Fade in to Past Church, Rayner, Caboose and Tucker standing in front of the tombstones near Blue Base, with Future Church watching from afar
Past Church: Um... Maybe somebody should say something.
Tucker: Okay, go ahead.
Past Church: Not me, jackass. I'm not gonna eulogize myself.
Tucker: What? Why not, I eulogize myself all the time. Wait... I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.
Church: How about you Rayner?
Rayner: Yeaaah... uh, no, yeah, no I'm not really good with funerals.
Caboose: Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved
Past Church: No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up.
Caboose: We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end.
Tucker: Man this funeral is laaaame. If you need me I'll be over by my rock.
Past Church: Hey Tucker, can I have a piggy-back ride back to base?
Tucker: No, nonono, I fell for that shit last time, I'm not doing that. That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds.
Past Church: Come on, one more piggy-back ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm in mourning here. (to Rayner) Pretty please.
Rayner: *sigh* Just this once.
Cut to Future Church
Past Church: Haha! Thanks man. I've been through so much. Also can you help me paint my body blue?
Future Church: Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting into Doc, prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I... Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one.
Cut to past Church, Rayner and Tucker trying to activate the repair function in episode 23
Past Church: Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!
Tucker: Found it?
Past Church: Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.
Tucker: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.
Future Church runs by inside the base, and the camera conveniently cuts to him there
Future Church: Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information.
Back outside
Tucker: Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.
Rayner: (looks at the switch) It's so small you can almost miss it.
Past Church: Well, give it a flip.
Tucker: I don't wanna flip it.
Back inside to Future Church standing in front of “Cabose's Importent Lists of Stuf”
Future Church: Okay, here we go.
Radio sounds
Future Church: Come in Blue Command, do you read me.
Vic: (through static) Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me, what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on.
Future Church: Uh yeah, this is, uh, Flowers, this is Captain Butch Flowers.
Vic: Heyyy, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it.
Future Church: Uhm... promoted.
Vic: Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?
Future Church: Good. Listen up Vic, I'm actually uh... whaddaya call it, um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. And very top.
Vic: I'm all yours, dude. Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude. In a ditideepti and all that.
Future Church: Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer DuFresne, as far away from here as possible.
Vic: Red Army, no no dude, last transmission I received that Medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended. Not sure what that means.
Future Church: Look it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me.
Vic: Hello dude, you're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch.
Future Church: Right, exactly, the sides don't matter.
Vic: Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything.
Future Church: What?
Vic: Well I mean from starters we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool.
Future Church: Okay, okay, yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let anybody know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?
Vic: I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word. Actually bird is the word but the bird says mum. So we're gonna go with that. Over and out dude. (transmission ends)
Future Church: Well that should take care of at least one problem.
Vic: So... Red and Blue are the same. Well I gotta make some phone calls.
Cut to Simmons looking up at Past Church paralyzed from the waist down
Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing?
Tucker: Aw crap, the reds are here.
Past Church: What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything?
Future Church: (inside the base) Oh what the hell? Vic just had 'em bring Doc back over here? That guy's a fricking moron. Now I'm back to square one!
Cut to Past Church as a ghost talking to Caboose and Tucker.
Ghost Church: Guys, I keep telling you, if we have Lopez remove any of Sheila's pedals, she's not gonna function properly.
Tucker: Maybe we could just get Lopez to give Caboose more feet.
Caboose: Oh! I like that idea! I have always wanted to be taller.
In the background, Future Church runs up to Lopez and Sheila, and the camera cuts to them
Future Church: Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be having up here? Like, I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um, because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you, you have three, you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye. (runs off)
Lopez: No confío a ese mamón. Parece sospechoso. [I don't trust that guy. He seems shifty.]
Sheila: Me neither, but I have to admit, I liked his Robot Army idea.
Lopez: Yo también. Deberíamos hacer eso. [Me too. We should do that.]
Lopez: Podría construir un vehículo volador de un hombre con los lanzacohetes de las piezas adicionales que tenemos. [I could build a one-man flying vehicle with rocket launchers using the extra parts we have.]
Sheila: Great idea. Let's hide it in the cave, so they won't find it.
Lopez: De acuerdo. [Agreed.]
Cut to Future Church over a hill
Future Church: Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters...
Cut to Donut talking to Grif behind the Warthog.
Donut: Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on?
Grif: Oh God!
Future Church: (messing with the red teleporter) Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Tucker was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done. Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast... Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'. Uh oh.
Tucker: Curses!
Sheila runs in to the Warthog... again
Lopez: (in flight) Ayayay... Frejoles.
Sheila runs in to the base, sending Future Church flying backwards
Future Church: Yow!
The teleporter short circuits
Cut to Future Church waking up after about 5 episodes of being unconscious, somehow undetected by the Reds
Future Church: Oh... What the hell happened? Where am I? When am I?
Cut to the Parabola of Mystery
Tucker: Uh, Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Ghost Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle, just a side-note.
Ghost Church: Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion, Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, who cares!? Get the god damn show on the road!
Tucker: Alright, alright, sorry.
Future Church: Oh no. The Parabola of Mystery! That means any second now Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless...
Cut to Sarge
Sarge: Simmons, Grif... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!
Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (charges up the hill)
Tucker: Wait everyone, stop fighting!
Sarge: Yeah, come on!
Tucker: It's all a lie!
Sarge: Let's go! Haha
Tucker: Red is blue! Blue is red!
Sarge: Yeah, kablammo!
Tucker: We're all the same!
Sarge: Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!
Future Church arrives at a random rocket launcher lying in the middle of the valley
Future Church: God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it. (picks it up)
Ghost Church: (in background) Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!
Future Church: (homing in on O'Malley in the scooter) Ah, there he is. Mine now buddy.
Future Church fires a rocket at O'Malley, but misses and hits Tucker in the back
Tucker: It's all the- Waaaaaa son of a bitch!
Future Church: WHAT THE HELL!? The targeting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now.
Donut: Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!
Future Church: Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends.