Featured Lyrics:
I was fine for a while, I was fine on my own
Maybe it was denial, maybe I was wrong
I was fine doing dishes with my headphones on
Now whenever I listen I hear you in every song
Maybe it was runners high, maybe I was just lying
'Cause the memories make noise in the corner I avoid
'Til someone turns a light on, until I have no choice
I pretended I was brave, minimizing all the pain
And in trying to run away, I think I just delayed it
Well you were mine for a while, so it takes time to adjust
But I just let it all pile 'til I was completely crushed
Like the hare and the tortoise, took its time to catch up
Now I'm losing my focus and grieving the loss of us
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
C/W: Discussions of alcohol abuse and addiction.
A/N: Let us be gracious to those who are struggling with addiction. It is a REAL and complex issue. It should be taken seriously and is not meant to be taken lightly in and out of the context of this story.
"Well, sweetie, I hope you're doing well in Marley," Carla's voice said through the cell phone, bringing you back from the mist that was forming in your eyes.
You felt your lips shaking at the words you barely managed to say. Eren's lips were trembling all the same, almost as if he wanted you to say them again, almost as if he wanted to say them himself.
"I hope to see you once more before you go back," Carla said, once again bringing you back to reality.
As you stood there, pressing the phone to your ear, you found it difficult to understand what was real. You snapped closed the phone and handed it back to Eren. It felt as if you were floating, living in a fantasy for just a moment. It was almost serendipitous, blissful, and dream-like. You could even feel your fingertips that placed the cell phone in his hands brush against a palm that had been calloused beyond what you remembered.
It had been so long since you were alone with your best friend and yet there was nothing you could say. Words that you had wanted to share since that last night together had faded away over the years, almost as if they weren't important enough anyways.
Your hand lingered in his palm still, treasuring the feeling of Eren's skin. You still recognized the slightly tanned skin on the back of his hand, the bump on his thumb from when he broke it in elementary school, and even the small mole that rested between his ring finger and middle finger.
"Y/N..." he whispered like he was trying to make this time with you as secretive as possible. "I'm still so sorry about-"
You held your free hand up to stop him. "If it's about the voicemail, it's okay. I haven't heard it yet."
You could see his eyebrows raising, even in the shadow of the moonlight. You remembered his long, shaggy hair that always seemed to cover his face. Now that he had it tied in the back, there was nothing that could prevent you from admiring just how much he had grown. It reminded you of Thanksgiving, of when you tied it back for him as he hovered above you to make love.
You shook your head internally, cursing your mind for bringing you there.
"Actually, I wanted to apologize for Thanksgiving," he said, oblivious to your attempts at forgetting that night. You realized that many of the memories that were cursing and plaguing you must have been floating through Eren's mind as well. "I know I treated you terribly that night."
You wondered if he had truly held onto that burden over the years. You knew that you had forgiven him all on your own. You had tried to move on, Colt was one of the main sources of healing.
"It's okay, Eren, you were being truthful and I was being immature," you began, finally saying the words you had harboured in your heart as you learned to live life without your best friend. "All I wanted was to be with you, but I couldn't see that it would never work out like that. You knew that."
Eren's eyes were half-lidded as they sadly looked to the ground. You felt like you were putting words in his mouth, making assumptions that you had told yourself were true all this time.
"It's what I needed at the time, to grow up. Right?" As you dug deeper into the subconscious of your mind, you found bitterness and scorn. Wounds that manifested into fuel propelled you to keep moving forward. "You told me to let you go. And I did." You could feel yourself choking up as if your voice didn't want you to say those last few words.
You could see that Eren's eyebrows were knitted together tightly as he regained the courage to look at you again. "It seems like you have it all figured out now," he stated plainly. As you grew up together, you always saw Eren as someone who was always a step ahead of you. It seemed like he could predict the future. He struggled to lift the corners of his lip as he began to blink rapidly. "I'm happy for you." Eren's fingers began to circle around your fingers. You could practically read the conflict in his eyes.
