Arthur did really come and get me in a time that seemed to be less than a minute. He drove us around the city for a while, in an amazing black Ferrari, probably not his, and then decided to stop near the port. We sat in the car for a few more minutes, still in silent, without saying neither a word apart from the greetings when he arrived at the bench I was sat all lonely and sobbing.
"This silence is killing me. I've never spent more than five minutes in your company without hearing you complain about something or making some silly jokes."
He punched jokingly my shoulder, interrupting the run of thoughts in my mind. I was staring blankly at the surrounding. A storm of shiny stars were lightning the sky above us with the big full moon. With the window rolled down I could feel a fresh breeze coming directly from the sea and thank to the calm of the port in that hour of the evening, it was mesmerizing listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.
"Ok... I know what you need right now." Saying so he got out of the car, leaving me there alone for a few minutes, not before coming with two big ice creams in his hands.
"Here you go, champion. Hazelnuts and dark chocolate, if my memory is still working well, right?" He passed me a cone, finally stealing a smile from my stone cold face.
"Thank you, Art. For everything."
"Also for the ice cream I guess." He smirked down at me, starting to lick his gelato worse than a kid. Having him so close again, after all these years spent apart because of our different paths, was making seal the cuts in my heart quite quickly.
"Above all for the ice cream."
After the little snack break that basically consisted in my dinner, I got out of the car, leaving him behind me a bit surprised. "You coming?"
We took a short walk around the huge yachts at the bay, enjoying the unusual quietness of the night, then we sat down at the dork, with our legs bouncing down and our feet almost in the water.
My eyes got stuck at the dark sky, following the paths of the thousands little stars there, recognizing some constellations.
"I've had the worst fight ever with Lando and it's all my fault."
My words came out of nowhere, making him jump for the unexpectedness.
"That sucks... Do you want to talk about it?" I scoffed at his words in reactions, exhausted of talking and talking, as if it would resolve anything at the moment. "Or we could just sit here a little longer, if you prefer..."
His sudden change of plans made me laugh. He looked like scared of me, knowing well how much a bomb ready to explode I could be when something was tormenting me.
Regained back my breath from the laughters, I recomposed myself, leaning more in my seat and getting closer to him, just to avoid other people hearing my relationship's problem.
"He bought a house. For the both of us. He didn't even ask me to move in with him first..."
It took me almost half an hour to explain him the reasons why I was broken alone in a bench in this country, as I was often interrupted by my own sobs and loud sighs, impossible to hold back.
"Hey, come here." His arm reached my shoulder, pulling me in a short side-hug that increased my bad humor, my cries even worse than before. I snuggle my face against his chest, to hide the embarrassment of the moment of being with him in these terrible state.
As the good friend he's always been to me, he stayed there, not daring to move, keeping me tight in his embrace, caressing my back every now and then in comfort, exactly as he was used to do back in the hospital after my accident, when I had to spend more than a month laid down, unable to move on my own and fighting with the demons in my head.
"Can I give you my point of view?" He asked, when my head fall on his lap, laying down on his legs while he was still brushing my hair in such a gentle way that I could fall asleep.
"Are you going to tell me that I'm a selfish, egocentric brat bitch?" I asked back, staring in his blue eyes.
"Did he say so?!" He almost shouted astonished.
"No, not really. Not with these exact words at least."
"Kiara..." He sent me a warning look, the same he was used to directed me when angry for the race I wanted to jump the interviews, hiding in our Prema garage, back in our two seasons in Formula 3.
"I'm not taking sides in any of this, just to be clear. But- I mean- have you ever thought that maybe it's a good thing? It means that he's truly in love with you, at the point that he chose a house to share his whole life with you."
Like a little spoiled child, I turned around on my side, now facing the sea and not him.
"I've got your point, very well. After all the problem you guys have been through, you should know how much important is communication. He could have asked you and all but, would have you said yes then?"
I pulled myself up, staring at him again.
"What are you insinuating?"
