out, freeing me from all the unhealthy thoughts.
Surely, I tried to pay less attention to whatever others got to say, whatever interference they had, the questions of my status, my child, my parents. I tried ignoring, started acting like, I don't give a shit.
But, when I seat alone at night, staring at my silhouette, with those words roaming in my mind. That time I knew, it effects. It does effects. Then, a tear would leave my eye, and I would know, that a human can never be free.
He can never be free from his thoughts, from his responsibilities towards himself, from his overthinking mind, from the stinging mistakes of his. He can never be free. And, I knew I had a different perspective to life. And that is how, my last two years spent.
I let go of the hope that asked for freedom.
Just six more hours, to welcome a new year.
I wonder, how this year is going to turn. My husband turned out to be my neighbor, living just a house away, and I pathetically hide his son from him--a sin that begs the question: forgiveness?
As I clasp the railing, one leg dangles, the other pressed against cold marble, desperately trying to peer into my neighbor's home. To no avail, did I saw anyone. Today, I'm hiding out, and I brought Veer with me to Rayer because leaving him here was risky.
I know the truth can never be hidden. Someday by hook or crook it is going to be out. My husband, a guest for a month, dwells just blocks away, a daunting reality for the days ahead.
To add he is here with his whole family, enough to wreck my gut, twist me in hundred possible ways. What if, clouded my sense. What if, he gets to know I reside just a block away from his residence? What if, he finds about his son, about whom he is completely unaware of? And, what if, I finish the two chances he gave me as a mercy? What will it announce as--impacting my life.
The intensity builds, the attraction to the narrative undeniable, as the impending revelation looms, casting a shadow on the fragile threads holding my secrets.
Why the universe is on my back? Are you blind? There is billion of population roaming out there, go and disturb them. Why me? I want to scream out loud. I lick my dry lips, pushing my stomach more on the cold railing, which traced its coldness through my thin t-shirt.
"Kiraz, are you ready- Hey! What are you trynna do?" Kavya makes her presence in the room, with her loud noisy nose. My grip on the railing tightens, keeping my legs on the floor. I twist my neck to look at her. She throws whatever she held in her hand down on the ground, running to me.
Presenting her little drama act.
Clutching me by my forearm, she shakes me, and like a lifeless body, I shake like a dry leave which latched on the stem.
"Don't you trust me. I would listen to you. You have a child to take care off." she rambles, still shaking me. I stare at her, might I add blankly.
"Why you wanted to jump from the balcony?" She keeps going. I keep staring at her.
"Are you done?" I finally speak up, when she falls silent. My head getting the normal flow of blood, but the dizziness from shaking my head remained slightly.
She scoffs, "You should've waited till my tears had come."
Kavya past her dry cheeks, perking her lips out. Shaking my head at her overacting, I move past her, entering my room. Kavya pursing her interest in acting, has made everyone in the house get accustomed to her over-exaggeration.
I pick up the glass jar, pouring water in the glass to sooth my parch throat. I watch her, as she bends down to collect the fallen things from the ground, thrown out in admit of her overacting.
"Where is Veer?" I pause.
Kavya lifts her head, adjusting her scowl, she replies, "In living room doing his drawing." I nod at her, drinking the water.
"But, what were you doing at the balcony?" She again lifts her head, stopping her work of collecting the jewelries. I refuse to answer her by gluing my lips on the brim of the glass.
She keeps the items on the bed, getting up. She waits for me to complete my snail paced drinking. The scowl remained on her face, with an indication that her mind was running faster than my heartbeats.
"Are you also interested in that daddy?" The next moment I choke on the water. I clutch my throat coughing like an old man, beating on my chest. Kavya flews to me, hitting on my back instead of massaging.
"Why are you," I cough, "hitting my back?"
"Hit!? I should've pushed you from the same balcony from where you were peaking in his house. You traitor." She nags.
When my cough subsides a little, I look at her. Furrowing my brows, I utter, "What traitor?"
"Ooh! You committed the crime and didn't even know about it. Is this how your friendship was supposed to be?"
"What I did?"
"You were alone peaking in the daddy's house. Why didn't you call me? We two have peaked in his house together. Don't you know, ek sei bhale do." She latches on my arm.
(Two is better than one.)
