XL: Blake
"So, Blake...you visited your father between this session and our last one, right?"
Blake took a deep breath and nodded, making herself meet doctor Cardaso's eyes.
"Yeah. I did what you suggested and talked to him about the house and the money..."
She trailed off with a sigh, chest tightening.
"I still--" she started, then paused for a moment, swallowing before she forced out the words.
"I still don't want the money, but I know it's the smarter thing to do."
"Would talking more about that help? Or does it make you feel like you're not being heard when you talk about that with other people and just give you reasons why you should take the money?"
Blake shook her head.
"No, talking about it is a good idea."
Her therapist smiled, making a note on her pad.
"Well, if you don't mind sharing the details, what's your current income level? Compare it to minimum wage if that helps."
Blake smiled just a bit.
"It's actually not bad. I make enough to support myself and buy my textbooks and any groceries or incidentals that I need, and I'll be able to pay down my student loans a bit more aggressively than most people once those start up."
She frowned, taking a deep breath, "But I know that this isn't as stable as a nine to five, and having to pay for my own health insurance definitely impacts it more than I thought."
"Is that what you and your father talked about?"
Blake shrugged, "A little bit. We talked about the health insurance, travel expenses if I wanted to go anywhere--or if I wanted to come visit him more often like I said I did. Which I do. He also said that the money would help me afford the house if I wanted to live there."
She paused, frowning, "I don't, but I know my roommates probably won't want to live in the same place we do now once we're done with school, so i'll need to find a new place to live. Either by myself or with other roommates."
Or with Liam, she added silently.
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, and her cheeks felt a bit hot as she thought about the possibility of that.
That's years away though, who knows if we'll still be together then.
Blake hoped they would.
She squeezed her fists tight at her side.
That's why I'm doing this, she told herself.
Not just for him, but so something like that doesn't seem so impossible. So that even if things don't work out for whatever reason, I can make sure that it's not because I'm the one sabotaging us or holding anything back.
"Blake?"
Blake blinked up at the therapist, then realized she'd been silent for a while. She didn't know if the doctor had said anything else.
"Sorry," she said, cheeks burning even hotter as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, glancing down at the floor for a moment.
When she looked back at Dr. Cardaso, the woman was smiling.
"Don't apologize," she said, "What were you thinking about?"
Blake's initial reaction was to just deflect, but she knew that that wouldn't help here, and that the doctor would be able to know what she was doing. She also didn't like that that was her initial reaction, so she paused for a moment, met the doctor's gaze, and made the words come out.
"My boyfriend."
Just saying that still made her smile. Blake hoped it always would.
"Anything in particular about him?"
Blake nodded.
"I was thinking about living with him. I don't think I would want to do it until after college, because if anything did happen that would be a complication that I don't need with my studies. I don't think anything is going to happen, and that's part of why I want to do this, so that with him or in any other relationships in my life, if things go south, it's because of actual problems we can't fix, rather than just me fucking things up."
She ran a hand through her hair, then smiled, "But the idea of living with him, and having a space where I can just be with him and be myself..."
She trailed off, smiling even wider as she looked back to Dr. Cardaso.
"Thinking about that makes me happy."
Dr. Cardaso smiled.
"Well then, maybe that's something that you can use to try and look at taking the money in a different way. Not necessarily just moving in with your boyfriend, but planning for the future. You don't want the money because you're angry at your mother. That's valid despite what some people might tell you, but that doesn't mean it's the only valid solution for you. Instead of holding on to that anger, and letting her continue to deny you things, wouldn't it be better to take that money and use it to improve your life? Instead of looking at it as something that gives her some sort of hold over you, you can look at it as something that can help you toward freedom and doing what you want. In a financial sense at least."
Blake thought about it for a moment, then sighed, leaning forward and running a hand through the hair that fell in front of her face.
"That's annoyingly logical."
Dr. Cardaso just smiled back at her.
