Now, Fall 2023
"Hello?" I say to the phone, which is wedged between my shoulder and my ear, as I wave goodbye to the teachers walking out of the room and collect my stuff at the same time.
"Hey. You home yet?" Freddie asks, his voice a bit breathy like he's been running.
"No, I'm still at the school. Running late from a staff meeting." I shoulder my bag, now I can properly hold the phone to my ear. "Why? You in the city?"
"School? Staff meeting?" he sounds a bit distracted. "Sorry. Seems like there's a lot of things I need to catch up on."
"Yeah, I just started student teaching last week."
"Oh. That's cool." There's a pause where he talks to someone, before he returns to the phone, the volume of his voice considerably lower now. "Yeah, so I finally have a week off from all the bullshit Harvey's had me take care of this past month."
"That's great, Fred. A bit of a break, huh?"
"Well, it's more likely that I'll still be working at the Manhattan office every day. But at least I get to see my own bed again."
"Where have you been, anyway?"
He sighs tiredly. "I'll tell you all about it when I see you. Anyway, your Code Maroon situation. That talk's so long overdue. I'm so sorry about it. I was going to call you about it but got distracted by other stuff. You and your guy alright?" he asks quietly into the phone.
"It's all fine. We're taking it slow for the moment."
"Alright. Okay. Well, there's a situation. Can't really talk about it here," he pauses, "too many people around me. I'm getting on the jet right now. I'll see you in a few hours?"
"Sure. Let me know when you're arriving—I'll make dinner."
"Oh, don't stress about it. Just order something or whatever."
"I don't mind. I gotta clean out the fridge, anyway," I tell him. "Text me when you're on the ground, yeah?"
"Will do." There's another pause, and there's muffled noises of people talking around him. Seemingly close enough to listen in on his call, because his voice gets a bit louder when he talks again, "Missed you, baby. I'll see you at home. Uh-huh. Love you too, Jo."
I snort out a laugh. He sounds so stiff and unnatural, like he's reading off a teleprompter. "See you soon, loser."
I end the call and stop to stare at my lock screen. I feel a small smile bloom, and I don't even try to hold it back. It's a picture of me and Jonah at the Eras Tour last month.
I was in a terribly fitted dark auburn wig, wearing a pink cardigan and pink plaid skirt, and red sunglasses on my head—my take on Taylor Swift's mean girl character from her "You Belong with Me" music video. He was wearing an army green shirt and jeans, since he refused to wear the "I <3 TS" cropped t-shirt and black shorts I got for him. Coward.
We took this selfie minutes before Taylor came on stage. He was kissing me on the cheek, and I had my arm around his neck. We didn't take any more pictures together after that, since I was busy screaming-singing-crying for over three hours. He was singing along to some of her songs too—surprisingly, he knows every lyric to the songs from folklore—so I knew he was also having fun.
It was easily the best night of my life. Every time she came up on stage wearing a new outfit in blue, and how she ended up announcing an album release in the middle of the show? The whole stadium went crazy. It was priceless. Jonah couldn't have picked a better date for us to go to, and afterwards, I totally made sure to let him know how much I appreciated it.
We spent four nights together at his place in LA, and he took me for dinner at his own restaurant the day before the concert. I introduced myself as just his friend to his colleagues, which he didn't mind. The food was amazing, and the place was insanely cozy—a modern-rustic style that really screams his personality. I can still taste the jus that was served with the chicken ballotine on a bed of grilled lettuce, and it's making my mouth water.
The day after the concert, I spent the whole day watching him work in the kitchen of the restaurant—I don't even know where he got all the energy to do that, because I was a wreck. But I got to taste-test some of the recipes he was working on for the fine-dining event he'd told me about. He was in the final stages of developing his five-course menu and he had me taste a few different options for each course.
I got to eat all these amazingly fancy meals for free, cooked by the hot chef himself, who kept blushing whenever I made unholy noises after each bite of the food I tasted—all genuine, but I couldn't lie, I also wanted to see him squirm. Truthfully, I have no idea if my input will have any impact at all on his final menu, but it didn't really matter to me because everything was super tasty and I had a lot of fun with him.
