Chapter 52
My life was truly surprising. One day I was being overly dramatic claiming Lexi Grayson would never love me, and then on another day I had my head between her legs in the shower.
I'd never done this specifically with anyone else before, but I wasn't a complete idiot either. I understood basic biology.
Also, when my girlfriend was becoming quite unhinged, I could assume I wasn't doing anything wrong. Anything that elicited a vocal response got repeated.
I probably took a little too much pleasure in having my Pumpkin moan my name.
I was on a high.
And even after we were both out of the shower, I still couldn't stop grinning.
While brushing my teeth, I looked at myself in the mirror and almost burst out laughing while thinking about one thing I did right.
"What's so funny?" Lexi asked, while drying her hair with her towel.
"It's just... Doctor Boseman told me to think about something I was proud of myself for, or that I did right anytime I brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror. And I was just thinking about something I just did right," I told her, grinning around my toothbrush.
My Pumpkin grinned back, taking a step closer. "No arguing with you here. Do you want to try again? To make sure you really know what you're doing?"
"Naughty Pumpkin," I booped her nose and she scrunched it, smiling at me, before pressing a quick kiss to my cheek before heading to bed.
I joined her shortly after, cuddling under the sheets.
"You know, your bed is clearly more comfortable than mine," Lexi said, when the lights were off, and my arms were wrapped around her. "Maybe we need to stop sleeping over at my place, and just always come here."
The way she said it, I burst into laughter. "Come here, sure, sure."
"Don't you appreciate my humour?"
"I think I've created a monster."
"You did. So now you need to deal with it," Lexi said, raising herself and pressed her lips against mine, getting on top of me.
Her hands were in my hair, lips on my skin, ass moving just at the right spot, as she trailed kissed down my neck.
Moved just enough to drive me wild.
Fire, fire, fire.
I was kind of gasping for air already, and she was barely doing anything.
I was really a lost cause.
Everything so far between us had been too much, too much, and yet not enough. It wasn't the first time I was feeling like this. Like there was no way I could ever truly show Lexi how much I loved her. Like there were no words I could say. Like this couldn't even dim the need I felt for her. I would never have enough.
I felt unhinged. In a good way. In a bad way. In a way I could barely recognize myself.
Lexi suddenly stopped kissing me, and looked up, saying in a low voice. "Don't worry, I just wanna kiss you chest, nothing more."
"You say that like anything you do doesn't completely unravel me," I let out in a shaky breath.
I could see her grin in the dark, before pressing a kiss on my chest, right over my heart.
"I love you Blake Eaton. Just because you're you. I don't care about what happened before. I just care that you're mine now, and that I'm yours. I love you, and I trust you and I'll wait for you."
I sat up, taking her with me, my arms wrapped around her.
I leaned my forehead against her shoulder, feeling like I was going to fight off a sob.
Lexi wrapped her arms around me, holding me tightly. "It's okay if you feel broken. It's okay if you're hurt. To me, you're perfect. Scars and all."
It the cover of darkness, we held each other.
Loving Lexi Grayson, being love by Lexi Grayson... none of it felt real.
We laid back in bed, my girlfriend making a point of keeping her face at my chest level, which I found ridiculous, but humored her. She kept sneaking kisses.
The room was quiet.
I was alone with my thoughts.
As we laid in bed like this, my arms wrapped around my Pumpkin, I thought back to the shower.
Another first. Two first technically.
Was this good enough? Was this worthy of her?
Suddenly, I was kind of second guessing everything I had done.
Maybe I should have waited for a more romantic time to do this to her. Would this be a good memory for her. I'd basically just dumped more of my trauma on her and then eaten her out.
The whole experience kind of felt like it had been more about me.
And I just started to spiral from there, second guessing everything, and feeling like I really didn't deserve my girlfriend, feeling like I was using her and I'd just worn her out with my love rather than having her actually love me naturally.
I was spinning in my head, and I dozed off with those toxic thoughts, so unsurprisingly, I had nightmares.
It didn't feel like I had completely fallen asleep, but I was seeing my brother getting hit by a car, like on a loop, and then it turned me and Lexi in her room, and her yelling at me to leave her alone and running away from me and tripping down her stairs, tumbling down violently, and I was having a hard time breathing and I was sobbing and yelling and I was hearing my name being called, my shoulders being shaken.
"Blake!" I opened my eyes to my girlfriend hovering over me, looking a little panicked. "It's okay, you're okay. You're okay," she kept repeating, running a hand over my hair.
