( FAYE )
sitting on the hardwood tiles of our bedroom, i rummage through one of sadies unpacked bags, searching for a replacement toothbrush from the ones she typically swipes from hotels.
my own met an unfortunate fate, taking an unexpected dive into the toilet this morning.
for such an accomplished woman, sadie is very lazy. unpacked luggage and bags lay scattered throughout the house, most of them from recent travels while some date back months.
my heartbeat echoes in my ears as i unearth a familiar sight, the ripped and worn-out chestnut binding of a notebook.
there it was, buried beneath a pile of socks.
i hadn't lost the journal; sadie had taken it.
a sudden tightness grips my chest, and my breaths morph into erratic gasps, barely supplying the oxygen my body craves.
the walls seem to close in, and every sound converges into an overwhelming cacophony.
thoughts race through my mind, an unrestrained torrent of fears that i struggle to unravel. amidst the chaos, coherence becomes elusive.
the room, once standing still, begins to spin in a chaotic dance, leading me to seek stability on the edge of the bed.
each passing second stretches into an eternity, as i yearn for the storm within me to subside.
"why?" my shaky breath releases into the room, as if expecting an answer from the walls themselves.
— ★ —
"faye, are you okay?"
the red-haired girl hurries through the entrance. "i got your message, rushed here as fast as i could"
i remain sat on the beige couch, patting the area next to me, an unspoken request for her to join.
she complies with a chuckle. "what's happening? this feels so mysterious, like i've walked into a mafia meeting or something"
my gaze wanders behind her, landing on the photo frame on the coffee table, the one adorned with collaged polaroids of myself.
just another stark reminder of what once was.
with confusion etched into her features, she swiftly pivots around to grasp what i'm fixated on. she faces me with another chuckle. "why are you staring at yourself?"
"sadie" i finally utter, my voice raspy and cracked. i clear my throat, and her face falls back into concern.
"your voice-"
"yeah, i know" i force a chuckle. "i just... i need to do this now"
"do what?" she places her hand atop mine. "is something wrong? what's going on, faye?"
"okay, i'm gonna speak" my tone remains low, not wishing to tear my vocal chords apart any further. "you will only listen, and speak when i'm done. got it?"
she furrows her brows. "okay..."
with an exhale, i begin.
"i found my old journal in your bag"
her expression falls into something unreadable, and yet it proves me correct.
"i don't know why you felt the need to do that, but you did it. you went against my trust, lied to me, and then went out of your way to buy me another one, for whatever reason"
"faye-"
"what did i say?" my voice trembles. "wait until i'm done"
she silently nods, her eyes fixed on mine.
"i moved here to get away from finn, to be with you despite his warnings; but now, i'm starting to think he was right all along"
"every second of being here, i've been miserable. you're barely home, and anytime you are, you're either avoiding me or silently manipulating me in your own ways"
"i don't know how to fix this" emotions gather within my eyes. "is there any way to fix this?"
"faye" she almost whispers. "can i please talk?"
with a shaky sigh, i provide her a slow nod.
"i shouldn't have stolen your journal. i knew it was wrong the minute i took it, but since it was already too late, i kept it. i didn't read anything"
"how can i know you're not lying?"
"listen" she sighs. "i know it's hard to trust me, but i promise i didn't read anything. i lied to you; i'm sorry. i didn't know what else to do"
"it's not just the journal though, sadie" i release my frustration with a shallow breath.
"what is it, then?" her tone remains calm, yet i can sense the anger building up.
"is it the fact i'm away a lot? it's my career, i can't control that" she defends. "or is it that i give you the silent treatment?"
"the only times i avoid you are when it feels like you need space. remember my friends party where you were curled into a ball of depression the whole night? i gave you space after that"
"sadie, if i needed space, i would tell you"
"you wouldn't" she argues. "you don't tell me anything, faye! that's why i took your journal in the first place, so you'd talk to me for once. it was a desperate and ridiculous thing to do, but hey, that's the only choice you left me with"
i wipe away a tear that escapes, running down my cheek. "i do talk to you. there are just some things that i don't want anyone but me to know"
she exhales. "what is your point here, faye?"
