It's three days before I can go home. I haven't seen Noah once in the last three days. He's not in the Gray and he's not in my room. He's no where, and I can't sense him as a presence in my life. Maybe because I was safe in the hospital he had no reason to hang around.
I took Phil off my emergency contacts. I deleted his number, and even though I know it by heart I wasn't going to use it. He wouldn't be waiting on my steps when I pulled up in another cab.
He couldn't hurt me again, even if I had to hurt him to make sure that didn't happen again.
"Morning sunshine, you ready to go home?" For once hurricane Allison isn't a hurricane. She's soft, and quiet.
"What are you doing here?" I ask adjusting myself in the hospital bed.
"I thought you might need a ride home," Allison has stopped by to check on me every day that I've been in the hospital and I was grateful for the distraction she provided. I told her that I put my foot down with Phil, that he wouldn't be back. As much as she didn't like Phil, she didn't gloat when I told her. Instead she held my hand while I showed a rare bout of vulnerability.
"Oh, you didn't have to do that," she waves me off as she moves around the room and collects the things she brought for me. My kindle and some toiletries.
"Nonsense," she replies and zips up the bag. I've already changed into my comfortable clothes and out of the itchy hospital gown. She comes over to the bed and helps me up. My abdomen is still sore where I was impaled with a windshield. The second time I've cheated death.
Allison drives me home, indie music plays quietly in her car on the short ride over. It's hot out, but the air in her car is full blast. She parks on the curb and I get out. She instructs me to wait for her to park, and I do. I have to support my bulky cast with my other hand. I didn't think I needed the cast, Noah had almost confirmed as much.
It takes her ten minutes to find a spot and return, and I'm sweating again by the time we head inside. She carries my hospital bag up to my unit while I follow beside her. She unlocks my door and sets the bag on my couch. She sits it right next to Noah, who I know she can't see. Who I have to physically stop myself from screaming over. I had almost completely forgotten about him.
Almost.
"I know you won't call me if you need anything, so I'm going to drop in after work," she says pointedly. "Your work laptop is on the kitchen table, because I know you won't take the time to heal that you need."
"Katie is going to fire me if I don't stay out of the hospital," I groan, I had worked so hard to get the promotion. And here I was, second hospital stay in a months time.
"I think it would be a lawsuit if she fired you over getting hit by a car," Allison rolls her eyes, "like she would do that, she loves you."
I glance at Noah watching us talk and Allison follows my line of vision. She can't see him, I know she can't, so I shuffle her to the door. "Thank you for taking me home."
"No problem, see you tomorrow," she smiles warmly and closes the door behind her.
I turn to Noah, he has a pensive look on his face. He's the most serious I've seen him, and he's already had to have an absurd talk with me. My fucking guardian, that let me get hit by a car. Even if he did try to stop it. I have to look away from him, I remembered bits from the time I was in surgery, and I didn't want to be near him now.
"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I ask, I don't bother hiding the bite in my tone.
"We need to talk," he says instead of playing into my attitude. I can't look at his beautiful face, so I focus instead on the way his hands drape over his knees. His large, tattooed hands.
"Just say it, Noah," I sigh, sinking down on the couch, the opposite end from him.
I watch Noah rub his hands together before scrubbing them over his face, whatever we needed to talk about he was nervous about it. He still doesn't say anything as he tosses his hair behind his shoulders then tucks it behind his ears.
"Noah!" I snap and he turns to me finally. His dark eyes are sad, but I can't tell why.
"There's no good way to say this, so I'm just going to say it," Noah says, rubbing his hands over his knees and readjusting himself on the couch. "There's a reason I'm guarding you," I start to say something but he shakes his head, "No, let me finish before you say anything." I nod at him to go on, "You are special," I roll my eyes, "No, really. I don't know how or why you were chosen, but one day you are going to hold the weight of the world in your hands. There's going to come a day where you are going to be asked to sacrifice yourself to stop the end of the world." Noah pauses lets out a puff of air, "I have to keep you safe until the Annihilation is upon us, just for you to have to die."
I think I'm going to throw up. I can't leave the house without locking the door repetitively, I am terrified of dying, I can't do this. I can't get breath into my lungs and I'm having a hard time seeing straight.
"Angel, what's wrong with your heart?" I can hear it pounding in my ears. I shove off of the couch, but I stumble. Noah's long arms are there, steadying me, "what's wrong?" he demands.
I don't know, this might actually be the time it's a real heart attack and not just a panic attack. I'm gasping for air as I try to keep from blacking out, Noah still has me in his arms and he gently touches my forehead. Suddenly all of the anxiety seeps out of my body and I can breathe again, Noah pushes the hair around my face out of my eyes with a single fingertip. His touch is feather light as he searches my face, while his strong arm is locked around my waist.
I'm dizzy again for a completely different reason, he's so close and he's so warm and I just want him to kiss me. I want him to put his big hands all over my body, I want him to make me forget all of my worries. Embarrassingly, a moan slips from my lips when his hand tightens on my waist. His fingers are too close to the waist band of my shorts. His eyes darken as he licks his lips, and I think he can hear my thoughts. He's going to do it, he's going to put me out of my misery.
I think he's leaning in closer and I close my eyes in anticipation of what is to come, but before I feel his lips on mine he is letting go of my waist and I have to catch myself from falling over. I feel cold wash over me at the loss of his touch and I furrow my eyebrows as I watch him slink over to the door.
He paces back and forth, "We can't- I can't. This can't ever happen, Briar. There can never be anything between us," he says and it sounds like it pains him. "It's forbidden."
