Walking through the crowded paddock, today felt slightly different.
We were on the triple header in the States and South America, the 2022 season was coming to an end and so also my contract with the AlphaTauri team.
In these past weeks rumors and gossips articles basically walked by my side everywhere I've been. For example, an innocent photo of me in Woking, visiting one last time Lando's family before jumping on the other side of the world for a while, soon was turned into a possible talk with the McLaren team, maybe for a reserve seat, or even a seat in minor categories with some other British teams.
All this media pressure was getting under my skin- as well as Lando's and my whole equipe- pushing me to take a decision, do something and clear the air once for all.
We currently were in Brazil, for the GP in Interlagos, one of the most loved and waited race of all the calendar, and honestly also one of my favorite, for the warm atmosphere and welcome of the tons of fans there, the track itself and the shadow of Senna always there, in every corner of the country, reminding everyone how a big idol he is for every driver.
I was walking alone through the short street that would bring me to my hospitality, as Mike got stuck into the morning traffic of the city of São Paulo, Suz was already at work- still trying to help me in this helplessly job haunting- and Lando was busy with an early sponsor media activity somewhere at the circuit.
Although the loneliness, this was the perfect opportunity for me to collect my thoughts, clear my mind, listen to myself, as even dealing with my own life has became an imprese these past weeks.
The happiness from my recent graduation was still echoing in the air around me but it was as if it wasn't enough anymore to put on silent the main worries: next year I'll be jobless. Or at least I'll be if I do not make a choice in the next few days.
I was in auto-mode, strolling around the paddock, only stopping for the fans asking a photo or an autograph on their merchandise, while my mind was somewhere completely opposite from there.
Admitting to myself that Formula 1 wasn't anymore on my table must have been the most difficult thing I've ever done, even harder than asking, almost begging, Horner to give me another chance. On our last encounter, I have to admit, that I was met with a different Chris. At the little cosy cafe in Monte-Carlo, where I've met him alongside my agent, he opened up to me as he has never done before. He was truly sorry for me, above all when he explained how he had his hands stuck in this decision, as the bigger boss made the request to give a shot to new talents from their junior academy, in a clever attempt of preparing new good drivers like Max Verstappen, thinking of the future of the RedBull team.
Basically, if he couldn't do anything for me, I was completely hopeless then. The other teams had no vacant seat as they all confirmed they old line-ups, so my only chance could have been accepted to be again a reserve driver, waiting for my shot if it came.
After pondering days and days about this possibility, I came to the fact that I'd not wait a whole year, with my hands in hands, for a small chance. My biggest desire, aim and wish was racing, as a proper first driver, not being the plan B of somebody.
So other categories entered the game, starting from F2, still with RedBull, and other like Indycar, Hendurance and surprisingly also Rally- it was evident the hand of Carlos Sainz in the clothes of my boyfriend's best friend, who probably talked to his champion dad about giving me help. But was these options really suited for me?
Entering the blue and white hospitality, I didn't waste neither a minute looking for Susanne, who was finally back from a little break with her sweet half- how jealous I was! Luckily I found her immersed between her laptop and iPad in a random table at the cafeteria, sipping her usual green tea and chewing on her pencil, as a visible sign of the nervousness still there due the stress of the job haunting.
But it was time to end it...
"Suz! Oh my dear agent, finally you're back!" I almost screamed behind her back, making her jump on her seat.
"Gosh, Kia. You gave me an heart attack. Was that your attempt of killing me after all what I'm doing for you?" She said, scraping her forehead with her fresh-new manicured fingers.
"I've got good news-"
"What?! Tell me everything! Horner has finally changed his mind? I knew he wouldn't let a talent like you escape his hands, I mean, he's clever after all-" what a shame to interrupt her.
"Suz, wait a minute. Unfortunately not that kind of good news, but still. I want to get over all this situation, I've made a choice." Going straight to the point was the easiest way to go through it.
"Wait-what the... what do you mean?" Confusion was spread on her face while I couldn't hold back a big smile anymore.
"Just give me the ok and I'll spread the news. Please, I'm sick of all of this. I want to set a point and restart my life without wanders or questions or even doubts about everything I'll do or say." In this moment I was begging her to let me run to the media pen and share the news to everyone.
"Does it mean that you'll go with-"
I interrupted her as soon as I reckon that she understood my intention. "Yes, I think I'll do it." These words were soon followed by a big grin plastered on my lips and her arms tightened around my neck, pulling me in a warm hug.
