Featured Lyrics:
In my head, I play a supercut of us
All the magic we gave off
All the love we had and lost
And in my head
The visions never stop
These ribbons wrap me up
But when I reach for you, there's just a supercut
In your car, the radio up
We keep tryin' to talk about us
I'm someone, you may be my love
I'll be your quiet afternoon crush
Be your violent overnight rush
Make you crazy over my touch
But it's just a supercut of us
'Cause in my head (In my head, I do everything right)
When you call (When you call, I'll forgive and not fight)
Because ours are the moments I play in the dark
We were wild and fluorescent
Come home to my heart
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
A/N - Thank you to fudumbass for showing me this song!! It's perfect and made me cry lol
"I'm sorry that we never got to meet up when I was home," you said into the dorm's communal landline phone. It had only been a few days since Thanksgiving and the numbness you felt didn't even give way to any tears. You sat there, hugging your knees to your chest and trying to hear the voice on the other side. People filtered in and out of the common room and you did your best to make the heartache you felt in your chest not too obvious on your face.
"It's okay, Y/N," Mikasa's fuzzy voice comforted you. "Jean and I didn't even end up coming back home. It was just easier for Jean's family to come visit us instead."
You nodded even though you knew she couldn't see you. It had been a while since you heard Mikasa's voice. You were still mourning the loss of one best friend, you were trying the hardest to maintain the other.
You had just recounted the events of your lonely weekend. You told her about wrongfully waiting at the station and for his call. You even told her about the restless night you spent together that left you tired and more alone than ever.
"Even after how hard I tried to keep him," you continued. "He just said that we were over."
Mikasa sighed, "I never thought that you two would ever break up. Not like this."
"He was clearly upset with me, but didn't tell me why. He always does this, he bottles things up and never lets it out until it get's really bad!" You could tell that your voice was rising. "I just don't get it."
You could hear some ruffling on the other side of the line. The sound of a door opening, and the sound of a muffled man's voice. "Oh, sorry, Y/N. Jean just got home."
"Do you need to go?"
"Oh uh, no!" Her voice quieted slightly. "Unless that's okay with you?...No, I just wanted to make sure you didn't need the phone... I can get off if you want me to...Do you want me to?..."
Between her pauses, you could hear the muffled replies of Jean's baritone voice. He seemed to be matching the high-pitched, non-confrontational tone in Mikasa's voice.
Mikasa's voice returned to regular volume as she said, "Sorry, Y/N-"
This time, you could hear Jean's voice a little clearer now, indicating that he had stepped closer to speak. "Do you want fish or beef tonight? Or whatever you want, doesn't matter to me."
You could only sit and listen as a third person. "Did you want fish?"
"You want fish?" Jean genuinely asked back.
"No, I just know you said you didn't like the beef last time so we can have what you want."
"I know, but you said you didn't like the haddock that we had as much so I wanted to know what you wanted."
You could hear Mikasa's exasperated grunt before her voice returned to you. "Sorry again, Y/N, I've got to go. Let's talk again soon? Maybe we can see each other during the winter holidays?"
"Oh, yeah of course!" It was only a second later you heard the slam of the phone down on the receiver. You felt a little shocked at the abrupt ending to your conversation. There was barely an update on Mikasa and Jean's relationship on your short phone call. You knew that they were nearing their one year anniversary. Judging by the discussion you listened in on, you hoped that would be enough to keep them going. Judging by your own failed relationship, even a lifetime didn't feel like enough to keep two people together.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You sat in your dorm with Annie who had her arms crossed, watching you half-heartedly slather on some makeup. "I can't believe you're making me go on this date," you muttered as she stood behind you.
Annie scoffed, sitting comfortably on the edge of your bed. You never thought that you would find yourself relying on her, but you had come back to Marley with a hole in your heart and a desperate need to fill it.
"It'll be fine," she said, stretching out the vowels in her words. "He looks just like your ex and he's a nice dude. He's super normal, I've known him since we were kids."
"I don't know...maybe I should cancel-"
"Fuck no," Annie said, cutting your words off before you could fully say them. "It's been weeks, nearly a month! I'm tired of your moping."
You didn't realize how much time had passed since coming back after Thanksgiving. You hadn't even noticed the frost on the ground or the lack of leaves on the trees. All you could do was keep your head down as you picked pieces of yourself back together.
You hung your head like a ragdoll, slumping your arms like they were the heaviest in the world. "I can't just get over something like this. I just keep thinking about him and seeing him and missing him. It's not like he said he didn't want to be with me so I keep latching onto that."
Annie stood up and positioned herself in front of you, shaking your shoulders. Although she was fairly short, her grip on you was strong. "If your ex wanted to be with you, then he would be with you." She winked and flashed you a rare smirk. "I think this will go well. I'm a pretty good wing woman."