That was the longest time we've spent together, and it still didn't feel enough.
We haven't seen each other again since then, but we still text. There's something relaxing about us that we didn't have before, back when we were together the first time around. Once again, we are in different time zones, but it doesn't bother us the way it did back then.
I don't mind that sometimes it takes him a whole day to text me back, and he doesn't mind that sometimes my replies are shorter and sparse. We don't expect nightly phone calls, and it doesn't even matter that sometimes calls go into voicemail because, once we finally can both be on the phone, we'll talk for hours and hours until we tire ourselves out and nothing else matters.
In hindsight, what happened between us all those years ago was really senseless. I've been recalling all the fights we used to have and, honestly, it was all very trivial. We were very naïve, going into a long-distance relationship without really preparing ourselves for it. I admit a lot of my faults, too—how sometimes I used to get irritated when he forgot to call. Or felt a bit jealous when I heard him talk about his new friends, even though I tried to not show it.
Maybe there was a bit of childish bitterness too—I admired that Jonah went into the top university of his choice, but I was also insistent about taking a gap year that sometimes I selfishly wished he'd gone to somewhere closer to Los Angeles. When I really think about it now—that was probably why our different time zones affected me more than it should.
Then again, we were both young, and it was the first serious relationship for both of us.Everything felt too grand at that age, and I guess we blew it out of proportion. Maybe we expected too much from each other, and reality hit us way too hard. Maybe we just needed to learn from our own mistakes. Or maybe, it just wasn't our time yet. Maybe all we needed was to grow apart so our pieces could finally fit together in the end.
I get into the train after sending Jonah a short recap of my day at the school. Then, I add: Let me know if I can call tonight! Followed by a few emojis, just to keep it cute. He won't reply until he gets off work today—he always turns off his phone and keeps it in his office on certain days when he's actually working in the kitchen—but I like to shoot him a few texts so I don't forget to when I get home.
I still haven't told him about the arrangement between Freddie and me.
I know I should do it soon. I should've told him in Los Angeles. But I also knew I couldn't—I hadn't talked to Freddie yet about it. The only person who knows about this arrangement, other than the two of us, was Gina, and it was only because she was also the only person out of my immediate family who knew about my cancer diagnosis, and even then, she didn't really know the details about this arrangement.
I didn't tell Jonah when we first saw each other again in May, because I didn't think I'd ever see him again after that dinner we had, and I didn't think it would matter. And I know I should have told him when we finally got together after the reunion, but it wasn't like I could just blurt out, "Hi, by the way, I'm actually married. Surprise?"
I know that once I tell Jonah about it, I have to tell him everything about it to make him understand the choices that I made. But I still don't know if Freddie would want Jonah to know about the situation with his family and the company. We haven't talked about it yet. And these conversations—the ones I need to have with Jonah and with Freddie—are the kinds of conversations we need to have face-to-face.
But I also know that the longer I keep this from him, the harder it will be once I have to tell him.
Once again, the timing isn't right.
And to be honest, I am scared. I keep putting it off because I'm scared of what his reaction would be. I'm scared that he wouldn't take it well. I'm scared of fucking everything up.
But so far, Jonah has been so understanding. He knows that I can't yet put a label on whatever it is that we have right now, even though I really want to. But he keeps his word—that I'm taking the lead and he follows.
Hopefully, now that I'm finally having The Talk with Freddie tonight, means that I can explain everything to Jonah soon. Hopefully, he'll understand.
Hopefully, he won't run, then.
"Oo! Did you hear that?"
I nudge Lucy, who's watching a nature documentary on TV. It's her latest hyper-fixation, and she's been so excited to learn about cats—the big ones, in the wilderness. The thinks she can pet one, just because we have my cat, Little Ant, at home. Cole has had to explain to her the important differences between a house cat and a lynx, and how we can't cuddle with the bigger cats no matter how fluffy and warm they look.
