Fade in to Grif, Simmons and Donut standing in front of the Warthog
Simmons: I'm telling you it was here. It drove by while you were talking. You had your back turned, and it went zoom right behind you!
Donut: Well it really sounded like Ehhhhhhhhrchugachugachur-ah, my leg ah!
Simmons: That's not the important part of the story, Donut!
Sarge: Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality.
Simmons: No I'm not, Donut saw it!
Donut: Yeah.
Sarge: Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.
Donut: Yeah.
Sarge: Aw hell, he'd eat a spoon full of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate.
Donut: (gasp) That's not true!
Sarge: Huhuh, so that's where you draw the line?
Donut: No I mean it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate, right? Seriously, right?
Simmons: Okay, Grif saw it too. We all saw it.
Grif: I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.
Simmons: What?
Grif: Tank you say? I have no idea what you're talking about. I was too busy paying attention to our Sargeant while he gave us our orders.
Simmons: Oh really, well what did he say?
Grif: Something inspiring about beating the Blues, and the base or the flag er, or something. I'm pretty sure he mentioned a pole cat too, I was getting a little emotional at the end.
Sarge: You see Simmons? Some soldiers know how to pay attention.
Grif: Wow, that might be the first time you've ever actually compli-
Sarge: Shut up dirtbag.
Simmons: Grif, you just told us two minutes ago that you saw it.
Grif: Hyeah, I know, but it's a lot more fun this way.
Cut to Rayner, Tucker, Caboose, Tex, and the ghost of Church outside the complex.
Church: Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there.
Andy: Heh haeh, you never looked better!
Church: Hey shut up, Andy! You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?
Church: Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were runnin' straight backwards.
Tex: This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets. Besides that was what Rayner was for.
Rayner: You know, in hindsight we probably didn't need a far away sniper considering our target was inside a building with limited view from the outside.
Tex: You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter.
Tucker: Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?
Church: Well it wouldn't be if someone was a little more proactive in his role. (looks at Rayner)
Rayner: Did you already forget what I said I joined the army for? I wanted to go easy, not go hard.
Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow.
Church: Stop. Y'know what, I don't care. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero.
Rayner: ...
Tucker: ...
Caboose: ...
Church: What.
Tucker: Huh, well, Church you're kind of a long way from "hero." Wouldn't it have been better to say "I don't care if I'm a participant?" Or maybe bystander?
Church: Shut up.
Rayner: Or annoying complaining commentator.
Church: Screw you, Rayner!
Caboose: Or a decoy.
Church: Hey, Caboose, don't help them okay?
Tex goes in
Tucker: Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?
Sound of a punch or something, and Tex's ghost materializes behind them
Tex: Oh crap.
Church: Nope.
Rayner: Ahahahahahaha!
Cut to Grif and Sarge watching Simmons watch Donut flying the motorcycle
Simmons: Come on Donut, give someone else a turn!
Donut: Wait, wait, I wanna show you guys a bunny hop I'm workin' on. Look! N- no wait, now, he- look, look- awh, oh man, I was totally doin' it earlier, why weren't you guys watching then?
Simmons: I need it to find the tank!
Donut: Wheeeee! Woooooo! Woohooo!
Sarge: Grif. I wanna share something with you. And you can't let Simmons know.
Grif: Whatever.
Sarge: I think that Simmons has gone mad. It's probably some kind of Time Travel Post Traumatic Repetitive Stress Syndrome. In scientific terms, he's developed Cranial Insanitosis. Basically, he's gone bonkers.
Simmons: (over the radio) Sarge, I'm not crazy, I really saw a tank.
Sarge: And apparently he's developed some kind of mutant telepathy power. Clear your mind Grif, he can hear your thoughts!
Simmons: No, you guys just left your mics on again. I keep telling you not to do that 'cause you're just wasting the batteries. Oh and guess who rechar-
Sarge: Clearly he's sabotaging us with his superior technology. Grif, I need you to step up to the plate. You're my Number Two man now.
Grif: Does that mean more work?
Sarge: Of course. You'll have to do Simmons' regular duties on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with.
Grif: So basically just Simmons' duties then.
Sarge: Right. Luckily we still have Donut, so no-one has to fill in his shoes. Donut! Combat situation!
Donut: Yes Sir, I'm on it. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! (continues screaming like a woman)
Sarge: What a pro. Simmons, I mean Grif! Establish a perimeter!
Grif: Huh? What's that?
Sarge: Make a border around us, and make sure no enemy crosses it.
Grif: Huh, that sounds like a lot of effort. Can't I just go back to being Number Three again?
Sarge: Number Three? Whaddaya mean 'Number Three'?
Grif: Oh right, Donut. Can I go back to being Number Four then?
Sarge: And Lopez.
Grif: Fine. I'll be Number Five, I don't care.
Sarge: I don't know, that O'Malley guy can really work a rocket launcher.
Grif: But he's the enemy!
Sarge: I'm not real particular. Now get to work on that perimeter! Bogey approaching!
Simmons: Sir I really think we should be looking for that tank.
Sarge: Hold on a minute. Let's just take it easy there, Private First Class Dick Simmons.
Grif starts drawing in the dirt with a sniper rifle
Simmons: But I- hey, what? Why did you use my full name?
Sarge: Grif, what in Sam hell are you doin'?
Grif: I secured your perimeter Sir. Now I'm gonna go over to the chow hall and secure some Oreos. I got a diet to keep up. Break time! (starts running to the base)
Sarge: Honeymoon's over, numbnuts! You're back down to Number Seven!
Grif: Oh yeah? Well I saw the tank too!
Cut back to the Blues and the dead Blues. Rayner is still laughing his ass off in the background.
Tucker: Maybe Caboose should try talking to him.
Caboose: Uhh, what would I say?
Tucker: Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church.
Caboose: Mmm... good times.
Church: You know I actually like that idea.
Tex: You do? (Rayner's long ass laughing high in the back) Will you shut up already!?
Rayner: Ahaha, oooh, hooo, hehe... Tex... got beat by a... haha... single alien haha!
Tex: Your lucky I just lost my body. As if you can do better than me anyway.
Rayner: (suddenly stops laughing and is now serious) Wanna bet? You're on.
Rayner walks into the base to confront the slimy teethy abomination.
Tucker: ...
Tex: ...
Church: ... Huh. I think he might've gotten far--
The sound of multiple punches? is heard as well as an idiots screaming.
Rayner: (far away) Waaaaah! My toes! My arm! My eyes! Aaaaaaaahhh!
Church: Ah, there it is.
Rayner: My organs! My vital organs! Gaaaaah!
Church: Okay, back to Caboose being ambassador. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.
Caboose: I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!
Tucker: Get away from me freak!
Church: You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.
Tex: (at the top of the ramp) There's my body. I don't see Rayner anywhere. I guess he did get further than me.
Church: Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you.
Tex: You know I wonder, if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?
Church: Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now.
Rayner: The ping pongs! What about the ping pongs—Ooh.
Suddenly the beating goes quiet.
Tucker: ... Rayner you still in there?
Silence.
Church: Caboose get in there.
Caboose: Okay!
Cut to Caboose sneaking up on the bomb.
Caboose: Hey Andy. Say, have you seeeeen, Rayner and, something, it's a big uh, slimy, like alien looking thing it's uhhh, it's shaped just kinda like that shadow that's on the ground next to you. Oh.