When I got home yesterday, Tara wasn't there. I waited for her for hours, I even sent her "a few"messages. She didn't answer to any. I made dinner for us, but I didn't even eat it because of my nerves. I wanted to eat with her.
I spent the whole evening wondering why she was ignoring me. I was freaking out not knowing where and with whom she was. I even texted some people, maybe they saw her somewhere. Nothing. Worst scenarios flashed through my mind. I was really scared. I sat on the couch for about 5 hours, hoping that she would come in soon and explain everything to me.
All this waiting time, I was thinking about the morning. Did I really say something I shouldn't? I wanted to be honest with her. Maybe I shouldn't open up.
It was after midnight when she finally returned. I immediately got up and walked over to her. Tara didn't look me in the eyes. Her face looked even more confused than in the morning. I could smell the alcohol off her, so I moved away and just let her pass. I didn't want to talk to her when she was drunk. That would probably end badly. I have no idea what I said wrong that she had to drink.
She didn't go to my room. She went straight to the guest room where she was supposed to sleep at first. I was a bit disappointed, but it's okay.
— Tara — I said while trying to wake her up
We have to go to school and I don't care if she has a hangover.
— Tara — I repeated and she turned around
She's wearing clothes from yesterday. Her hair falls over her forehead. Looks like she's exhausted. I wonder how much she drank.
— What, Amber? — she asked silent
— Go take a shower. We're leaving in hour and half.
— Where?
— School.
— Jesus.
Reluctantly, she got up and ran a hand over her head.
— I hope you had fun at least! — I said a little pissed off
— Not now, please.
I clenched my teeth but nodded anyway. I left the room and went to get ready. I still need to make her some vitamin-packed breakfast. What if she hadn't eaten anything but breakfast yesterday?
Honestly, I didn't expect Tara to act like her mother in this whole situation. Drinking without any occasion? It's not her. I need to talk to her before this all goes wrong.
...
We ate breakfast separately. I couldn't sit at the same table with Tara because it would lead to an argument. I am mad. I have a right to be mad.
I texted and called and she gave no sign of life. I felt ignored, but most of all I was worried.
When we left, I locked the house and opened the gate with the remote. We got into the car, still in silence. Tara is wearing sunglasses. And it's good because without them she looks like after a week's rave. I started the engine and quickly squealed out of the driveway.
— You want to kill us? — she asked and looked at me
— Oh, so you know how to talk?
— What?
No, Tara. Don't pretend you don't understand.
— Don't act stupid — I said and gripped the steering wheel tighter
— What's wrong with you?
I took my phone out of my pocket and dropped it on her lap. I know I'm being aggressive but I have reasons.
— Read how many messages I sent you!
— Saw it this morning — she said it calmly — And please don't yell at me, my head is pounding.
She took my phone and put it in my backpack. I looked at her and back in front of me. I'd better focus on driving.
— Did you take the medicine I gave you? — I asked
— I forgot.
I nodded and decided not to say anything else. I'd smoke a cigarette but the sliding roof is closed. I don't like smoking in confined spaces. I can't open it because it will be even more visible who I'm with. It's enough that Amanda and Anika suspect us. I have no problem with people seeing me with Tara. But she would break down if there were rumors that there was something between us.
After a moment of silence, Tara rested her head against my shoulder. At first I thought about pushing her away from me but I didn't. I couldn't.
...
I parked further than usual outside the school. That will be best for both of us. I turned off the engine and waited for Tara to get up. It didn't happen. I looked at her and I saw that she is sleeping. Great.
— Carpenter, end of the route.
She shivered slightly and moved her lips.
— Come on — I said
— Okay.
She pulled away from me and rubbed her eyes.
— I can't believe you made me go to school.
— You are one of the best students, you must take care of attendance. Besides, you shouldn't drink. You did it to yourself.
— And who says that...
— Fuck off — I said — Seriously, use your brain for once!
I quickly grabbed my backpack and got out of the car slamming the door. As I walked to school area, I lit a cigarette.
— What's wrong with you? — I heard and car door slammed again
I keep walking, ignoring Tara who's trying to catch up with me. I took a drag on my cigarette and finally saw my friends. I started walking towards them, hoping that Tara would let go. Well, she doesn't give up.
When I was close to the table we always sit at, Tara grabbed my arm and spun me around. My cigarette almost fell out. I looked at her in shock, wondering what is she doing. Everyone's here. Does she really want to argue in front of them?
— Tell me what is your problem! — she said
— What's my problem?! — I asked mad
I'm looking into her eyes, I can feel the nerves going through me.
— Girls, what's going on? — Chad interjected but Liv told him to not say anything
I'm not taking my eyes off Tara. She looks wasted. Why is she mad at me? I have the right to be angry. She disappears, gets drunk and then doesn't even say anything.
— I won't talk about it now — I told her
I took another puff to calm myself down. I don't want to talk in public. It'll only cause trouble.
— Of course, it's better to live in disagreement for you. I didn't do anything to you and you're being mean. Again!
— Stop it! — I told her
— You do drugs and you're mad at me because I had a drink once!
She smiled but she isn't happy at all. I feel like someone ripped my stomach open. Why does she mention drugs? And what "once"? She didn't get drunk once. From what I've noticed over the years, she doesn't give up alcohol at all.
— It's not about the drinking, it's just that yesterday you fucking disappeared! I had no idea what was going on with you!
— So now you care?
She said it in such a haughty tone. I don't like it. She knows I care.
— Yes, I fucking care about you! — I shouted — And now I'm pissed off! I told you that you mean something to me and you just left. It was low!