"Nothing, nothing. It's just that- maybe, I repeat maybe, you're scared of letting you enjoy all these good emotions, things and moments. Maybe you just don't feel ready to make such a big step, because let's be honest it really is scary, 'cause you don't feel ready to face the fact that finally your life is giving you a whole new second chance. Kiara, let's not hide behind a finger. You survived a mortal accident, you've recovered more than expected, you've found back your job, indeed even a better one. You're living your dream. You're a freaking Formula 1 driver, in a quite good team and you're also performing well! You found the time also to study and- how many exams are left? Two? Then you'll be an engineer! Can you believe it? And what else? Hmm, oh, yes. You have a boy that is completely, deeply, unconditionally, in love with you, I still wonder why..." I punched his arm now. "Ouch! No need to be violent. Anyway, I was saying... Everything you've ever dreamed of is in your hands now, it's up to you how to play."
"And how should I play, huh? Arth, I don't even know what I'll do once the season is over. I miss two exams and I don't even know when I'll give them. I had another surgery and only God knows if it'll be the last one. And about Lando... we're together for less than an year and we've experienced all the problems that a normal couple would live in a whole lifetime."
"You're a fighter, Kiara. You've always been. Remember when you discussed with the marshals at that race when they gave you a stupid penalty because of track limits, when you didn't even touched them? You screamed at them that much that they were actually scared of you. You've always fought for what you care, for your rights, for the people you love. Why are you stopping now?"
"I'm not quitting, it's just- Argh, what a mess. Arth, I'm a mess, that's the truth, I-"
"No, you're wrong. You're just scared of being happy. Kiara, let yourself free. Enjoy it all, be happy, live your life freely. You can't miss all of this just because you're scared of what it may or not come later. Trust me, I know how much an ass the fate is, giving you all and then taking it away a second later, but it's not always like this, not always for you."
I was trying my best to suppress the flowing tears but seeing him like this, sat with his legs crossed in the middle of a random port, trying to help me deal with myself, was melting my heart.
"What would you do if you were me?"
"I can't answer this." He said with a big smile and moving his hand left and right.
"Why?" I spouted back.
"Because I don't have feelings for the famous Lando Norris. I mean, I heard he's a good guy, a modest driver too but personally-"
I cut him short. "You know what I mean."
"You're the only one that should choose what to do. I can just suggest you to follow your heart, to turn off your strict rationality for once, not because it's a bad thing, but because you're using it in the wrong way."
Drying the last drops from my cheeks, he got up, brushing the back of his trousers and pulled a hand towards me.
"I guess you're tired. Wanna come over? Sleep on it and then let's see what tomorrow brings, ok?"
"Thank you, Arth. But I don't want to be a burgage for you."
"You've never been anything else than my best friend. Now you need me so you'll come with me."
***
A few days passed, I stayed with Arthur all the time, between his mom's house who is such a sweetheart and Charles' home, who was quite surprised to see the gang reunited after all this years.
I was afraid of facing the truth on Thursday, of coming in the paddock with the 100% probability of meeting Lando. Useless to say that he didn't look for me these past days, mostly because of my last text that never got a response.
"Hey, sorry for escaping but I think that we really need some time apart. I hope you understand it. Anyway I'm fine, thanks for leaving my stuff at the lobby. See you around. Please, don't be mad at me... <3"
I knew mine was a stupid attempt of putting my hands in front of me to not fall. Of only one thing I was sure at the moment: I was in love with Lando. But my mind, maybe more my conscience kept asking me thousands of questions that sounded more of accusations... legit accusations.
If you really love him as you repeat to yourself, why don't you feel ready to take a step forward? He did so much for you. He waited for you to go public, to meet your family, to conquer your trust. We both know that he was the first to fell for you, but are you sure you fell harder?
"You definitely look like a zombie!"
Pierre bump in my shoulder, waking me up from my little zone-out moment. I needed a coffee, a long strong coffee.
"That's really what a girl wants to hear first in the morning."
"Stating the truth, cherié."
Stating the truth. He just used the same words Lando spouted, straight into my face, with all his arrogance and annoyance in what should have been our apartment.
"Are you even listening?"
