My head...I feel like someone beat me and wiped the floor with my body. It's like my chest was torn apart and sewn back together.
"Amber and Jill will get married, I promise you that"
It feels like blood is being pumped into my body on one side and released from the other.
Am I dead?
— Amber...
Tara! Tara's sweet and worried voice.
Heaven? Did I really go to heaven?
— Amber!
Jill... Jill and her drunk tone.
I guess it's hell after all.
"Amber and Jill will get married, I promise you that"
I hope I'm dead because what I just heard from my dad was too much for me. It feels like my bones were broken and glued back together.
Fuck it.
— I'll clean up here — I heard that nice bartender
— What the fuck happened? — Roberts asked as I opened my eyes
I'm asking myself the same question.
"Amber and Jill will get married, I promise you that"
— Are you okay? — Tara asked and I focused on her
What should I answer her? I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be okay.
— Did you hit yourself hard somewhere? Something hurts you?
A lot.
"Amber and Jill will get married, I promise you that"
— Why don't you answer? — Jill asked annoyed
— I'm fine — I whispered — I tripped.
— Can you get up?
Tara touched my hand tenderly and I saw concern in her eyes.
I got up to sit and two hands appeared in front of me. Tara's hand and Jill's hand. They both want to help me get up. I'm looking at them confused and exhausted.
"Amber and Jill will get married, I promise you that"
I got up on my own. I didn't need their help.
— I need to lay down. Can we go back to our room? — I asked Tara
— Of course. Come on.
I took a step forward and Jill grabbed my forearm and turned me towards her. I looked into her eyes and for a moment I saw concern in them. Maybe I imagined it.
— You good? — she asked
"You good?"...
I'm looking at her and not answering. Why is she doing this? Why is she interested in me? What does she want to achieve with this?
— What were you stressed about?
— What? — I asked her as she came closer and put her hand on my back
Why do I only see all these bad moments when I'm looking at her now?
— You have panic attacks again?
My blood boiled and I clenched my fist.
— No. No I don't.
— This is what it looked like. It was like that in the past too — she said
I looked at Tara, not happy that she heard that. She doesn't look surprised. I didn't want her to know.
— I want to go to bed.
— Okay — Jill said calmly — If you need me, call me.
— Fine.
— Let's go, you lie down, I'll make you some tea — Tara told me
Jill released my back and Tara and I walked towards the room. It is quiet. She's not asking questions and I'm not saying anything. We're just walking.
I can't talk to her right now. I can barely look at her.
I have to marry Jill. I have to....
Why me? Why the hell they want us to be together?! What the fuck does this have to do with their company?! We could share the business without being in a relationship. Somehow my father doesn't fuck with Blake to keep the company running.
{4 years ago, September 18}
My best friend created two lines with the card on her phone and then licked the remains on it. I'm watching her, feeling unreal. She rolled the bill into a roll and gave me that perfect smile of hers. I rested my head against her car window, without taking my eyes off.
How can she look so perfect? Is it even possible?
She snorted one of the lines and tilted her head back, sighing. She sniffed a bit and hit her head against the backrest. The holes in her nose are already worn out.
— Fuck. If your parents found out what we're doing now, they'd probably hang me in the forest.
Mindy would hang us both.
— Don't worry, they won't — I smiled feeling like I was swimming
I leaned over and took the bill from her.
— Maybe you shouldn't take more — she said and covered the line with her hand
— Why? — I asked surprised
My tolerance is much higher than hers. I'm not going to die.
— I don't want anything to happen to you.
— Jill, I'm fine. Seriously.
— You sure?
— Yeah.
— Your decision.
She removed her hand and I quickly snorted the drug. Pain shot through my nose and head. My head hurts so bad. Fortunately, this is only a temporary effect of mephedrone. I cleared my throat and a moment later I felt pleasure wash over my body. Fuck...
— You good?
— I feel amazing.
— Because you're high as fuck.
— So are you.
She licked her lips and took the phone to flick the remains out of the window. She put the phone behind the wheel and turned more towards me.
We're staring at each other, I feel like everything is spinning around us. Jill. She is so beautiful. Every person is beautiful, but she is the most...
