Rosalynn
" I don't know Liz. I'd have to find a babysitter and everything. And honestly I've had a really long week and I don't even feel like doing much of anything." Liz was sitting at the kitchen counter drinking wine as I walked around the apartment with a basket picking up toys and whatever else had been lying around. Its only 12 noon. "Ohh come on Ros, I can't even remember the last time we went anywhere. It's just dinner and drinks, I promise I won't keep you out all night grandma." I gasped as I walked back into the kitchen. "Go to hell. I'm no grandma, I just don't have much leisure time these days." I said, sighing. "Look. We can figure out the babysitter thing. You deserve a night out. I mean, look at you. You're in sweatpants, a tank top and bunny slippers every time I've seen you lately. And not to mention I'm pretty much over this messy bun." I looked down at myself. "You're right, I guess it would be nice to feel pretty again."
Knock Knock
I looked at Liz. "You expecting someone?" She asked me. I shook my head no as I got up and walked to the door. When I looked out the peephole my heart stopped beating. I couldn't believe my eyes. "Who is it?" I heard from behind me which brought me out of my daze. I quickly stepped back and opened the door slowly. There she was. "Charlotte.." I spoke so quietly. My heart was now fluttering in my chest. How does she do that? After all these years. After all this time she still has that affect on me. "Good afternoon Rosalynn. May I come in?" I stepped away from the door allowing her room to enter. She wore a grey NYU sweater. One I'm sure was buried deep in her closet somewhere, and a pair of fitted jeans that looked great on her. Her beautiful dark hair was tucked behind one ear. Her big grey eyes as vibrant as ever. I suddenly became aware of what I was wearing. I folded my arms over my chest. "Umm.. what.. what are you doing here?" I noticed she had a small bunch of flowers in her hand. At that moment Elizabeth poked her head out of the kitchen. "Hey, Charlotte! It's nice to see you!" Charlotte flashed her a smile. "Hey there Liz. Likewise." She then turned back to me, "Is Cara around?" She asked me. I looked at her and nodded. "Cara, sweetie. Your mamas here." I called out. Not even five seconds later I heard small footsteps running behind me. "Mama!" She squealed. Charlotte kneeled down to her and wrapped her in her arms. "Ohh my sweet girl. Hello my little love." I watched them interact with one another and threw a quick glance over my shoulder at Liz. She looked at me curiously and I shrugged my shoulders. "These are for you Cara Rose." She brought the flowers from behind her back. Cara gasped. Looking shocked as if it were the first time Charlotte has bought her flowers. She always has ever since she was born. But what can I say? She gets her dramatics from me. "Look mommy, my favorite flowers!" Cara said to me. "I see sweetie, they're beautiful." I brought my attention back to Charlotte. "So, what are you doing here? We weren't expecting you for another week." I asked. "Yeah I know. But I just thought I'd come a little early. I missed you." She said that last part to no one in particular. She wasn't looking at me, nor Cara when she said it. What does that mean?
"Umm." She cleared her throat. "If it's okay with you I'd like to take Cara out with me for a bit." I nodded. "Of course you can take your daughter. We don't have anything planned. Umm let me go and get her ready." "Ohh I'll do it." Liz spoke up. "Come on Cara, let's get you dressed." Cara ran off with Liz back to her room. I glanced back at Charlotte. "Do you.. wanna sit?" I asked. She nodded and we both walked over to the couch. A considerable amount of distance between us. "So does this mean you're not coming next week?" I laughed nervously. Since our separation Charlotte had been coming to visit our daughter two weekends out of each month. She had her for an entire month this past summer, and she even came up for the entire first week of preschool for Cara, which she loved. "No, no I still plan on getting her next week also." I nodded. "Cool. Are you taking her overnight? I can tell Liz to get her a bag together." "No, not this time. I'm staying with Abby and I'm on her couch so I don't want Cara to be uncomfortable." I laughed a little. "Yeah. Well good luck getting rid of her then. She's not going to want to leave your side." Charlotte smiled at me. A smile I hadn't seen in so long but still warmed my heart. "I figured as much."
I leaned back into the couch. "So did you just fly up for the weekend? When do you go back to New York?" I asked her. "Well I actually had some business to take care of here. Umm.. I just bought a house here and— "Mama im weady!!" Cara came running in and jumped into Charlotte's lap. I started wishing she had come just two minutes later. Did Charlotte say she bought a house here?? In California? Is she moving back here? What the fuc.. "Ros?" I looked up to see Charlotte now standing, holding Cara in her arms. "I said we're going to head out." I stood up, "Oh okay. Well, give mommy a hug." I reached out for Cara and held her tightly. I pulled back and looked at her. "I hope you have the best time with Mama! Be good, okay!" She nodded. "Can mommy have a kiss?" She puckered her little lips and kissed mine. "Thank you babygirl." I handed her back to Charlotte. "I love youuuu." I said as I tickled her stomach. She began squirming in Charlotte's arms while laughing. "I love you too mommy." I walked them to the door. "Just give me a call whenever you're on your way back okay? I think I may go grab dinner with Liz tonight, so." Charlotte nodded. "Of course. Have a good time." I smiled at her as she walked out of the door. I closed it behind her and locked it. I turned around and leaned against the door as I looked over at Liz who was now sitting on the couch. "She bought a fucking house here."
