Fade in to Future Church watching Donut, Tex, Tucker and Rayner before they go in the teleporter to Sidewinder
Sheila: Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.
Tucker: Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.
Donut: Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.
Rayner: Thank god I already filled up on some steak before I got here.
Sheila: Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.
Tex runs through the teleporter, then Donut and Tucker.
Rayner: Bye Sheila, we'll come back for you soon.
Sheila: I'll be waiting.
Future Church runs across the Blue Base to Sheila
Sheila: Church! I thought you left with Grif. Back already?
Future Church: I hate to tell you this Sheila, but none of us are comin' back. Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program in to a disk or something like that?
Sheila: No sorry, but I'm hardwired in to this equipment. That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder.
Future Church: Yeah, tell me about it. There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye. It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right.
Sheila: What is it?
Future Church: Okay, here's what I need you to do. (whispers) I need you to get out there, and I need you to wait off a real fricking wait,
Sheila: Alright.
Future Church: and give it a thousand years or something like that, and then send a call.
Sheila: You got it.
Future Church: Thanks Sheila. And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time.
Sheila: That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much.
Future Church: Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that. Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Sheila.
Future Church runs through the teleporter
Sheila: Maybe I should shut down now, and save a little power.
Sheila powers down, and the camera does a step by step pan back in a blatant attempt to signify the end of our time in Blood Gulch.
Cut to Wyoming outside Past Church and Grif's cell.
Wyoming: Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well.
Past Church: When I get outta here-
Wyoming: But you won't! Everyone here is dead now, no one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu huh, cheerio! (runs off)
Cut to Future Church at the cell's control console, with a sign saying "Note: Please don't release prisoners - Thanks, Mgt"
Future Church: Man, I don't think Rayner can disarm that bomb. I better let me and Grif out of there and then go find Tex. She can shut it off.
Cut back to Past Church and Grif.
Grif: You should try showering in Cell Block C. Those guys are animals.
Past Church: Alright, here goes.
The gate rises, just like it did the last time
Grif: You opened the doors, that wasn't scary at all.
Past Church: What, I didn't do that, somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.
Grif: Freedom! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.
Future Church: Alright, now to find Tex.
Cut to Wyoming and Tex, who's tied to a tree using rope bigger than your arm.
Wyoming: Sorry about this Alison. Just following Omega's orders.
O'Malley: Wyoming, I need you to get in position. Don't forget that Vic fellow is giving us a bonus if we kill Tucker. Would really help fuel the whole "conspiracy theory" he's made up.
Wyoming: Right-O mate.
Doc: As the one person here who really does work for Red and Blue, I think what we're doing is despicable! O'Malley, can't you look in your heart and see that maybe if we do this right, that Red and Blue could work together? Maybe we could end this crazy war. Wouldn't that be great? Come on guys, let's live the dream!
O'Malley: I like the way wars end now. When one side's completely dead, and the other side wasting away in nuculer winter.
Doc: It's pronounced 'nuclear.'
O'Malley: Oh shut up. Crying at the folly of their own hubris!
Doc: Wars also end in treaties.
O'Malley: Aouwh, shut up already.
Cut to Future Church spying on everyone, like he's James Bond or something
Future Church: Come in, Tex. I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon, right now. This is Church. Uh... I have money. Oh man, where is she?
Another Church approaches from behind the rock behind Future Church.
Futurer Church: Psst! Hey, hey buddy! Hey!
Future Church: Huh? Who're you?
Futurer Church: Huh? Oh, I'm you. I'm just a different version of you. Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right, and I get blasted back in time. Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over again. I just wanna let you know, when you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp.
Future Church: Us? Who's us? Back from where? What's goin' on?
Cut to Bomb Church during the countdown
Past Church: Hehe, what can I say boys? Misery loves company.
Simmons: Five seconds!
Rayner: How about we just kick him through this teleporter? (standing next to a teleporter)
Tucker: Yes!
Past Church: No!
The teleporter is shot, causing it to deactivate.
Tucker: What the hell!?
Wyoming: Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.
Simmons: Uh guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.
Tucker: Uh oh.
Rayner: Nuh shit.
Past Church: What? Oh, son of a-
Halo explodes... again...
Cut back to Future Church leaving in episode 50
Gary: see you in a few hundred years.
Future Church: Computer, you've got to send me back!
Gary: to blood gulch? you just left.
Future Church: No no no, not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!
Gary: how?
Future Church: Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here.
Future Church 2 pops in to place
Future Church 2: Yeah, me too.
Future Church: What the-
Future Church 2: Let me just put it this way pal.
More Churches start popping in to place. One of them is yellow
Future Church 2: Your next plan? Goes about as well as the first one does.
The Churches continue popping in to place and fill the room
Gary: uh oh.
Cut to many many many Churches talking amongst themselves at the top of the ramp
Future Church: (running up the ramp) What the hell is all of this?
Future Church 2: Oh, here he is. Late again.
Future Church: Who are you guys?
