*TW, chapter mentions SA*
{Levi's POV}
I couldn't stop thinking about Mercy.
When I walked out of the bathroom and saw her on my bed, I felt my stomach drop.
Her eyes were lit up in fear. Her body trembled with it.
At first, I wasn't sure what happened, but it didn't take long for me to figure out she had another memory resurface in her sleep.
I just didn't realize exactly how bad it was, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I couldn't stop thinking about the fear in her eyes as she tried to catch her breath. I couldn't stop thinking about the blood stains on her pant legs after her shower that I made sure not to point out.
She had already lived through the tortures of her father and his men a thousand times over, but with each memory that surfaced she had to relive it again, and it made my heart ache.
I wished that I could take it all away from her. That I could bare her burdens.
I made a vow outside the walls to keep her hands free of sin and stain so she would never have to live with a conscious like mine, but everything was spiraling out of control and there was nothing I could do about it.
I couldn't change the past.
She was all I could think about, but I thought about her father, too, and the atrocities I would make him endure the moment I met him face to face.
I wanted to track down every hell bound soul that had any attachment, any affiliation, any knowledge of what happened to Mercy in the Underground, and I wanted to make them hurt so bad that they would beg for death. I wanted to bring them to the brink of it so they could stare at the fiery gates of Hell. I wanted them to beat on the locks of the gates and beg to be let in so they didn't have to spend another second under my inflictions. Then, I wanted to pull them back to life and make them suffer through every twisted form of torture I deemed fit over and over again.
My mind turned over as I stared at the floor of Hange's office. I stopped in to tell her about Shannon's incident with Mercy since she never sought me out first.
"Do you think he needs to be interrogated?" Hange asked as I kept my eyes trained to at the floor.
I leaned against the wall behind me and crossed my arms as I let out a deep sigh. I pushed the thoughts away for the moment, but I could still feel the heaviness of Mercy's grief wrap it's weight around my shoulders.
I could feel it tightening it's grip, and knew that I would have to strangle it to death before it beat me to the punch.
"I don't know, Hange," I said. "I don't think he's the mole."
"Then why would he turn on her?"
"Mercy said she told him the truth about Ronnie's death, and how her father offed the girl because of her."
Hange nodded their head and took a seat at their desk.
"You tore him up pretty good," they said as they lifted their gaze to me.
I continued to stare at the floor.
I knew that Shannon deserved what he got, but I also knew that Mercy had too much forgiveness in her heart to forget about him and let him go, but I was still worried she'd never forgive me for what I did to him.
"How bad?" I asked quietly.
"You were one punch away from ripping his jaw from his face," Hange said flatly. "He needed two stitches across one cheek, three across the other and one on his lower lip. He's on bed rest with a severe concussion, but he shows no signs of long term trauma."
"Good."
"You think it's good that you ripped the kid's face to shreds?" Hange asked tiredly as they took their glasses off and rubbed their eye.
"He decided his fate the moment he laid a hand on her," I said firmly as I lifted my gaze to them. "But it's good that he'll come out of this with no long term damage."
Hange put their glasses back on and leaned back in their chair.
"It's weird seeing you look on the brighter side of things for once," Hange scoffed and crossed their arms over their chest.
"Got tired of being a pessimist, I guess."
"Maybe," they said slowly. "Or maybe it has something to do with your new living situation."
"What's that suppose to-"
"I'm just teasing you," Hange laughed as of their normal personality had taken reigns over their Commander personality. "Has the transition been okay?"
"Weird... At first," I said as my eyes fell to the ground again. "Can't complain."
"Has she had any new memories surface?"
I stared at them blankly.
I could've just told them that she hadn't had any memories pop up since the last ones I told her about, but I knew it was in my best interest to tell them the truth.
"Yeah, she has," I said nonchalantly, hoping it would make them drop the subject, but I knew better.
"What about?" Hange asked excitedly as they leaned forward on the table.
I stared at their interested posture and expectant gaze.
Hange always saw Mercy as a good soldier, but they also saw her as some sort of experiment even if knowing Mercy's memories was beneficial to her case.
I knew that they would pry it out of me no matter what, but I had to try.
"Nothing important."