She's half asleep already, but has so far refused to be put to bed, and is currently having a little tantrum about it. Every time I think she's finally dozing off, she keeps jolting back awake and gettingangry about it, like it's my fault that she feels sleepy. "Freddie's home. Wanna get up and greet him?"
I wait for a moment until Lucy looks up and hums in agreement, before making grabby hands at me. I sigh in relief—at least she's no longer screaming at me, although she's giving me silent treatment instead. I pick her up and carry her on my hip, meeting Freddie in the foyer who looks at the girl in surprise.
"Oh! Hey, Lucy. Still awake?" He leans over for a quick peck on my cheek. "Hi, Han."
I make a face at his shadowed face. I haven't seen him look unshaven in a long time. "Oof, you look rough."
He chuckles a little, running a hand down his jaw. "Yeah. I've been running on fumes. Thankfully, got a few hours of sleep on the way here."
"Mm-hm. You feel refreshed after your nap? No longer feeling tired, right?" I say, as I lightly bounce Lucy in my arms. She lets out a little sigh and finally drops her head on my shoulder. "See? Doesn't a nap sound nice? You've had a long day, baby."
Lucy shakes her head and whines, but is still snuggling into my neck. "No."
"Dinner's ready, but I'm gonna try putting her to bed first, alright?" I say to Freddie.
Freddie nods. "I'll go wash up first."
I carry Lucy upstairs. She kicks out her legs a little in protest, but I know she's way too tired at this point. It's past 9, way after her bedtime. It's the third night she's had tantrums about bedtime since we got here.
I didn't want to bring her with me to New York, initially, but then she had a complete meltdown when she saw me packing my bags. I thought I could coax her into letting me go like I did last spring, but she wasn't having it.
After discussing it with my parents, we finally agreed to take her with me to New York. I can't do my fall semester from home, because I need to complete my student teaching hours—I signed up for a school closer to the college, because they wouldn't approve my request to do it closer to my parents' home since it's all the way across the country. Currently, I've got two days a week in-person, and the other three are virtual classes days, so I can still take care of Lucy at Freddie's home most days in the week.
Everything went great, at first. I couldn't believe it, but she was behaving well, and even made new friends at the daycare. It's only recently that she's started having little tantrums. This time, it's about bedtime.
She whines and protests as I read her a story. Patiently, I still push through, even when she tries to grab the book from me a few times. Whenever she gets a little too rough, I stop and scold her gently. I admit that this all has been getting a little frustrating, but I have to keep my emotions in check and make sure not to raise my voice at her. It's not easy—I usually have Mom or Cole's help back home. But I'm managing.
It's not until fifteen minutes later that her eyelids finally start to droop, her little kicks slackening. I already knew she was going to run out of fuel soon—she didn't even take a nap at the daycare. Still, I don't stop with my bedtime story, keeping my voice even and soothing until she's fully asleep.
Once she's off to dreamland, I tuck her in my bed, praying that I won't jostle her awake later when I finally retire to the space on bed next to her. I still need to have that talk with Freddie.
A shadow appears in the doorway, and I raise my finger to my lips so Freddie doesn't make a sound. Carefully, I close the bedroom door and follow him down to the kitchen.
Author's note: I'm very sad to tell you guys that we didn't make it into the Wattys shortlist :') I'm a bit bummed about it, but I'm hoping to submit it again next year when it's completed! I'm also changing my schedule to Saturday updates (around 12 PM GMT +7) just so I don't have to do my final editing at work😂
I'm also planning to write another story after this one. I know I have a couple books that I abandoned while I was taking my long writing break. Have you guys read any of them—and if you have, which one do you want me to continue writing next?
One last thing: I want to give a big shout out to everyone who's supported me on Ko-fi, and I want you to know just how much I appreciate it! You guys can also now check out the playlist for Part Three from the link on my bio. Can you maybe guess what's gonna happen from the songs on the playlist?