There was some truth to her words that you couldn't deny. In your head, you did everything right. Loving him, never letting him go, and denying all signs that nothing gold stays. Everything that you had ever known was over and you were left with a version of yourself you couldn't stand. You tried to recount the emails, the detachment, and the hints that the love you had always grown up with was beginning to grow apart.
No matter how much you told him you loved him, no matter how much he desired to be with you, at the end of it all he couldn't even call you his best friend.
There were suddenly three taps on the dorm room door and you felt the pit of your stomach tighten. Did your body begin to sweat and your heart rate quicken in the hopes that this new person would like you or out of fear that you would like him?
Annie didn't move from her spot, despite your internal hopes that she would open the door. She simply smirked with raised eyebrows and watched you take shaky steps to the entrance.
Against the screaming in your chest, you grasped the doorknob and twisted it. Even the sound of the latch made your breath shake. Upon opening the door, your eyes trail up the tall torso until you had to crane your neck upwards to meet his eyes.
His hair was short and dark, his eyes were pale green. There was a sense of familiarity to him that didn't bring you that sense of comfort that Annie promised. He looked down at you, unblinkingly with a tight lip smile. "Bertholdt?"
"Hi, Y/N?" You could see his eyes move past you easily since his head towered high above you. "Oh, Annie!"
You twisted your gaze over your shoulder to see her give him a nonchalant wave. When you looked back at your new date, you felt your heart sink at the look he gave her. It was one you knew all too well.
"Alright, you two enjoy your date," Annie called out, as she walked past the living room to her bedroom. Before she disappeared behind the wall, she poke her head out to ask you, "Will you be coming home tonight?" Her words were laced with suggestions and expectations.
You groaned into your hands, at her constant teasing and at the tension you could feel radiating off Bertholdt.
"Yes, of course-"
"Okie dokie, have fun~!" she sang, not hearing your words and slipping away.
You began the uncomfortable walk down the dorm room hallways, hoping that no one you recognized would see you. Just as you were about to exit the building, Bertholdt held out his arm, "Do you want me to help you? It's slippery."
You simply looked at Bertholdt's arm, raising your gaze to meet him. No matter how hard you stared, your mind played an optical illusion on you. In your vision, his hair was a little longer and his eyes were a little darker. It only hurt to see him, like you were drip-feeding poison into your heart. Everything about him was a distorted memory. You simply pulled away, sighing, "That's alright, I can walk on my own."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You sat across from the tall, lanky figure that nervously sipped on his wine. You watched the way his long fingers fiddled in his lap as he tried to make conversation with you. The dark and romantic lamps hung just above the table, casting dark shadows across his face. Although there were many pieces of the atmosphere that could have made your evening more enjoyable, you found your mind slipping through the questions he asked. "So, Annie tells me that you're from Paradis?"
Your eyes snapped up from the napkin you played with on top of the table. "Hm? Oh, yes. Born and raised."
"I lived in Paradis for a little while. It's a pretty cool place. I'd love to visit again one day."
"Most people I know just want to run away from there."
Bertholdt only nodded at your continuous shallow responses. It felt like every sentence spoken was dripping with pretense and expectation for the future, for commitment. Wherever your heart was living now, you knew the sting of falling for someone who wasn't there to catch you. In your head, you were doing everything you could to save Bertholdt from that sort of devastation. In your heart, you felt like you were the one needing the saving.
You did your best to avoid eye contact, you had nearly called him a different name every time he looked at you. The dark shadows that hid his face nearly tricked you into seeing a different dark-haired, green-eyed boy. You were reminded of the fancy dinner and the fancy dress you wore nearly a year ago. Of laughing and dancing, of tension from secret glances and held-back words.
You had no idea how long the silence between the two of you lingered. All you knew was that you were stuck in a never-ending loop of your own mental prison.
"Is that what you did?" Bertholdt suddenly asked. "Run away?"
You shook your head. "No, not this time. If anything, I stayed too long."
Bertholdt released a tight breath and threw back his head to clean off the glass of wine. With a gasp, he placed the empty glass back on the table with a heavy hand. "Listen, Y/N, you seem like a nice person. Annie's told me a lot about you, but even though you say you're not running away, I can't seem to figure out where you are."
Bertholdt's initial sweet and nervous expression was replaced by a cold furrow of his brow and curled lip. You couldn't blame him. You had no idea where you were either.
"I'll be honest," he continued, bouncing his words off the brick walls you were building around yourself. "I'm kinda into Annie so I hope it isn't too awkward for us when I ask her to go out with me." It wasn't surprising, you had grown the talent of recognizing the look in someone's eyes when they see the person they really want to be with. You had seen them on you before.
You watched as he stood up, pulled out his wallet and flipped it open. Without a wink, he took a twenty-dollar bill from the sleeve and tossed it on the table.
Before he began to walk away, he said, "Here's for the drinks. I promised Annie I'd buy you at least one."
