Chapter 29 (trigger warning)
"Do I still want to have kids if I ever get married?" Pag-ulit ko sa tanong ni Liam. Tumingin ako sa malayo habang binubuo ang mga salita na sasagot sa katanungan niya.
I cleared my throat. "For now, I don't want to have kids... But I don't know if I will consider having one once I get married." Mahina akong natawa. "Ni hindi ko nga alam kung mabubuntis pa ako 'e."
I'm just so scared to experience losing a child. I was so ready to be a single mom. I'm alright raising my kid alone and showing him the best things in life that I couldn't have. I was waiting for him, but my waiting was over when it was reported to me that there's no heartbeat. It felt like my world just stopped moving 'cause I'm living for that child.
I pressed my lips together and bowed my head. "I just don't want to risk it again."
Liam placed his hand into mine that was lying on my lap. And without saying a word, I feel comforted and understood. It's like we could read each other's thoughts by only looking. We smiled and laughed afterwards because of how oblivious we were.
After eating outside, the kids started to familiarize themselves with the orphanage while some were playing already in their rooms. The adults were just in the living room, drinking coffee while the television was on. Beside me was Liam playing on his phone like he's an ipad kid. I don't even know what he's playing, but I could hear firing guns and he's serious.
Umupo si Camilla sa tabi ko at lumiyad palapit sa tenga ko. "Ano ng ganap sa inyo?" Tanong niya kaya awkward akong ngumiti. "You guys didn't even hesitate to hug each other intimately a while ago. Guess, something is already going on between you two."
Chismosa rin pala 'tong isang 'to.
Kumawala ang pilit na tawa sa bibig ko. "Hindi ko naman siguro kailangang sagutin 'yung tanong mo, ano?"
She tilted her head and agreed by nodding. "Yeah, I can conclude naman while looking at you guys."
Umalis ang atensyon niya sa akin at dumako ito sa television. Sumipsip naman ako ng kape at napunta kay Liam ang tingin. "Looking serious," sabi ko sa kanya habang pinapanood siyang maglaro sa phone niya.
When I talked, he exited playing his game and hid his phone in his pocket. My forehead creased. "Why did you stop?" I asked.
"Just bored," matipid niyang sagot kaya mas lalo akong naguluhan. I really can't predict him sometimes. Kanina lang ay ang seryoso niyang naglalaro tapos biglang sasabihin niyang bored siya.
"Gusto mo ng doughnut? Ikukuha kita," sumunod niyang sabi. Umiling ako kaagad. Nang makasagot ay tumayo na siya at dumiretso papuntang kusina para kumuha ng doughnut. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang makarating siya sa kusina.
My attention was just on him when suddenly an afternoon news came. My ears were listening, but I didn't bother looking at the screen. It was a light feeling, when suddenly my ears throbbed.
"Muli na namang nauungkat ang kaso ni Alexis Nuesco dahil sa usap-usapang makakalaya na raw ito."
I was feeling light, when suddenly my ears throbbed because of what the news said. That light feeling disappeared and turned into numbness when that name was mentioned. In the back of my mind, I was questioning if maybe I'm just hearing things or maybe I just misheard it, but that thought didn't convince me.
"Matatandaang inakusahan ito ng drink spiking, rape, at sexual assault na mariing tinanggi ni Alexis. Ngunit ito ay nakulong nang magdesisyon ang hukuman na ito'y nagkasala base sa mga ebidensyang hawak ng kanyang mga naging biktima."
Nagsimulang mabuo ang takot sa sistema ko. Kahit unti-unting namamanhid ang katawan ko ay nagawa ng mga mata kong sumilip sa telebisyon para kumpirmahin ang balita. Sa isip-isip ko ay pilit ko pang tinatanggi na mali lang ang narinig ko pero habang pinapakinggan ang nagbabalita ay nagsimula na akong manghinala.
When my eyes already shifted on the television, I was able to stop myself from denying after seeing it on the screen. My body started to shiver and felt like my energy was being sucked. I parted my lips to inhale some air, but it wasn't working. I felt suffocated as my eyes stayed still on the screen.
"Ngayon ay naging usap-usapan ang posible nitong paglaya. Hinihintay na lamang ang magiging panayam ng tagapagsalita ng pamilya ukol sa kumakalat na balita."
Nang ipakita nila ang litrato ni Alexis ay du'n na ako nawalan ng lakas na dahilan para mabitawan ko ang hawak kong tasa. Nabasag 'yun sa sahig na dahilan para maagaw ko ang atensyon nila.
Nalagay ko ang kamay ko sa dibdib ko at hinimas 'yun para maayos na dumaloy ang hininga ko ngunit wala, parang may harang ang daluyan ko. Nagsimulang namuo sa mga mata ko ang mga luhang matagal na 'di nagparamdam.
Hinawakan ni Camilla ang braso ko at nakita ko ang bibig niyang bumuka pero wala akong marinig, hindi ko masaulo ang mga sinasabi niya, parang akong nabingi. Mas lalong nanginig ang mga kamay ko, mas nangibabaw ang takot na nagbabalatkayo. Lahat ng nararamdaman ko... Lahat 'yun ay takot.
