I left school with Liv. I didn't wait until we had gone somewhere else to smoke a cigarette. I gave one to Liv, lit mine and inhaled immediately. Half my lunch break was taken away because I had to go to the principal's office. He's furious about my absences and behavior. I told him I'd get better, but he said I was lying. I was, actually.
— Did you know that Anika is sitting at the table with us now? — Liv asked
— I think after tonight's party, she and Mindy will become an official couple.
I really enjoy seeing them together. You can see that Anika cares a lot. She is perfect for my friend.
— Wouldn't that be too soon?
— Lesbians do that — I shrugged
— You are the exception to the rule. How long has something been going on with Tara? — she laughed
Me and Tara still haven't talked about it. Yesterday, after returning home, we just went to sleep. In one bed. But no kissing or touching other than hugging. On the way to school, we didn't talk about it either. We talk...as usual. About school, about the cruise, about Tara coming home today, about party.
— You know I don't label myself. And we're not girlfriends.
I don't care about orientation. It is what it is.
— That's what I am talking about. What are you waiting for?
— Liv, it literally took us almost two months to get to the stage of liking each other. Liking in a friends way. We "hated" each other for two years — I said and took a drag on nicotine
Smoking will kill me one day.
— Do you have friends with benefits? — Liv asked and sat on the bench
— No. We...I have no idea what we are, okay? — I admitted
— And what do you want you two to be?
I don't know what I want us to be. I just want her. No, I need her. For now, that's all I'm sure of.
— Let's not talk about this — I sat on a bench too and put a cigarette in my mouth — Where are they all anyway?
— Chad, Mindy and Anika in the canteen. Tara and Wes went somewhere.
— What? — I asked and spit a cigarette on the lawn
I stepped on it so as not to set the grass on fire.
I guess this is some kind of joke. She definitely didn't go anywhere with him.
— They went somewhere to talk.
— What?! — I shouted — And you're telling me now?!
Liv furrowed her eyebrows, surprised by my reaction.
Did she go alone with him? What the fuck? Doesn't she learn from her mistakes? Are they kissing right now? Is their relationship not over? I wonder what they're talking about... It's better for him to let her go.
— Amber, they've been friends for years. And almost a couple. Tara probably tells him not to get his hopes up anymore.
— Why didn't she discuss it with me? — I asked
After all, someone should be around. She knows how he behaved. How can she still trust him?
— You were at the principal's...
— Phones fucking exist!
She had time to send me a gif of some weird cat, but she couldn't text that she was going to talk to this fucking pervert.
— Calm down. You can't be so possessive Amber! Tara would never cheat on you.
— Yeah but...
— You're jealous — Liv laughed at me and something inside me stirred
— I'm not!
I'm not fucking jealous, I'm just worried. There's a difference.
— I'm going to find her.
I got up but Liv grabbed my hand and sat me back on the bench.
— Let them talk. Everyone is tired of him being in love with her.
I sighed and took a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket. I need to smoke again. The Hicks are destroying my mental health.
...
the manipulator: I can't wait to see you again
the manipulator: maybe I should come over and do something nice to you
I'm standing against the wall and staring at the message. Jill what the fuck are you doing again? I don't want a repeat. I already gave it a chance and it ended badly.
A memory of the action on the table in the living room came to my mind. Fuck it. Jill can be an amazing memory, but also one that makes me want to puke.
{4 years ago, April 20}
I'm looking at the girl sitting on the floor next to the bed. Aunt Kate called me before to say something was happening again. Chauffeur brought me here as quickly as possible.
— I don't know what to do anymore — Kate said
Jill looked up and laughed furiously. I'm looking at her not understanding what is happening to my friend. She had bad days, weeks actually, but I guess everyone has those sometimes, right? However, with her it all works more strongly.
— The best thing you can do is fuck off! — the girl said
— Get a grip or you'll end up in a psych ward! — Kate informed her angrily and left the room, slamming the door.
I turned back to Jill, unsure how to go about talking. I don't understand why her bad states come back so regularly. She then becomes a different person.
— You don't understand anything — she said before I could open my mouth
— Then just tell me how you feel. I can listen.
— No.
I clenched my jaw and sighed. Blake and Kate don't know what to do anymore. She goes from therapist to therapist and nothing.
— Jill — I started and moved closer
— Not a step further! — she screamed and stood up
— All right! — I raised my hands up shocked — I'll stay there, just talk to me.
— What the fuck is there to talk about? Fucking meds don't work.
Again? They have changed them many times.
— Maybe they will prescribe you a different one — I have no idea how it work — But, do you take them at all?