**********
"So what does that mean? Like, did she tell you where she bought the house or anything?" Liz asked. We were currently sitting in a nice restaurant awaiting our main course after we shared an appetizer. "I don't even know. Cara came rushing in before I could even ask any follow up questions." She nodded. "Hmm. Well, do you think this is it? You know, maybe she's ready to put an end to this ridiculous separation." She took a sip of her drink. "It took her ten months to realize that? And it wasn't ridiculous to me. At least not at the time." I whispered the latter. "Well, are you open to getting back together with her? I mean it's not like either of you are gonna file for divorce. And honestly I think it's dragged out long enough." I sighed. "Well it depends if things are going to change. I meant everything I said during that argument so if she thinks I'm just going to let her back in with open arms she has another thing coming." The waiter then brought our food to our table. I took a bite of my salmon as she spoke again. "I get that for sure. And I encourage you to stand your ground. But you don't think you were being a little hasty with the decision to just up and leave? Especially taking Cara. I told you back then I thought that was wrong of you to take Cara away from her." I sat my fork down, "Look I know, okay? No need to chastise me again, we've already been through that. Yes, it was wrong. I shouldn't have taken our daughter and for a moment I thought she was going to kill me when she found out we left, I had never heard her yell like that before.
*Flashback
"Charlotte, you need to calm do— "What?! Don't fucking tell me to calm down! Are you out of your mind?? You kidnapped my daughter, Rosalynn." I scoffed, "Kidnapped?? Are YOU out of your mind?" I paced back and forth, Liz watching me. "Yeah, kidnapped! You took my daughter out of this state, without my knowledge. Cara has two parents Rosalynn. You are not taking her away from me! Bring me my damn daughter."
*End of flashback
But I am thankful she finally came around to letting her stay in California with me. And we've made co parenting work this long and it's been great on that end. But if I'm being honest, yeah okay maybe I was a little emotional in my decision to leave. But I felt like if I didn't, I would just continue to be unhappy. And it seemed like no matter how many times I told her that and expressed how I was feeling she just didnt get it. And she would say we would talk about it and work through it but that time just never came. So, I did the only thing I thought I could. I wrote her a letter and I left."
I started to pick at my food. Already beginning to lose my appetite. "Well, I support you in whatever decision you make. And I'm here for you no matter what. But I love the both of you and I hope this can finally be resolved. I mean like, you still love her and everything right?" She asked me. I looked down at the wedding band on my finger. Shortly after we made it to New York, Charlotte and I went to a courthouse and got married. It was quick, rushed. We just were eager to get our lives started. Throughout the entire separation I still never took it off. "Of course I love her. I don't think I can ever stop. Even after seven years I would give myself to her all over again. I sometimes hate how deeply I love because it almost makes me naive. Like when I quit my job back then, man I felt like such a simp! Like a love struck puppy chasing after her. She really is my forever but I just want things to be different, ya know? I just want to feel like I matter again. Like what I want matters." I quickly wiped a tear from my eye. I have loved Charlotte since the very beginning and honestly I'm not ready to give up on us. I just need her to see me the way she did all those years past and I need my feelings to be heard.
Liz and I had finished our meals and decided to walk to a bar nearby. We continued catching up and enjoying a few drinks before Mickey came to pick us up. I had checked my phone and hadn't received any calls or texts from Charlotte and it was a little after eleven so I figured she must've ended up staying with Abby. We pulled up to my apartment and I thanked them both for the ride home. I entered the building and headed for the elevator. Getting off on my floor, I walked down the lonely hallway until I reached my door. I fumbled with the key for a second before finally getting it in. I walked in and immediately jumped when I saw Charlotte laying on the couch, our daughter asleep on her chest. "Jesus, Charlie, what the fuck." I clutched my chest as I closed the door. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She whispered. "How did you get in here anyways?" She looked down at Cara. "Well a four year old told me you left a spare key on top of the door frame ever since you guys got locked out that one time." She smirked. I rolled my eyes. "That girl." I walked over to her. "I can go lay her down for you?" She shook her head. "No, it's fine, I'll do it." She got up and walked down the hall. I made my way into the kitchen and decided to pour myself a glass of wine. I probably don't need another glass of anything really, but hey. Charlotte walked in shortly after. She looked at me and smiled. "Hey." I said. "Hi." She looked me up and down. "You look really nice." I felt the blush creeping to my cheeks so I took a quick sip of wine to try and hide it. I cleared my throat. "Thank you. Um, would you like a glass?" She nodded. "Sure. Thanks." I got another glass and poured her wine. I handed it to her and topped off mine own and motioned for her to follow me into the living room.