"Oh, come on," Hange said as they blew raspberries. "No detail is too small."
"I don't want to get into this right now, Hange."
"Why?" they asked dubiously as they leaned back in the chair. They raised an eyebrow at me.
"It's... not anything that will help her case," I sighed and looked back to the floor. "Just something that happened to her while she was underground."
"Levi," they started seriously, "I need to know everything. Not only will it help me get a timeline of her years Underground, but every detail matters because if we can get every detail then we'll have the whole story."
"Hange," I said firmly as I stared back at them. "I'm asking you as your right hand man and as your friend to drop it."
"Levi-"
"Goddamnit, Hange, I said drop it," I growled.
I wasn't angry at them, and I felt bad for making it seem that way, but I felt helpless.
I was angry at Mercy's father and at his men.
I was angry at myself.
Hange stared at me blankly for several moments as I collected my thoughts.
"I am your friend, Levi," Hange began, "but I'm your 14th Commander, too. As your friend, I understand this is all troubling, but as your Commander... I need you to get the hell over it."
"So you're pulling rank now?" I scoffed. "Thought you were the humble type."
"Levi, that is e-"
"Is it really that crucial to know, or is it because you just want to turn the details over in your brain for your own experimental entertainment?"
"That is enough!"
They stood up and slammed their hands on the table, and I let myself lean back against the wall behind me once again.
There was no reason for me to treat them that way.
"I'm sorry, Hange," I said quietly and I could see them perk up in surprise to my apology.
"It's okay," they reassured. "I know it's tough for both of you, but-"
I couldn't take it anymore.
"They raped her, Hange," I said quietly as each poisonous word dripped slowly from my lips and pooled at my feet.
I looked up to them, and they stared blankly back at me, but I could see in their eyes the shock. They didn't know what to say, and I couldn't blame them for it, but every breath I took felt tainted after uttering those putrid words.
I breathed that soiled breath out and poured every toxic word that welled inside me with it. It felt like my life depended on it.
"I knew they beat her," I said, shakily. "I knew he cut her and they tore her apart, and I did my best to carry on with the knowledge of it all... It's taken every ounce of will I have not to storm the underground and rip each and every one of them to shreds."
Hange stared at me as I spoke, expressionless, but I could still feel the venom of Mercy's past infecting my innards.
"But this..." I laughed hollowly and shook my head. "This, I can't take."
"Levi, I'm sorry for what happened," Hange said calmly, "and I understand your craving for revenge, but-"
"There is no 'but,'" I scoffed. "The man and his bastard accomplices are still roaming the underground while she relives every goddamn nightmare they put her through."
My lungs were full of toxic air as I sat with my grief for Mercy, and Hange shook their head.
"We will apprehend them when-"
"Apprehend?" I sneered and let my arms fall to my sides as I stepped forward. "Are you not listening to me?"
"Levi-"
"Those goddamn men took her fucking innocence before she even had a chance to be innocent!" I screamed as I took another step toward them.
Hange took a deep breath and straightened their posture.
"Listen to me," they said calmly, but I had heard enough. I knew what needed done. "Ed is going to report back to us about his findings tonight. We'll have all the information we need to launch a mission underground to-"
"Do we not have enough information already?" I said through a manic smile that made Hange step backward. "How about you go find Mercy and see for yourself. Take a look at the burn marks that riddle her body, o-or the discoloration around her joints and limbs from every dislocation or break! Go take a look at her back and try to keep track of every goddamn scar without losing count!"
Hange took a step back as I stepped closer, their eyes growing nervous.
I was losing it.
"Go, Hange," I scoffed. "Go see the aftermath of those monsters for yourself, and then come find me so you can look me in the eyes and tell me that they don't need to die a miserable death!"
"Levi, you need to calm your-"
"I'm done with this fucking conversation," I hissed as I made my way toward the door.
"Where are you going?" they asked nervously as they were hot in my tail.
"To get justice," I laughed as I opened the door.
"No the hell you're not," Hange declared as they came up beside me and slammed the door shut.
I could feel my heartbeat in my temples and the emptiness in my chest.
I tried to breathe it out. I tried to rid myself of the guilt and the thirst for revenge, but every breath of air I sucked in only seemed to fuel the fire.
