{Levi's POV}
"You want her off your squad?" Hange asked with a raised eyebrow.
"That's what I said," I sneered. "You lost an eye not your ears."
"But why?" they sat their cup of tea down while I took a slow sip of mine.
"It's like you said," I sat my cup on the table and leaned back in my chair, "Another squad could use her strength. I don't need her on mine."
Hange's lips pursed as they placed their elbows on the table.
"It's nice of you to suddenly be so selfless," they said, their voice full of suspicion.
I shrugged my eyebrows and began to pick up my drink.
"Not sure what that's suppose to mean," I said, "But I-"
"It's besides the point. Why do you want her off your squad."
I halted my cup in front of my mouth and stared at them.
Hange could see right through me and had caught onto my conflict many days before, but there was no way I would've been able to let the truth slip past my lips.
How did I tell them that I was afraid of failing my duties as a Section Commander on behalf of my connection to Mercy? How could one of the strongest soldiers of the Scouts admit that their willpower and self control was nearly diminished at the sight of her? How could I tell Hange that I needed Mercy gone because I was terrified of soiling her life? How could I tell them that I was afraid of happiness or loving someone because anytime I did they would always be ripped away from me?
There were a million good reasons to take Mercy off my squad, and when I really thought about it I couldn't think of a good one to keep her on it.
There were too many forces keeping us apart whether it was the timing or the situation or the fear.
There was only one force that brought us together, and that force was me and my own selfish desires, but I wondered if that damn ring had anything to do with it.
I had to put a stop to it all.
"Please take her off my squad," I said quietly after sifting through my thoughts.
I took a quick sip of my tea while they crossed their arms and leaned back on their chair.
Hange's gaze had softened and moved to the table in front of us as if they'd read my thoughts.
"As you wish," they mumbled and took a deep breath before rising to their feet. "I'll go make the arrangements to put Mercy on squad 47. Then, I need to prepare my collections and data from the mission for the meeting in a few hours," they made their way to the door. "In the meantime, go break the news to Mercy and prepare yourself as well."
They opened the door, but halted on the way out.
"Based on the recon mission," Hange began, "I was going to make Mercy your squad's Team Leader. She showed exemplary strength, and her ability to take quick and decisive action would have made her perfect for the feat." They turned their head at me. "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"
I thought about their words for a moment.
Everything inside of me wanted to go back on my request. All of me ached with the thought of Mercy being even further away from me.
I never had the mind of a soldier. I was never meant to be one, but I knew that I had to pretend.
For humanity's sake.
"Very," I said firmly.
Hange shrugged their lips and lowered their stare before walking out the door.
I finished my tea before following suit several moments later and made my way toward Mercy's quarters.
Knock. Knock.
No answer.
This shit again? I thought as I recalled the last time I wandered to her quarters to break shitty news.
I knocked again with more force and waited several moments before shuffling could be heard on the other side.
The door slowly opened to reveal half of Mercy's face and a pitch black room behind her.
Her hair was disheveled from sleep and her eyelids were puffy. The pale canvas of her cheeks were dashed with a blush pink and her verdant colored eyes glistened in the reflection of the daylight.
Goddamnit, Mercy.
"Yes?" she said weakly and squinted her eyes at me as if she'd just woken up.
I cleared my throat and took in a quick breath.
"May I come in?" I replied sternly.
Her eyes widened slightly before she quickly opened the door and stretched her arm out as a greeting. Her casual attire was loose and wrinkled.
"Captain Levi," she said shakily, "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. Come in," she laughed.
I nodded and stepped inside before she shut the door and left us in darkness. Her footsteps quickly thumped against the flooring and suddenly her face began to slowly glow as she lit the lantern on her desk.
"I'm sorry for it being so dark," she apologized nervously as I glanced at the Scout cloak covering up her window. "I have a terrible headache. Pretty wimpy for a Scout, I know," she laughed as the lantern became fully lit.
I quickly looked around the room.
She had little to no belongings. All of her Scout wardrobe was folded neatly on top of the small dresser and her cot sheets were halfway ripped off.
I noticed a reflection of light out of the corner of my eye.
A golden ring was peeking out from under one of her folded shirts.
I wanted to ask her how she got it, but I was too afraid of her answer so instead I stood awkwardly in the center of her room and waited for her to question my being there.
"It's a little messy in here," she said timidly. "I'm way cleaner than this. I just-"
"Your room is fine," I said quickly before she could continue to talk down about herself. Her room was extremely clean already.