It's dark outside. We are in "our" place, close to the forest. The only icons glowing in the car illuminate her face, framed by her long dark hair.
Suddenly I felt something dripping from my nose.
— Shit – I said and Jill started looking for a tissue
— Here.
She gave me one and and I put it to my nose. The bleeding is the unpleasant part.
— Why does everything that is so good have to be destructive? — I asked
— It's probably payment. Show me.
She leaned down and moved my hand with the tissue away.
— It's okay. Do you have a hurt nose or are you arousal? — she asked and laughed
Fuck why do you have to be so close to me? So close to my eyes, my mouth...She ran her hand across my cheek, looking into my eyes.
— Both.
— Perv! — Jill slapped my arm laughing
— And who says?! — I smiled — You are the horniest person I know.
I hit her thigh gently in compensation.
— I will not deny.
In a burst of confidence, I left my hand on her thigh and started drawing circles with my fingers.
Whenever we're high, something strange attracts us. But nothing ever happens. We get closer but she always pulls away. When I'm high, I always wonder what it's like to kiss Jill Roberts.
This is knowledge I will never gain.
— I fucking love you Amber — she whispered
— I love you...— I wanted to say it back but she put her finger to my lips
I can see her eyes up close, how big her pupils are.
— Nobody understands me like you — she said — With you I don't have to hide anything, be perfect. You're my safe place.
— And you are mine — I said slurred through her finger
She let go of me and moved away to lean back in her seat.
— Why can't you go to college with me...
— Because I just started high school.
— It sucks.
— know — I shrugged and it became quiet between us
Despite the big age difference, there is nothing awkward between us. We understand each other.
I'm looking at one point outside. I should have had a lot of energy, but I think I took too much. This completely blew me away.
— I think I'm in love with you — she said quickly
— What? — I asked confused
She turned towards me and sat more comfortably on the seat. I'm staring at her, unable to believe what she said. We always joked that we would get married and that we were in love with each other. But I never assumed that she could actually feel something for me.
I have a girlfriend. I like my girlfriend.
— What you heard.
— But...
— I know, Mindy. Fuck this!
She slammed her hand on the steering wheel. I frowned at her aggression. She did it again. That's enough...I jumped up and grabbed her hands so she wouldn't do anything more.
— Stop it!
— I'm sorry.
— Don't.
I pulled her to me and hugged her. Fuck, I've dreamed about this. She was always my dream, but unavailable. And now she wants me too? What the fuck is this? I thought I had it all behind me, that I only saw her as a friend...
— Look at me — I said
— No.
— Jill.
She lifted her head slightly and looked into my eyes. We're high on drugs, that's all it may seem like to us. Maybe it's not even real.
I leaned over and kissed the girl. I seriously did.
It was calm and gentle. Our lips just touched for a few seconds, but it was enough.
We stayed in this position, Jill started running her hand through my hair. After a while she kissed me again. The same way.
But then she lifted my shirt and started touching my belly. My forehead is resting against hers, we don't look into each other's eyes.
The moment later I kissed her again. Harder this time. I like the way she's controlling it, tangles her fingers in my hair, bites my lips. I may have started it, but she's the one who runs it.
— Wanna go backseats? — she asked and she slid her hand down to my zipper
And that was the day I stopped being a virgin.
{Now, March 26}
Before I knew it, we reached the door. I opened it with a card and I let Tara in first. We walked inside and she turned to me.
— Are you okay?
I'm looking at her and thinking about everything that has happened in my life.
— No. No I'm not. I need to talk to my dad.
— Why? What happened? — she asked confused
I walked up to her, grabbed her face and kissed her. She kissed me back, but when I pulled away, her confusion returned.
— I'll throw away this heroin. I'll talk to my father. And we'll go to the club where we'll dance all night long.
— Okay?
I kissed her forehead and went to take out that little fucking bag of death. It's fucking over. This ruined everything for me. It killed everything I loved.
— Will you do it with me? — I asked her hopefully
— Yes, of course — she said and smiled
She extended her hand towards me so I grabbed it. I can see she's proud.
— I don't need this shit. Not anymore — I told her
— I'm very happy that you said that.
So am I.