You felt your head spinning, regressing into that safe space of your mind to try and soothe the wound you just refused to close. In that safe space, life was fluorescent and alive and running away was never the better option. It was all you knew and you had no idea why you would ever want to leave that safe space in your mind.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
More weeks went by and the season of fall ended just as quickly as it came. The brisk air that rustled loose leaves off thin branches was replaced with frozen icicles that kept the trees in place. Life was getting easier, life was getting lonelier. You hadn't quite figured out how to keep those two feelings separate just yet.
Just as you predicted, Bertholdt was around more often, hanging around Annie like a sick puppy. She was quick to entertain him but slow to respond to his advances for something more. Based on how much time he invested in her, you figured that was all he needed.
You were spending less time back at the dorms and spending more time on chilly evening walks. The cold sting of snowfall and sharp air cleared your mind more than stuffy centralized heating. On one particular evening, you found yourself standing in the middle of the main quad on campus to look up at the moon. You stood there for what felt like hours, watching the clouds pass by its light to cast a shadow that moved across you. Nothing filtered through your mind, as you navigated the shell of the person you had become. The pains of growing up, of changing from what you thought was for the better, of rebuilding what you considered everything weighed heavily on your shoulders.
In your haze, you heard the sound of a lighter flicking on and the smell of noxious smoke filling your nose. You looked over to see a familiar face, taking in a deep drag, the end of his cigarette glowed with ember. "Y/N, it has been a while," he said, with that same princely tone of voice.
"Hi, Zeke, yes it has." You weren't sure how to react to his presence. In some deep way, you felt comforted by being with someone who had known you your whole life. It was a sense of belonging that you missed. It was just a small dosage of that life you clung to.
"How have you been? I was working in my office and saw that you have been standing here for a while."
You had to laugh. He was still looking out for you like you remembered as a child. "That's a little creepy, Zeke."
He smirked, puffing out more smoke from between his lips. "I'm just looking out for my brother's friend."
It felt like so long since you had thought of your best friend in his entirety. You could only remember fragments of pieces you still loved and held on to. Anything between those pieces began to fade. "To answer your question," you replied, "Not good, to be honest. I still feel like I don't have a place here. That there's a part of me still stuck."
Zeke bobbed his head slowly in understanding. He was one of the few people you knew that could synthesize the way you felt. Just like you, Zeke moved away to attend university, to eventually live that successful life you deemed so highly. "Remember, I said that I could introduce you to my student. Gain a new, reliable friend."
You thought of Zeke's suggestion, recognizing the desperate straws you were grasping at to stay afloat. You knew that you couldn't live the rest of your life like this. Living in the past, in the memories, it cut too closely. You were beginning from ground zero as a result of trying to hold onto too much. Being too greedy meant losing it all.
"If things go well, maybe you two could date," Zeke teased. Even in his adult age, Zeke's brotherly tendencies came out. For the first time in a while, you laughed and you could feel yourself feeling lighter. Even the idea of dating didn't trigger you as deeply as it did before. Zeke suddenly turned serious and said, "I kid, I kid. I just think you deserve to be with someone reliable when you date for the first time. Show you what it means to love. It would be nice to learn about someone completely new. Let them learn about you too."
Your head snapped to look at the blonde man, he was still nursing the same cigarette and you could feel your lungs fogging up from the secondhand smoke. From his words, it seemed like Zeke had no idea about those blissful months in the summer you shared with his brother. You debated in your mind to correct him. You decided maybe that was the first step to letting go.
He continued, "Pieke and I...we've been together for so long. We've known each other since we were kids. Broken up, gotten back together, over and over. It's hard loving someone like that." He looked down at you and even in the shadow of the night, you could see his tired eyes. "Sometimes I wonder if she's all I'll ever know. At this point, I think it's true." Zeke took in one last drag from the shrinking stick before tossing it on the ground and stepping on it. "You're lucky, Y/N. You have a chance for a fresh start."
You were thankful for Zeke. You knew that Carla had taught him some wisdom when he lived at home. He had the potential to be a great older brother. Based on everything you knew about the Jaeger family, Zeke would always be seen as just another person that left. At this turn in your life, you were beginning to be okay with adding your name to that list.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
Hello friends! My poor gal going through an existential crisis frfr
I actually removed the original song to this chapter because it didn't fit exactly well with where we were headed. Then, I was a little lost on what to place here instead. I'm so thankful to fudumbass for showing me this song after the last chapter and it fits PERFECTLY! I'm like a song goblin, always on the hunt for more music so feel free to introduce me to anything!
Thank you again for all the love. We were recently ranked #8 on #attackontitan (It's not anymore tho LOL - those rankings fluctuate so much that it doesn't really matter 😆) I'm so excited that this school year is almost over for me and I can find more time to share my story with you all.
I will see you again soon! ♡
- zel