Future Church 2: We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again.
Future Church 4: I know that man, you told me last time.
Future Church 2: I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the new you!
Future Church 4: Oh, right, sorry about that I'm still gettin' used to all this.
Future Church 9: Dumbass.
Future Church 4: Hey, shut up.
Future Church: How did all you guys screw up?
Future Church 2: Well, when Rayner was going to kick us through the teleporter, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, only he and oddly, Caboose were the only ones who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
Future Church 3: Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots the teleporter, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Rayner kicked me through the teleporter, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.
Future Church 4: And then I teleported back, and just decided to kill everybody that I could see. Well, almost everybody.
Future Church: Why did you do that?
Future Church 4: I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
Future Church: (turns to Yellow Church) Well, what did you do?
Yellow Church: Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it, it didn't work.
Future Church 72: So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.
Future Church 4: You said beforehand twice.
Future Church: Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was-
Future Churches: That won't work.
Future Church: Hey I got it, who's the last Church?
Future Church 4: Huh?
Future Church: Which one of you, is the latest version of me?
Future Church n: Um, I guess that would be me. I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done, even him, so, I guess that makes me the latest version.
Future Church: Well that must mean you're the one that gets it right then.
Future Church n: What do you mean?
Future Church: Well, if you're the last Church, you must be the one that fixes everything. Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Churches here, still trying to get it right.
Future Church n: I see.
Future Church: Wait, why am I explaining this to you? If you're the latest Church, then you've been me, explaining this to you already.
Future Church n: Uh yeah, I know, I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder. I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Future Churches: Thanks!
Future Church 872: Thanks.
Future Church n: Okay, well I'm gonna go do whatever it is that fixes all this, wish me luck guys.
Future Church: What're you gonna do?
Future Church n: You know what? I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it. 'Cause every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart. I figure, why not just improvise.
Future Church n runs off towards destiny... down the hall
Future Church 2: So what did you do?
Yellow Church: Oh man, seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Cut to Tex back on Sidewinder
Tex: Church! O'Malley and Wyoming tied me up. Get me outta here!
Future Church n-17: You got it. Wait a second, would this be a good thing, or a bad thing?
Tex: How is setting me free a bad thing?
Future Church n-17: I'm not sure. If I set you free, will you promise not to get close to me?
Tex: I'm already close to you.
Future Church n-17: No no not me me, the other me me, the one with the bomb.
Tex: What?
Enter Future Church n stage left
Future Church n: Oh right, I forgot, I already set Tex free one of the other times. Oh sweet, then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex.
Tex: I'm totally confused.
Future Church n: Oh don't worry Tex, I'm just supposed to tell him that it's okay to set Tex free.
Future Church n-17: It is?
Future Church n: Well, that's what I said to me when I was you, and it seemed to work out okay.
Tex: Seriously, this is really confusing.
Future Church n-17: Okay, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan. I'm gonna possess Lopez, and then use his lightning machine to defuse the bomb. Seeya! (runs off)
Future Church n: Good luck! (to Tex) Yeah, that's totally not gonna work. Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach. I think you're about the only one here that can do it. And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fix everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. And if that happens, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been. I'm sorry for... fwell, for a lot of stuff. ...But, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor.
Tex runs off
Future Church n: I'm serious! Somethin' cool. Like me on a horse! No no no wait, a motorcycle!
Cut to the teleporter shot for the n+1th time.
Tucker: What the hell!?
Wyoming: Sorry Private Tucker but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.
Simmons: Uh guys? I hate to interrupt, but, zero seconds.
Tucker: Uh oh.
Rayner: Nuh shit.
Future Church n approaches from behind Caboose.
Caboose: Church!
Future Church n: What can I tell you dipshit. For better or for worse, I'm back.
Halo explodes, yet again, and we fade in to Sarge going ape-shit about the bomb.
Sarge: We're all gonna die, starting with Grif! Everyone, get ready to kiss yer ass goodbye! Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine.
Future Church n, who for the sake of convenience shall simply be called Church from this point forward, pops in to existence and drops down behind Caboose.
Church: Hey everybody, what's up?
Caboose: I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!
Church: That won't be necessary, Caboose. Hey Gary, how ya doin'?
The computer in the future ends up being Gary, and returns to the green text.
Gary: not bad. although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy.
Simmons: The computer can talk?
Grif: The computer's name is Gary?
Gary: how have you been, church?
Church: Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please.
Gary: no problem.
The bomb defuses at 0:01, just like all good television bombs do.
Sarge: Gahr, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't-
Gary: you didn't ask.
Sarge: Ehr, ferkin derglers.
Church: Man, it is really great to see you guys.
Tucker: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-
Caboose: They could be worse.
Church: Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Rayner: So basically nothing new.
Caboose: Where have you been?
Church: You want the long version or the short version?
Caboose: I will take the easy version please.
Tucker: Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?
Rayner: Meh, I'll skip. Pretty sure it'll either be confusing or stupid. Or confusingly stupid.