— Wait what is going on? Since when you two are friends? — Wes asked
— Fuck off! — me and Tara said at the same time
— You both acting weird — Mindy said — And Tara...you look terrible. What happened?
— Nothing — she answered and she wore her sunglasses
— Maybe you girls, should talk calmly. Face to face, no public — Liv told us
— I wanted to, but someone is fucking impatient.
— Yeah, because with you every minute matters! Once you're nice and sweet and then something changes.
— We're not talking here about it!
I grabbed her arm and started leading her to the school. She didn't resist. If she wants to talk so much, we'll talk. But only me and her. No one else.
— Can you be more gently? — she asked irritated
— No.
We went to the back of the school, which is usually empty at this hour. Students are not willing to see each other before lessons, everyone is sleepy. Only my group has such strange habit.
I let go of her arm and stepped away angrily. Tara leaned against the wall and crossed her arms. Her sunglasses fall over her nose and I see her eyes.
— Where were you yesterday? — I asked her
— Is this an interrogation?
Don't act like me...
— Kinda.
My patience is running out, I swear.
— I was walking — she said
— And?
— I was drinking alcohol.
— And?
— That's it. What were you expecting?
I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes. She can't be serious right now...
— Do you have any idea how fucking worried I was about you?!
— Wait, really? — she asked and her face changed
How can she doubt it? Haven't I already shown her that I care about her?
— No shit, I was joking! Of course I was worried!
She moved away from the wall and stood closer to me. It all frustrates me so much.
— I'm sorry I didn't know.
— I feel stupid. I fucking opened up to you, Tara!
— I know...
— Why the hell you were drinking?
— Because...— she hesitates — you said a lot.
— I knew it. I shouldn't...
— No. No! I'm happy you did. I just...I got scared.
— Scared of what? — I asked
— You — Tara said softly
Am I scaring her? What am I doing wrong this time?
— Me?
— It's just... what you said made me happy. Really happy. And I was hoping...it doesn't matter.
She lowered her head and I put my hand on her shoulder.
— It does matter — I told her
There is silence. I don't want to rush or pressure her, but I want to know.
— I wanted to kiss you — she finally said and looked at me
I opened my mouth slightly in shock. What? Tara wanted to kiss me? We were sitting close, but I didn't notice. It seemed to me that she wanted to be as far away from me as possible.
— I was afraid I'd do it. And that you'll push me away, you'll scream, you'll laugh at me.
I'm looking at her thinking about right answer. I feel better that that's why she ran away. I was afraid I had gone too far.
— I wouldn't — I said quietly
I saw a twinkle in her eyes and then relief.
— I haven't been fair to you — she told me — Neither yesterday nor today. I'm sorry.
— It's okay, I get it now.
I see that she's sad, so I pulled her closer to me and hugged her. She rests her forehead against my shoulder and I'm gently stroking her hair. It's sad that she thought I'd act like that. Right, I would have punched her in the past...but now, things are different.
Her body twitches slightly, she's crying. I'm hugging her tighter and tighter. I don't want her to cry. I want her to feel safe.
— It's fine Tara — I told her — And I'm begging you, don't disappear like that anymore. I was really worried.
— I won't, I'm sorry. I just panicked, I don't know why.
We stay like that for a moment longer and finally Tara lifts her head to look at me. She moved her hand from my shoulder to my chest.
— You have a good heart, Amber.
I looked into her eyes in shock. Nobody has ever told me that. My stomach clenched and I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
Does she really mean it? I'm not a good person but...I guess I have my moments. Sometimes I do.
I felt a tingle in my body and I started drawing circles on her cheek with my thumb. Her skin seems to become softer with each touch.
— Why are you looking at me like that? — she asked with a smile
— I have no idea — I whispered
I leaned in and connected our lips in a kiss. I closed my eyes, ready for the consequences.
I don't care about anything else now, I only care about this moment.
Tara quickly moved her hands to my shoulders, but didn't push me away. I just smiled into her lips happy that I feel it again. It's the slowest and sweetest kiss of my life.
It doesn't hit me that I'm actually kissing her... No drugs, no alcohol, it is just happening.
I cupped her other cheek with my other hand. I'm kissing her with affection, calmly.
When I felt the need for air, I reluctantly broke the kiss and opened my eyes. We're looking at each other and I wonder if it really happened. And what's now? Does it matter?
— Was it okay? — I asked
— Yeah — she gasped, breathing heavily — It was more than okay.
I smirked and fixed my hair. Tara's staring at me, her eyes are sparkling. It's probably because she was crying earlier.
— I guess we should go back. They'll think I killed you.
We laughed staring into each other's eyes. I don't know why but I can't look anywhere else right now.
— Let's go — she said and I slowly moved my hands down from her cheeks
We're walking to our friends in silence. I can't stop smiling. That's not good. Where's my bitch face when I need it?
— Our children are back — Liv said — How did the conversation go?
— Amazing, I won — I said and smiled at Tara
— It was painful to admit you were right — she answered
I bit the inside of my cheek and looked away to stop smiling like an idiot. Liv's looking at me knowingly. I can't wait to tell her.
— I still don't understand what's going on here — Mindy said
— Me too — Wes confirmed
— And I'm starting to understand — Chad said
Tara looked at the boy in fear. Actually, me too.
— You finally made up! — he shouted happy and we both felt relieved — I will miss these dramas...
I can feel Mindy's eyes on me, so I don't want to look at her. I know that if our eyes met, she would know the truth.
The bell rang, time for another long boring day at school. Maybe this will help me control all this joy. And what will happen next? I don't really care.