I don't want to push you too hard on that," the woman said, "As this has to be your choice, not something that i'm telling you to do, so let's move to something else so you have time to think on that until our next session."
Blake nodded, "OK like what?"
"Your boyfriend seems to come up a lot. You two are long distance at the moment, correct?"
Blake nodded, "Unfortunately."
The doctor smiled, snorting at that.
"How is that going? I know long distance can be hard, especially at the beginning of the relationship."
Blake took a deep breath.
"It shouldn't be hard after only a week of not seeing him," she said, "and I don't think it would normally be that difficult if I wasn't dealing with everything else. And if the Hallmark Channel hadn't conditioned me and everyone else to think that this is the most romantic time of the year."
They both laughed at that.
"How much of what's going on in your life right now have you shared with him?"
Blake sighed, "Probably not as much as I should have."
"Don't think about what you should do," Dr. Cardaso said, voice a little bit firmer, "That sort of thinking can lead to you being harder on yourself than you need to be. But, that is a good thing to explore. What is it that you want to share with him or think you need to share with him, that you haven't yet?"
Blake frowned, thinking for a moment.
"A lot. I haven't really told him anything about my dad, or my family arrangement. He knows about my mom, somewhat, but I haven't really told him about my dad, so he doesn't know this whole story about my mom. What I have told him about though...he's been really wonderful and supportive about it. He's there for me when I need him, and when I tell him I just want to talk with him but I don't want to talk about what's bothering me, he's very good about giving me my space in that way, and just letting me bring it up when I'm ready."
"He sounds very wonderful."
"He is," Blake said smiling, "A part of me..."
Blake paused, wondering if she should even say it.
That is why you're here.
"A part of me," she started again, "feels like I'm in a bit of a fantasy land with him. He's definitely not perfect, but he's pretty close. I keep waiting for the bubble to pop. I was really worried about that when we had our fight after someone recognized me, But it didn't happen. I think a part of me is a little scared about that. He's already so wonderful dealing with my...unorthodox occupation."
The doctor smiled a little at that, and Blake continued.
"I have a show that I'm doing later tonight--a New Year's and Christmas thing, so it's easier to give people a little variation and do some themed stuff--but it's partially for him as well, so we can connect in that way at the very least, and I'm really excited for it."
She blushed a bit at the next part, despite herself.
"I do have... exhibitionist tendencies, which is a part of why I started camming, so I like it when people watch me, but I also like it when I have Liam all to myself. That he's okay not just with watching me, but with not being the only one watching me, and he doesn't get super jealous or anything like that... It sometimes seems too good to be true. He understands that it's what I do, and he knows I like it, so he's supportive. And when I have to take time away from him to do it, he doesn't get annoyed or frustrated, at least not anymore then either of us do when we have to go to the classes we don't have with one another, or just do something alone."
She took a deep breath.
"I think that's part of the reason why I haven't told him as much as I sho--"
She cut off, meeting the doctor's gaze.
"As much as I think he deserves to know," Blake said correcting herself.
"I'm scared that if I share how fucked up my life is, there's a point where he'll just say that he can't deal with that, and the bubble will pop. I was fine with things before him, but now that I see how good things can be, with someone that genuinely cares about me, instead of how things were with me and my ex, and how things were between me and my mom, I don't want to go back to that. If this is a fantasyland, I never want to click my heels and go home."
The doctor nodded at the silently. Neither of them said anything for a moment, then the doctor smiled.
"Not all fantasy stories and with the main character going home, Blake. Sometimes they get to stay in that world, but only after they've done the hard part and fought the dragon."
Blake sighed.
"I think fighting the dragon would be easier for me right now."
A/N: Do you think Blake is being too hard on herself, or could the parts of her life we don't know about yet be too much? Also, I tried something different when writing this. Did you notice? If so, what do you think?
If you want to read ahead, read other stories of mine, or support my writing, make sure to check out my patreon! (https://www.patreon.com/taylorstorms)