You found yourself feeling incredibly raw and open. There were things that you had hidden that you had yet to come to terms with. Somehow, Eren's presence made you remember everything.
"You know, I was so broken after you." The words you spoke stung in Eren's chest like a spear. "You were everything to me, even if you were busy or gone or just straight up avoiding me, I still would have loved you the same."
Eren's head hung low, in shame and in regret and in resolve. "I know."
You swore you could hear the same levels of deadpan in his voice that you found in his mother.
He continued as you did your best to grasp any amount of air for your suffocating lungs. "I couldn't let you love me anymore because I didn't want you to ruin your life by staying with me." Eren's grip around your hand was tighter now. "I think if we had tried to salvage what we had when you moved, the both of us would have ruined everything. Shit like that happens all the time."
You thought deeply for a moment as he paused. There were parts of what he said that still resonated a little too true. You had seen it before in other relationships. Zeke always mentioned how much he wondered what life would be like if he wasn't still with Pieck. Your own mother stuck with your father for years just for the sake of being together for the family. You even saw it with Jean and Mikasa when they failed to hide their codependent tendencies.
You wanted to scream out to him, to tell him that your relationship was different than all the rest.
Knowing just how hard it was for you to maintain any connection with your friends in Shiganshina as you attended university in Marley, it was hard to tell if that was true. After all, it was due to Eren breaking your heart the second time that you cut everyone off.
Despite it all, you still loved Eren as a friend. He would always be so much of your life. And at least when good friends drift apart, they'll always return as if nothing had ever changed. Maybe that's why your stomach churned at the thought of him, at the idea of losing someone so precious.
You smiled up at Eren, finding some semblance of peace in your heart, of the affirmation that he was and always will be there for you.
Eren returned the smile, and you knew without words that you were finally on the same page.
"Do you remember when you told me you weren't graduating high school?" you asked, finally breaking the silence. Eren nodded in response, curiously cocking his head to the side for you to continue. "You told me that if you stayed behind, it was for the best."
"Hmm, yeah, I do remember that. You were so sad," he teased, poking you in the arm.
Rolling your eyes, you poked him right back. "And right before we broke up, it seemed like you were already distancing yourself from me."
Eren's jaw opened in quick opposition to hopefully defend himself. When the words didn't come out, he shut his mouth tightly.
"You always knew, didn't you? That I would come back, that we would still find each other like this." You paused thoughtfully for a moment, summarizing everything you knew to be true. "Why? How can you still wait for me after all this time? I won't lie...I really thought I lost you, Eren."
He didn't even hesitate like he had held the answer for his whole life. "Because we're best friends, Y/N. Somehow you still want a failure like me in your life, even after everything." Eren reached out and unceremoniously wrapped his arms around your shoulders, causing your face to be smooshed up against him. Just like riding an old bicycle, you wrapped your arms around Eren's waist and allowed yourself to melt into him. As you held each other, he whispered, "It's gonna take a lot more than a ferry ride and five years to tear us apart. I've told you that before."
You could feel sparks flying all around you. It was a feeling you hadn't felt in years, a sight that you thought had faded away forever.
"By the way," you said, bending away to look at Eren's face with a smirk of mischief. "That 'I love you, too.' was for your mom. Not you."
Eren narrowed his eyes at you, and you couldn't tell if he was able to read if you were lying or not. Truth be told, you weren't sure if you were lying or not either.
Regardless, he laughed, going along with your joking. "Of course. I already knew that."
Eighteen Years Ago
"Okay, Kinders, it's time to clean up our stations and head to the carpet for story time!" your teacher called out to you and your fellow playmates at the giant Lego station. Your first teacher in school was sweet and kind and always smelt like hand soap. She had lovely dark hair that swooped to the side in a ponytail and soft eyes that smiled at you every morning.
It was only your first week of kindergarten and at first, you were having a hard time leaving your parent's side. It was only a few days ago that you were clinging to your dad's knees, hiding behind them in fear.
You didn't realize it at the time, but he did his best to bend down to comfort you despite you locking his knees straight. You remember him turning to your mom and saying, "Hon, get your kid to let go of me."