She nodded her head and sat down on the side of her bed.
"I-I also never sleep until this late," she continued. "I didn't sleep at all on the way back from-"
"Mercy," I murmured and her head snapped in my direction. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I'm the one who showed up here unannounced."
She nodded her head slowly, and I wanted to laugh at the whole situation.
Her captain showed up at her door with no warning or explanation, yet she felt the need to explain herself as if the roles were reversed.
She folded her hands on her lap and stared at me expectantly.
I was there to tell her she was off my squad. I couldn't procrastinate it any further and needed to get it out in the open and get it over with.
I opened my mouth to speak, but as I stared back at her the words caught in my throat.
The lantern's reflection flickered against her eyes, and her eyelashes would cast wispy shadows over her cheeks with every blink. She sat there so nervous and so beautiful and I couldn't take it anymore.
I looked over to her Scout cloak that hung above her window.
"Any clue why you have a headache? You're definitely caught up on sleep," I said as I crossed my arms.
Stop stalling, you dumbass.
"Uhm. Yeah..." she said quietly and I moved my attention back to her.
She started to grip her hand tightly and the tips of her fingers slowly turned white.
"Nightmares again?" I asked and she nodded slowly as she stared far away.
I wanted to pull her close to me the way I had on the mission and tell her that I was sorry. I wanted to tell her that I wished to take her pain away.
"Yeah," I said quietly, "I get those, too."
Mercy slowly turned her focus to me as the grip on her hand continued to tighten.
"Is that why you rarely sleep?" She tilted her head slightly at me, the hair tucked behind her ears falling.
"No, I'm an Ackerman. I don't need sleep," I said as I slightly rolled my eyes away from her beauty.
"Sarcasm, my favorite," she giggled through a small smile. "What you do need is some manners."
I raised an eyebrow at her which made her smile only grow.
"You're turning into a brat," she jested which made me drop my jaw sarcastically. It was so easy to joke with her, and my sarcasm never bothered her. If anything she always had a rebuttal, and I enjoyed it.
Remember why you're here, damnit, I scolded to myself.
I let my expression fade and moved my attention to my surroundings once again.
"Levi," Mercy said in a deeper tone.
"Hm."
"Why did you come here?"
Shit.
My heartbeat started to quicken its pace and I could feel her stare on me. I took a slow breath and tried to calm my nerves before looking directly at her. I had to be quick about it or else I would've chickened out again.
"You're being moved to squad 47. Starting today you're no longer apart of my squad," I said as indifferently as I could manage.
Her eyes widened at my words and her lips parted slightly. The rhythm in my chest began to pick up once again and I felt my lungs tighten with regret. I pulled the chair from under her desk and plopped myself down slowly in subtle defeat and did my best not to look at her.
"I-Is this because I didn't wait for your orders in the woods?" She asked quickly. "Or when we-"
"No," I said coldly.
"Is it... because I argued with you when I killed that herd of-"
"No." I shook my head and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees. I could feel the weight of her desperate questions on my heart as I stared at the floor beneath us.
"Is it because-"
"Stop."
"-I had a breakdown in the tree?"
"No."
Her questions became more desperate and her voice even more pleading.
"Did I do something wrong? Is it because-"
"No, Mercy."
"-My formation wasn't good enough? Or is it-"
"Mercy, please."
"Because I'm from the Underground? Is it because-"
"Cut it out."
"-You guys actually do think I'm a monst-"
"Mercy, that's enough!" I snapped and turned my head to face her.
Her lips were pursed and her eyes were welled with tears. She was gripping her hands tighter than ever.
"Am I not enough?" She asked as she tried to keep her composure. The crack in her voice shot an aching pang through my chest. It hurt more than any injury I endured as a Scout. More than any beating I'd taken from Erwin, or anyone else.
Suddenly, I was back in the Underground watching Kenny turn his back to me and walk out of my life. I spent nearly everyday wondering why I wasn't enough for him, or wondering what mistake I made that caused him to abandon me.
You're more than enough, I thought as I eyed all the features of her face and all the beauty she presented. The tips of her fingers began to turn purple at the lack of blood flow.
I couldn't walk out and leave her to think she wasn't enough the way Kenny did to me. I couldn't leave her knowing she'd live everyday wondering what mistake she'd made or what went wrong even though nothing was ever her fault.