We sat on the couch, only a few inches between us this time. I kicked off my heels and tucked my legs underneath me. I took a sip of my wine. "So how was your day with Cara?" I asked her. "It was really great. I took her by Abbys for a bit to see the kids. Then we all went out for pizza and ice cream. But dont worry, I took her to the park to work off that sugar rush." She laughed. "We got back here around nine or so. I gave her a bath and we just watched movies until she fell asleep. I would have called you but I didnt want to ruin your night out." She finished. "Its fine. Sounds like you had a busy day. I know Cara was excited to spend time with you." She took another sip of wine. "I've missed her terribly." Silence washed over us and I found myself contemplating bringing this whole house thing up. I did want to know what all of that meant. If it was some indication of a possible reconciliation or something. And if I end up with egg on my face and she's just moving to be closer to Cara and Cara alone I'll just blame it on the alcohol. Fuck it.
"So umm.." I started. "You said you got a house here?" She turned towards me. "Yes. I did." I bit my lip. "What?" She asked. "So you're moving back here?" She nodded. "What happened in New York? And your job?" I asked. She took a few sips of her wine. "That's a very long story Ros. Maybe another time." I felt like there was something she wasn't telling me. I wanted to ask but decided against it. "You know.." she started, "I don't think we ever really talked about why you really left me." I raised a brow. "You know why I left Charlotte. Dont do that." I got up and walked to the kitchen to refill my glass. She followed behind me. "No I mean I know why you did, I read the letter. But why didn't you give me a chance to fix it?" I poured the wine into my glass. "Why now Charlotte? Why wait ten months to talk about this, huh?" I took a big gulp. "I suppose I've had a lot of time to think." She shrugged. She stepped closer to me. Our bodies almost touching for the first time in ten months. I felt my body shiver. "You said you never would." She whispered. "Why did you leave me?" I turned my head and looked her in the eyes. "Why didn't you come after me?" She looked surprised. "What?" I hung my head. "I didn't know you wanted me to Ros." I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. "Yeah well I guess it doesn't matter now." I turned to walk away from the counter and she softly grabbed my arm. "Of course it matters." She said. I shook my head. "It didn't matter then." She sighed. "I couldn't just abandon my job Ros.." "I did!" I said. "All those years ago I quit my job and left my entire life behind to come after you." I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "I felt unseen. I felt like I had lost my way. I wasn't working, I didn't have much going for myself. The walls were caving in on me Charlotte. The depression was inevitable. I felt like I was always coming last. I mean when we got there you were in school so of course I had your back and put your needs over mine. We were supposed to plan our actual wedding ceremony but that never happened. You stayed on campus until senior year like we agreed but then we got pregnant with Cara your last year and of course she was going to come before me, I get that. Then you graduated and immediately threw yourself into work while doing the accelerated program and I started feeling alone. You were working crazy hours, you were always busy and we barely got time alone together. Whenever you were home, you were with the baby. I didnt have any friends I could talk to or go see. I just felt like I was fading into the background more and more as the days went by." I was really crying now. My heart was racing. I stood there with my hands folded over my chest. "I tried to tell you Charlie. Maybe I didnt quite explain it right or whatever and thats my fault. But even so, I thought you knew me. You were always able to see me, I mean truly see every part of me. But after a while it became more and more apparent that you were oblivious to my sufferings. So .. I had to go." I sniffled, wiping at my nose. "And I said, if she comes after me then we can figure whatever the fuck this is out. Together. We can get us back, But.. you just.. you let me go." I broke down then. My chest felt heavy, but I felt relieved at the same time. Sure I wrote all of this in that letter but to actually say it out loud..
I felt her arms wrap around me. She held my head to her chest and I felt like all the wind had been pumped back into my lungs. Like my battery had finally been changed and I was alive again. God, how does she do that! "I never let you go Rosalynn." She whispered to me. "When you left I thought I would just give you your space for a little while. So I just tried my best to be there for Cara and just.. hope that you would come around. I thought you would come back to me Ros but days turned into weeks which turned into months and months. You were hardly talking to me and after a while I thought you were done." I took a few deep breaths. After hearing what she had to say I felt like we were both waiting on the other. And if thats the case, whose really at fault? I swallowed the lump in my throat, "Are you? Done, I mean?" I tried my best to stop my lip from quivering as I awaited her response. "Ohh darling." She spoke as she brought her hands to my face, wiping away the fallen tears. "You are my wife. The mother of my beautiful little girl. We have shared our lives in more ways than one. You will always be my happily ever after, love. I could never be done." From her lips to my ears, and embossed on my heart. Engraved in my mind. This.. this is the woman I fell in love with. No one else can speak to my soul the way she can.