I stared at the grain of the door as my hands clutched the door knob, my knuckles glowed white.
I moved my eyes to Hange, and could see their nostrils flare with anticipation, but they held their ground.
"Get out of my way, Hange," I said calmly, but each word fell shakily off my tongue.
"Levi," they began in a soothing tone. "I know... I know they deserve everything horrible that this world has to offer, but you need to think about this."
"You don't know," I whispered as my eyes stared forward once again. "You don't understand."
"I do, Levi. I understand, but you are going to get yourself killed going down there unprepared and you know that."
"I don't care anymore," I said as my eyes welled with tears.
"I know you don't mean that."
"Let me die," I whispered. "Let me get justice for her and let me disappear."
"Why are you saying th-"
"Let me go," I said with closed eyes.
"No," they said firmly. "I know you're upset, but do you really want to leave Mercy behind? Do you really want to give up and leave everyone? Do you-"
"I don't deserve her. I never did... Let me go."
"Just stop, Levi," Hange sighed. "She would be devastated if you-"
"No she wouldn't," I whispered as my eyes stung with hot tears.
"Why? Where the hell is this coming from?" they demanded.
I turned my head to them.
"If she knew the truth..." I sighed. "She'd want me dead anyway."
"What are you talking about?" Hange asked with furrowed eyebrows as they tried to find an answer in my expressions.
"Everything she's going through is my fault," I whispered through a trembling breath.
"How is it your fault?" they asked as they shook their head.
The hole in my chest seemed to deepen as my body carried the weigh of all the guilt and the grief.
It was crippling.
"It just is, Hange."
"But how?"
I couldn't take it anymore.
The weight. The yearning for revenge and the debilitating remorse. The grief constricting itself around me.
I slammed my palm against the door, which made Hange jump backwards.
"Goddamnit!" I shrieked against its panels as it all came crashing down.
"Levi-"
I slammed my fist against the door.
Hange stepped toward me and reached for my shoulder, but I was already pulling mine back for another.
Slam.
Slam.
Slam.
I couldn't stop.
"Levi!" Hange shouted in my ears as their hand grabbed my arm.
I ripped it away from them and took a step back as a I tried to catch my breath. Blood dripped from my knuckles as I paced around the room and my mind spiraled into insanity.
I walked circles around the room as Hange stood by the door and stared at me with worry.
"It's not your fault, Levi."
"Yes it fucking is!" I screamed as I picked up her desk chair and threw it against the wall.
It shattered, sending splinters of wood in every direction.
Stop, a voice whispered in my head.
Mercy's voice.
Mercy's sweet, angelic voice.
I crumbled to the ground and held my hands to my head as blood dripped down my sleeve.
I could feel Hange's presence next to me, and felt them sit down beside me.
We sat there for several moments as I cried out every drop of anger I had.
They placed their hand on my shoulder.
"I don't know why you think it's your fault," they began, "But I know Mercy loves you, and I know you love her... I know you want justice and revenge and I promise it'll come, Levi."
I soaked up every word they had to say as I wiped my tears with my bloody sleeve.
Ding.
Ding.
Ding.
The hourly bell echoed around us.
"I'm sorry, Levi."
"Yeah..." I sniffed and took a deep breath. "I've never been like this, Hange. No matter how many good people we've lost or how much pain any of us have been through I've always been able to keep it together... Why can't I-"
"You've never been in love before," Hange chuckled. "You've never had so much to lose."
I nodded my head.
It wasn't like I didn't care for my comrades. It wasn't like I didn't care about what was going on around us. All the bloodshed and the heartache. It hurt me to my core to see it all firsthand, and to see the aftermath.
Like when Petra's father approached me after the Female Titan slaughtered her and the rest of my squad.
I kept a straight face. I kept my cool, but inside I felt like I was dying.
When it came to Mercy, I couldn't keep all of my emotions under control. When it came to her, control was a long lost memory.
"I know you're hurting, but I also know that it's three o'clock, and you only have one hour to get ready for the banquet so..." they rose to their feet and stretched their hand out. "Get off your ass, clean yourself up and go take that beautiful girl of yours to the banquet."
With everything going on in my head I had almost forgotten about the banquet.
