LEKSI
I thought I could find answers here, but alas nothing. The library was filled with pages and pages of knowledge and yet there was no answer to the show that happened last night. No answer to my conundrum - no answer to me.
Nothing could explain what I was.
I am an abomination.
The thought was scaring me now more than ever. It was becoming a problem as this was no longer about me, but affecting those I love too. It was messing with Mother and Fathers' lives. I was already changing the timeline. I know Father was reluctant to send me back but now with the King on alert, it was probably time we made some developments in that area.
It could mess with the timeline.
What would it be like when I got home?
Merzost... merzost.. merzost. The bane of my existence. Yes, it had made me feel sick when I had summoned, but it hadn't taken anything from me. With Father, his nichevoy'a gave him pain. With Mother, it had aged her hair. That was its price. It was not a 'small science'. It took. But not from me. What did that mean?
Again those words rang in my head.
I am an abomination.
"No!"
"Hel..." I began.
"You are not an abomination."
I was in Father's study. I think this was our thread. Shadows ebbed at the corners of the room, waiting protectively like guards. Father was tense, I realised.
"I never want to hear those words again."
I smiled.
"What happened to privacy?"
"You'll get some with a more positive mindset," was his response.
"Then what am I?"
"You know who you are."
"Do I? I think my little light show proved otherwise."
"You are special, you are grisha."
"That was no small science. That was an..."
He cut me off before I could repeat that word.
"You come from a special line of grisha, milaya. One of a kind. It is only natural..."
"Natural? Natural?" I boomed. "Nothing about this is natural!"
I had an orb of light in one hand and shadows in the other. I could feel them pull towards each other, but I fought it.
"Milaya."
My cheeks were wet.
"Ilya did this to us," I concluded. "This is his fault. He messed with the forbidden and damned us to a life of unbearable eternity."
The Darkling was silent.
"It was his perversion that led to Baghra and now us. I hate him!" I screamed, "I hate him!"
Now, I was weeping.
"Why am I like this?" I cried. Tears soaked my kefta.
Shadows spurred from my being, erratic, untamed. Like there were no consequences in this world. I was in pain. And the world could feel it. Another reminder of my power. I was expecting to feel the shield of Shadows from Father, but all I felt were arms. Arms holding me.
"Why do I cause destruction wherever I go?" I sobbed into his shoulder.
"Nobody wants me back home. Everyone is afraid of me. Even Grisha. Even you. Alistair has your legacy. Mother is the Sun. They all respect you. But where does that leave me? Unhinged? Unstable? They all look at me like a curse. And I am now."
"No," he whispered into my ear. "No, moya luna."
"Father, you saw it. Ilya experimented. He was in control. He chose this. And now I'm paying the price. I am the product of an experiment."
He didn't interrupt me.
"Father, what would we have been if it weren't for his experiments? Would we have been regular grisha? Would we be done with our miserable lives by now? Would we be rolling in our graves?"
Still silence.
"Do I deserve this?"
I pulled away from his embrace.
"Look at me." No response. "Look at me!" I screamed this time.
His gaze met mine.
Unsure.
I had never seen this look on him.
"Two juxtaposing forces are living inside me, fighting within me. It hurts." I said, stroking the back of my head.
This time he reaches out and caresses the spot I held.
"Father, I'm in pain. I don't want to live like this anymore."
He pulled me back in, and I continued to sob.
"I was unloved, and I could live with that, but now I'm a danger to those I care for. And that I cannot live with. Father, will you help me?"
"Anything," he whispered.
"One day, if I decide it is time or it is what is best before I hurt anyone else, will you..."
As if he knew what I was asking...
"No, he shrieked into my neck. "No, I will not."
He knew. He knew what I was asking.
"Father."
"No!" he boomed.
Shadows burst from his being in a way I had never seen. A tsunami of the night that knew no bounds. I watched as the sea shredded the study, causing destruction to anything that came in its path. I could feel the foundations of the Little Palace shaking. The nichevoy'a had woken.
"Father, please."
His cry was uncontrollable. I swear all of Ravka felt it.
"Father," I tried again, "Will you let me end my eternity?"
Nothing.
I could feel our tether withering. Shadow breaking shadow. His grip on me was tighter, unbreakable. I could not move a muscle. And suddenly, all the shadows were gone. I watched his face go numb. All traces of emotion had fled.
He was a general again.
"Aleksandria," his voice was cold.
I looked up into his cold stare. That was the man I remembered. The one from home.
"Never ask me such a thing again."
There was an undertone of warning, a tone that he had never used with me before, even at home. I was never to bring this up again.
"But..."
"Never," he glowered.
Now, that was a threat.
"I will not let you, milaya. I will protect you from yourself if I must." His voice was raspy, unhinged.
But I was only breaking further.
"Father, I can't..." my voice did not carry, "I cannot do this anymore."
He held me still.
"Nobody can love me. Nobody can want me. The shadows, the sun, the fight within, they're hurting me, I continued. "It's pulling me apart."
He stroked my head.
"Take away this pain," the words came out in a whisper.
I am an abomination.
I did not say it, but we both heard it.
"Please."
My final cry.
That's when I felt them. Droplets hit my cheek, my eyebrow, my nose. Tears, I realised.
But they were not mine.
Hey guys,
I know this was a kinda painful chapter but I was really in my feels and wanted to explore the depth of Leksi's pain a little more. So far it's mainly been the Darkling being a softie and Alina having breakdowns so I thought it was time to bring it back to our shining star. I know this was depressing but it was definitely cathartic to write. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and as always let me know your thoughts and name suggestions below! Have a great week everyone! Love y'all ❤️
Also thank you @kedaradash for naming the last two chapters!! You're a real one 🫶