Paige bolted up the stairs and I couldn't help but feel sick knowing she overheard our conversation. My heart constricted and panic overwhelmed me; I felt like I wanted to break.
I was supposed to be protecting her from all this.
My mother looked speechless with her hand over her chest as she continued to look in the direction of where Paige went. "Mom, you need to go."
"Mija, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"
"I know!" We knew she was coming down soon, this wasn't a conversation to be getting into. I took a deep breath before I found my voice again, "But I need you to leave so I can deal with this." Without sparing her another glance I made my way up the steps.
Paige's door was one of the first things you see walking up here and seeing it completely shut only made my stomach sink further. Standing outside of the door I heard footsteps from downstairs moving around. I didn't proceed on my task until I heard the front door close, knowing my mother was gone.
With a clear mind I raised my fist and lightly knocked, "Paige sweetie?" No response came for what felt like forever. Cautiously I tried opening the door and a breath of relief left me knowing she hadn't locked it. I slowly pushed it open only to have her soft little sobs fill my ears.
My eyes darted to her bed but she wasn't there. Sniffles and more soft sobs came again from across the room. They just got louder the closer I got; I pulled the door open to reveal Paige with her knees against her chest and her head down.
Seeing her this way was giving me deja vu only this actually happened before. Though instead of Paige, it was me sitting in my closet wondering when my father was coming home. Now I know the truth my parents were keeping from me. During the time he wasn't home it wasn't because he was just working hard. Papi was trying to escape my mother and all the pain she had caused him.
I picked her up and placed her into my lap. Rocking her back and forth, I whispered soothing words to get her to calm down.
"Ma-mama?"
"Yes, sweetie."
She didn't speak, though I knew the question she wanted to ask. It had been floating in the air for months and I did nothing to clear it up for her. I had thought I was doing such a good job at protecting her from all of this. Almost as if I was trying to prove to her that I was enough, that we didn't need him.
How could I think that?
She needed him... she needs him
The truth is I'm still a mess. There are still nights I'm lying in bed and look over to what was supposed to be Jonathan's side and see him. Sometimes I see him looking back at me, like he actually loved me and could never hurt me. Then I have to remember that reality was different. Sure I've gotten my act together, but that's because I had to. When you have a child you aren't left with many options other than to buckle down and push forward. My happiness comes second in this scenario. I'm still very much heartbroken, I didn't expect to heal in a matter of 4 months. This heartbreak was supposed to be my burden, not Paige's. Yet here I am sitting on the floor with my sad daughter in my arms trying to find the best words to explain everything.
I couldn't do this alone and I needed to accept that.
"Sweetie, I don't have all the answers right now. But I think... I think we should have a family dinner."
Paige looked up at me and slowly opened her mouth but closed it again. The frustrated look that came over her face told me she was trying to find the right words.
"That includes Daddy in case you were wondering." The glint in her eyes and the smile that overtook her face was worth it. I stood up with her in my arms and settled her onto her bed. "I'm gonna go call him and see about having that family dinner tonight."
~~~~~~
Just press it, damn it!
Please go to voicemail.....please go to voicemail.....please
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
I haven't willingly called this man since he broke my heart. Anytime he wants to see his daughter, he has to call. Now I'm standing in the middle of my living room calling him because at the end of the day for better or for worse, Jonathan and I were still a team, at least as parents.
Uuugghh...I hate that I just admitted that.
"Hello? Martha?" He said again, breaking me out of my train of thought.
"Um y-yea h-hey." I said as my voice betrayed me, making me sound nervous to speak to him. I internally rolled my eyes.
"Is everything okay?" He sounded genuinely concerned and I missed that.
Nope stop it Martha
"Um," I heard voices come through on his end and could tell he was at the office. "Oh, if this is a bad time, I can just call later."
"No!" He blurted, "I mean, it's not a bad time at all. Please...continue."
"Yea...well um...I was wondering if you were free tonight?" I was biting my lip with one eye closed wondering what was going to be his response.
"Uhh yeah I'm free.....why?"
"Well I figured we could have...a um...family dinner?" Just kill me now.
Why am I asking him like he's going to reject me?
Because he did reject you... What makes you think he actually cares?
He cares about Paige and right now that's good enough
"Of course, I would love that. What time is dinner?" A slight smile was fighting its way onto my lips.
"7:30. Does that work for you?" Honestly I was wondering if it conflicted with any meetings he had scheduled, or a booty call from 'Fuck a married man.com'. I wanted to know what was important to him.
"7:30 is perfect. Should I bring anything?"
"N-no just yourself."
"Okay, I'll see you then."
"Yea see you then." Hanging up the phone I felt myself release a breath that I was holding since I pressed the call button.
~~~~~~
What do you guys think? 👀 Was family dinner a good idea for the Carso Family? 🤷🏻♀️