Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor (Donut) is walking up the ramp behind them.
Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.
Grif: Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-
Donut: Excuse me, uh, sirs.
Grif: Sirs? [turns to Donut] Ah crap.
Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.
Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.
Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.
Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."
Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?
Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.
Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
Donut: This IS the standard issue red.
Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.
Donut: [looks at Simmons] Well, he's wearing red armor.
Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?
Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.
Church, Tucker, Rayner and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank.
Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
Tucker: Hey, kid.
Caboose: Yeah?
Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
Caboose: Oh. Okay. You got it man!
Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.
Rayner: Look at you big guy. Finally a real soldier in this base.
Church: [Turns to Rayner] Fuck you Rayner.
Cut to the Reds.
Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.
Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!
Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
Donut: Absolutely!
Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.
Grif: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.
Donut: The what?
Simmons: He means the Warthog.
Grif: You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?
Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.
Simmons: Well, get going then.
Donut starts running across the base.
Grif: Other way.
Donut turns around and goes the other way.
Donut: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.
Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch.
Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
Grif: I say... at least a week.
Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.
Donut: Elbow grease... How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.
Cut to the Blues.
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
Rayner: Last time I got involved with two women I got shot.
Tucker: Hoh hoh, dude! I didn't take you to be quite the playboy.
Rayner: It's not-owh whatever.
Cut to Grif and Simmons.
Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
Donut approaches Blue Base.
Donut: Finally, there it is. ...Oh sweet! They sell tanks!