"Oh sweetie. I'm so proud of you! This will be another new great experience for you, another little brick on the wall you're building . As I promised you before, whatever you'll do, I'll stand by your side. At least as long as you'd like me to." It was clear to everybody's eyes how emotional she was getting.
"Suz, you're not just my manager. You're one of my best friend, on and off track. This wind of change will keep you stuck with me, whatever will happen." My hand gripped her forearm in a little affectionate way.
"Oh, stop it now or you'll make me cry." She said, already wishing away a tear from her perfect make-up eyes.
"Nobody's crying without me. What are my ladies talking about?" Mike appeared behind us, with his sport bag loose on his shoulder- he was probably waiting for me to get over with our usual warm-up before the track walk with the rest of the team.
"Mikey, here you are! Flash news: you'll be happy to know that I'm about to launch the bomb." My smile reached also him while sharing my decision with the trainer as well.
"Which news?" He asked, pretty confused.
"Oh, you'll see. Be sure to have a seat around you or you'll faint and everybody will be so invested in my speech that you won't be saved!"
"Wait, are you going to do it today?" Suz asked me, maybe realising the fact that it was Thursday, aka media day.
"Oh Susie, Susie. I'm gonna do it just now!"
I was more than convinced that it was the right thing to do, that nothing or nobody could stop me.
I started to walk first to my changing room to leave there all my stuff, now useless for my plan. Then I ran off the stairs, almost bumping in some engineers and also the photographer of the team that stopped me to take a photo of my "surreal smile"- his exact words.
Suz and Mike stood where I left them at the small table down in the cafeteria, frozen in their spots, probably shocked by the amount of adrenaline and energy I was disseminating all around me.
"Are you coming or not?"
As soon as these words left my mouth, they both got up and pulled their belongings with them, ready to catch up after me, already on my way to the press stage. Once there, right in front of the entrance, I stopped all of a sudden, making my mates bumping into my back.
"Here we are, no coming back. I'm really doing it..." I whispered to myself, giving me a sort of prep talk.
"Sweetie, if you don't feel ready, we could just wait a few more days or just post a statement on your social medias, ok?" Suzanne replied, brushing a hand on my shoulder still from behind me.
"Answer me honestly: do you think I'm doing a mistake? Wait, before answering, just to let you know, I'm not backing off. It's just... maybe I'm scared a bit." I finally admitted, leaning on the red wall with the huge F1 logo printed on.
Mike made his bag fall on the ground, just at our feet, before copying my pose and embracing my shoulders under his arm. "Kia, you made all the right things to do. Your season was perfect just because of yourself. You're the only person to thank for all of this. But now- maybe now it's your time to change, not cause you're giving up on your dream, but because you're working honestly on it, trying your best on building it up, in order to be able to live it freely all the way in. You've never accepted other people's crumbles and you're definitely not starting now."
"Mikey is right- this time." Suz added, making the three of us chuckle. "I know for sure you're going to put all your effort and energy in this new chapter, because you're the most determinate person I've ever met. You believe in your dream because it's truly what you want to do in your life."
"Thank you guys, for everything. I love you both so so much." Saying so I pulled them in a tight hug, much needed before this big step.
As soon as we released the embrace, Suz fixed my shirt down the blue mini skirt I was wearing, while Mike brushed a finger under my eyes to brush off some mascara, probably melted for the tears of joy shared in this moment.
"Let's do it!"
***
Standing in front of a few cameras with way too many microphones just a few inches away, almost touching my face, I was gaining the last crumbles of braveness to spill the tea.
Thanks to the amazing job done by Suz, who in a bunch of minutes managed to collect the attention of a few local tvs together with others sport's magazines and their journalists, I was about to share my decision on my career- this way allowing me to dive right in, going straight to the point once for all.
