"Yunho, what's wrong?"
The sudden break of silence in the room made the elder twitch. Yunho looked up from his notebook in a fast motion, eyes involuntarily widened like a deer looking into headlights. "What do you mean?"
Mingi lifted their brow, giving their brother a knowing look. "I can see you are bothered by something and I can't really pinpoint it. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." Yunho was fast to dismiss his sibling, turning back to his notebook. There was not much written on the page he was staring at. A word cluster, scribbles, a rip in the paper's upper right corner.
"Sure. Suuurreee," Mingi sighed exaggeratingly, let themself fall back into their bed. "Okay let me tell you what I think is up," they then said, "One, you had a fight with dad - but that can't really be, I would know for sure. Two, your grades don't look as blinding as they should - but I don't think you would care enough to look this miserable. Three, we have no snacks anymore - this could be it actually - or Four, you had a fight with your friends"
Yunho closed his notebook with a huff and threw it from his bed onto the desk. It landed with a thud, knocking off the pencil holder. "I did not have a fight with my friends. We're fine." The tone was sharp, the words mumbled. In that moment Yunho cursed to himself for being so obvious. Of course something was wrong, he just didn't know what exactly. Of course something was wrong, his chest was getting heavier by the second. And of course Mingi knew better than him. And they knew things Yunho didn't - for that moment.
"Okay I guess it's not your friends from the studio... did something happen between you, Yuqi and Chan? I can't remember the last time you three were mad at each other."
"Because we had never been. And we still aren't."
Mingi turned on their stomach, put their head on their hands and looked at Yunho. "Sounds different to me."
Yunho had scooched to the corner of the bed, dunked his head beneath his blanket. "I'm so confused..." he admitted and sighed. Suddenly, his eyes burned a little, his nose inflating rapidly. He wasn't going to cry, not because of this and especially not in front of Mingi - not like this.
A sad smile graced the younger's lips as they got up from their bed and went over to the other's. Mingi sat on one edge of the bed, leaned against the wall and looked at their brother, buried beneath blankets and pillows. "... you can cry if you need to"
"I'm not crying!" Yunho responded harshly, shutting his eyes. "it's just... they spend so much time together... and now he got a girlfriend... and ..."
"Yuqi and Chan? since when are they dating?" Mingi rose their brows shocked, confused himself.
"I don't know if they are!" Yunho said, "I don't know who it is and they won't tell me"
"Why is it important to you to know who it is? Aren't you happy he has one?"
Yunho sighed and opened his eyes, tears breaking the wall of his ego and rolling down his cheeks. They burned as they left a trail behind, pooling at his chin and falling on his knees. "They are excluding me..." he mumbled. Yunho didn't dare to move, fearing he might tremble and Mingi would see it.
"I don't think that's what's happening here... or that's what's really bothering you, Yunho..." Mingi scooched closer to their brother and put their hand on the blanket, somewhere there where they assumed Yunho was beneath.
Suddenly, Yunho emerged from the blankets and pillows, looking at his sibling again with these widened eyes, now reddened and wet, but clearer. Now it was clear to see, there was fear pooling in his eyes as he stared down Mingi, almost outraged. "What are you suggesting here!"
"I'm not suggesting anything but I think now you know what upsets you," Mingi simply said and pulled back a little, not interested in getting in a fight with their brother. They looked at him empathetically, trying to muster a small, encouraging smile.
For Yunho, the world seemed to stop spinning; the clocked stopped ticking, he felt like leaving his body. He panicked in that moment, sweat forming in his neck, under his arms, his cheeks getting redder - if they weren't already - and his eyes dried in a moment.
He knew what bothered him.
And knowing bothered him.
Somewhere he had always known and it had always bothered him.
~
"Yunho I know we are best friends and I already did worse for you, with you, shout outs to the teacher's car we vandalized, but if you want to be famous like your day one day, you can't keep doing this..." Chan said hastily as Yunho fiddled with the scooter helmet. He didn't seem like replying. The elder sighed and turned on the motor, as his other hand put down the visor of his helmet.
For his liking, the night was too cold for driving around on the scooter but that's what Yunho needed at that moment.
Seoul was a city that never seemed to sleep, it got quieter partly, districts that were more lively where drowned in neon lights.
Yunho didn't really notice where and when they came to a stop, his senses seemed to dull, his head was so full and empty at the same time. The sky was interesting; the crescent hung low above the city.
"Come on," Chan urged and poke Yunho's side with his elbow, "tell me. What's on your mind" Concern was lingering in his voice as he mustered his best friend up and down. "You're usually not like this... I'm worrying to be honest..."
"I..." Yunho started, his body heat up and he was cut short of whatever he thought he was going to say. What did he want to say? What was there left to say? "Are you happy?"
Chan looked perplexed, "huh?"
"Are you happy? You and your girlfriend"
The elder sighed and pressed his lips in a thin line. "Uhm... we- I didn't-"
"You know, you don't have to tell me. You didn't even tell me you had feelings for someone ... it's fine, really. Who am I to complain that you want your privacy?"
"Yunho this is really a complicated situation... we planned to tell you differently, really!"
Yunho looked at Chan, his eyes were tilted a little downward; he had overgrown him too. "I don't even know who 'we' is Chan... and- ... and that's not even the real issue" He turned his back on him, holding his head. Yunho felt the burning in his eyes, the familiar feeling of tears trespassing the corners and wetting his face. "I- I can't do this-" Crying never felt this humiliating.
He felt Chan's hand on his shoulder and brushed it off.
"Yunho now you're scaring me. Please tell me what's wrong and let me help you," the elder almost begged. "I never intended to hurt you, we never intended to hurt you... this was not what was planned!"
The worst about being emotional was, that the feeling of humiliation always, with almost no exception, was followed by anger. And thus, giving in to the burning anger in his guts, Yunho turned around in full hight, yelling, "I do not care what you planned! You betrayed me! You left me out of your life!"
Face red and eyes glassy, he didn't know how to return from the stream of words that were leaving his mouth uncontrollably. "Do you even know what you did to me? All these years... You were my best friend, we did everything together! I knew I could count on you, every time for anything! You were with me all the time and now you left without giving me an apology..." his voice cracked, the stream stopped.
Inevitably, after anger came true sadness and sorrow. And in that moment Yunho knew he was doomed. After having said all these things, it didn't matter anymore if Chan knew or not. The elder didn't even look like he cared, he seemed stuck somewhere between the accusations Yunho had thrown at him.
"You owe me an apology... I have lost my heart to you and you threw it away..."
~
okokok who saw it coming???
I may not remember much of the og plotline, but this is a key point I do remember!
is a ship about to sail? is it going down? how angsty do I want to be???
AND: is that a chapter twice as long as the last??? am I finally recovering from writers block???
I hope you all had a great Christmas time if you celebrate it.
Soon the year ends and everything feels a little unreal...
sometimes I remember last summer was my last summer break in highschool, this is my last year. it makes me sad, anxious. The world seemes to have endless opportunities and I have to choose one.
even though my dream had always been to book courses on how to write an actual novel, my family wouldn't be much thrilled about that... so I hope there will fall a major from the sky that interests me so I can study that and have an 'actual' job some day lol
how have you all been?
remember to stay healthy and safe,
-gul