"Ehm, no, not really. Sorry P."
"I asked if you're alright. You're pale and your puffy eyes can't be well hidden behind your glasses forever. I don't think they fit properly under the helmet." My teammate said trying to ease the mood.
"I didn't get much sleep these past nights."
"There's something called concealer. My girlfriend uses it every time, also to cover some hickeys. It's magic!"
His enthusiastic tone made me almost nauseous. In these past days I spent most of my time crying my soul out, isolating myself from everything. Between the gym with Michael and short moments of peace with Arthur and Charles, I've just tried to mute my inner voice.
Was I really in love with Lando?
"And you're distracted again... Are you sure you'll be able to drive in these conditions? Monaco is not an easy one-"
"Pierre, just drop it, ok?"
"Hmm, someone woke up with the wrong moon, huh?"
"I didn't sleep at all. Don't give the fault to the poor moon."
"Luckily you didn't loose your bad sense of humor. Good to know."
I was about to reply, maybe even a bit too aggressive, when we both got taken on the stage for our interviews of the weekend.
***
The Free Practices were an absolute disaster. I've crashed twice in the same turn, damaging first only a tyre and then the entire front wing, causing a red flag that stopped the session for everyone.
The Qualification weren't better as I got out of Q1 for the first time since I've entered F1. Franz was slightly annoyed at me, mostly because Pierre did a perfect job, getting a modest P9 to start the race. In other words everybody was pushing me to do my job, to focus and collect myself because for the first time, it wasn't the car to blame.
It's hilarious to say that the whole team was surprised to see me finish the race, even though almost at the bottom of the grid. I made a contact with the same stupid turn that pulled me out twice on Friday and then also with one of the Williams, that cost me a penalty of 5 seconds in the pit. On my chill lap Fred was still blaming me for this weekend, asking me what was wrong but I cut it off short, begging him to leave it all at the usual post-race debrief, as I needed a moment for myself.
My heart skipped a beat when through one of the screen around the track, I spot the most beautiful smile I've ever imagined, the one that made me fall in love with him, the one that in these terrible past days made me doubt my own feelings.
Lando got a podium, a freaking podium in Monaco, one of the most special GP for a driver.
Back in the pit, I didn't wait for the mechanics to come and help me get out of the car- I didn't deserve their help after all the shit I've put them during the weekend. Once out of the vehicle, all I wanted to do was running to him, pulling my arms around his neck to make our bodies collide in the only hug able to make me feel over the moon, to grab his head by his shaved cheeks to pull him in a long kiss, hoping he would forgive me and understand how much I care about him.
But I couldn't.
I was the one to ask time. Simply like that, I couldn't just go to him and pretend everything was already in the past, when it clearly wasn't, at least for me, because only God knows what was going on in his head.
Keeping the head down, mostly because of how much ashamed I was right now, I walked silently across the paddock, directed to my room. I wanted to be alone, smoke a cigarette and get out of the sweaty suit, to finally get over the guilty feelings I had with the team. And so I did.
While heading in the meeting room, I spot again his happy face spluttered in tenths screens everywhere around me. Knowing that his contagious bright smile was gifted to other people than me made me almost jealous, but as soon as I reckon back my sense, I noticed how stupid I was.
"Fucking hell." I murmured between my teeth, trying to not catch any reporters' attention.
"Yeah, you can say so. Damn, your race was pure shit."
Turning around I found Arthur, with his usual cheeky annoying smile, facing me.
"Thank you for your support." I spouted back with all the sarcasm left in my body.
"C'mon, I was trying to dramatize, and you know it."
Without hearing another word, I started walking back to my destination, but he wasn't finished yet.
"Oh, come here." His arms pulled me in an unexpected hug, the same one I wanted to share with someone else in that exact moment. Although all the dislike I have for physical contact, above all if sudden, I found myself shifting comfortably in the embrace, as if after all I needed it.
He pressed a smile kiss on my temple, moving back some hair. "Go now. I'll wait for you outside. Tonight we're gonna get wasted. We're in Monaco after all."