Static and radio noises are heard. Camera fades in on a dim view of a planet.
Male Voice: Come in Blue Command, come in.
Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch.
Male Voice: This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?
Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down.
Vic: (distorted) Yes, dude, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two.
DuFresne: Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.
Vic: (distorted) Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.
Camera continues to pan down, revealing DuFresne in purple armor.
DuFresne: Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-
Vic: (audio distortion ends) Yo, I hear you. Calm down, dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?
DuFresne: Uh, roger that Command.
Vic: Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on, dude?
DuFresne: Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?
Cut to view of Vic at Command.
Vic: Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?
DuFresne: You're sure? The Blue Command base?
Vic: Hey, dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.
DuFresne: Naw, I know, it's just...
Vic: It's just what, dude?
DuFresne: Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.
Vic: Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Rayner.. ask him about their wounded dude.
DuFresne: Roger that. Any other orders?
Vic: Anything else.. yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't- oh. Okay, never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just, uh, be very careful. That's all.
DuFresne: ...Great.
Vic: Alright then. Well it's our goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just, um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.
DuFresne: Okay... Private Rayner...
Cut to Blue Base.
Tucker: Hey, Church, we have a problem.
Church: (in cobalt armor again) I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like.
Tucker: I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.
Caboose: No, I didn't.
Tucker: Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?
Caboose: You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.
Tucker: What? What context?
Rayner walks up to Tucker.
Rayner: Hey, what's wrong?
Tucker: Dude, something's wrong with Caboose. I mean, even more than normal.
Rayner: Yeah, I've been noticing how aggressive he's been getting ever since Tex died. *thoughts* Could it be that A.I.?
DuFresne runs up behind Church.
Church: Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-
DuFresne: (interrupting) Excuse me.
Church: Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah, loo- I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good.
DuFresne: Excuse me.
Church: (turns around) Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?
Caboose: (to Tucker, in his "scary voice") Don't ever be alone.
Tucker: He's doing that thing again...
Rayner: Caboose, we need to have a conversation about your recent aggressive... tendencies, here at Blue Base.
DuFresne: My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Rayner?
Church: No, I am not Private Rayner. My name is Church. (turns) This is Private Rayner.
Rayner: (gives two fingered salute) Sup?
Church: And these two here, the one in teal is Tucker and the one in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.
Caboose: Why did you introduce me last?
Tucker: Because he hates you.
Cut to DuFresne where two tombstones are seen in the background.
DuFresne: I received your call for a medic.
Caboose: Medic? That was like three months ago.
Tucker: Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?
DuFresne: I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?
Church: Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down.
DuFresne turns around and sees the tombstones.
DuFresne: Oh. (turns back to the Blues) I'm sorry about your loss.
Church: What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do...
Rayner: (shrugs) Eh, it wasn't a big loss.
Caboose: We didn't like her very much. (whispers loudly) She was mean to other people.
DuFresne: Who's in the other grave?
Church: That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.
DuFresne: ... Uh huh... Of course.
Caboose: See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.
Tucker: Or by the idiot driving it.
Caboose: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh... oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man... Who... is blue...
Tucker: Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off. Thankfully Rayner knew Spanish so he's been translating for us during that time.
Rayner: (sighs) Cada vez que Church quería hablar, yo tenía que traducir para él. "Rayner di esto, di aquello" ha sido agotador. [Every time Church wanted to speak I had to translate for him. "Rayner say this, say that" it's been exhausting.] Thankfully, as Tucker said, we've turned it off.
Church: (click) No esta completamente apagado, pendejo. [Not entirely turned off, moron.]
Rayner: ( to Tucker) Y'know what? Why don't I just teach you Spanish?
DuFresne: Wait, so, no one here is hurt?
Church: (click) No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, or when Rayner tells me to do something, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before.
Caboose: You said they were shorting out.
Church: (click) I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I can't hear you!
DuFresne: Well then let me just check you three out, and I'll be on my way.
Tucker: Whoooa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?
DuFresne: (holding up a medical scanner) No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.
Caboose: (to Tucker) I bet I have better vitals than you! (to Church) ...What's a vital?
Church: On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?
DuFresne: No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed.
Church: First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds.
DuFresne: Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.
Rayner: Wait, they still do those things?
Tucker: A conshe- who?
DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on...?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.
Rayner: Y'know, I've been tolerating your perverse nature all this time. Maybe I should start doing something about it.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.
DuFresne: (finishing his scan) Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?
Tucker: Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.
DuFresne: I'm not. Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time.
Church: Man, that is so freakin' lame.
Rayner: Seriously? How short handed are we?
DuFresne: I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help.
Church: Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand.
DuFresne's medical scanner gets shot.
Church: Yeah, just like that.
Another shot goes between DuFresne and Church.
Church: Scatter!
Cut to Sarge and Donut in the middle of the canyon. Donut is using a sniper rifle.
Sarge: Nice shot, cupcake.
Donut: Thanks, Sarge!
Simmons: (firing his machine gun a few times) Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!
Grif: (standing up in front of Simmons) Yeah, sneak attack!
Simmons: Sit down, you dumb ass, I can't see.
Sarge: Hike up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em.