Annie's reaction at my cabin rental is beyond my wildest dream. I didn't know that she would be so impressed with this trip. I originally booked it to force her to relax, I didn't foresee that she would be impressed. Her relaxed demeanor is something I never see when Evan's around.
When he's around her posture is tense, her gaze is elsewhere searching for comfort that he doesn't offer. But with me her face softens, her touch trusting, and her look is fulfilled by the love I give her. For that's what this is. This is love. There's no use denying what I've known to be true for year's. I love this woman, Annie. She's smart, bright, and ever seeking to get better.
I want this cabin to be our forever home away from Evan. But after these three nights are up. Our fantasy will shatter and the pretend reality we've surrounded ourselves with will cease to exist. I'm not alive when I live for in between moments. How do I make in between moments last a lift time? How do you hold onto forever when it's only fleeting like the changing of the leaves? The changing of the seasons, that's what Annie and I are like.
It's like autumn when we're together. She's a brilliant bright colored tree full of beauty and radiance. When Evan returns her leaves will fall and the winter storm he brings to her life will suck her dry and will make her cold and bitter. The former autumn that I long for will never come. It will never happen between us.
Annie nestles into me, and I sniff her hair. I let her rest a while. She's so tired, and her trust for me shows the more we are together. Annie falls asleep, and I turn on a movie quietly. It's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It's not my favorite one, the little elf in the movie always annoyed me. Maybe it was his voice or mannerisms, he's still brave in the end.
Annie wakes before the movie ends. She kisses my cheek, and her soft lips are happiness to my body. I place a blanket on her shoulders, as I head over to make her hot chocolate.
"Why are you so sweet to me, Wolfe?" When she uses my last name it still creates a distance between us.
"Because...I love you, Annie." The words come out, I wasn't going to say them. But it's so obvious to anyone watching me with her. My gaze should tell her the truth, my words, my actions. She knows, surely she's known for a while.
"I..." She tries to reply, but I know it's hard for her. She's torn between Evan and me. This isn't easy for me. It's never been easy for us. To onlookers as are like horny teenagers playing with fire. They'd call this lust, a forbidden romance. They'd say she's being unfair to Evan. It's just complicated right now. When since it's complicated I don't want her to say words she's not ready to say, or words she doesn't mean.
"It's okay, Annie. You don't have to say it back. I know you're conflicted. But when you're ready you'll say it. I only want to hear it if you mean it."
Annie smiles and nods. I've never told a woman I love her before, and I don't care if she knows. It's not a secret, it never really was. But as long as she knows and hears it, she'll know that if Evan is not her end, perhaps I can be. Would she leave Evan Schultz, a powerful businessman, my alleged best friend, for me?
"Thanks, Malcolm. I appreciate you saying that."
She blushes as if she is ashamed of something. We know that she's cheating on Evan just by being here with me. But I didn't force her to ride the motorcycle with me either. She came to me of her own free will, and that tells me she's at least mulling us over. We could be good together, if only she'd give herself permission to feel something. She doesn't trust her feelings, I have Evan to thank for that. It's clearly a symptom of the hell he put her through before I showed up. How much damage did he do to her behind closed doors before I showed up? How many nights did she waste crying over things that made no sense, over things that we're her fault that she still blamed herself for anyway?
"Do you want to go in the hot tub?" I ask as Annie smiles up at me. I like it when she smiles her nose naturally crinkles and then relaxes again.
"Yeah, I'd love to, Malcolm," she grabs my hand before I can leave and kisses me again on the lips. Our lips fit together perfectly like we were always supposed to fall in love. She doesn't have the words for loving me, but she doesn't have to. She tells me with her eyelashes, vocabulary, trust, tender touches, and kisses.
The warmth from my body radiates to the place she's touched. I hope a tattoo forms naturally where she's embedded her skin on mine. Now that we are alone, I want more. It's all I can think about. It's all-consuming. It's a desire turning into a craving. If left unchecked in could very well be the end of my sanity.
Annie heads in the cabin bedroom. The bags I had placed there earlier still remain as she rummages through it. She lays out snuggly-looking pajamas. Even when she's not trying to be sexy with me, she just is.
"Can you help me?" Annie asks as her back faces toward me. I help her unzip her dress. I take my time with it, and hear her breathe in with a deep gasp. It throws me off, as I continue moving the zipper down the line inch by inch taking my time along its track.
I kiss the base of her neck and pull away. It's not my place to think of her in this sexual way. We've only been on dates, but she doesn't want me like I want her. My body pulls away, I can't do something that she's not ready for.
"Wait don't stop. I want you to touch me." She grabs my hands and we both know what's she's asking of me, we are both adults here.
But it's different with Annie. I've never had sex while loving someone. It's always been to feel again, get lost in the moment, and forget how much I hated myself. I still hate myself, and I might every day for the rest of my life. But I am going to keep fighting as long as Annie will have me. Right now she wants me, me of all people.
"Are you sure, Annie? If we do this there's no going back."
"I don't want to go back. I want to go forward. I want you to touch me, Malcolm Wolfe."
She grabs my hands out of desperation and I hug her from behind. I smell her hair and the scent of her consumes me. We've entered the point of no return, and I give into it. I give in to her.
I put my hands down her shirt and feel her soft breasts. They're familiar as if we've made love before. This isn't just sex for me, this is a statement that will match my words. The words that I poured from my lips when I said that I love her.
"Oh god, Malcolm. Malcolm..." She scratches her nails into my back and I turn her around. She takes my shirt off and I help her remove the rest of her dress. It falls to the floor at her ankles and my belt gets tossed somewhere in the chaos of our cabin. The rest of the clothes end up everywhere.
We get into the bed and we are facing each other. I am on top and she's on the bottom. She's wet at her entrance and her core is ready for my length. It's ready. I put myself inside her, but go gently. I move slowly, I want her to enjoy this. She humps against me and breathes harder. We're sitting up together and wrapped around each other as if we're hugging.
"I love you, Annie...only you." She presses her lips on mine and embraces me tighter.
"I love you too, Malcolm Wolfe." The words fly and I don't stop her from saying them. I didn't force them out of her. Someone actually loves me, another human cares about me. No one's ever said that to me before. No woman, no parent, no one.
It's almost too much what those three little words can do to someone so damaged.
"I think I've always loved you, Annie," I say as the words keep falling from me, pouring from me as if they can't help themselves. It's as if the words don't only want to heal what's broken in me, but they want to heal her deep wounds as well.
"Then show me, Malcolm." I push into Annie more, and go deeper and deeper into her. Our mouths are together and our tongues are touching. We hump, and get the emotions out. The anger of waiting years for her. The anger of the hell Evan put her through. The love I have for her and that the love she's found will me. It all comes out and together we climax. Her moans become mine, and it's as if I've never had sex before. This is different, this is what commitment could feel like.
When we're done Annie cuddles into me. The hot tub can wait, for a moment someone loves me and if she never says it again, at least I heard it once.