I looked up at them and flashed a subtle grin, something they weren't use to, and let them lift me to my feet.
"And when it's over," Hange continued, their voice growing serious, "You're going to come clean about what you've been keeping from me."
I stared at them for a long time without saying a word.
I didn't want anyone to know, or even let my voice carry the words of the truth, but I knew that if anyone were to deserve to know it would be Hange, and if shit hit the fan they'd know what to do.
I nodded my head and walked out of their office as if I didn't just have a complete meltdown.
I knew that Mercy was across the building and probably wasn't able to hear the ruckus, but part of me still worried.
After all she'd been through I wanted her to have a good night, and to let go of her troubles even if it was only for a few hours.
I couldn't take them away, but at least I could do that.
I went back to my place to clean myself up. I took a shower and scrubbed the dried blood off my fists and my arms, and made sure to soak my shirt so the blood would come out.
After my hair dried I put on one of my Scout uniforms that the banquet called for: grey slacks, ODM boots, green Scout overcoat and my ruffled cravat.
I stared in the mirror at myself and laughed.
It took less than half an hour for me to get ready, but Mercy had been prepping for hours. It made me feel guilty, really, but at the same time it made me chuckle.
I grabbed Mercy's cloak from the dresser and headed toward the HQ building.
I arrived just in time: our horse and carriage was ready to transport us to the Inner City.
I made my way into the building after tossing her cloak into the carriage, but wasn't sure what room they had her in.
"Mercy!" I called as I began checking every room. "Oi, Sasha! Mikasa!"
My voice echoed around me, but a door opened across the hallway. I turned to see Sasha's beady eyes staring at me.
"Uhm..." She started. "She's not ready yet."
"The hell you mean?" I laughed and took a step closer, but she quickly squeezed through the door and shut it behind her. "I put all six of you brats on this task and it's still not done?"
"There was a minor set back," she laughed suspiciously. "No biggie."
"What was it?"
"Well," she took a deep breath, "I don't know why and she seemed to not know either, but her legs had scrapes all over them and the bleeding took forever to stop-"
"Is she okay?" I asked quickly as I took a step closer.
"Yeah, she's okay," she said. "She got a little smear of blood on her dress... We already had her makeup done, and she started crying about it so we had to redo it and it's just been a journey but she's almost ready."
My heart ached.
"Let me in," I said as I stepped closer but Sasha quickly put her back against the door and shook her head.
"Not 'til she's ready mister," she scolded as she pointed a finger in my face.
"Sasha..." I said flatly. "Let me in."
"But-"
"That's an order."
She squinted her eyes at me and sighed as her hand reached for the door knob.
"Yessir," she said sarcastically as she began to open the door. "But keep your eyes closed."
"Sasha-"
"That's an order," she said firmly and held her ground against my annoyed stare.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
"Okay."
As she opened the door I could hear my squad's babbling.
"I don't know, Connie," Jean groaned. "What kind of question even is- Oh, look, it's Captain Levi."
Sasha led me through the door as my eyes stayed shut.
"I'm almost done with her hair," Mikasa mumbled from across the room as Sasha gently closed the door and made me put my back to it.
"Oh, we almost forgot her earrings," Armin laughed as footsteps thudded against the flooring.
"You almost done, Mikasa?" Eren asked as Armin's footsteps thudded against the ground once more.
"I literally just said that I was. Don't rush me," Mikasa said, unamused.
"Just wait 'til you see her, Cap," Jean's voice grew closer. "You might fall over dead."
"I know I did," Connie laughed in the distance.
"Alright... I'm done," Mikasa said through a sigh.
"Okay, Captain," Sasha said excitedly. "Open your eyes."
I opened my eyes to see half of my squad crowded in the corner of the room, their eyes bright and all staring at me. I could see Sasha in my peripherals as she stood beside me, while Jean and Connie gawked at me from across the room.
I focused in straight ahead as my heart pounded in my chest.
"Have mercy," I whispered as I took the sight in.
Before me stood an angel. She glowed beneath the tired rays of the setting sun that poured through the window above her.
My eyes fell to the ground beneath her as I slowly took every inch of her in.
She wore a forest green ballgown made of silk that flowed from her body. The center was tapered out to reveal drapes of white silk underneath.