"my point" my voice shivers. "is that you can't be trusted, sadie. i knew it from the start, and yet i endured it. i stayed through all of it, i took all your bullshit because i love you. but... god, i don't know what to do anymore"
she remains silent for a moment, prior to standing up and facing me. "what do you want me to say here?"
"nothing" i gaze up at her. "there's nothing you can say anymore. i'm sick of the meaningless promises of i'll change"
my tone remains low, conveying the sense of my shattered hope, as my eyes remain glued onto the ground.
with a shaky breath, accompanied by a nod of understanding, she plasters a sad smile on her face. "i guess this is it then"
"you would've thought this would happen a lot sooner, huh?" she releases a chuckle, wiping away her tears that flow.
my own tears trace a melancholic line down my cheeks, and i finally reach for the words that have waited to be unveiled for too long.
"we've tried this thing so many times... we're not good for eachother, sadie. this has to come to an end"
she nods slowly, her gaze meeting anything in the room but me. it's evident that she, too, acknowledges the inevitable truth.
there's no saving us.
ring... ring... ring...
each high pitched ring seems to take years off my life, lasting longer than the other.
ring...
the ringing comes to a halt, and yet no voice is emitted from the other end. a few moments pass by before the silence is broken off.
"faye?"
his voice resonates in a subdued manner, a tone of depression fit to match mine.
and still, a smile manages to creep onto my face. it's been quite some time since i've heard his voice, aside from the digital world.
"finn" i attempt not to let my voice tremble. "hi"
"hey... what's uh... what?" he chuckles under his breath.
his infectious laugh prompts me to follow. "sorry... i know this is sudden"
"yeah, is everything okay?"
i let out a tremulous breath, scanning the space around me. my possessions are neatly stowed in the same bags i brought with me a month ago.
"i think i'm ready to come home now"
— ★ —
"and you didn't talk after that?"
finn and i are sprawled amid pillows and blankets on the living room floor, within our half-assed, makeshift fort.
"well" i exhale. "she whispered an apology to me as i was leaving the house"
"what did she say?"
"just... sorry for everything" i shrug.
he nods, sighing prior to pulling me closer.
"is it actually over this time?"
finn narrows his eyes at my comment. "what... you're the one that said it is"
"i know, i just..." my eyes trail off into the distance. "it's hard to believe that it's over, i didn't get a proper goodbye with her"
"what would a proper goodbye be?"
"i don't know" i sigh. "a hug, atleast"
finn frowns, pulling me into a hug. "here, i'll hug you from her behalf"
"it's not the same" i huff. "you're not a beautiful red haired girl"
he abruptly gasps, clenching his chest. "ouch"
i force a chuckle, but my mind remains elsewhere.
is it all really over?
it amazes me how easily one's perception of another can shift.
i can vividly recall the emotions coursing through me on our first official date, or the moment she kissed me for the first time.
even though the sole purpose of the kiss was to silence me, it's still our kiss.
the way i used to write about sadie,
it really shows my clueless fascination with this woman; i'm flipping through those old pages right now.
in my mind, she was an angel, descending into this earthly hell to rescue me from the abyss of my own sorrow.
this sentiment oddly resonates with the art she crafted on my wall, implemented by her own hands the first day we had met.
i'll never remove it; it'll stay with me for as long as we live here.
it's strange how i transitioned from admiring her, to just loathing her at times.
and even while loathing her, i continued to value her, remaining by her side despite the numerous heartbreaks it brought.
i hope that, someday, sadie will learn how to treat someone the right way, understanding their emotions rather than viewing them as a means for self-satisfaction.
maybe someday, i too will find a love like that.
although we weren't destined to be together, i have no regrets. i wouldn't take any of it back.
not even a second of my life was wasted with her; all of it holds value. every event, every argument, every heartbreak.
and honestly, in another lifetime, i'd go through it all over again.
and so,
that concludes the second page of my new journal. thank you for this gift, sadie. i promise to take good care of it.
my old one was running out, anyway.
★ authors note ,,
MANNN
i'm so attached to faye. god.
well, we still have one more part, the epilogue.
i have no idea what i'm going to do after this ends... probably write another book tbh.
also, fayes panic attack was merely based on my experience. if you can relate to it then 🤝