Somewhere in your five-year-old mind, hearing him say that made you want to let go even less.
Your mother knelt and placed a hand on your tiny arm. "Y/N, it's time to go to school now. There's nothing to be worried about." You watched as she looked up at your dad from below with furrowed brows. Not even hiding her voice she told him, "I don't know...the doctor said that she was going to be like this."
You didn't like the secrets your parents were sharing, especially if they were about you. It made you all the more scared to go into the giant new building.
"What's going on, here?" a sweet voice that sang like bells asked. You looked up from where you gripped your dad's jeans to find Miss Carla and her son walking hand-in-hand. "Y/N? Are you a little worried about going somewhere new?"
You had always seen Miss Carla on Wednesday nights when you and your mother would visit their home. There were other nice-but loud-aunties who always fed you too much food and made your mother laugh like never before. At first, you found them scary too but found yourself finding them less scary with the help of Miss Carla's son, Eren.
He always had a slightly furrowed brow and a crooked scowl on his face. You could never tell if he was really upset or if he was thinking really hard about something. When you looked at him from behind your dad's jeans, his usual frown was replaced with the same tender look Miss Carla was giving you.
"It's ok if it is scary," he told you. "I'll be there too."
Even at a young age, you realized that Eren was always everywhere with you. He reached out his free hand for you to grab and it didn't even take you one second to replace your iron grip on your dad with his soft palm.
"Let's head inside to meet the class!" Before fully turning away, you heard Miss Carla whisper to your parents. "I've got it from here. I know you two have work."
You remember walking with Miss Carla and Eren to greet the other students. She even let you sit together at the big table where three other children sat with you. Even before you had a chance to meet anyone new, Eren was already by your side. Every day in school and every Wednesday at Miss Carla's home, you were with each other.
You remember hearing stories of visiting Miss Carla in the hospital when her son was born. Granted, you were only a few weeks old then. Still, even from birth, Eren had known you his whole life. The pictures of the two of you swaddled in cloth were proof of that.
Now as he sat next to you on the carpet at Miss Carla's feet, you scooted closer so your knees were touching.
You listened intently as Miss Carla read a story about ways we can help others and how we can show we are grateful. "What can we say when someone does nice things for us?" she asked the class with a curious tone.
You looked around the carpet at the quizzical looks on your fellow classmates' faces.
One young girl with long, raven black hair raised her hand.
"Yes, Mikasa?" Miss Carla said, inviting her to speak.
"Thank you..." was what Mikasa muttered. She sat on the other side of you at the big table and at recess she would ask to play with you. Somehow meeting her didn't feel scary at all.
"That's right! You can say thank you. Well done," Miss Carla praised.
Suddenly hands began to shoot up across the carpet in hopes to answer in a way that would garner praise from the teacher.
After a few more answers from the young students, Miss Carla told them, "There is one way to show we are grateful to our very close family and friends. But only use it if you really mean it." She paused to add anticipation. "You can say, 'I love you.' to someone you are very close to. Does your family at home tell you that? Have you ever told a close friend that?"
The kindergarteners murmured in thought and you considered when you had heard those words. You couldn't remember a time when your parents said that to each other and they seemed like the best of friends. Sure, they had said it to you, but that still felt different somehow.
In the afternoon, you waited at the park outside of the classroom with Eren. It was the end of the school day and like any other day, Miss Carla was going to walk you home.
"Are you two ready?" she asked, holding out both of her hands. You and Eren grabbed one each. After school was your favourite time because it meant you were allowed to go over to your best friend's house until your mom picked you up.
You played all over the house together, hiding in the basement where Eren's older brother played loud music or upstairs in his room where he kept all his action figures. You played every day until falling asleep on the floor together.
There was no telling how long it was until your mom was knocking on Eren's bedroom door. "Y/N? It's time to go home now."
As you stood at the front door, you watched as your mother thanked Miss Carla over and over. Every day she expressed her gratitude. Being with Eren made you feel the same. It made you want to make sure he knew it.
