Fade in to Donut and Sarge attacking the Blue Base ...sort of.
Donut: If you don't like the plants idea, how do ya feel about a fountain in the armory? That place is so gloomy.
Sarge: Come on, Donut, give it a rest already. I agreed to let you use Grif's helmet as a decorative bird bath, didn't I? Don't oversell.
Donut: Okay, but I have just one more idea. I'm gonna say two words, and then walk away. Chantilly, lace.
Sarge: Unless you're about to start singin' a Big Bopper song, I think the best part of that idea is the walkin' away.
Donut: Let it simmer.
Sarge: Hmm, no sign of any defenses. I think we might be catching Simmons at a weak moment.
Donut: Hmm, no sign of the tank either.
Sarge: Dear God, the madness is spreading! It's only a matter of time before it takes me!
There is the sound of Grif coming up from the grav lift
Grif: Wheeeeeeeee!
Donut: Did you hear that? It sounds like they're having fun in there.
Sarge: Clearly Grif has become so stupid, he's mixed up the yells for pain and happiness! Simmons must be doing absolutely diabolical things to him! Let's give him a few more hours, see if he escapes on his own.
Grif: Simmons I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!
Simmons: Grif just stay down there like you're told.
Donut: Well that's my cue, let's go!
Cut to Simmons inside the Base
Simmons: Grif, stop it I need your help.
Grif: (still going in and out of the grav lift) Go ahead, I'm listening.
Simmons: Would you stop riding that stupid grav lift?
Grif: I can do both at once. And why don't we have one of these things?
Simmons: The tank's been making upgrades to the base over the last few hundred years.
Grif: How did it do that without any tools? Or arms?
Simmons: I don't know, a lot of what she says doesn't match up. I think she might be lying to me.
Grif: You think the enemy's weapons are lying to us? What a surprise!
Simmons: It seems like a setup, I just can't figure out how.
Grif: (getting punched) Ow!
Simmons: I don't know, if I can piece it together maybe that'll help fix things with- Sarge!?
Sarge: Hello, Simmons.
Simmons: Where's Grif?
Sarge: Well this here's a rescue operation. He's unconscious down below, being prepped for evac.
Simmons: If it's a rescue operation, why did you knock him out?
Sarge: Well, all work and no play, you know, heh heh heh.
Simmons: That's dumb.
Sarge: I think you know the proper procedure for submitting complaints, Simmons.
Simmons: Heugh, I'll get my calligraphy pens.
Sarge: Don't bother. I think you also know how we treat traitors on Red Team! (Cocks his Shotgun)
Simmons: I'm guessing you're not cocking that gun to give me a one gun salute in honor of my new promotion.
Sarge: I don't think so. Simmons, just remember, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Simmons: I seriously doubt that, Sir.
Sarge: Well, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you.
Simmons: I don't buy that either.
Sarge: Well I am the one who has to clean the shotgun later, and those solvents smell so-
Church sneaks up on Sarge and knocks him out with the butt end of his sniper rifle.
Church: Booya!
Sarge: Geegagawboh!
Simmons: Ooh, the back of your head.
Church: Well that was close. I've always wanted to say "booya" too, that was awesome. ...Booyeah.
Rayner: Good for you Church. Your first ever win in a fight. Against a guy that has his back turned to you and didn't know you existed.
Church: Oh shut up. Stop being a party pooper
Simmons: Where the hell'd you guys come from?
Church: Huh? Oh, you must be one of the new Blues that took over our base after we left. Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past.
Simmons: Why would I be afraid of someone from the past? People from the future are scary. People from the past are savages and idiots.
Rayner: Exactly. Savages with guns and advance armor. Unless of course, you "future" people discovered the method to immortality.
Simmons: Oh. Right.
Sarge: Whaoweaugh, what the, who hit me?
Simmons: Hurry, quick, before he wakes up, help me get this guy in the hole.
Church: We have a hole? That's kickass!
Rayner: Wait, hole as in a place where we imprison him, or hole as in where we get rid of his body?
Cut to a swamp where Tucker, Caboose, Andy, and Crunchbite are.
Andy: Alright. This, is the Great Swamp. We can rest here a while before we move on.
Tucker: Yeah, let's rest in a swamp, that makes sense.
Andy: Save your energy Tucker, you're gonna need it.
Tucker: Aw screw that. So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster. What's next, we gonna open an unlocked door? Rescue a Princess from herself?
Andy: Hey, Caboose. What's wrong?
Caboose: I think something is following us.
Andy: Yeah. It's been on us since we left. Part of the prophecy talks about something evil that tries to take the Great Weapon.
Tucker: You mean my awesome dead monster killing weapon? It can have it.
Andy: It's attracted to it. It can't live without it.
Tucker: That doesn't sound good. Hey Caboose, come here and hold my sword.
Andy: It's okay, we got a plan. We can make camp, and then we'll tell ya about it.
Caboose: I love camping!
Fade out, then back in. Tucker is asleep and snoring.
Tucker: (snore) ...twins... hm, huh? Hey, guys? Andy? ...Caboose? Alien thing? ... ...Guys? Anybody?
The whatever it is that's following them slowly sneaks up on Tucker as he says this.
Andy: Now Caboose!
The Alien: WHARRRRRG!
Crunchbite jumps on it and starts pummeling it.
Andy: We got it!
Caboose: Is it safe to come out yet?
Andy: Caboose, you were supposed to help.
Caboose: I was helping watch.
Andy: What if somethin' had happened?
Caboose: I'm sure I would have seen it.
Tucker: Hey what the hell, where did you guys go?
Andy: We laid a trap.
Tucker: A trap? You left me all alone!
Andy: Heh heh heh, you can't have a trap without bait!
Tucker: I was the bait?
Caboose: I thought you did a very good job.
Tex: Get off of me you stinky idiot!
Tucker: Tex?
Tex: This is some greeting. I come to help you guys and ya ambush me.
Andy: You weren't comin' to help, you were comin' to steal the sword!
Tex: No I wasn't. I was coming to steal your reward.
Andy: There is no reward. The reward is the sword.
Tex: Oh. Thennn yeah, I guess I'm here to steal the sword.
The Alien: Hurn, blarrr.
Andy: Oh yeah yeah, and also the salvation and emancipation of his species for all eternity.
Tex: Tell you what. I'll go fifty fifty. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.
The Alien: Hurhonk?
Andy: Deal.
Tucker: What do I get?
Tex: You get to live, but no guarantees.
Tucker: That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.
Tex: I'm a woman, and somehow... I don't feel any luckier.
Tucker: I said fine ladies.
Andy: What do you want, Caboose?
Caboose: (deep, serious voice) I want a pony.