The Gallaghers needed a new water heater, so I walked with Lip and Ian to find one, preferably a used one.
"So, we're just gonna wait out here?" Ian said as we stopped at a house.
"He's a chain-smoking pothead in a stress-inducing situation," Lip explained, "He'll be out soon."
"What are we supposed to say?" I said.
"Dunno. Just play it cool."
"Play what cool?" Ian said.
"Things people play cool. Jesus, Ian!"
Something rang, and as I reached for my pocket, Lip pulled a phone out of his jacket pocket.
"You got a cell?"
"Someone left it in the cafeteria," Lip said, "Hey, Kare. Yeah, I'm at some dead lady's house trying to see if I can score a water heater. Meet me after?"
He hung up and walked back over to us.
"Kare?" I said.
"Cory Fitch?" he said.
I glared at him as my phone rang.
Incoming call, Diana.
"Ugh, what does this bitch want?" I said, picking up the phone, "Hey."
"Mayo, what the fuck did you do with my wallet?"
"I didn't touch your wallet," I said flatly.
"Well, then why the fuck is it not in my purse?"
"Bitch, how should I know? I'm never home and don't go through other people's things."
"Put your boyfriend on the phone."
"Who?"
"Lip!"
I groaned and looked at Lip, "Here. The wicked stepsister wants to have a word with you."
Lip took the phone and conversed with her for a little. There was some hostility and cursing on his end, which was not surprising.
"I didn't take your fucking wallet. Jesus, maybe you should keep better track of your shit. Oh my god, shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch."
Ian and I looked at each other with wide eyes as she continued cursing him out.
"Yeah, fuck you, Diana. I hope the next dude you bang has herpes," He hung up and returned the phone to me. Ian and I laughed at that last comment.
"What'd she say to you?" I asked.
"Oh, just normal I'm ghetto trash and stuff like that," he said.
"Lovely," I said as a text popped up from Diana, "What the fuck."
"What now?"
"Diana just said she'll give me fifty bucks if I do the laundry and make the Caesar salad tonight because she's going on a date," I said.
"Jesus, bipolar much?" Ian said.
"Oh, you have no idea," I said.
__________________________________________
We finally scored a water heater and found a shopping cart to put it in. As we pushed it down the sidewalk, we heard someone yelling. It was Fiona and Steve in a car.
"Debbie stole a baby. We have to figure out how to return it," Fiona said.
"She did what now?!" I said.
"Debbie stole a baby?" Lip said.
"Yup," Steve said.
"Why?" Ian asked.
"It's Debbie," Fiona said.
"Did not see that coming," Lip said, "Can't we just give it back?"
"Wish we could. It's too late now," Steve said.
Come to think of it, I saw cop cars and heard sirens all over the place. Maybe there was an amber alert? If so, it wasn't looking good for Debbie.
"Find Carl and Blake and get home. Now!"
_____________________________________________________
Ten minutes later, we returned with the boys and sat at the kitchen table with Debbie.
"We need to get your story straight for the police," Fiona said, "Why did you take the boy?"
"He was crying for his mom, and his mom wasn't around," Debbie said honestly.
"Did you try and find his mom?"
"No, he was crying, and nobody cared. So, I took him."
"You can't say that! What's wrong with you?!" Fi said, annoyed as Steve tried to calm her down.
"You know what, Debs? Was he inside or outside of the yard when you took him?" Lip asked.
"Inside."
"Okay," I said, "Then, how'd you get him out?"
"I waved a Snickers bar at him!"
Fi shook her head and put her hands over her face.
"Did anybody see you?" Ian asked.
"I don't think so," she said, "We just ran."
"That wasn't suspicious!" Fi said.
"So, you were running down the street-
"I used a stroller."
"What stroller?" Fiona said.
"Liam's old one."
"The one I told you to throw out?"
"I fixed it! For emergencies."
Someone banged on the door. We hesitated, worrying it was the police.
"Open up! Hurry!"
We sighed out of relief when we heard V's voice.
"What the hell is going on?"
"Is this that missing kid?!" Kev said.
"Debbie stole him," Fi explained, "And now we have to figure out how to get him back without getting her 36 months in juvie."
"Why in the world would she steal-
Fiona gave V a look.
"There must be a couple hundred cops out there," Kev said.
"I know. I'm so sorry," Fi said, "Debs. Will you watch him for a second?"
The rest of us went into the living room.
"I'm not sure what's going on with her," Fiona said, clearly worried.
"Well, maybe it's because your mom bailed, and Frank's a big drunk," Kev said, gaining a what the fuck look from V, "What, I'm the asshole now? She stole a baby!"
"She's also ten!!" I said, "Like you didn't do crazy shit at that age!"
"Alright, look, she obviously planned it," Lip said, "I mean, she took a stroller out of the garbage and fixed it."
"Debbie's still a little kid," Steve said, "The worst thing that happens is she gets some help."
"Help?" Lip said.
"What kind of help?" Ian said.
"Here we go," I said, sensing their defensive tones immediately. The whole family was super opposed to therapy, even though they all needed it.
"She stole a baby," Steve said.
"She's not crazy," Fiona defended her, "She sort of accidentally took a kid."
"Fi, she lured him out of the yard with a candy bar," Steve said.
"What are you suggesting?!"
"Some kind of professional-
"What, a shrink?" Lip said.
"Gallaghers do not do therapy," Fiona said flatly.
We heard Tony make an announcement outside about the boy, whose name was Casey Casden.
"Guys, we're running out of time," I said.
"Lip, we need a plan to get that boy back to his family," Fiona said, "Or family services is gonna have a field day."
"Family services?" Steve said.
"If they find out Frank's moved, they'll take the kids. Split 'em up. Remember what happened last time?"
It was a few months ago, and CPS came and split the family up. Debbie and Carl were put in a home with a black family, Lip was with an old couple, and the husband was on dialysis, Ian was with a Christian family, and Liam was with some smelly weirdo.
So, we devised a plan. After getting Debbie's story straight, making a few calls, and showing up staggered to the Casden's neighborhood, we were all in the clear. Of course, Frank, being right across the street, stuck his nose in and tried to get all the money thrown at Debbie, but Lip and Ian stopped him.
I'm just glad everything worked out.