Before walking away, you looked at the young boy and smiled. "I love you, Eren."
The blush all over Eren's face was enough to paint the sky's sunset. He stood there with widened eyes. "I-I-..." he stammered, looking between you and his mom.
"It's okay, sweetie. You don't have to say it back if you're not comfortable," Carla said with an amused snicker.
Eren huffed and composed himself. "I knew that," he grumbled, looking down at his feet.
You weren't sure how to respond to his reaction, but somehow it made sense for who you knew Eren to be. Pleased, you grinned and walked away with your mother, excited for when you could see him again.
Present Day
Almost as if a cruel joke had been played on you, you felt the veil of twilight shattering all around you. The sounds of the restaurant door swinging open and the wedding party loudly exiting caused you to instinctively jump out of Eren's arms. It felt like a harder task than usual.
You could see that Jean was surprised to see you as he walked up to the both of you with his arms wide open. "Y/N! Eren! There you two are." You were suddenly enraptured again, as Jean whispered seriously in your ear. "Will you be okay going back to your hotel?"
You gasped, trying to back up to match Jean's serious tone of voice with his face. With as few words as possible and at the sound of Colt's loud stumbling out of the restaurant, you immediately got the hint. It was an uncomfortable situation you had been in before.
Placing your hands on Jean's shoulder to push him away, you stepped back from the two men. "Thanks for the great night. Can't wait for the wedding tomorrow!" Not answering the question posed, you walked up to Colt and slung his arm over your shoulder. He was mumbling, leaning his whole weight on you.
Flipping your cell phone open, you began to dial a number for a taxi. You walked past Nicolo and Sasha who were waiting by their car, watching you in confusion.
"Don't worry about us, guys. We've all got an early morning so you don't have to drive us," you said waving them off.
You could practically feel the lasers burning against your back as you dragged your boyfriend away from the crowd. It seemed like you were getting better at it every time.
"Y/N..." Colt groaned as you sat him down on a bench where the taxi would come and pick you both up. He leaned his head against your shoulder and you could feel his breathing already begin to deepen.
You tried to play it off as neutrally as possible, feeling yourself internally seething. "Colt...you promised."
"I know..." he hiccuped. He sounded so deflated. "...But what else can I do?"
You held your head down and rubbed his back in the way you knew he loved. Scared of being selfish, you had always settled for less, belittling everything you knew about yourself to become a version that would match the ideals of the man you were currently dating. On one hand, you knew what it felt like to love unapologetically. On the other hand, the sting of disappointment was almost doubly detrimental.
At the time, loving and forgiving yourself in this way healed you. Through simply being with Colt, it made you look outside yourself, to be considerate of the lives of others. That was something you never gave Eren, despite knowing him so well.
Back then, you didn't know how to answer when Colt asked you this question. 'It's just a part of his personality...This is what he does for fun...He just can't help it..." Statements of defence for something you didn't even fully believe in.
Now, as the rubbing on his back stopped, you sighed, "You need to do more, Colt. A lot more."
The rest of the taxi ride was silent. Even the elevator ride and the long walk down the hallway to your room were painfully quiet.
Colt immediately sat on the edge of the bed, looking remorseful and undone. "I'm sorry..." he muttered, hanging his head low.
You crossed your arms and stood in front of him with a wash of disappointment across your eyes. You didn't even have the energy to be mad. If past experiences had told you anything, getting mad got the both of you nowhere.
When you didn't respond, he looked up at you. "I didn't even drink that much...it's just that I saw you too out there."
Your disappointed gaze turned into a scowl as he tried to justify himself. "That has nothing to do with the way you've been acting. This is the second day in a row someone has had to drag your drunk ass. It's different when we're back home. Those people know how to deal with you. Here, these people are my friends, Colt. You don't have to keep embarrassing me like this."
You could tell that his mind was a swirling storm, avoiding the things he wanted to say out loud to you. The scowling on your face turned to soften as he slumped his shoulders. There was no one else in the world that was more upset with Colt than himself.