I instinctively moved from the chair I was sitting in and quickly kneeled in front of her before I could process my own actions. Her eyes widened as I pulled her hands apart and squeezed them around one of mine. I cupped her balled fist with my other hand and took a quick deep breath.
"If you're going to suffocate anyone's fingers then let them be mine," I said as I stared at our joined hands. "You did nothing wrong, Mercy," I pleaded softly and rested my head on top of her fist. "I'm kneeling before you as your Captain to tell you that the answer to all of those questions is 'no' and that you have done nothing wrong. You are more than enough."
We were both silent for several moments while she hesitantly squeezed my hand. Both of our heartbeats could be felt in my closed fist as I prayed she would believe me.
The situation was shitty at best, but I couldn't help but relish the feeling of her touch.
"Then...why?" she asked sadly.
I should've known my reassurances wouldn't be enough. She had every right to be dubious. For all she knew I was lying through my teeth to satisfy her grievances and get rid of her.
I knew that even if I left right then and there that what I said wouldn't have sufficed and she still would've looked in the mirror and seen a failure.
I had to tell her the truth, and take responsibility.
"Because of me, Mercy," I muttered quietly, the anger towards myself creeping into my voice. Her grip on my hand tightened. She was determined to become a Scout and seemed so thrilled to be apart of my squad. I took those ambitions and crushed them because I couldn't keep my head on straight with her around.
I hated myself for it.
Her grip continued to tighten and the rhythm of our heartbeats thumped harder on my skin.
She took a slow breath in.
"What do you mean?"
"It's my fault this has to happen," I whispered in defeat as my fingers started to tingle from her grasp. "I don't know why and there's no way to explain it, okay, but...you distract me. Something... about you drawls me in and I'm a lesser soldier because of it."
I finally lifted my head to look at her and was met with a small, gentle smile. Her eyes were soft and teary, and the feeling in my fingers was gone. We were so close that I could feel the warm puffs of air from her nose brush my forehead.
"You are a lesser soldier..." She said as she glanced at our hands and back to my gaze. "Because I'm definitely a better fighter than you."
Her cheeks dimpled with a smirk and her eyes squinted slightly as if she was trying to keep herself together.
I couldn't fathom how she managed to do that.
How could she look into the eyes of the man who trampled her goals and desires and make a joke? How could she not rage, or argue, or question? How could she be completely crushed and disheartened, yet carry herself lightly with wit? How?
I shifted my focus between her eyes in search of an answer, but was only met with a universe of beatific uncertainty.
My mouth hung open as I tried to search for something to say. Anything to say.
She tilted her head at me as she regained full composure of herself.
"You can laugh, you know?" She chuckled as the grip on my hand slowly lessened.
"How? How can you?" I asked softly as I shook my head in disbelief.
The corner of her lip turned upward and her gentle stare fell to our hands.
"Ever since I could remember," she whispered, "I wanted to become a Scout and a great soldier, and dreamed of being great enough to be apart of your squad..." she trailed off while the tips of my fingers prickled and stung as blood flowed back to them. "I accomplished everything I'd hoped for... because of you."
"Wha-"
"Shush," she snapped with a bright look in her eye. "You've interrupted me enough for one day."
I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded my head for her to continue.
"Ever since I met you, you've pushed me to accomplish everything I wanted, and I did. I am content, and because of these facts I trust that you know what is right," she said in a calm and hushed tone. "I can see what you mean about being distracted. Like you said to me on top of the stables, you stooped low enough to comfort an insecure soldier and you've done it again by kneeling before her."
I opened my mouth to counter her little stab at me, but her hands quickly untangled from mine and a finger smushed my lips together.
With raised eyebrows she told me that she wasn't done talking, and it took everything in me not to argue with her.
Mercy pulled her hand away from my face and gently held my hands once again. She moved her attention to them and her eyebrows slightly furrowed as if she was confused.
My palms laid against her opened hands and her thumbs caressed the length of my fingers as she eyed them.
She blinked quickly as if to shift her focus back to our conversation before continuing.
"I am a doomed recipe of my parents," she chuckled. "My father's anger rages in my blood, and my mother's grace ingrains my bones and tries to soothe every drop. I'm tired of wanting to reciprocate the pain that others have left me with... I'm tired of being motivated by my father's crossness when all I want is to see the world with the gentle eyes my mother gave me." Her downcast eyes glanced up at me in embarrassment as her lips trembled. "I can't be angry at you. I don't want to be filled with hate, and I can't fault you for your decision, especially when you're the one who helped me reach my goals in the first place."