The very exact moment, I felt like committing a crime. Precisely, murder of my friend.
Daddy? Yeah, he's my son's daddy. Jealousy wraps around me like a blanket. I twist my lips, placing the glass on the table with a deliberate sound.
"Let's not talk about it," I say, unhooking our arms and walking steadily towards the wardrobe.
"Why shouldn't we be talking about this? Infact, we must seat and talk. Kiraz, he is so hot, and that tattoos are like the cherry on the top." I stop scrambling like a squirrel in my own cupboard. Even though I couldn't clearly make out the look on her face, but I can pretty well guess that she holds a lusty look in her eyes, day dreaming out the man who is my husband. Even though we have no contact since past five years.
I grab a black bodycon dress, clenching my cold fingers on the fabric, then turn to face her. Our eyes lock as she speaks dreamily, "I hardly saw him today. Did you see anything?"
Placing the dress on the bed, I inwardly snap my neck at her. "I was not looking over," I reply, biting my tongue, delivering a lie straight on her face.
"Says every cheap stalker," she tosses a candy in her mouth.
"Hey!"
"What hey!?" She passes me a soar eye.
I sigh, "Okay. I was but I have my reason." I press on the word reason.
She leans her hip on the dressing table, raising a brow, she pronounced, "Bestow me."
My jaw clenched. My head vigorously shake itself, and I find myself uttering a big loud No on her face, startling her.
"Okay, okay. I get it. You being possessive of your new crush. I can feel you." She passes me a sympathetic look. My finger itched to clench my hairs, and throw all sorts of profanities I know at her. For reason. 1, she uses less of her brain. 2, she is getting on my nerve. 3, and the most important, she developed an infatuation on Reyansh.
I press my lips in a tight smile, "I have a party to attend. Let's focus on that."
Her eye glints, when realization drawn on her, the purpose of her entering in my room was not to build her fantasy land with Reyansh, rather to help me in dressing up for the event.
"Ahh! So, what are you going to wear." She muse. Now, she remembers after legit boiling my blood. I point my fingers at the black plain bodycon dress, with ruffled sleeve.
"Nope." I turn to look at her, "Why not?"
"Do you desire to be a black sheep in the party. Kiraz, this dress is definitely not appropriate for fancy parties. On top of that, I even made Bhai wear his tuxedo, even if he is just performing the duty of being a chauffeur of you." She shakes her head, dramatically.
I huff a breath, "Then what?" I open the wardrobe door ajar for her to pick one for me.
She removes her glasses from her head, pushing the frame on her nose.
"I am not wearing a short dress. I don't really want to clatter my teeth in the cold and embarrass myself." I speak immediately, when I watched her getting out a navy blue dress of me.
"Geez! Okay." She puts it back.
She takes out a red shimmering dress alongside a white gown, ushering me to choose one. The red has a sweetheart neck reaching till my ankle. Whereas, the flowing, long white gown is an off-shoulder sleeves contributing a classis aesthetic, creating a prefect blend of grace and modern style. With an elegant heart-shaped neckline accentuates the upper body, giving a touch of sophistication to the design.
"White," I take it from her hand.
"White," Kavya passes me a lopsided smile, "Choosing red over white. You're definitely acting out of character. Kiraz, who never once as simple as a feigning a look at other man, today jumped in her balcony to get a look of her neighbor. What a transformation I am seeing in you. Are they your new year resolution?" she smirks.
I pull my eyebrows in devastation, making me almost face palm me.
"Kavya, why don't you check over your brother."
"Okay." Good for her she didn't stretch the topic, because I was hanging on a loose thread on my patience. I had strangled her.
Washing my face and body. I stand infront of the mirror just in my panties and a strapless bra. My fingers roam along the stretch marks, which draws themselves on my skin. A smile grace on my lips, as my fingers curve along the white lines.
I remember an instance when I asked him, "Aren't these ugly?"
To which, he had pulled me closer, ran his finger on the marks, and kissed me over those marks, which danced on my thigh, and said, "There is nothing like ugly in this world. Looking, at these marks, makes me feel jealous of how thunder printed themselves on your skin, making it different from ordinary skin. The pretty little angles kissed your skin."