You knelt in front of him, between his knees to rest your head on his lap. Feeling his hands immediately begin to stroke your hair in a comforting rhythm, you told him, "I just feel like you've only shown the worst side of yourself, especially after you've made so much progress, after you've worked so hard. They don't get to see what I love about you."
Despite how much your heart was aching, his touch still reminded you of the excitement of falling in love again. You felt indebted to Colt, for giving you an opportunity for a new beginning. It was only natural for you to cling to him, to help him find that fresh start for himself.
You lifted your head to see that he had been crying. The sight made you tear up, seeing him regress in this way. "If I trust you to keep your promise to control yourself, then please trust in me too."
Colt was never much for words, but the kiss he gave you tasted like salt. It didn't comfort you in the way you needed, stinging the open wound in your chest that you never managed to close.
Somehow, being back in your hometown brought you more clarity in a way you never realized you needed. For every ounce of reconciliation with your friends, there was a gallon of brain fog that obscured your vision of what the future might look like.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You stood in the hotel's lobby, waiting for Sasha to swing by to pick you up so you could head to Jean's childhood home where the rest of the wedding party was getting ready. Your eyes felt tired from the events that transpired after returning back from the hotel.
After both you and Colt spent a few moments trying to kiss the pain away, you tumbled underneath him between the sheets and desperate sighs. Despite how deep he bore into you, no matter how many inches of skin you shared, you had never felt someone's presence drift so far away.
When you slipped into the passenger side of Sasha's car, you smiled at her widely to hide the puffiness in your eyes. It was getting scary how easy deception was for you.
When Sasha asked you, "How was getting to the hotel last night?"
You responded, "Not too bad! We were so tired when we got back."
And when Sasha commented, "Colt was pretty sloshed, hey?"
You automatically deflected, "Yeah, he usually only drinks at events or parties now."
It was like clockwork, a routine, of answering as shallowly as possible in a way that wouldn't garner any more questions. You looked out your window to avoid making any eye contact for fear of revealing the storm in your mind.
It wasn't much longer until you both arrived at Jean's house where multiple vehicles were parked on the boulevard, including that shitty pickup truck.
When you walked in, the energy was buzzing with busy excitement as Mikasa and Hitch were getting ready in the living room. The blushing bride greeted you with a bright smile as a hairstylist sprayed product around her head.
"Mika, you look beautiful!" you said, giving her an emotional smile. She got out of her chair to hug you.
"Thank you, I seriously can't believe it's happening!" Mikasa began to guide you towards the chair so you could sit down. "Let me do your makeup, just like how we used to."
You tried to resist, "No! You really don't have to-"
She shook her head, "Please, I really want to." Mikasa already began to pick up some brushes to apply creams and foundation to your skin. You sat with your eyes closed, finding yourself relaxing at the delicate way she painted you. "It's been a while since it was just the two of us."
Even though there was the hustle and bustle of all the wedding staff preparing final arrangements around the house, the sounds around you faded. Sitting down across from Mikasa the way you used to on your bedroom floor allowed you to release a breath you didn't realize you were holding.
"Me and Jean are planning on moving away from our apartment in the city back in Shiganshina," she casually mentioned. "Hey, keep your eyes closed."
"Are you moving back home?" you asked as Mikasa used a large fluffy brush against the apples of your cheeks.
"No, we're gonna buy our own house. Maybe near the same neighbourhood, we all grew up in." Mikasa paused and you opened your eyes to make contact with hers. "Maybe start a family soon."
You took in a gasp, trying not to bring any unwarranted attention. "Really? Mika...that's incredible." Placing your hand on hers, you said, "I wonder what your kids are gonna look like."
You had to admit, seeing the pace in which Mikasa and Jean's relationship progressed made you question your values. The thought of marriage barely crossed your mind, let alone the possibility of children. You still felt like you had much more growing up to do yourself.
"I'm not sure, but I hope they grow up to have a good friend like you." Mikasa giggled and stood up, brushing the powders that fell on her white robe. "I'm gonna go get in my dress now. You and the others can start getting dressed too." Her comment struck you in the heart, but the rapid pace at which she exited left you in a sentimental mood.
