Fade in to Sarge talking to people.
Sarge: Alright men. Donut. Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia-
Simmons: The tank was real!
Sarge: And he's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-
Simmons: Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge, that was Donut wearing a powdered wig!
Donut: Over- huhem, ahuhh, (in a deeper voice now) overruled. Shame on you. Hurr.
Sarge: We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second in Command, here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Simmons: WHAT!?
Sarge: And since Simmons is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cuckooness, and since Grif is ineligible-
Grif: Or because I don't wanna compete?
Sarge: Because you're ineligible!
Grif: No, I just don't want to compete.
Sarge: Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!
Grif: (sigh) Whatever.
Donut: I guess that means I get the job, because I'm unopposed, which is the same way I got "Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school.
Sarge: Actually Donut, I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against.
Donut: Huh?
Sarge: We've located an old wrench used by Lopez, and this skull of unknown origin. Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards.
Donut: Hyes. You guys are goin' down. In yo face wrench, in yo face! Take that, bonehead, ha ha ha, woo!
Sarge: You will be competing against each other in a series of gruelling events, in order to gain my attention. First up, the obstacle course, Grif! Get the alligators!
Grif: I thought I was ineligible.
Sarge: To earn my respect, dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.
Simmons: Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! Hahahahow!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.
Sheila: I don't think so.
Simmons: Shut up, you ruined my life.
Cut to Caboose talking to ...nobody?
Caboose: I think I will call him Crunchbite.
Andy: Eh, that's a stupid name.
Caboose: Uh, well I think it's better than your suggestion. Crouchosaurus?
Church: Caboose, who're you talkin' to- HOLY SHIT!
Alien: Blargh!
Caboose: Stop! He is my friend.
Alien: Blargharg.
Church: Wait, he's already tied up?
Tex: Huh, would ya look at that. I guess he did do better than you Church.
Church: Yeah but where is he?
They turn to the side and see Rayner who is sprawled out on the ground.
Rayner: *mumbles* Uuuuhh... this pain... this is different pain... This is new, this is new pain... uuugghh.
Caboose: Don't worry he's not going to eat anybody.
Andy: Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat.
Alien: Blargh.
Tex: He thinks we stink?
Alien: Blargh blargh.
Tex: It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here.
Alien: Blargh?
Church: Is this thing actually safe now?
Caboose: Absolutely, he has not tried to bite me, at all.
Alien: Hnnk!
Caboose: Since he bit me the first time.
Andy: Heheh yeah, that was hilarious.
Caboose: I think I might need a tetanus shot.
Alien: Blargh blargh, blargh hnnk blargh.
Church: Whoa, that thing's breath smells like infected cheese on a hotplate. (cough)
Tucker starts coming down the ramp.
Alien: Blargh, blargh!
Andy: I don't think he liked that.
Tucker: Hey! Rayner did it. But where did he get that rope–Whoa, man, what is that stench?
Alien: Blargh.
Tucker: Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here?
Alien: Blargh.
Tucker: It smells like old yogurt.
Alien: Largh, whargh, wharharhrgh.
Tucker: Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?
Alien: Hnnk!
Caboose: That's exactly what he said right before he bit me.
Alien: Largher, hnnk! Hrarhrh.
Tex: You understand what he's saying?
Alien: Largh... (etc, just kinda keeps going in the background)
Church: Whey hey wait, I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think that blarghs come after honks. Or, vice versa.
Caboose: I think, I think blargh means, me, or, apples. Guys, Apples must be the name of his cat! Quick, quick, is- is Apples stuck in a tree? I will call the fire department.
Church: Mister Huge Alien, do you understand what we are saying?
Alien: Wharrrgh!
Church: I have no idea if that means yes or no.
Caboose: Totally blows away your vice versa theory. Sorry.
Tucker: You two are retarded. You're not gonna be able to figure out alien language by experimentation, give it up.
Church: You don't know that!
Tucker: You don't even know how they talk. What if their language isn't entirely verbal? It could be part telepathic, or via smells. Whoh.
Church: Well if it's via smells then you should be fluent in the language already. Jackass.
Alien: Hnnk!
Church: Oh shut up, you're not helping.
Caboose: Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head!
Church: What? What was it?
Caboose: It was a voice, saying, "Blargh blargh blargh honk."
Church: That wasn't in your head Caboose, he just said that. You're just so dumb you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain figures out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened.
Caboose: ...
Alien: ...
Caboose: ... That's not true. Wait! I hear something else in my head! It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me! Quick, Tucker, get a ladder!
(Alien continues blarging)