I wondered in that moment what kind of violence a person had to endure to become so tender and forbearing. I wondered how intensely pain had to burn for it to forgive the cruelties of the world and greet them with comforting arms. I wondered how someone could let go of their grief and anger without squeezing it to death first.
My loss and my hardships and my pain always made me colder. It made me hate the world and hate myself.
I just couldn't fathom how she could hold the vicious atrocities of this life in her hand and tell them that everything would be okay as if they didn't do anything wrong.
She was the type to pray for the devils and demons that roamed the earth because she knew they were the ones who needed the most help.
She squeezed my hands and took a deep breath.
"Just holding your hands in mine I can feel that they would never want to hurt me," she grinned as she continued to caress my fingers.
I couldn't help but think of the dried blood that clung to them, and how it felt like she was wiping them clean with every stroke.
Her head lifted to look at me, but I couldn't stop staring at our hands.
I'd been so afraid of staining her with them. I was terrified of dragging her down just by wanting to be with her.
I stared at the softness of her hands and her forgiving palms and her lustrating fingers as they offered a stained and broken man mercy.
With every brush against my skin and every breath we breathed I could feel her forgiveness and her elegance and the strength of her heart finding it's way into me.
I don't deserve this...
My mind continued to tell me that I wasn't worthy of her essence, but as my soul overflowed with the abundance of her own self I couldn't help but indulge and shoo the thoughts away.
"How could anyone ever see you as a monster?" I scoffed and I felt her shoulders rise and fall as she breathed in deeply.
"Monsters aren't born," she stopped caressing my hands, "They're made."
Her voice was heavy and her fingers trembled against mine.
I wanted to pull them toward me and hold them to my lips. I wished nothing more than to be able to consume the sorrow that shook her until it was all gone.
"What would make you a monster?" I asked softly as I tilted my head back to look at her, but she wouldn't look at me.
"My fa-"
Knock, knock.
We both snapped our attention to the door.
"Mercy, get your ass up!" A voice called from the other side.
I looked to Mercy for an answer and slowly rose to my feet.
"It's Shannon," she whispered to me before standing as well. "I'll be out in a bit. I'm not feeling well!" She called back.
"Well, feel better soon because I have some exciting news!" Shannon's muffled voice beamed.
"Let me guess, I got moved to your squad?"
"Hell yeah you did, so hurry up. All the bigwigs are having a meeting so we'll have the whole day to ourselves. I was thinking about going to see Ron if you wanted to join!"
"Shannon," she sighed loudly, "That sounds great and we'll discuss this in a bit. Now, go away." She smiled and shook her head as Shannon shifted behind the door.
"Wow, that concussion of yours turned you into a real bitch," He laughed and I could feel my fists tightening at his words. I calmed myself when I saw that Mercy was trying not to laugh.
"And it made you even more annoying. Bye!"
He tapped the door several times rhythmically before his footsteps drew further and further away.
"I should get my sorry ass out of here and go meet my new squad," Mercy sighed as she turned to me and shot a pitiful smile.
"Yeah," I said quietly and turned to leave as if nothing had happened. My heart ached.
"Excuse you," she snapped and put her hands on her hips. "You're a total hypocrite about manners, you know?"
Her arm shot straight toward me and her fist opened for a handshake. I stepped toward her as I took an awkward look around.
"I hope you know," I started, "I'm really going to miss how well you clean."
She laughed as I grabbed her hand and prayed it wasn't the last time I'd touch them.
Her grasp was weak against me as we shook.
I felt my lips slowly curling into a grin at the irony of such a strong soldier possessing a pitifully weak grip.
"You need to work on that handshake," I laughed and moved my focus back to her.
Her face showed bewilderment as her eyes went wide which confused me all the same. I expected a witty retort to be fired back at me like usual.
"Thank you for everything, Captain Levi," she said as she cleared her throat. "I'll see you around."
She pulled her hand from mine and my skin longed for her to come back.
I nodded my head and made my way toward the door, catching one more glance at the ring stuffed in her clothes before making my exit.
⎯⎯ ୨ A/N ୧ ⎯⎯
this is one of my favorite chapters so far! mostly because i am vicariously living through Mercy😩don't forget to vote for your fav chapters and comment any questions or thoughts!!! i love you guys long time♥️♥️
~J Lee <3