I looked at her and smiled softly. "Im tired." I said. She looked over at the clock on the stove. "Its late, I should get going. I'll let you get to bed. But umm." She grabbed my hand. "I'd like to take you and Cara somewhere tomorrow. If.. if that's alright with you?" I looked down at our intertwined hands. "Yeah. Yeah that's fine." She looked almost relieved. As if she didn't think I would say yes. She then softly kissed my forehead. "Good night sweetheart." She didnt wait for me to respond as she turned and walked out of the kitchen. If I'm being honest, I don't want her to go. I felt a spark just by being in her presence after so long and I wasn't ready to lose that just yet. Because who knows what tomorrow holds once the alcohol wears off and our minds are sober. "Charlie wait." I called out. I left the kitchen and found her with one foot outside the door. I took a deep breath as I ran my hands through my hair. "Dont.. I mean you don't have to go. I can make the couch up for you. I'm sure Cara would love to see you when she wakes up." Yeah. Cara. Lets go with that. "Are you sure?" She asked me. I walked over and brought her away from the door, closing it. "Im sure." I walked away and went over to the hall closet. Bringing out a few blankets. I sat them on the couch next to her. "If you need anything just let me know." She nodded. "Thank you Ros." I turned on my heels and walked into my bedroom.
I changed into my silk pajamas and climbed into bed. But I knew sleep wouldnt come easy. I thought about not even trying. My thoughts were too loud. How can I be okay with sleeping alone when my person is ten feet away? I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. My thoughts are getting louder. Its like my brain is trying to send some sort of bat signal to my feet to get my ass out of this bed and go to her. But I cant do that. No. No, I cant. I rolled over on my side and closed my eyes. Well what harm would it do? Dont you miss being held at night? Of course I do what am I saying. But I can't. I rolled over onto my back again. Sighing heavily. I glanced over at the clock on my nightstand seeing all of five minutes had gone by. My goodness Rosalynn. Its been five minutes and you're already falling apart. I grunted heavily. I lied there for a little while longer and it seemed as though my mind was taking a rest. I closed my eyes and tried to finally sleep. Why don't you just be honest with her? And yourself for that matter. My eyes popped open. Cara wants to see her? I mean sure but you know the real truth. I decided I'd had enough so I threw the covers off and went to the door. As I placed my hand on the door knob I stopped. "Get yourself together Ros." I whispered out loud. "This isnt a good idea. It will only confuse the situation." I leaned my head against the door. "You cannot give in to her." I slowly let out a breath as I released the door knob. I walked back and got into bed. Sitting there with my hands in my head. "Fucking Cabernet." I said aloud. I sat there and let the quietness of my room envelop me. I looked over at the clock and saw only another three minutes had passed. I lied down and closed me eyes. But of course, images of Charlotte sprawled across the couch invaded my mind all too quickly. "Fucking Cabernet." I said again as I jumped out of bed and hurriedly opened the door and walked out into the hall before I convinced myself to stop.
I quietly walked into the living room. The tv was on but the volume was low. I made my way around the couch and saw her laying there. Her arm rested over her head. "Charlotte." I whispered. Her eyes flew open immediately and it made me wonder if she hadn't been able to sleep either. Maybe I was on her mind too? "Ros, are you okay?" She sat up and looked at me. I folded my arms over my chest as I looked to the floor, kicking imaginary rocks. "How do you do this to me?" I whispered. "Do what, Rosalynn?" I sighed and wiped away a tear I didnt even know had fallen. "I spent the last ten months trying to adjust to my new normal. I worked really, really hard to get to a point of being okay with being alone." I continued in a hushed voice. "The hardest part has been learning to fall asleep by myself and eventually.. I got there. Then you show up unexpectedly and I know I asked you to stay, and this is the first time ever in our separation that you have, and it's like all my hard work is completely obliterated. Just.. gone out the window." I paused to catch my breath. "Its not fair. My body will always know when you're near. And now I can't get a wink of sleep because I'm not next to you. I worked so hard Charlotte. Its not fair." I wiped away at the tears that had fallen at record speed down my cheeks. Charlotte ran her hands through her hair before looking into my eyes. "Rosalynn I.." she sighed. "Would you like me to leave?" She asked. I brought my hand to massage my temple. I looked back to her as I dropped my hand. The tears rolled down my face as I contemplated. But in my heart, I already knew the answer. "No." My voice cracked as I said those words. She looked at me before getting up and standing in front of me. She wiped away my tears, just like she always does. Half the time its hard to remember Im so much older than her. Im always crying, and she always wipes my tears away. She held my face in the palm of her hands and I instinctively relaxed into them. "Ros I dont want to make anything difficult for you. I would love to stay here with you and our daughter but not at the cost of your peace. Just tell me what you want me to do." She said. I opened my eyes to look at her. I placed my hands on top of hers and removed them from my face. I looked down at our hands. "I just want to sleep." I said. She nodded, so I took lead and led her back to my bedroom. Once in, I made sure she shut the door behind her. I walked over to my usual side of the bed and climbed in. She walked to the opposite side. "Umm.. do you have sweats I could borrow?" I only now noticed she was still in her jeans from earlier. She probably didnt want to take them off out of respect because I know Charlotte is used to sleeping in her underwear. "Ohh yeah, umm that drawer there should have something." She looked around a bit before grabbing something. She sat on the bed and changed her clothes. Once she was finished she climbed into bed next to me. She laid on her side as I did the same. Although it was dark in the room, I could see her looking at me. "Im not sure what's okay to do." I heard her whisper. "I can just lay here next to you. I can hold you in my arms. Whatever you need, okay?" I could've melted at that moment. Although I would love to be in her arms, I know there still needs to be boundaries. We are already laying in bed together without having any conversation in regards to our separation. I know its easy to fall back into old habits, but I just can't right now. "This is good. I just need to know you're next to me." I yawned. "Okay. Good night Ros."