"And I'm just your ticket to getting your wings back?"
Noah's head snaps to me, "No," he says, he makes a move to come to me, but thinks better of it and balls his hands into fists. He looks tortured as he stays right where he is, "No, it's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"I would lose more than my wings, Briar. I'd be cast into the Abyss," Noah says, his eyes pleading with me. I don't know what he wants from me.
"Why me, Noah?"
"You were made of the Blue and the Abyss," he says cryptically, I don't know what that means. My parents weren't the greatest, but I was sure neither of them was from the Abyss.
"What? My parents- they're not evil," I say incredulously. I can't believe I'm in this discussion. I didn't even believe in any of this stuff. "The Blue and the Abyss? They don't exist. It's a story to keep people in line."
"I know this is a lot to take in, but your parents aren't your biological family," every time I take a step closer to him in my pacing he takes a step back. "And I can assure you the Blue and the Abyss are real," he says sardonically.
"What do you mean they aren't my biological parents?"
"I don't know how to be more clear on that, angel."
"So then who are my parents?" I challenge him. I want to get in his face and scream at him, but he's still moving around. He won't let me get close to him.
"That is not for me to tell you," he says dejectedly. I can tell he wants to tell me, but for whatever reason he can't. I have to figure out a way to be okay with this, because I want him to tell me as much as he can.
"What can you tell me, Noah?" I ask quietly, slumping into the couch. I can see him relax a little and he moves to lean up against my dining table.
"I can't tell you anymore than I've told you. I've only been tasked with getting you to realize I'm your guardian, and that you are going to stop the Annihilation," he sighs, it's heavy with the weight of his words.
"How long?" I whisper, not meeting his dark eyes.
"I don't know, it could be tomorrow or it could be in 50 years. We do think it's coming quicker than anticipated with all the attempts on your life," he says solemnly. His guard is coming down more, because he sits on the other end of the couch. "You don't remember anything about passing out in the bath?"
I sit for a moment, trying to remember what was going on before the bath. But it's no use, I just remember coming home from work. I don't even remember getting into the bath. "No," I finally say, "I only remember leaving work."
"I'm going to have to stick closer to you," he says pensively. "I think there's a demon trying to get to you, but I can't tell who it is or what they want with you. The Underworld might have figured out you are going to be a pawn and they want you for their side."
"And if I choose not to do this?"
"Then you will die either way. You either stop the world ending for everyone and die or let the world burn and die."
"So, I don't actually have a choice?"
"I'm afraid it seems that way," he says, his thin lips pulling down in a frown.
I don't know what to do with all of this information, not that it sounds like there's much I can do. I want to be alone with my thoughts, but Noah is sitting on the opposite end of my couch like he's here to stay. All of the careful planning I do every day to stay alive, to be told it's all for nothing. I'm going to die and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.
There's no one even willing to do anything to stop it. I am nothing to Noah, but he just accepted I'm going to die without any pushback? Some guardian he is.
"Can I be alone?" I ask softly, picking at the skin around my nails.
"I can't leave you, angel, I'm sorry."
I don't reply to him, but I move to the kitchen and reach into the cabinet by the sink. The cabinet that was for Phil's liquor. The liquor that he never took with him. I grab the darkest bottle, the bottle of Baker's and uncork the too with my good arm. It's almost completely full and I stare at it for a long moment, hand braced against the counter. I can see Noah in my peripheral, but I can't make out his expression. Without another thought I bring the bottle to my lips and take a long pull. My taste buds reject the potent flavor, and I feel myself grimace. It doesn't stop me from bringing the bottle back to my mouth a second time. I don't make a face this time, and it goes down smooth. On the third drink I don't feel anything at all.
"Briar, maybe you should slow down," Noah says from the living room where he's stood and is coming closer. I ignore him as I take another long drink. Noah reaches out and grabs the bottle from my hands. "This isn't going to help, angel."
"Stop calling me that," I snap at him. The nickname twists my insides into a knot. How can he say we can't be together and call me that. Not that I wanted to be with him. I had just thought about kissing him for a millisecond. He wasn't even that attractive.
I don't know who I was trying to fool. He was beautiful, tall and lean, with the darkest eyes I'd seen in person. It doesn't matter that he took the bottle, because it's already doing what I want it to do. I'm numb all over and I don't care so much about the whole sacrifice. However, it's making me want to reach out and trace the outlines of every tattoo on his body. With my tongue.
"Don't act like you don't like it," he says, still holding the bottle of Baker's just outside of my reach.
If he wanted to play, I would play. I don't know who he thinks he is, but no one has ever gotten under my skin quite like he does. The whiskey emboldens me as I take a step closer, pressing my body against his.
"What are-?" Noah starts as I stare up at him, completely flush against him. He let's his guard down and let's go of the bottle to put his hands on my waist.
I know he wants me like I want him, but that's not the release I'm looking for. I push myself up on the counter, closer to his height, closer to look in his eyes. He moves away from the bottle all together and cages me in with his arms on the counter. I challenge him with my eyes, do it, whatever you are thinking just fucking do it.
He's fighting a war in his head when he blinks out and back in on the other side of the space. I pretend I'm not phased as I pick up the bottle and take another long pull. I cross one leg over the other as I take drink after drink after drink. Until I don't care if Noah is here or not.
"Stop this, angel," he begged, I don't know if he meant manipulating him or the drinking. I wasn't going to feel bad about either of those things. Nothing I did mattered anymore.