You walked over to the kitchen where a rack of dresses resided. Picking up the garment bag that had your name on it, you stepped into the bathroom to try it on. It was your first time seeing your face and you were still enamoured by the way Mikasa was able to create a look that complimented your features.
The dress was a deep red that complimented the autumn leaves that were on the trees and all over the grass. Mikasa allowed each of her bridesmaids to choose a fit that suited them best. You pulled the bodice of the dress up to your torso, finding it difficult to zip yourself up. You figured Sasha could give you a hand as you stepped out of the bathroom, holding the fabric up to your chest.
Immediately upon opening the door, you were met with the sight of Eren in his suit. His tie matched the colour of your dress and was loose around his neck. His hair was still tied back in a neat bun, exposing the tightening of his jaw upon seeing you.
He stuttered your name, blinking to hide the fact that he was checking you out. "O-oh! Sorry, I...I just have to piss," he blurted.
You blew a raspberry between your lips before bursting into a laugh that he eventually joined you on. When you had a moment to breathe, you shuffled past him.
Before you got too far, he called out to you. "Want me to zip you up?"
You froze in your spot, realizing that you were showing him your exposed back all the way down to the very top of your bottom. You didn't look back at him, but you could hear him walking on the carpet closer to you. When you gave him a small nod, Eren reached down and pinched the tiny zipper. As he dragged it up your back, sealing you in, you could feel your nerves dancing along the same path. At the very top, there was a small clasp that he carefully connected.
You turned and awkwardly avoided looking into his eyes and instead opted for his loose tie. "Thank you...want me to fix your tie?"
"Um, sure..." he said with a gulp.
You raised your hands, focusing your gaze on his chest. As you folded and knotted the tie, you were suddenly reminded of standing in your childhood bedroom as a thin metal chain draped around your neck that held a tiny emerald. You thought of rolling the windows down and taking a sudden turn off the highway to ditch your graduation dance to sway on the beach with your best friend.
You gave the tie a final tug close to his neck before using your fingers to press it flat against the middle of his chest. The beating in Eren's chest and the rapid rise and fall of his lungs were not unknown to you. You could no longer resist looking at him as your eyes traced up the tie, to his chin, his lips, and his nose.
"There...now you look handsome," you said, trying to pull off a joke to break the tension.
"You are so lovely."
There was nothing you could say in response to Eren, you just allowed the heat in your cheeks to deepen. You were thankful that Sasha came around the corner to call you back to the living room and that Connie appeared to bring Eren back to the garage. The two halves of the wedding party were arriving separately at the park and the men were just about ready to head out.
Connie and Eren exited through the door that connected the house to the garage and you followed Sasha back into the living room. Although you were turning in the opposite direction, you glanced back at Eren who was already watching you leave.
Both you and Sasha joined Hitch on the couch to await Mikasa's entrance in her wedding gown. Mikasa came around the corner, you found yourself tearing up already at the sight of her glowing presence.
As she said before, Mikasa's dress was simpler than the ones she cut out of the wedding magazines from when you were kids. But in the shape of the skirt and the embellishments were all the little hints that her tastes hadn't changed that much.
You were the first to stand. "Holy shit, Jean is so lucky," you said, grabbing her outstretched hands.
The blush on Mikasa's cheeks deepened at your compliment as she squeezed your hands, "Alright, it's time to get married!"
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
After the ceremony, you gathered with the others at the reception venue. It was being held at a hall that was close enough to the park that it was still in the suburbs. There was a table only large enough for the newly married couple with several round tables surrounding the dance floor.
Arriving arm in arm with Colt, you scanned the table assignments to find your names. You slightly cringed at the sight of seeing Eren's name under the same list. You still hadn't fully addressed the hostility you felt between the two men. In fact, you had yet to see them have a conversation with one another.
Colt spoke first. "Looks like we're at table two with...um...with everyone."