**********
I woke up in the morning and was actually feeling refreshed. If I'm being honest, it's some of the best sleep I've gotten in a long time. I turned my head and my heart smiled. Charlotte was asleep still, but Cara was laying on her chest watching what looked like some cartoon on Charlottes phone. She must've snuck in here this morning. When Cara noticed me she smiled. "Morning mommy. Mama's here." She said as she made herself more comfortable atop Charlottes chest. I sat up and stretched. "Good morning sweet girl I see your mama. Why don't you and I go make breakfast while mama gets a little more rest, yeah?" She shook her head no. "I don't want to leave mama." I held my arms out to her. "Cara, sweetie come on. Mama will be here." "Stop it, No!" She yelled. Charlotte's eyes shot open. I looked at Cara, my eyebrow raised, "Umm excuse me.." "Hey." Charlotte said sitting up. She sat Cara up on her lap. "I don't know what's going on but you do not talk to your mother that way, got it?" Cara looked at her and nodded, her lip quivering. "There's something you need to tell mom, right?" Cara turned to me. "Im sorry mommy." "For?" Charlotte added. "Im sorry for yelling." I nodded. "Thank you for apologizing. I accept." Cara began wiping at her eyes. Charlotte yawned. "What's happening here?" I sighed as I got out of bed and threw my robe on. "I was trying to get her to come with me so you can sleep a little bit longer." I slipped on my house shoes. Charlotte picked up her phone, "Wow, I didnt know it was this late." It was almost noon. "I actually should head back to Abby's. I need to shower and change. Uhh.. is it still okay if I take you guys somewhere?" She asked me. "Yeah. Sure." She nodded. "Okay" she went to stand up and sat Cara on the bed. "Listen missy. Mama's gotta go." Cara does this thing when she's about to cry. Her breathing gets shaky, she bites her lip. Something she must've picked up from me. Its an awful habit, really. "I don't want you to leave again." Cara whispered. Charlotte frowned. "Ohh honey I'm coming back. I just need to go and get ready and so do you and mommy." "Pinky promise." She held out her little pinky and Charlotte hooked onto it. "I love you." Charlotte gave her a kiss. "I'll walk you to the door." I said.
We walked into the living room and she grabbed her keys from the kitchen table. "So.. is two hours enough time to get ready?" She asked me. "Yeah. That's good." I unlocked the door and held it open for her. "Okay. I'll see guys then." She looked at me quizzically. I could tell she was trying to keep herself from either saying or doing something. "What is it?" I asked her. She shook her head. "Nothing. It's nothing. I'll see you later." With that, she walked out. Weird. I walked into Cara's room to look for her something to wear. "Cara, sweetheart." I called out. The sound of tiny feet running across the floor made me smile. "Yes mommy?" I looked over my shoulder at her. "What would you like to wear today? This? Or.. this, maybe?" I held up a few options for her. "Ummm the blue dress!" She said. "Okay but we may have to wear your jean jacket too. Maybe tights.. I wonder if it's windy out." I said searching for it in the closet. Once I found it I took her clothes and underwear into my bedroom and laid them on the bed before going into my bathroom and starting a bath. I made sure the water was filling at a cool temperature before adding a little bubble maker. "Cara come on." I called to her. She came in and I helped her out of her pjs and into the tub. I took a seat on the toilet deciding to let her splash around and play with her toys for a while.
Thinking back to last night I can't help the silly smile I have. It felt so good to have her next to me. Something always brings me back to her. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. I'm thirty seven and still getting butterflies.. still finding it hard to control myself when she's in close proximity. Its crazy, honestly. "Mommy?" Cara spoke. "Yes my love?" I grabbed the shampoo off the side of the tub and squirted a little in my hands. I softly began to lather it into her hair. "Are you and Mama done with your break?" I paused. See. This is what I didn't want. I didn't even think about how Charlotte staying over could negatively affect Cara. Confuse her even. Ughhh! "Mommy?" I cleared my throat. "Umm .. where.. where'd you get that idea?" I asked, trying to get her take on the situation so I could respond accordingly. "Mama." She said flatly as she continued playing with her toys. My heart sped up a little bit. "Mama? Did she.. did she say something about that or? She.. she told you that?" I can't believe I'm trying to pump my daughter for info. I was trying to concentrate on washing the soap out of her hair but I am a bit frazzled by her statement. "I dunno. Kinda." I bit my lip. "When did she tell you that?" "At the pizza shop. She told Auntie Abby she got a new house here cuz her family is here and we're her family right? And you and Mama were hugging in bed so does that mean the break is over?" I looked at my daughter. I didn't quite know how to respond to that last part. Charlie and I were very honest with Cara in regards to our separation, while also trying to protect her image of us as a unit. We explained that her moms just needed a break for a little while. And when the time was right we'd essentially be together again. I was flustered but I tried my best to answer her truthfully. "Well, yes we are her family. And I know Mama and I had a.. sleepover last night. But we haven't talked about the break yet my love. But you know your mama and I love you so deep no matter what, right?" She looked a bit saddened as she nodded her head yes. "You'll be the first to know if that happens love but for right now Mama and I are still on break." She didn't respond that time. It breaks my heart to see her this way. Especially knowing I'm at fault for allowing last night to happen. I was thinking it would be nice for her to see her Mama but all of the cons just didn't cross my mind. Stupid. "Come on baby, lets get you cleaned up and dressed."