I was having a hard time catching my breath, my head was pounding. I could feel a migraine building up.
In between hissed breaths, I let out a "fuck".
My whole skin felt on fire, but a very different kind from the one I had felt earlier. It was like I was suffocating in my own skin. I was shaking and I wanted to hurt myself to stop this pain and hollow out feeling in my chest and I didn't understand why I was feeling like this and then I fucking realized.
"Shit. Haven't taken my medication in two days," I breathed.
Lexi heard. "Where is it?"
"In the bathroom."
What an idiot. What a goddamn idiot. I couldn't even do such a simple thing. I'd been distracted and feeling too good and I'd forgotten.
Lexi rushed out of bed and into the bathroom, and came back with all of my prescriptions, clearly unsure what I was supposed to take now.
God, I really had too many issues.
What was she doing here with a guy like me? I couldn't even function properly without medication.
What a fucking treat.
This was the nice wake up call reminding me I was a fucking mess.
"Blake? Which one?" Lexi asked, taking bottles and showing me.
I grabbed my mood medication and headache ones, and gulped everything down.
Lexi stayed beside me, rubbing a hand on my back, while I just kept kind of shaking. "Blake, it's okay, just breathe, okay?"
"I'm so sorry," I let out in a whine.
"Don't apologize, it's not your fault."
"Yes, it is. I forgot my medication."
"Anyone can forget. This is not your fault. Don't worry."
"I'm such a fucking mess," I said, leaning forward, pressing my head against my bed, like it was magically going to stop the headache building up.
"You're not. You just forgot to take medication. It's going to be okay, it's going to get better soon. You just need to breathe and to calm down."
"Ah shit..."
"What?"
"Fuck... my head." Everything was hitting me all at once. I was having a hard time just speaking. "Can you go turn off the light in the bathroom."
"Oh, yes, sorry," Lexi replied and I felt her get out of bed, and saw the light go off.
It helped. But it also didn't.
"I'm so sorry. I really didn't want you to have to deal with me like this," I told Lexi once she was back beside me.
"Did you forget? I love to take care of people. Stop freaking out. I'm here. I'm not leaving. And you're going to be okay," she whispered, saying it more confidently than I could feel.
My head was throbbing with pain, and I just wanted the medication to kick in so I could fall asleep and not dream and wake up and forget any of this had happened.
This was a reality check I could have gone without.
__________________________
Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D
So. Yeah. Sorry. XD I mean, Blake can't magically be all healed. It's a process. But we'll get there. Hehehehe.
I've been doing the planning for the future, and I think we have around 25 chapter left of Little Bitch? 30? Anyway. Yeah. Like around 25 chapters and then it's back to Lexi's POV while we deal with the accident. So, basically, we're going to pick off the story right where it ended in I Sold in the last chapter before the epilogue. I'm excited to pick it off where I stopped honestly. Also, it'll mean that we'll get Nik in the main storyline soon. (And no, I have not forgotten about Nik, don't worry.) I have like, a bunch of ideas and projects. We need to finish Life in Paintings, so I can start Daisie's Letters. I want to start uploading Tenth Knot weekly too, so we can finish it. I actually have a shitty reason why I haven't been uploading this story and it's a 100% because someone kind of ruined my joy around it. Yeah. A nice mess. Anyway, I shall spare you the details, but I do want to start writing Tenth Knot again. I'm done having my joy ruined. And then of course, Nik and Josh/Daph need their stories uploaded more often too.
So yeah. I think I want to find a way to set up like, writing sessions, in maybe livestream formats, so I HAVE to write and I can't be distracted. I get distracted so easily lately, and it's reaaaally annoying me. I kinda get stuck with a certain part of a story and I just end up cleaning my room, and rearranging my stuff, trying to find a way to make things work and I just end up not writing anything. I need to figure something out so I actually write more efficiently.
This is my last Monday where I have to work at least. The FEQ starts July 6th. I think I'm going to go see.. maybe 6 shows? Less if I'm too lazy. XD So yeah, that'll take some of my time, but otherwise, I think if I kick myself in the butt, I can manage to stop being uuuuuuseless.
Alright. This was a long rant. I don't actually want to work tomorrow. We have smog here in Quebec City because of all the forest fires. Oh, also, our bus drivers are about to go on strike next week. For two weeks. No buses. For two weeks. Right in the middle of the music festival where we need to most buses in the city. This summer is really started off beautifully. :')
Love you guys! Thanks for reading this chapter! I'll see y'all next week! <3