Kahit hinang-hina ay pinilit kong tumayo. Kumapit ako sa dulo ng sofa para suportahan ang sarili ko. Naglakad ako hanggang sa pinto at lumabas para ibalik ang sarili ko sa ulirat.
I was hyperventilating. Everything in my body was so numb and I felt so heavy inside that all I could do was cry. Fear surrounded my system, poisoning every strong part and my sanity. Just when I saw his face, everything came back in an instant.
Every painful memory flashed in my mind, which made my heart wrenched.
I didn't rape you, Miss Gallegos. You enjoyed being with me that night, right?
His voice echoed in my ears, which made it harder for me to breathe. Please... Just please stop.
"Sienna..." Hindi ko namalayan na sumunod sa akin si Liam. Nang makita siya ay doon na tumulo ang mga naipong luha sa pisngi ko.
"I-I can't breathe... Liam," I stuttered. I tried to collect the words from my head, but all I could think was what that man did to me. "I can't... I can't breathe, please!" I was crying in pain. I started hitting my chest hard just to kill the pain inside me.
"Sienna, stop," Liam said, but I didn't listen. Pounding my chest doesn't even help that I got frustrated even more while crying. It's getting more painful that I couldn't bear it anymore.
"W-What if he comes back? Paano kung hanapin niya ako? Anong gagawin ko?!" Nasapo ko ang noo ko. I can't keep myself sane knowing that man might be released from prison.
"Sienna, calm down—"
"I can't!" Nagulat si Liam sa pagsigaw ko. Hindi ko na magawang kontrolin ang emosyon ko dahil sa mga naalala ko. Kung paano ako pinagsamantalahan ng lalaki 'yun, kung paano niya idiin sa akin na ginusto ko ang nangyare at kung paano siya paniwalaan ng mga tao na inosente siya habang ako nagdurusa. Sobrang hindi makatarungan.
"I-It hurts..." Nabaon ko ang mukha ko sa mga palad ko at umiyak. "It's all in my head... It's all in my fucking head! Please just stop!" Hindi ko na napigilan na saktan ang sarili ko sa puntong 'yun. Panay ang pananakit ko sa ulo ko. Pananabunot, paghampas o kahit anong paraan ng pananakit para lang matanggal lang sa isipan ko ang mga masasamang alaalang naungkat.
I kept on hurting my head until Liam held my arm and hugged me. He caressed my back as I cried in his arms.
"It's alright... I'm here," bulong niya. Nang tumapat ang tenga ko sa dibdib niya ay 'yun ang nagsilbi kong gabay para manumbalik ang paghinga ko. Sinabayan ko ang paghinga niya. Malaki ang mga ginagawa kong paghigop kahit patuloy pa rin ako sa pagluha. Nanatili ang mga braso niyang nakapalibot sa akin hanggang sa ang naririnig na lang niya ay ang paghikbi ko.
Bakit ngayon pa 'to nangyare sa akin? Okay naman na lahat 'e, pero bakit kailangang muling masira? Bakit ngayon pa kung kailan unti-unti na akong nagiging okay?
Sa tuwing nagiging maayos na ako, du'n ipapaalala sa akin kung anong naging nakaraan ko. Gusto ko ng matahimik at makalimot pero sa mga ganitong pagkakataon para akong pinapatay. Lahat ng mga taong sangkot sa masamang alaala na 'yun ang nagdadala sa akin ng kakaibang sakit... Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay pinaglalaruan ako.
"What happened to her?" Tanong kaagad ni Aliyah nang makarating kami sa bahay. Inayos ni Liam ang jacket niyang nakapatong sa balikat ko at nang magtama ang tingin namin ay simple itong ngumiti sa akin.
"Anong nangyare?" Pag-ulit ni Aliyah at ngayon ay may halong diin na sa boses niya.
Liam was about to answer her question, but I quickly butt in. "Let's just talk about it tomorrow. Huwag mo nang tanungin si Liam."
Aliyah wasn't convinced that she was being left out about the situation, but I forced myself to smile at her to give her assurance. I'm just too tired to explain what happened and I don't want Liam to tell it to her.
"I'm going to tell you tomorrow. Don't worry," I assured her.
I just want to rest, but I think that's impossible. I guess I'm going to have nightmares or probably I'll overthink, making it hard for me to go to bed. But this time, I just want to be alone, just myself.
"Akyat na ako. Pagod ako," paalam ko sa kanila at tumuloy na sa pag-akyat sa hagdan. Alam kong sinusundan ako ng mga tingin nila pero hindi ko na binaling ang atensyon sa kanila at dumiretso na lang sa kwarto.
When I came into my room, instead of going directly to bed, I sat on the floor and let my body lay down on the cold wooden floor. My eyes were only on the ceiling as I drowned myself with my thoughts.
I kept having deep sighs every time a memory flashes into my mind. Why am I even torturing myself like this? Now, Why do I keep reminiscing those memories that I have kept ten feet on the ground? Why all of a sudden?
Pinatong ko ang braso ko sa mga mata ko at muling nagpakawala nang malalim na hininga.