She is looking at me in a way that I hate. Her eyes are strange, not so sensitive anymore.
— Don't make me look crazy. I don't need treatment.
— Doctors say it's necessary.
A second later she pushed me furiously. When she wanted to do it again, I stopped her.
— You think I'm fucking sick!
— No. No, I don't! But you fucking feel bad and you won't even let anyone help you!
— So should they put me in a psych ward?!
— If it would help, then yes!
I felt her slapping my cheek with her open hand.
— Get the fuck out!
— No... Jill...
She grabbed my clothes and started dragging me to the door. I'm trying to stop it somehow but she is much stronger than me.
— I thought that as my friend you would be on my side!
— Wait! Let's leave this topic, we will do whatever you want!
— Fuck you! You're just like them all!
A moment later she pushed me into the corridor, where I bumped into the cleaning lady, knocking the vacuum cleaner out of her hands. Jill slammed the door and I turned to the woman.
— I'm sorry — I said and I picked up the vacuum cleaner to give it to her
— This has been going on for a week now — she told me quietly
I didn't answer, I just furrowed my eyebrows, sad that I didn't know how to help Jill. She was fine at my birthday party.
— She throws all medications into the trash — she added
— Good to know.
{Now}
I felt suddenly nauseous and ran to the restroom. The two girls standing by the sinks looked at me strangely as I kneel at the toilet.
— Pregnancy? — one of them asked
— If only it were possible...— I said
I didn't throw up. I sat against the wall and fixed my hair. I bit the inside of my cheek and sighed. What the fuck does she want?
The restroom emptied for a moment, but a few seconds later someone ran in.
— Amber? — Tara asked
— Here — I said
She walked over to the last booth and crouched down next to me. She put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me worried.
— I saw you running in here. What's wrong?
— I thought I was going to throw up, but no — I explained
— Did you get sick?
— No. I'm fine.
— Wanna go home?
I can't run away the same day after talking to the principal about my absences.
— I'm good.
Should I tell her about Jill's messages? Or maybe it's better to just ignore it. Roberts typically just wants to piss me off. Nothing new. I'd be more scared if she wrote: "hi, how are you? im sorry for being a total bitch".
— I'll walk you to class — I said and stood up
— You will pay attention to us.
It surprised me a bit, but okay. I looked at Tara and nodded. She didn't care that much before. She wasn't afraid to show herself with me. Why this sudden change?
— Right. So go out first.
— Okay. I'll see you after class.
She left the toilet and I leaned against the wall exhausted. I feel that our "thing" will be even harder than before. When I was seen with other girls and Tara was seen with...Wes...no one would have even thought we could be something. And now? If I start rejecting every girl, they might start suspecting me of being with someone.
My phone vibrated so I took it out of my pocket and unlocked it.
the manipulator: I regret not finishing job on that table
I had disgust on my face and a moment later I fell to my knees and started to vomit. Thank you, Jill.
...
I parked in front of the house and Tara and I went inside. The first thing I did was go upstairs and brush my teeth. I still have that awful vomit taste in my mouth, even after I've chewed five gums. Tara wanted to peck me on the lips as I parked outside the house, but I had to push her away. Kissing after throwing up is disgusting. But I can't tell her I did it because she'll assume I'm sick. I also don't want to tell her about Jill because she'll worry unnecessarily. This crazy woman won't come to my house.
When I came out of the bathroom refreshed, I saw Tara sitting on my bed. She's sitting and staring at her phone. I walked over and crawled across the bed to sit behind her and rest my head on her shoulder.
— What time will Sam be there? — I asked
— I have no idea. You never know with her.
Tara turned off the screen and turned her head to me.
— It sucks that you're moving out — I told her
She laughed and bit her lip. I looked at her lips with a soft smile and started rubbing her back with my hand.
— I can come for the sleepover sometimes — she said and she tilted her head significantly
— What would we do?
I moved my hand to the nape of her neck. Tara smiled and turned her body more towards me.
— Fun stuff — she answered
— Yes?
— Yes.
I felt a tightness in my lower abdomen. Tara leaned in and connected our lips in a soft and long kiss. I ran my tongue over her bottom lip and moved her even closer. The shorter girl lifted her hand and placed it on my shoulder as if she was afraid I would pull away. I grabbed her chin and deepen our kiss.
— How do you do that? — Tara asked a moment later as she moved away
— Do what?
— You make me want more, every time you kiss me.
I smirked, looked into her eyes and pecked her nose.
— I noticed.