You couldn't tell what the nature of his reaction was. You hadn't been alone with Colt since that morning when you had left to get ready. From what you could tell as you walked past him during the ceremony, he seemed just as drained as you were. You knew that the both of you were running on fumes after spending the night trying to wrap bandages around broken bones.
Despite that, he smelt clean and fresh and without a single drop of alcohol, just like he promised.
When you arrived at your table, you saw that there was enough for the wedding party, plus two extras, to fit perfectly around. You glanced in the order in which everyone was sat, starting with Sasha, Nicolo, Marco, Connie, Eren, and Hitch. That left you with two available chairs and an awkward amount of distance between the two men you were less than ready to see interact.
Colt pulled the seat next to Sasha out for you, obviously ignoring the looks that we're coming from the other side of the table. When you sat down, the incredibly awkward hush in conversation made you feel like your arrival had ruined a moment.
Colt unbuttoned his suit jacket before sitting between you and Hitch. The way he squared his shoulders towards you acted like a wall that blocked you from seeing who sat on the other side of her.
The tension in the air felt so thick that you kept your head down as the meals were brought out and as the wine continued to be served.
After a few moments of settling at the table, you turned inwards toward Sasha to shake her hand. You had won the bet on whether or not Jean was going to cry as Mikasa walked down the aisle, you wanted to gloat just a little just to lighten up the mood.
"I'm looking forward to cashing in that free meal from you at some point," you teased as you laughed with each other.
Sasha billowed over, "Well, next time you're in Dauper stop by our hotel and I'll hook you up. Seriously, I feel like I owe you at least thirty drinks from how much he cried."
Nicolo chimed in, "Yeah, you both should come visit us. Take some time in the mountains. When was the last time either of you had gone on vacation?"
As you placed a hand on Colt's lap, he draped his arm on the back of your chair. Colt replied to them, "I don't think we've ever gone on a trip. We both started our careers right after graduation. This is our first time leaving Marley since we started dating."
"You guys should go to the gondola," a deep voice from behind Colt stated. You glazed past the wall that was his shoulders to see Eren taking large gulps from his water. Placing the glass strongly on the table, he spoke again. "It's beautiful up there."
Your eyes wavered, watching the two men make eye contact for a split second. No words were spoken, but the way Colt's muscles tensed under your touch made you pull your hand away from his lap.
Eren's eyes darted past Colt to look at you. He had a subtle, cocky look in his eyes. "Isn't it, Y/N?"
Your expression hardened as you shook your head at Eren. He was poking at your carefully crafted tower, hoping that there was one last brick that would make everything you had built fall. He gave himself an amused chuckle and folded his napkin before tossing it on the table.
"Sash, let's head to the front," Eren said standing up. He filled his glass with another splash of water. "I think they're starting speeches soon."
"Oh! You're right!" Sasha exclaimed, forking one last bite into her mouth. Picking up her glass of wine, the two of them walked toward the center table where an emcee stood with a microphone in the spotlight.
All the attention in the room turned toward the front as the emcee announced, "Good evening everyone! We are going to continue this beautiful celebration of true love with a few special words."
The emcee passed the microphone to Sasha who began her speech about Mikasa and Jean's past. She spoke about moving to Shiganshina halfway through second grade to attend a school. After being mostly homeschooled on the farm, she worried about making friends. It warmed your heart to hear the impact you and Mikasa had sharing snacks with her at recess.
Colt leaned in behind you and whispered in your ear, "That sounds just like something you'd do." He rested his chin on your shoulder and you thanked him for his compliment by tilting your head against his.
Sasha continued to share about watching Jean's very obvious crush develop throughout high school, garnering a laugh from the crowd. She spoke on the hardships they faced upon learning how to live together, how to communicate, and how to take care of others while taking care of themselves. She even shared how Mikasa and Jean were always there for her, despite them living in the city and her living on the farm.
You couldn't deny the pang of guilt that shot through you. It seemed like the actual distance separating people didn't have to be the reason to break relationships. You had chosen to build walls rather than bridges because it seemed like the easier thing at the time.
