Fade in to the blues, with Tucker holding the weapon of mass destruction
Church: You got this thing where?
Tucker: Right up there.
Caboose: So... You went back in time, and didn't change... anything.
Church: Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer.
Caboose: I would have tried to save your life. ...From me!
Church: Yeah, I didn't think of that.
Tucker: (to Rayner) You still think the time traveling shit is fake?
Rayner: I guess I'm a bit more flexible on the notion now. With Church's recounting it's either he really did travel to the past or it was all just some sort of simulation in his head. But still, the whole 'destroying the present' shit is still a load of hogwash.
Tucker: Yeah that still doesn't make sense to me.
Rayner: As it should.
Church: Hey, Tucker, I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing.
Tucker: You're just pissed because you don't have one.
Church: No, you must have me confused with Tex. She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing.
Cut to Tex staring at the weapon like it's the last piece of cheesecake.
Tex: ...That's not true.
Church: You haven't taken your eyes off it.
Tex: Yes I have.
Church: Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'?
Tex: I'm looking at you right now. (still looking at the sword)
Church: Nu-hoh you're not!
Tex: I've already seen you. Not too impressed.
Rayner: Damn, girl's thirsty. (Tex shot at him but he ducks under it) Y'know when you're shooting someone you're supposed to be looking at them.
Caboose: I would have tried to save Tex, too...
Church: Well I didn't, Caboose. I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I sure as hell didn't make millions of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from goin' off.
Caboose: Oh. (whispering) Because that was my next suggestion.
Church: Leave me alone, Caboose. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline.
Caboose: Time... line? (scoffs) Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round.
Tex: Man, that thing is really shiny.
Tucker: Yep.
Church: Tucker man, I still think- The computer told me that thing is a very important relic for some ancient culture. I wouldn't go swinging it around like that.
Tucker: Yeah? Well I think it's just a kickass piece of bling. And who're you gonna believe? Me, or some super-smart, stupid talking computer?
Cut to Sarge addressing Grif and Simmons
Sarge: Men, thanks for meeting on short notice, so covertly.
Grif: No problem. I had to move my lunch with the Pope, but uh, he was cool with it. He owes me. I helped him pick the hat.
Simmons: Shut up.
Sarge: I don't want the blues finding out about this meeting, so I want us all to agree here and now we're gonna keep this between ourselves.
Grif: Sir I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly buddy-buddy with those guys anyway.
Simmons: Eh, I'm not really in the market for new friends. I'm not sure that I'm happy with the current crop.
Grif: No offense, Sarge.
Sarge: Grif, tell us what you discovered on the radio.
Grif: Me?
Simmons: Um, actually, I'm the one who heard the distress signal.
Sarge: Uh huh. Well see, I thought-
Grif: Yeah, I can't use the radio.
Simmons: Yeah, I discovered the distress signal. That was me.
Sarge: I don't know how I got that mixed up.
Simmons: It's okay sir, as long as everyone's clear who heard it first.
Sarge: Sorry about that, Simmons.
Grif: Why do you care?
Simmons: No really sir, it's no problem. I think it's important to get proper credit when some of us are working hard discovering distress signals on the Warthog's radio, while others are hanging out in the back seat, monkeying about!
Grif: Okay, first off, monkeying about? And secondly, I don't think listening to the radio classifies as working. And thirdly, monkeying about? Come on, dude.
Simmons: It's a real phrase.
Grif: Bullshit! That's what you said about horse-doodling.
Simmons: People say it all the time.
Grif: What people?
Simmons: Oh lots of people, all the time. But nobody you would know.
Sarge: No need to get upset fellas, I think we're all clear now. Simmons is the one who heard the distress signal, and Grif was the one monkeying around.
Simmons: About.
Sarge: Say who now?
Simmons: Monkeying, about.
Grif: Yeah, people say it all the time sir, you'll wanna get it right. Otherwise you'll sound like a jackass.
Sarge: Can we please get back to the purpose of this meeting!?
Grif: Yeah, what is the purpose exactly?
Sarge: I wanted Simmons to tell us he heard a distress signal on the radio. Okay, go ahead Simmons.
Simmons: ... Uhm, I heard a distress signal... while listening to the radio.
Grif: I know, I was in the car with you when you heard it! In fact, why are we even having this meeting? Everyone here already knows you heard a distress signal on the radio!
Sarge: I just wanna make sure everyone is on the same page.
Grif: Same page? There's only one page! You know what the page says? Simmons heard a God damn distress call on the radio! The end.
Simmons: Oh look, down there at the bottom, it also says P.S. Grif was monkeying about.
Grif: Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut, and he's not even here!
Sarge: That's because I asked Donut to distract the blues so we could have this secret meeting.
Cut to Donut distracting the blues. Tex is still staring at the weapon.
Donut: And that's the story of how I saved Christmas!
Caboose: I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything.
Tucker: Yeah, and I don't think Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit.
Rayner: I actually kinda like it. Definitely gives it a more unique vibe compared to the classic jolly good man. I wish Santa is always like that.
Church: Hey, wait a second. Why are we letting this pink guy distract us?
Donut: I'm not distracting you.
Church: Yeah you are! While we're sitting here jabbering, the reds are over there monkeying about!
Donut: Yes!