She threw her arms around my neck and knelt on the bed. I sat down cross-legged and kissed her again. A few seconds passed and the girl sat on my thighs. I grabbed her waist, pulling her to me. Her lips fight mine, but I'm in control. I paused for a moment and ran my hand through her hair.
— When I kiss you, I feel sparks — Tara said
— I'm not romantic, I won't say anything overly sweet — I said and kept eye contact — But you bring out feelings in me that others can't.
— So you admit I'm hot?
— I never questioned it — I whispered in her ear
She kissed me and pushed me onto the bed. I laid down, dragging her with me. I let her be on top of me for a moment, then roll over to be on top of her. Tara smiled into the kiss, which was palpable. I grabbed her wrist and put it over her head.
— Want to go further? — I asked and I got up a bit
— Yes — she answered while staring into my eyes
I kissed her briefly, then leaned back to take off my shirt. I did it slowly, staring at the girl below me. Her fingers went straight to my stomach, and I leaned down and pecked her cheek. I slowly kiss down, feeling the urge to kiss her whole body.
— No, wait — she said and her mood deteriorated
She took her hands from my body and held her face.
— Something's wrong? — I asked worried and sat next to her
I grabbed her left wrist to pull it closer and grab her hand. She turned her head to me and sat cross-legged.
— No, but Sam...I don't want her to suspect anything. And I should pack my things. I'm sorry.
She's right. It would be risky doing it now, when Sam might suddenly show up. Tara's right and she shouldn't apologize for changing her mind.
— Don't say sorry, Tara. This is fine — I smiled, so she did too — I'll even help you pack.
— Will you do it?
— Of course.
I kissed her forehead and got out of bed. I took her hand and lifted her up. Sex isn't everything. We can do it another day. Honestly, I prefer it to be slow, no rush. Her comfort is important to me.
...
I left the house with a smile on my face. I locked the gates and doors with the remote to annoy Sam a bit. I noticed a girl standing by the gate. She's holding it and staring at me. I smirked and slowed down my walk.
— You're not in a hurry, are you? — she asked with a mean tone
I entered the code and then let her in. She is looking at me with murder in her eyes.
— I hope she slept in the guest room — she said — Alone.
— She did.
— And that you didn't tap her.
I deliberately looked away to pretend to think.
— Amber...
She turned me to her and looked at me with fear. Sam Carpenter really hates me. Me and Tara would be her worst nightmare.
— I didn't. Don't worry.
I did it a long time ago. Twice.
— I hate you.
— It's my pleasure.
Tara left the house, probably to see if we were still alive. She came over to us and immediately hugged Sam. Her bag dropped to the ground.
I'm looking at the sisters and I actually like the view. You can see that they care about each other and feel safe when they are around.
— Amber saved me, don't kill her.
I smiled at Tara's words.
— I would win anyway — I said proudly
— You wouldn't — both said at the same time
— Whatever.
They pulled apart and Sam picked up Tara's bag. The younger girl looked at me and I gave her a soft smile. She came closer and hesitantly hugged me. I patted her shoulder, trying to make it look like a simple friendly hug.
— Thank you — she whispered
— I'll text you later.
— Why? — Sam asked but when Tara looked at her in annoyance, she raised her hands and stepped back.
Tara pulled back and I nodded. After a moment of silence she looked at Sam as if to signal her. The older one looked around and then looked at me. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for the situation to develop.
— Glad you helped my sister... — she mumbled
— Sam — Tara admonished her
— Thanks, Freeman! — she said louder and rolled her eyes
— You're welcome.
Sam turned around and went to the car. It must have cost her a lot to say that. I looked at Tara who was clearly enjoying the situation.
— I see you at party or should I come pick you up? — I asked
— At the party.
— Okay, but I'll take you home.
— Fine. Bye Amber.
— Bye.
She walked to the car and I watched her. I hope we're not making a mistake with everything that's going on.
Sam drove off and I pulled out my phone, intending to text Liv. That bitch might need a ride because Chad is going with his teammates. He didn't want to drive because he wouldn't come back drunk anyway. They'd probably take Liv too, but I know she doesn't like them.
Once I got into the messages, I saw another one from Jill. Fuck. I reluctantly entered the conversation.
the manipulator: if you haven't replied we must meet in person
My eyes widened and I looked around. I'm alone. She's definitely not here. But to be sure, I'll call security. The thought of seeing Jill is terrifying, but thrilling nonetheless. One thing's for sure, I don't want to see her alone.
me: can't wait
I replied this way to show her that I don't care. And that I'm not afraid. But honestly, I'm a little scared. She's always had this power over me. Of all the drugs, she is the most destructive.