"Ehm ehm-" I've started coughing nervously, moving further away one of the mic from my mouth- "good morning everyone. I know it could seem weird standing all together here right now but I swear, I have only good intentions." Some chuckles didn't wait to happen all around, making me relax in an instant. "As many of you know, my contract with the Alpha Tauri team is soon coming to an end, exactly like this eventful season. I'm glad and always will to have got this amazing chance to join Formula 1, my biggest dream since I was a kid. Unfortunately my fate decided to change the cards on the table, not giving me another great opportunity like this to claim a seat aka another season in this category. I've thought a lot about the other cool options I'm lucky to have received but to be honest with you all- but mostly with myself- my dream is racing here, with all these amazing drivers and their fast cars. Oh, before I forget: a big thanks goes to my boss Tost and also to the whole Red Bull family, who allowed me to chase this great chance, that really taught me a lot, not just as a driver but mostly as a person. I'm so thankful for all I've been through this past year, I'll never forget neither a minute of this season, hoping to end it in the best way possible for me and for my team, that always put the best effort here. Said so, I know you're here only to find out what I'm going to do next year, I get it, I'm getting there don't worry. Well, as racing has always held a special place in my heart and also life, I'm not giving up on this, on the other hand I'm not going to settle as well. For all this reasons I'm happy to announce that I'm going to take part in the upcoming engineering project as a Mechanic Engineer with RedBull, in order to learn some more about the technical stuff I've studied for these past few years- in other words I'll be quite often on track but on the other side! I'm even more than happy to announce that it's not just this: I'll be the Tutor and Mentor of the new young female drivers of the upcoming format of racing called F1 Academy, alongside the inspirational one and only Suzie Wolff. As one of the few female drivers in this manly male world, I've always wished a main figure to follow, as a teacher. Thinking that I'll be one of this figure next year for many other girls who are sharing my dream, is making me nervous but at the same time really proud! In conclusion of this way too long speech, I'd like to make clear one last point: I truly think F1 is my world, my final destination, so I'm not giving up on it, for no reason at all. I'll be back sooner that you can imagine, whatever it takes! I've already signed another contract as reserve driver for RedBull and AlphaTauri, exactly as I've started, because obviously I can't stay away from my car for too long, so I'll take any chance for coming back behind the wheel. Well...Thanks for your attention... now if you'll excuse me, I'll go enjoy these last hours with my team and my lovely car!"
These last words ended my announcement, hanging in the air around me some kind of white flag to all the speculations that lately were on my tile.
Smiling one last time to all the reporters, standing silently in front of me, almost as if they were shocked by all of that, a mixed feeling of anxiety and embarrassment reached me- and also my cheeks, who got even redder in the exact moment they started to clap vigorously their hands, cheering my name, patting my shoulders and back over the railing and catching everyone's attention also from the rest of the paddock.
At this point the smile that was printed on my lips didn't want to disappear, as it was craved for a while. The sensation of being light-hearted made me relax in a blink of an eye.
Only when some of the drivers, with engineers, team principles and other members came around my place, congratulating me too, I noticed how my huge face was plastered on many screens all behind me- and probably all around the whole circuit- meaning that everyone present and also at home had just listened to my words.
Some of the guys from the grid hugged me tight, wishing me the best for this new chapter of life, also joking about how much they'll miss me- Max even made me promise to come around often so he could keep getting under my skin as he was used to do during the whole season. Aroused by all the attention I was getting in the moment, I didn't notice how quickly Lando walked closer. While I was talking still with Lewis and Charles, he hugged me from behind, pulling me in his arms and making me spin crazily all around the media pen, hold tight against his toned body.
"You can't even imagine how proud I am of you right now, babe. I love you so much." He said, before putting me down on the floor again, keeping me steady on his front as my head was spinning even faster than me a few minutes ago. He laughed of me, then brushed one of his hand on my cheek, making me get lost in his special blue eyes, before leaning in to steal me a hungry kiss, right there, in front of everyone, who of course spotted us and cheered on us like a bunch of cheerleaders at a football game. After our shared moment of passion, he didn't let me go, with his forehead pressed on mine, one hand on my waist and the other still on my cheek, caressing it gently.
In this exact moment I realised how lucky I was, how much Formula 1 gave me this past year and a half.
If I didn't have the crash during the season with RB in F2 and didn't sign a reserve driver for them later and didn't accept the call in Hungary last year, I wouldn't have met the purest soul that made me fall in love unconditionally and so hard, I wouldn't have regained back my determination and confidence that struggled after the accident, I wouldn't have been so passionate about my studies in Engineer- that much to make me graduate in a record time and get a job in the field soon after.
Formula 1 has always been my dream and now that I was deep in the business, I have to admit that it's much more that just a dream- it's a reality where I can see myself spend the rest of my career.
"Darling, why are you crying? Everything is going to be alright, we're in this together, ok? I'll always be by your side, no matter what." His sweet voice reached my ears- my favorite melody.
"I swear, they're happy tears. I'm just so so happy, Lan." My face was pressed in the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply his fresh scent, craving him even though I was already caged in his arms. "Ti amo, Lan."