I finished washing Cara and took her into my bedroom to get ready. I quickly blow dried her hair a little and put it up into a top bun, her bangs were growing out and I made a mental note to trim them soon. After getting her dressed, I sent her to her room to play so I could get myself together. I cleaned her toys out of the tub and turned the shower on. Walking back into my room I grabbed a bra and underwear out of my drawer and laid them on the bed. I went back to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. I wasn't sure what I was going to wear. I have a cute sweater dress sort of thing I got a little while ago. It's black and quarter sleeved and comes to my calfs. Its body con so thats a plus. Throw on a pair of converse I guess. Light make up and I'll throw my hair up in a ponytail. Simple but sexy is the goal for today. I quickly washed my body and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around myself. Walking back into the room I see Cara laid in the center of my bed, asleep. I figured she would take a nap either now or in the car. I check my phone for the time, having about twenty minutes before Charlotte said she would be back. I sat at my vanity and started on my makeup.
"Hey." I said as I opened the front door. She reached for a hug, taking me by surprise but I soon relaxed in her arms and wrapped my own around her waist, my head instantly laid on her chest. Charlotte had grown taller than me over the years and I liked the difference mainly for this very purpose. Being able to lay against her when she hugs me. She kissed the top of my head, "Hi. You .. you look beautiful. And you smell amazing." She said softly. I pulled away and smiled. Okay, so maybe I wore a certain scent I knew she loved. So what. "Thank you, you look good too." I took her in. She wore a white button up and a pair of black jeans. "I umm, I just have to put Caras shoes on and grab her. She fell asleep on me." She nodded, "I can grab her." She said walking around me, softly brushing her hand past my lower back. Something that was always second nature for her. It took me back. "These the shoes?" She said, holding up a pair of converse that were by the couch. "Um yeah, yeah those are fine." She disappeared down the hall. I tried to steady my breathing. "Relax Ros. God, you're pathetic." I grabbed my purse off the kitchen counter just as Charlie returned, Cara still asleep as she laid against her chest. "Ready?" I nodded. I opened the door for her, allowing her to walk out first.
The car ride was mostly spent in silence. She opened my door for me, like shes always done. The radio played softly providing background noise. Cara had waken up and was using the iPad. Time seemed to pass by quickly as we were pulling into the parking lot of a restaurant. She got out and went around and opened my door again before grabbing Cara. She held her in her arms, handing me her iPad and we walked inside together. "Hey there. 3?" The hostess asked. "Yes please. Can we have a booth?" The woman nodded. "Do you need a booster seat?" Charlotte looked back at me. "No she'll be fine." I said. The woman led us throughout the restaurant to a booth. I slid in first and Charlotte sat Cara next to me before sliding in the opposite side. I gave Cara her menu that came with crayons hoping it would occupy her for a bit. I looked over my menu for a second before deciding on just getting a salad. I didn't really have much of an appetite. Another woman came by our table . "Hey there, Im Jess I'll be taking care of yall. Can I get you something to drink?" "Mama I want juice." Cara said to Charlotte. "Uhh, can she have a kids size lemonade?" Jess nodded. "Sure thing." "I'll have a raspberry tea." "I'll just have a water with lemon please." I added. "Okay. Do you all still need time to look over the menu?" I looked at Charlotte, "Im ready if you are." She nodded. "I'll just have a ceasar salad with a grilled chicken breast please. And... she'll have chicken strips and.. Cara do you want fries or fruit?" I asked her. "Mmmm fries!" She said. "Fries got it. And you?" She looked at Charlotte and I zoned out as I responded to a text from Liz asking how everything is going. I told her we literally just sat down but I'd report back later. I sat my phone on the table and watched Cara as she colored. The waitress had taken Charlottes order and was already back with our drinks. "Thank you." "Mommy can you open this for me?" Cara handed me her straw. I ripped it half way and gave it back so she could do the rest.