He made me cherish those scars, and after Veer's birth, they multiplied. Yet, so did my love for them. I'm not insecure about those marks; they narrate the tale of how courageously I carried a life in my womb.
Though I feel self-conscious about my belly, which still holds some weight, and my breasts, once unnoticeable but now a source of insecurity. I sigh, recognizing the need to embrace my body as it is, even if it's challenging.
Slipping my feet into the gown, I hold my breath and pull it upwards. Releasing the breath, I zip up the dress. It hugs my body perfectly, revealing a slight bulge in my belly and a hint of cleavage. Removing the clip from my hair, I let the waist-length strands cascade down on my shoulders and breasts.
I hate white.
I love red.
Here I am, donned in a white dress, my red hair a vivid testament to my penchant for embracing what I dislike. The contradiction forms a symphony, a peculiar love for indulging in what I hate the most. Life!
Wearing makeup and fixing my hairs, I thrust some cash and my phone in my clutch purse. I make my way downstairs.
"Who is this pretty lady?" My breath catches, heels halting on the final staircase. Some words act as time machines, transporting me back to memories woven with them. Lifting my head, I meet my child's awestruck face, his palm framing his jaw, head supported by the elbow.
"My Mumma," he declares, getting up and running towards me. I bend down, embracing him. He mirrors Reyansh in countless ways. Sometimes, it feels as if Reyansh is still very much a part of my life.
"You're looking so pretty."
I kiss his forehead, confessing, " Thank you. And I love you, meri jaan."
"I love you too."
I take his small palm in mine. "You are sleeping in your Dai maa's room, okay?" he bobs his head, excited for hearing stories from her.
"Are you hungry or you will eat later?"
"Later," he says.
"Mumma, will be late today. Will you be fine?"
"I am the man of the house." He buffs his chest, just like the way Kabir does. I smiled, ruffling his hairs.
"Says, who wets his pants in sleep." Kavya remarks, pulling his legs.
"Says, who puts tones of powder on her skin." Veer shots back.
I sigh, heading to the kitchen for water, listening to Kavya and Veer exchanging remarks about each other's weak points. Mostly, Kavya, as Veer spins unrealistic tales to her.
"Kiraz, are you ready?"
"Yes," I wave my goodbye to the others, offering advance New Year greetings as I settle inside the car. We pass by Nirvan, my gaze lingering on the closed doors. I turn to Kabir, who keeps his focus ahead. I press my lips against their red paint, attempting to articulate my thoughts.
I want him to know about Reyansh living next door. The words linger in my mouth, failing to find a voice. I groan internally, questioning why I'm keeping it locked within. I even contemplated asking Veer, yet I refrained, perhaps fearing hearing something I don't want to.
I flinch when he breaks the silence within the car, "You call me if anything happens. Keep your phone to yourself. Don't drink anything. Pretti and you stick to each other. If some men try to misbehave you know where to kick him. Tell me when you're done-"
"So, that you can come to pick me up." I finish his sentence, bobbing my head sideways.
I turn my body on the leather seat, facing him with squinted eyes, "Kabir, this is like the seventh time you must be saying this to me. I am a twenty-six old adult I can pretty well take care of me."
"I know you can. But I can't help myself worrying over it. This is the first time you would be like going out in such parties. I am worried for you." he looks ahead, driving with a disturbed focus.
"I am sorry. It's just, I really forgot how care feels like."
I avoid his eyes, gulping the lump. He parks the car before the mansion. Panic courses in my veins. Rathore families held parties bigger than this to which I am sort of experienced to. However, Reyansh has always sticked by my side, then. I am all alone to myself, just like the past five years. Exiting the car, a shiver of coldness runs down on my skin, my heart pacing. The fancy cars, fancy dresses made me confident about my dressing style.
Kabir gets down from the car, taking me in his arms. I wrap my arms against his torso. "I will be safe." I promise.
At the end, I did exactly the opposite of it.
••~•~•~•~••
More drama, coming your way. I am so excites for you all to read the next.
If you wish you can read on Scrollstack anytime. Link in Bio.
Hope you are liking it. Do vote and comment even if it's just a heart, I will still be appreciating it. I love to hear from your side.
And I am sorry for being late. My exams are coming so I had been busy there.
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Next Update: Monday
Published: 11Jan, 2023.