I scanned my eyes upward.
A classy, golden belt cinched her waist. The dress hugged her upper body as if it was made for her.
The sleeves were ruffled around her shoulders, but hung off of them effortlessly. They hung loosely from her arms, but clung to her wrists as golden bracelets secured them.
I trailed my eyes upward, taking in every piece of her as I did.
A sweetheart neckline showcased her beauty perfectly, and a large, green lace necklace covered her upper chest and crawled up her neck with grace.
And then I saw the angel's face.
I had always found her effortlessly and unapologetically beautiful. It didn't matter if her face was contorted in anger, or blushed with sadness and fiery tears. She was always stunning, even at her worst, but in that moment it really did feel like I could fall over dead.
Holy...shit.
Her supple lips shined a rosy pink while her cheekbones were blushed with an even sweeter tone of it. Her nose came to a dignified point and glistened in the sunlight as if one of the god's above had just finished sculpting it.
Her eyes... They held the stars and the heavens in them so profoundly I felt that my heart would burst. They showcased tenfold the beauty of every lustrous forest known to man. Her eyelashes seemed longer, and I worried they'd blow me away with every blink.
Her arched eyebrows furrowed slightly as I stood there in awe, and her lustrous hair was pulled back into a braided updo while wispy pieces of her bangs framed her face.
I'd never seen something, someone, anything so fucking beautiful in my life.
The angel that radiated before me let her eyes fall to the ground in embarrassment at my staring while my squad murmured to each other words I couldn't understand.
All I could see was my beautiful Mercy.
"Say something, jackass," Jean laughed from the corner of the room.
I took a deep breath as Mercy continued to stare at the ground.
"All of you," I announced to my squad while my eyes stayed fixated on her. "Get out."
After several mumbled grievances, I stepped forward and let my squad file out behind me, but made sure to stop Sasha before she made her exit.
"Sasha," I said quietly, and she stopped in her tracks and stared at me expectantly. "Thank you," I said as I shot her a quick look. She smiled and nodded her head and before I knew it I was alone in a room with the most divine creature to ever grace this world.
"I feel silly," Mercy chuckled as her eyes slowly met mine and she placed her hands behind her back.
"How could you?" I laughed as I approached her.
"I've never worn a dress or makeup, and-"
I gently grabbed her face and pulled her into a kiss before she could degrade herself any further.
To speak ill of herself should've been considered a sin.
My heart continued to beat a deep rhythm against my ribs as my lips enveloped hers. They were warm as they locked with mine, and tasted sweeter than honey.
I pulled our lips apart and placed my forehead against hers as I took in a slow, deep breath. She lifted her arms and wrapped her hands around my wrists.
"I got blood on my dress," she whispered with sadness.
"I know," I whispered back. "It's okay. I'll get it to come out."
"They all tried to but they couldn't," she said shakily.
I pulled my head back to take her in once more.
Her eyes were welled with tears.
"That's because they don't know how to clean," I chuckled and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, but even my jesting didn't seem to raise her spirits.
I tilted my head and looked between both of her eyes.
"Why are you upset?"
"I stained my dress," she said shakily as I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I promise I'll get it out," I reassured.
I moved my hands over and tried to wipe the tears from the corners of her eyes with my thumb without disturbing her simple makeup.
"I know," she said through a shuddered breath as she nodded her head. "I-It's just.. I was scared that I ruined it and I didn't mean to scrub my legs that hard and-"
I wrapped my arms around her and pressed her against me before she could continue.
"It's okay, Mercy," I whispered before I pulled us apart.
She nodded her head and flashed a small smile that made my heart go haywire once again.
It didn't matter what was going on in the world. It didn't matter what was happening around us. We could've been standing in a burning building as death creeped up behind us, but as long as I died seeing her beautiful smile I would've been content.
"I'm sorry that I'm such a mess," she laughed through a sniff. "I'm never this damn emotional..."
"You're far from a mess, Mercy. I don't even know if there are words that exist to describe how beautiful you look," I smirked.
"You know, you clean up nice, too," she said through a mischievous smile and I couldn't help but grin.
"There it is," I laughed as I grabbed her hand. "Now let's get out of here."