Firefight outside the Blue Base.
Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.
Tucker: I didn’t even know what half of that meant.
Rayner: Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.
Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.
Church: We do not have time to discuss this.
Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin’ the breeze and the best soldier here. Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.
Rayner: Relax, Tucker, we’re gonna give you covering fire.
Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you’re gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.
Church: No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?
Rayner: Okay, how ‘bout this. I’ll draw their fire away and you go when it’s clear, sound good?
Tucker: …(sigh) alright, fine.
Zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues.
Grif: Simmmonns… I-I can’tt ffeeel my handdds.
Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.
Zoom back to Rayner.
Rayner: Alright, here we go.
Suddenly, two doubles of Rayner emerges from his suit and starts running out in the open, drawing fire.
Simmons: (sees the clones) There! (they start shooting the clones)
Church & Tucker: (shocked) What the fuck!?
DuFresne: Huh?
Rayner: (to Tucker)Go now!
Tucker: Oh, uh, right!
Tucker starts to run to Caboose, but Sarge noticed this.
Sarge: Oh no you don’t , blue! (shoots at Tucker)
Tucker gets hit in the shoulder before falling in front of Caboose behind the rock.
Tucker: (in pain) Oww, my shoulder!
Caboose: (peppy) Hey, Tucker! Welcome to my rock! (deep scary voice) Where you will spend your last, painful moments. Muahahaha!
Tucker: (scared) H-Help!
Cut to Rayner.
Rayner: Damn, their Sargeant is better than I thought.
Rayner’s clones disappears.
Grif & Simmons: (confused) What the fuck?/Where’d they go?
Cut to Church and DuFresne.
Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Tucker.
DuFresne: My name isn’t Doc, it’s DuFresne.
Church: Yeah. I can’t pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.
DuFresne: I’m not really comfortable with that. I’m not a doctor, I’m a medic.
Rayner: What’s the difference?
DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die.
Rayner: … thank God I know how to patch myself up.
Church: It’s settled then. Your name is now Doc.
DuFresne: Alright, but I don’t think it’ll stick.
Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic music playing.
Rayner: Oh, trust us, it’ll stick.
Church: Now get over to Tucker and do something about his shoulder, and while you’re at it help him hold that position.
Doc: I don’t have a gun, I’m a pacifist.
Church: Well then just get over there and yell “bang bang bang”.
Doc: Eh, I don’t know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.
Rayner: Oh, come on.
Doc: I’ll just treat his shoulder and nothing else.
Church: (sigh) Fine.
Zoom to the Reds.
Simmons: Ah crap, I’m out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.
Grif: Me? I don’t have any extra. I’m down to one bullet.
Simmons: Wha- How can that be? You’re the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.
Grif: Wait, since when?
Simmons: Since the last staff meeting.
Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.
Simmons: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.
Grif: What’s your job?
Simmons: Me? I’m the Social Chairman.
Sarge: Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.
Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.
Zoom to Doc and Tucker
Doc: I’m here Tucker, aside from your shoulder were you hit anywhere else?
Tucker: Ah, ow, ow, ow, n-no, just the shoulder.
Doc: Right or left shoulder?
Tucker: Ah, left. The left one.
Doc: Alright, hold still.
Caboose: Yeah, that looks nasty. But now, you have a battle scar to show the ladies, Tucker!
Tucker: Caboose, shut up.
Doc: Anything else?
Tucker: Uh, well wha?
Doc: You have a bullet wound on your shoulder. Are you sure there’s nothing else wrong?
Tucker: Uh… no, no I’m good.
Caboose: Don’t worry Tucker. I’ll sing a song to make your pain go away. (singing) Pain pain go away–
Tucker: (Caboose still singing) Grrgh, Shut up, Caboose!
Zoom to Rayner and Church.
Church: Hey dude, why aren’t the Reds firing?
Rayner: They’re most likely outta ammo.
Sarge: Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!
Church: Surrender?
Rayner: Yup, definitely outta ammo.
Red vs Blue : Mirage
By SILVETfighter
Former mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a n... More