"Thank you for letting me be a part of this beautiful day, you beautiful people," Sasha said, raising her glass. "To Mikasa and Jean!"
You reached for your wine, pausing to see that Colt was reaching for his untouched glass. You smiled at him, he seemed to be holding himself together just fine. Hopefully, he would take your warnings last night seriously. "In moderation, okay?" you said, eyeing the wine glass. "I'm trusting you."
Colt nodded wholeheartedly and raised his glass to clink with yours before taking a small sip.
You watched as Mikasa and Jean stood from the table to hug their friend. Wiping her tears, Sasha stood to the side and passed the microphone to Eren who you could see was a little nervous. He took in a deep breath as he stepped forward.
Eren began his speech with, "The first time I ever met Jean and Mikasa was in kindergarten. We sat together at a big table where we shared crayons and glue and even my best friend. We shared playtime and naptime, and sometimes - when Jean cleaned his room - even hometime."
"Jean wears his heart on his sleeve, you will always know what the guy is thinking or feeling. In fact, I knew that Jean had a crush on Mikasa even before high school - it started when we went to summer camp when we were thirteen. Somehow, he was better at hiding it as a pre-teen than he was in our senior year. I'm glad you kept looking her way, Jean because Mikasa is someone who deserves to smile the way you make her. I've seen the way she takes care of people."
As you listened to Eren's words, remembering all the same memories he shared, you felt yourself breathing again. Although he mostly addressed the general crowd, by the end of his last sentence, he was looking toward you. It made you realize that because Mikasa still cared, you were able to reconnect with those broken bridges and begin a deeper kind of healing.
Eren continued, "When I think of love, I think of friendship and patience and most of all forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and for the one you love the most. For the way you feel, for being able to advocate for the things you need in a relationship. I had spent the last five years of my life unable to do that for myself. Seeing Jean and Mikasa today, the reason we have all gathered together, I can only thank them for reminding me that I can feel that way again just by being my friend."
Eren raised his glass of water and held it up high, prompting all the guests to do the same. You didn't realize the softened expression that was glazed across your eyes as you watched Eren speak. You remembered the difficult way he spoke his mind when you dated, how he would be stuck in his mind as you were unable to reach him.
Now, as you raised your glass the aching in your chest turned back into butterflies. You had always known that he was capable of the love he yearned for.
"It could take a whole lifetime to experience the love they share and it warms my heart to know that they'll never have to wait." Eren cheered, "To Jean and Mikasa!
At the clear tone of Colt's glass clinking against yours, all the sounds around you faded once again. All movement slowed down as you stared across the dancefloor at your best friend. The sparks between you grew to an almost blinding level, but regardless you stayed staring. The look in his eyes told you everything. The 'maybe' Mikasa planted in your mind bloomed into an overwhelming garden that smelt like daisies and lavender.
They told you, 'I'm still waiting.'
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
Congrats to Mikasa and Jean <3 <3 <3 - I always painted their relationship as a foil to Eren and Y/N's friends to lovers trope. They are the ideal situation where they had struggles, but it all works out easily in the end. Y/N really be like "god i wish that were me"
(But that's too easy, that's why this story isn't about them LMAO T_T)
Also - the way my chest was hurting the entire time I wrote this chapter - wahhh! I hope you enjoyed it, there was a LOT to unpack, even a big flashback from kindergarten! (Miss Carla!! T_T) Lot's of references from previous chapters. Let me know your thoughts! What do you think of Eren's apology? Of Colt's current struggles?? Of Y/N's complicated relationship with both men???
Same warning as above: In regards to Colt's alcohol abuse, let us be gracious to those who are struggling with addiction. It is a REAL and complex issue. It should be taken seriously and is not meant to be taken lightly in and out of the context of this story. This topic will be revisited again in the future.
This is one of the most heartbreaking songs. An oldie, but an absolutely beautiful one. I think it speaks to all their perspectives (Y/N, Eren, and Colt). It really makes me cry every time I listen to it.
I will see you again soon! We still have more to uncover, to deal with, and to accept. It's gonna be a long wedding night LOL
- zel