A comfortable silence developed briefly as Charlotte was coloring with Cara. It was surprising how things didn't seem awkward with us. It was as if we were just on our usual lunch outing. "Hows everything been with you?" She asked me. "Uhh good I guess. Just working and keeping up with this one. Keeps me pretty busy." She laughed. "Im sure. How are you liking the school you're at? I dont think we ever really talked about that." I nodded. "Yeah, no we haven't but I love it. Im paid more than I was at Spring Creek so thats nice. I umm.. actually I've been thinking about going back to school for my doctorate but I wasn't sure what to do with Cara. It'll be time consuming for sure." She nodded. "That's amazing! I definitely think you should. And I'll be here now so I can take care of her while you get your stuff done." I smiled, "Well nothing is set in stone yet Ive just been thinking about it. But thank you, I appreciate you."
Jess came back with our food then, "Do you all need anything else?" She asked but I noticed her attention was particularly on Charlotte. Charlotte looked to me and I shook my head. "No, we're fine thanks." She smiled, "Well just holler if you need me." She tried to subtly graze Charlottes hand but it didnt go unnoticed by me. And apparently neither did the look on my face by Charlie. That irritated the shit out of me and I wanted to say something but decided against it. "Ros Im— "No its.." I took a deep breath, "Its fine. Umm speaking of you being here now, what's up with that?" She looked at me, "What do you mean?" I took a few bites of my food before responding.
"I mean like you're just going to leave work and everything behind?" She shrugged. "I've been offered a really good position with a great company. I'll be overseeing an entire department of counselors but I'll be my own boss again and I'll still be able to take on a few clients so I like that." Before I could respond Jess walked up to our table. "Still good here?" "Yes." I responded quickly as I looked down at Cara next to me who was now occupied with her iPad and headphones. "Can I get you more tea?" She directed to Charlotte, standing awfully close to her and putting on her best—or best attempt should I say—flirtatious voice. It made my blood boil. Just when I was about to tell her to back the hell up and fuck off, Charlotte spoke. "Im sorry you must have the wrong idea. Im having lunch with my wife and daughter here so Id appreciate if you stop blatantly disrespecting my wife by trying to flirt with me." Her eyes bucked as she looked over to me and glanced down at my hand. I was wearing my band but Charlie wasnt wearing anything which is why she must have assumed. "Im so sorry I didnt know." Charlie nodded, "We will let you know when we're ready for the check." She turned her attentionention back towards me and Jess scurried away.
Well that was hot.
"Im sorry about that. What were you saying?" She took a bite of her food. "Umm well I was just wondering what made you decide to just, I dont know, up and leave? You were pretty established and stuff. You're just gonna start over?" She sighed. "I.. I mean yes?" She laughed nervously. "I think I just would rather be here." "Yeah but why?" I asked again. I could tell she was being short with me and not giving me the full details. "I just wanted to Ros, is that a bad thing?" She raised her eyebrows. I thought about what I wanted to say. Of course it wasnt a bad thing but... I dont know. I didnt want the next words I said to fuck up our nice lunch but I also needed to be honest. "I mean. I just don't want you to be doing it...for me." I whispered the last part. She sat up straighter and looked at me. I continued, "You were happy there. You had school, then you had work life and friends and all of that. And I just feel like I had nothing. No one to talk to or visit. We always said that it was important for us to have separate relationships and exist outside of one another but I didn't have that. I just couldn't take being there anymore. But that doesn't mean you have to leave. You had a lot going and you were pretty established in your career so I would feel awful knowing I took that away from you. I want you to do what's best for you but obviously I just know I can't go back there." I finished as I wiped away the ketchup that was on Caras nose. "So what are you saying? You don't want.. us anymore? I mean.. If I decided to go back to New York instead of staying here, what does that mean for us?" I looked at her as I sighed. "I guess.. what I'm saying is a long distance relationship is one thing. But a long distance marriage? I just don't think it's feasible. Bicoastal coparenting is hard enough."
There aren't any words that could describe the look in her eyes. I could tell she was holding back tears. I could see the hurt on her face. She knew what I was eluding to. We both did. We've never spoken that word to one another. We had no reason to. But as much as I am still in love with Charlotte, as much as my heart yearns for her, I cannot hold her back from being her best self. Sure, I walked away all those years ago to follow her but times were different then. Things were just.. different. When Charlotte and I first separated it was the hardest decision I'd ever made. And sure, it was made on impulse and I was probably trying to make a statement more than anything but she knew I loved her. I mean.. she knows I love her.. still. I think. Maybe. I dont know. The last 36 hours have completely fucked my head up. But as if a switch flipped in her mind, she gathered herself quickly and took a sip of her tea. She didn't respond to my prior statement. She pulled out her phone and began texting. She then put it away again and looked at me, "Is it okay if we make another stop?" She asked me. I gave her a confused look because she didn't even acknowledge what I'd said. But I nodded anyways. "Yeah. Of course." I began picking at my food again.
