Alexia's POV
It was just Alana and I out on the pitch, Jonatan had left a long while ago and I assumed he wouldn't return until the ninety minute training session was over. An hour and a half we were forced to spend together each week. An hour and a half I had to spend with the golden girl of the team, who'd come along and messed with my head night and day.
We were practising a shooting drill in silence, I would pass to Alana and then she'd shoot over and over again. These were skills we'd had since our first training session with a kids club.
But I'd noticed Alana only ever shot with her left foot recently, though when I'd watched her play in the WSL, she used both which meant the threat of her attacks were much larger. I guessed nobody had pointed it out to her seeing as she was still scoring amazing goals each match and I probably should've kept my mouth closed seeing as she was my competition for the Ballon d'Or and didn't trust a word I said, but the words had fallen from my mouth before I'd been able to hold them back.
"You only ever shoot with your left foot," I said.
Alana stopped in her tracks and turned around, the ball rolled to the side of her feet and the blonde didn't even bother to stop it. Her face had fallen slightly as her lips parted, "It's the ankle you injured," there was a slight anger in her words but mostly her voice was just hopeless.
My stomach instantly dropped, my mouth tasted like iron and my mind went blank; how could I have been so foolish? "Oh, I um-"
"You forgot," Alana cut in with a sudden sharpness to her words, the once blunt knife was now ready to strike.
I was riddled with this guilt, I might've won the trophy for my nation and Nana but I'd hurt Alana in the process, I'd taken that chance from her which wasn't ever mine to steal. I'd always known it was a bad tackle, I'd known when I went in for the tackle and I'd been aware when I ran away, somehow avoiding a red card.
But I'd done it for Nana. I'd done it for Hunter. I'd done it for my beloved home country. I'd done it for my friends and the team I'd considered family, when I had little left of my own. That's how I'd justified it in my head, that's how I'd walked away blind to the blood spilled on my hands.
I hadn't tackled Alana thinking she was a person, I hadn't thought about anything except from making Nana and Hunter proud. It went onto when Alana joined Barcelona, still to me, she wasn't a person; buried somewhere deep inside I was hiding from the vulgarity of my actions.
To be honest Alana was right. I had forgotten.
"I'm sorry," I looked to the floor, suddenly not able to handle to look on Alana's face because she was no longer a stranger I could convince myself I hated.
"You already said that at the party," Alana's voice was never loud, she didn't seem to be searching for a fight but instead fought for me to understand something I'd hidden from for so long, "Did you not think I already knew that I never use my right foot anymore? Did you think it was just coincidence?"
I took a step back even though she wasn't moving towards me, suddenly the meters between us weren't enough, I wished I could've moved back in time as well and somehow undo it all. But would I have taken back the tackle? I don't think so; it would always be something I hated myself for, but I'd done it for Nana. I'd done it for my grieving sister who refused to speak to me. I'd done it for them, everything was for them.
They were all I had. All I wanted to do was make them proud.
"I am sorry Alana," I finally looked up at her.
Alana took a shaky breath and ran a hand through her hair which had been tangled by the wind, "Why did you do it? You said before that the tournament meant a lot to you, but it meant the world to everyone, don't you know that?"
"You don't-"
She cut me off again, staggering towards me, "You know that I had to sit on the sidelines as my little sister fell to the floor crying? I couldn't even get up to comfort her because of you! My best friends, Ronny in the crowd, Alex and Ellie. You just hurt people Alexia, you don't care!"
"I do!" I defended myself even though everything Alana was saying was true.
"Then why did you do it? And why did you do it again?"
I could not bring myself to be vulnerable with her or anyone for that matter, I refused to look weak or fractured. No one was ever let in, only Mapi and Ona had somehow weaved their way into the truth, and even then I was often closed off. It was foolish to let people see your weaknesses because then they know where to shoot, then they know where it will really hurt.
"I wasn't thinking straight," I lied.
Alana scoffed, "Well that thinking cost me months of my life, I was stuck in a rehab clinic for the entirety of my break and then when I came to Spain. How would you feel? Would you just accept someone's bullshit apology?"
I gulped, "I would not."
"So what makes you think I'll accept yours? Not to mention all the lies and games of yours'."
My face had fallen, "I wouldn't expect you to accept my apology."
"So what is the point in all of this Putellas? You point out ways in which I've failed, which are all your fault by the way, and then make up a shitty apology you don't even mean," Alana flung her arms out to her side.
"I do mean it," I felt small, for once I felt like I was fighting a loosing battle.
When Alana had first joined I'd never understood the force I'd begun fighting with because it was the first time I'd ever felt like I might loose. Like she might be better than me, like she was better than me.
A better player. A better person. A better friend. A better sister.
I wondered what it must have been like to grow up as Alana. I'd always been average in everything except from sport, I'd never had a spark about me, the world didn't shine wherever I stepped; people would call me strong though it wasn't a particularly large word, strength didn't change the world. It didn't change the lives of others, it just cut me off from all of them.
Alana was the sort of girl that people created words for, 'strong' would have been an injustice to someone bearing such multitudes of life and soul.
I hated to admit it but somewhere along the way I'd picked up this battle I'd never win. And even more than that, I think it was the first time I'd ever admitted defeat. I'd lost.
What I'd lost, I didn't know. But something had fallen into Alana's hands and was suddenly missing from my own.
"Are you finally done with the lies?" She breathed, "Will you tell me the truth for once?"
I felt a shiver creep up my neck, every hair on my body stood on edge, I knew exactly what Alana was talking about, "What truth?"
"Why do you hate me?"
"I don't-"
"You know," She stated, "Don't try and lie to me, it won't work."
I said the first thing which came to my mind, "The Ballon d'Or awards."
Alana let out a dry laugh and shook her head, "You hated me long before that."
Suddenly there came a call from behind us, "Time is up Alexia and Alana!" It was Jonatan, "You're both free to go, thankyou for coming this morning!"
When I turned back to Alana she was already brushing past me, her shoulder hit mine and she paced towards the carpark. I was quick to follow after her, desperate for the blonde to know my truth but knowing I'd never find the words to tell her.
Alana was holding onto her open car door when I jogged over to her, "We didn't finish our conversation," I told her, foolishly hoping she'd step away and talk to me.
Alana slammed her car door shut and glared at me, her blue eyes had turned icy and grey, "It wasn't a conversation Putellas, it's never a conversation when you and I talk, it's an argument. One that's never solved, and frankly I want to go home and be with my sister."
"But-"
"If I stood here for hours would I ever hear the truth from you?"
I gulped, not answering her question because if I were to lie and promise I'd say the truth, we'd just be going round in circles for the entire day. But if I was to tell her the truth, I'd be wrecked.
"I thought so," She sighed, opening up the door, "Now can you move or are you wanting me to run you over?"
"I am sorry Alana," I still fought for her to believe my apologies.
"Find me if you ever feel like telling the truth," and then Alana climbed into the car, seconds later she was gone.
I was stood there standing like a fool. I was stood there questioning my entire life, my every decision and all of my choices because of a blonde with a golden smile.
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i feel like there is a lot of questions answered in this chapter... what is everyone thinking?