I hate this! It feels like I'm back on the start again, trying to assemble a shattered soul again. Why do things need to be hard for me? All I want is to be okay. I just want to be happy, that's all.
Paano kung 'yung mga taong nasa nakaraan ko at nanakit sa akin ay unti-unting bumalik? Kakayanin ko ba? Hindi ko alam... Walang kasiguraduhan pero base sa reaksyon ko kanina parang imposibleng hindi ako magkaroon ng pakialam.
Sabi nila nag-iiwan ang mga tao ng mga alaalang puwede makapag-pasaya o magbigay ng sakit sa'yo. 'Yung mga taong 'yun, wala silang mabibigay kung 'di sakit at takot. Kapag hinayaan ko ay baka pati mga mahal ko masaktan ko na rin at isa-isa silang mawala sa akin.
Ilang minuto akong tahimik pero 'yung isipan ko ang ingay. Kahit subukan kong huwag isipin, wala... Para na silang nagbubuhol sa isipan ko. Nakahiga lang ako sa sahig nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. Hindi ako nag-atubiling bigyan ng pansin 'yun.
"Aliyah, hayaan mo muna ako," sabi ko at nakatakip pa rin ang braso ko sa mga mata ko. Natanggal ko lang 'yun nang iba ang nagsalita.
"Malamig diyan. Hindi ka makakapagpahinga nang maayos." Si Liam. Nang dumako sa kanya ang tingin ko ay naka-krus ang dalawang braso niya at nakasandal sa gilid ng pintuan.
"I thought you left already." I was confused as to why he's still here. May pasok pa siya bukas pero andito pa rin siya.
"I don't have the courage to leave you," he remarked while his eyes were staring at me softly.
Those words made my heart skip a beat that I wasn't able to hide my smile. How can I even resist this man?
"You should go home. I'm going to be fine," usal ko pero sa tingin ko ay bigo akong makumbinsi siya. Sa tigas ba naman ng ulo niya, hindi siya susunod kung anumang sabihin ko pagdating sa mga ganitong sitwasyon.
"Diyan ka talaga hihiga?" Tanong niya sa akin na dahilan para kumawala ang mahinang tawa sa bibig ko.
"Ayoko sa kama. I prefer the cold wooden floor for now," I replied and without talking, he went inside the room and lay down beside me. I didn't ask why. I just let him do what he wants.
We both lay down on the cold and hard wooden floor while staring at the ceiling. I kind of liked that he didn't force me to transfer to my bed and just accompanied me on what I wanted.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled without looking at him.
"For what?" There's confusion in his voice.
"About a while ago... I'm sorry you have to see me like that." A sudden embarrassment rushed onto me as I remembered what I was like a while ago. I think it was the first time he saw me like that as if I'm out of control.
"You don't apologize for being hurt and scared, Sienna."
I took his words seriously and I didn't even notice that our conversation stopped. My mind was so crowded and loud that I didn't realize that he's here beside me. There was a deafening silence, but he didn't complain. He must be waiting for me to talk things through.
"Kung mawalan man ako ng kontrol, kailangan mong lumayo, Liam."
"What do you mean?" He questioned.
"If I'm out of control, I might hurt the people I love," I answered. This might be hard for him, but I have to set boundaries. Nakakalungkot man pero kailangan kong gawin dahil hindi ko alam ang magagawa ko sa tuwing wala akong kontrol sa sarili ko.
"Liam, you have to listen this time. Seryoso ako." Tumingin ako sa kanya, umaasang makukumbinsi ko siya. Sana makinig siya sa akin at huwag maging matigas ang ulo.
He scoffed. "You know I can't do that."
"Please, Liam. I'm only asking this time—"
"Sienna," kalmadong tawag niya sa pangalan ko at tumingin na rin sa akin. "Kahit saktan mo man ako, babalik at babalik ako sa 'yo." Rinig na rinig ko ang sinseridad sa boses niya na dahilan para lumambot ang puso ko.
"Maging totoo ka sa akin, walang kaso 'yun. Masaktan mo man ako sa pagiging totoo mo sa akin, balewala 'yun." Hinawakan niya nang mahigpit ang kamay ko. "You can be true to me, Sienna. Hindi naman ako aalis... Lagi naman akong nasa tabi mo."
I've never heard so much sincerity for a long time.
Habang nakatingin sa kanya ay mas lalo akong nanlambot. Lumunok ako nang maramdaman ang unti-unting pamumuo ng mga luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko. Naluluha ako sa pagiging sinseridad niya at ngayon na lang yata ako nakarinig nang gano'n.
Mahina akong bumungisngis para matakpan ang pagiging emosyonal ko. "Bakit ka ba ganyan sa akin?" Tanong ko.
"Mahal kita 'e..." His nose scrunched and saw his ears slowly getting red, probably because he's starting to feel shy. Then, he sighed. "Let's just stay like this."
My smile didn't disappear even when I'm already staring at the ceiling again. Our hands stayed intertwined and we talked and talked until I already felt sleepy. I thought I would have a hard time sleeping, but him beside me made a difference.
God, I hope it's him already. I love him so much.
Y A S S Y N O T E S