Tara hasn't spoken to me since yesterday. She's mad at me and I don't know what for. Okay, maybe she's pissed off about me and Mindy or Jill, but why? I didn't promise her any fidelity or anything like that. We're not together. We're barely friends and she's doing this? If she's going to reproach me for every girl, we might as well cut off contact.
She's just walking towards me, trying not to look at me. I am sitting on a bench by the door to the restroom.
— Who is this? Miss jealous? — I said with a smile when a girl appeared next to me
Tara immediately stopped and turned to me. I guess she isn't happy.
— Can you speak quieter? Or not at all? — she asked
— Auch. You just broke my heart.
I got up and stood in front of her. Her height is funny to me sometimes.
— I just want to go to the restroom in peace.
She grabbed the doorknob and I put my hand over hers. She quickly looked me in the eyes for a second, then looked around fearfully.
— Nobody's watching, chill out — I rolled my eyes — I have an idea, let's both come in here and you tell me what your problem is?
— There is nothing to talk about.
I rolled my eyes again and pressed her hand to open the door. I gently pushed Tara inside and followed her in. Really, if she feels bad about something, then she should tell me. What's the point of keeping in touch if she's unhappy with it?
— Leave me alone, Amber.
— Never.
She sighed deeply and leaned against the sink.
— I was thinking a lot last night — I started
— It's new for you.
I laughed and walked over to the girl. I'm smiling because I know how much control I have in this situation. I know that if I kissed her, she wouldn't resist.
— And what did you come up with? — she asked
— You're jealous. You just want to fuck with me again.
She tensed and swallowed. I smirked confidently. Good thing there's no one here.
— Excuse me? — she said offended
— Am I wrong?
— Yes — she said fast
— Yes? So if I kiss you, will you push me?
She didn't answer, just looked away. So she wouldn't push me away. Nice. I knew it.
I moved closer to her so that she had to put her hands on my stomach to keep any distance. Maybe kissing her wouldn't be as bad an idea as I thought a few days ago. There's something about Tara that I really like.
— Amber.
— Yeah?
I am looking at her, my fingers are gently tighten around her hands, trying to push them away.
— Did Jill pick up on that same sentence?
I immediately moved away from her. Did she really need to mention her now? She knows this is a sensitive topic for me. I'm looking at her disappointed and angry.
— Did you just as clumsily try to push Wes away? — I asked thoughtlessly — Oh shit.
Her face instantly changed expression.
— I'm sorry. I shouldn't. I...
— Fuck you, Amber!
She wanted to leave but I grabbed her hand. She reluctantly turned to me. I really feel bad for saying that. She provoked me, started it, and I wanted to hurt her. My terrible nature keeps coming to light.
— Wait. I know I was wrong to say that. I am really sorry.
— Let me go.
— No, Tara. If we keep avoiding conversations, we won't get anywhere.
— Where the fuck do you want to get?! — she shouted — You keep talking and doing something else. You apologize to do the same right away! Fuck it. You jump from me to Mindy, from Mindy to Jill, and again!
I furrowed my brow and shook my head.
— I didn't promise you anything — I said quite harshly
— So what the fuck do you want to talk about?
— I...don't really know.
— I see.
— I'm really sorry.
There is silence and we're just staring at each other. The door to the restroom swung open and Tara immediately pulled her hand out of my grip. I looked behind her and I can see Anika.
— Hello Ladies — she said with a smile
— Hi — I said in nice tone
Anika is a sweet girl. She is always helpful and with a smile on her face. I wonder how she can do it. She's probably the only person from our age group who has never upset me.
Tara said nothing, just left the room. Why the fuck won't she say what she's mad for... Okay, she's pissed that I'm hitting on girls, but why the fuck? I want to know.
This is not the situation from before. Something's been inside her for a while, but she won't tell me. I really wanted to explain everything with her.
— What's wrong with her? — Anika asked
— We argued a bit. Nothing new — I rolled my eyes
I leaned against the wall and shoved my hands into my jacket pockets. Maybe this relationship really doesn't make sense since it's based on fights.
— Are you two a couple?
My knees buckled when I heard that.
— What?! No, never! — I said — She's straight.
I added it so Anika wouldn't suspect anything. I respect that Tara doesn't want to come out.
— Too bad, she's hot.
— She is — I said quietly and nodded
I have never questioned this.
— But we don't even like each other — I added
— What? You look like a couple or good friends. Looking from the side, I wouldn't say that you don't like each other.
I'm stressed about where this conversation is heading.
— I mean...we do like each other sometimes. Mostly don't.
— I would date her — she said
My head lifted up and I looked at Anika and then at the floor again. I'm imagining her and Tara walking hand in hand through the school corridor. Or how they laugh to each other in the cafeteria. I don't like this vision. Not even a little. It would be so... stupid. They can't be together. They don't match.
Tara needs a love that will consume her. Someone who would give her heaven on a platter. A feeling that is dynamic. No routine. No over-sweetened emojis. She needs adventure, difficulties, opposition. A person who will show her the big world she dreams about deep down. Someone who understands her poetry, her art and her soul.
Anika won't give it to her. Nor Wes.
— I thought Mindy was more your type — I told her
She can't hit on Tara.
— She is. But to her, you're more her type.
— Oh.
I don't know if I should comment on this. I know that they had a thing.
— Yeah. Don't break her heart again and decide if you want her back.
— Or will you break my bones? — I laughed
Anika shook her head with a smile. I didn't know Mindy cared so much about me.
— Just make up your mind. I don't want to be her consolation all the time.
So this is what it's like. I didn't know Anika was taking Mindy seriously. But maybe it could actually work.
— I'll talk to her. I promise.
— Great.