We finished up eating shortly after that. Honestly I had pretty much lost my appetite after that conversation. Charlotte paid and we left the restaurant. I got into the car and she buckled Cara in her seat then off she went. The ride was long and quiet. The radio played quietly again. Cara had her headphones on using her iPad still. I noticed we'd been driving for a while, maybe about twenty extra minutes had gone by when I started to recognize the area. I looked at Charlotte who was focused on the road still. I hadn't been back on this side of town in so long. I actually avoid it. Too many memories both good and bad. We had turned down a familiar street and I started to get confused. "What are we doing over here?" I asked. She didn't take her eyes off the road, nor did she respond. But she didn't have to. The car then stopped in front of a familiar house. My old house in fact. Well, the numbers were the same but I could tell the exterior had been altered. It was painted beautifully, the front lawn was well maintained. I looked back at her, "What are we doing here?" She smiled. "Just come on." She got out of the car then went and got Cara out. I took a breath before getting out myself. Cara took off to the front door and I called out to her. "Sweetheart wait. You cant just walk up to someone's house." I stopped in my tracks. "It's okay." Charlie said. I raised an eyebrow. "Come." She grabbed my hand and led me to the front door. She pulled out a key and put it into the lock opening it. Im so lost right now. What is actually happening? Cara took off inside as if she already knew her way around. I was pulled through a foyer and came into a living room. I turned around in disbelief. "Charlotte, what is all of this?" I asked as I turned to face her. "Home." She said. "Let me show you around." She took my hand again and led me throughout the house. The layout was pretty much the same from what I remembered. The only difference was there was an extra bedroom she said she added. She showed me Caras room where she was laid in her "big girl" bed. A twin sized bed was sat in the center of the room, white canopy curtains surrounding it. She was excited to show me all of her toys and her closet full of clothes and shoes. The room was beautifully decorated with different shades of pink and her favorite princesses were painted on the walls. The last room she showed me was the master bedroom. This is the only room in the house that was completely empty. No bed, no decor or clothes. Just empty. I felt so overwhelmed. It was all a lot to take in.
"What do you think?" She asked me. "I umm.. I think its pretty empty." I said, laughing nervously. "No I mean of the house entirely." I sighed. "So this is the house you bought here huh? The house I owned years ago." I said. She nodded. "I saw that it was on the market about four months after you left. So I immediately put in an offer and it took a minute to close but as soon as it did I started the remodeling process. Ros, I haven't spent the last ten months just twiddling my thumbs. I've always known I was coming to get you back, somehow. I just needed time to get all of this together. To get us back where it all began. And by the way, you own this place again. Its in both our names." She finished. "Wow.. thats.. thats. So you just... This place. I.. I don't know what to say Charlotte." I really didn't. Half of me wanted to cry out and jump for joy and run into her arms. The other half was scared shitless.
She walked towards me, "I need you to listen to me okay?" I nodded. "I didn't ask you to come to New York but you did. You gave up your life basically and left it all behind for me. I know how hard it was for you to walk away from everything.. so now its my turn. l shouldn't have let you give up your life for mine. I knew you had already been down that road before. Im sorry I didn't realize that sooner. Im sorry for putting you back in the same position as.. ya know..he did." She paused. "But I won't make that mistake again. The fact is the woman I love is in California. Your life is here and I belong wherever you are. I told you all those years ago as long as you're here I will always come back for you. Ros, I can't go another day without you and my daughter by my side. Under one roof. I think.. no, I know things will be different now. I vow to be more present. To not become so wrapped up in my work that I become distracted and distant. I promise to be home before the sun goes down. I promise to listen more. I mean really listen. I know its all talk but I plan on showing it through my actions. I will be better for you. For us. I still need you. I still want you. My life is haunted with sadness and empty spaces echo so loudly without you with me." She stepped back from me and I watched as she dropped to her knees. She went into her pocket and pulled out a box. My heart rate sped up as I gasped and clutched my chest. Is she really? "Charl—" "Ros you still drive me crazy. You love every part of me that Ive tried to hide for so long. All this time apart has made it more apparent that I can't do life without you. Im still in love with you.. now even more than when I was seventeen. You are my endgame. My forever. Will you please...please.. Marry me? Again?" The tears were falling down my face and I found it hard to breathe. "I will give you the wedding you deserve. With all our friends and family. And our sweet girl . I'll even wear a dress. I just want you back. Marry me, Ros." Cara then ran into the room and into Charlottes arms. "Yeah marry us mommy." She said. I looked at the two of them and my heart melted. I never imagined we would be in this position. After all these years, a baby then a separation.. Will everything really be different this time? Can I trust that I havent been talking to a brick wall and she truly understands how I felt? I took a deep breath and looked at my little family in front of me. Mine, all mine. I could sit and contemplate until im blue in the face but the facts remain the same. I have never ever loved anyone the way I love this girl. This woman. I know now, in this very moment, just as I've known before.. I dont want to live a life without her in it. "Do you remember the way it felt?.." She said softly. My smile must have grown ten times in size. I laughed out loud as tears were falling down my face. Happy tears. "You mean back when we couldn't control ourselves?"...
-Alexa, play Remind Me by Brad Paisley & Carrie Underwood 🩷