Featured Lyrics:
(the whole song tbh)
You. You were a friend
You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night
You see how it was my fault, of course it was mine
I'm too hard at work
Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life
I'm sorry for wasting your time
Who am I to say this situation isn't great?
It's my job to make the most of it
Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me
Not that easy
Hey what's that you say?
You're not blaming me for anything that's great
But I don't break that easy, does it fade away?
So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed
All along the fault is up for grabs why don't you have it
Well it's for sale go make your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero
Well neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away
And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two that's you and me
The rules remain a mystery. See it can be easy
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You stayed in Eren's home despite the way it tore at your stomach and your heart and your core. You stayed in his room despite every corner reminding you of the cruel reality. You stayed in his bed despite the sheets smelling like an aroma that was infused with the residue of regret and delusion.
The ticking clock was faster than your heartbeat as your body became numb and cold. Your mind had nowhere else to wander as your thoughts became so still, even the echo chamber was quiet. You laid there for what only felt like a few minutes when in reality it was already a few hours since Eren had left. The sun took its sweet time to rise as the hour hand ticked over to 8 AM. Somehow you managed to stay awake but unconscious for three hours.
You could have tried to go back to sleep, but imprinted in the back of your eyelids was the sight of Eren floating above you with softened eyes and kissable lips. It stung to think about how much you had kept yourself open to him. He always spouted fears about what would happen when you eventually left him to live in Marley. It seemed like the door to his heart had closed despite how loudly you knocked.
Eren had taken everything from you. Every precious moment that sparkled like gold in your mind had been tarnished whenever your senses triggered a memory.
Your first kiss, taken by him on a night of selfish desperation when misunderstood and misplaced feelings got in the way. A night of a tearful confession that made you question your loyalty. A night of discovering what it felt to give yourself over for the first time.
Your first love, taken by him on a night of selfish desperation that made you come to terms with a lifetime of secret glances and secret feelings. A night of accepting an inevitable broken heart by the end of summer. A night of jealousy fueling welcomed possessiveness.
Your first time, taken by him on a night of selfish desperation when distance made the heart grow fonder, causing you to be closer than ever. A night where you kept the door wide open, to alleviate his fears. A night where actions spoke louder than words, or so you thought they did.
Your stomach usually churned at the nervousness and the shakiness in your legs in hopes of not messing anything up. Your precious friendship that had infected itself in every corner of your life turned into a disease. All your days of careful contemplation, of loving him loudly, of changing for what felt like the better felt like they were only in vain.
You wondered if he regretted it, breaking your heart.
You wondered if he knew how easy it would be, breaking your friendship.
You wondered just who was to blame for it all, for breaking every pathway in both your lives that lead straight back to each other. Despite the boiling in your blood, you knew that the blame wasn't completely on you or Eren.
The house was silent, leaving room for your mind to brood over the screaming contemplation in your heart. As you laid there, the sound of tires pulling onto the driveway made you jump. It was only 8:30 AM. You knew that you had to talk to Eren, or else the burning in your chest would leave you unchanged, alone, and still in love with him. No matter how hard you tried to keep things the way they used to be, there was something in your life that was no longer working. There was something that needed to change, if it hadn't already.
You quickly gathered your clothes that were scattered around the basement and stood at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for him. Expecting to see him come down, you listened as the front door opened and closed, as his heavy footsteps walked across the main floor to where you remembered an office to be, and as the sounds of muffled talking and wheels made their way into the kitchen.
"How was your first shift, Eren?" the voice of Carla said, a little bit clearer now. You wondered why the sounds of squeaky tires across linoleum tiles accompanied her voice, but you stayed quiet to listen. Her voice was scratchy but still had that same warmth that you would always remember.
"It was fine," Eren replied. Just the sound of his voice made your heart jump. "The guys say they need me back by 9:30 though."
"What time did you get in last night? It sounded like you got off work late." You heard the sound of a bowl being placed on the table and the click of the kettle turning off. "You need to speak to your boss about those hours he's giving you."
Eren laughed, but it was laced with a dismissive tone laced with urgent avoidance. "I get more shifts if I accept the ones no one wants. They're even paying me double today, ma, because of the holiday. Maybe we'll have some space in the budget to get that squeak repaired."
"You look tired, Eren. Are you alright?"
There was a long pause accompanied by a long sigh. "Not really."
"Did you talk to Y/N yet? She called yesterday."
Another long pause. "I don't think she'll want to see me right now."
Carla replied, "You know she's only here for the weekend. You should make the most of your time together." She stopped for a moment and you wished that you could just take a peek. For now, imagination and audible cues had to be enough. You could hear her clearing her throat, the tap turning on, and the deep gulps of water. "You can't blame yourself for everything, Eren."
The sudden scraping of chairs against linoleum made you jump. "Alright, mom, I've gotta get back to work. Do you want me to get you back in bed?"
You couldn't hear a response as the squeaking sound travelled out of the kitchen and back to where you remembered an old office to be. Heavy footsteps carried Eren to the front door and you debated whether or not to follow him out. The front door opened and shut, leaving you trapped in the basement once again. You could hear the sputtering start of Eren's pickup truck and the way it pulled out onto the street before the sounds of the engine faded away.
You had done enough rolling around in your tears. You did your best to sneak out of their home without alerting Carla. The fresh air felt cleansing in your lungs as you trekked familiar sidewalks back home. If you were going to confront Eren, wrinkled clothes stained by his touch and skin slick with remnants of his scent were not how you wanted to present yourself. You wanted to make sure he knew just exactly what he was pushing away.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Through subtle sleuthing, you managed to find out a general idea of Eren's work schedule from your mother. You were thankful that she was still keeping in touch with their family. You learned that he had picked up another job, was still struggling with that last high school math class, and that he was still the only one fully taking care of his mother. You found out that he came home around meal times with little room to spare for himself. His usual work hours would bring him home late at night, but since it was a holiday he had an early evening off.
That was how you found yourself sitting on his front porch, his sweater that you puked on nearly a year ago around your shoulders, waiting for him. You didn't have enough time for uncertainties or unanswered questions. You were already leaving tomorrow, to go back to what now felt more like normal life.
It had been a full day of silent brooding and passionate rehearsal for the things you wanted to say. It was your last chance to just capture just one tiny grain of sand of Eren.
You could hear the engine of his pickup truck creaking its way around the bend and you wondered if anyone had ever complained about the sound. It still made you involuntarily happy to hear it. As it pulled onto the driveway, you stood up on the porch.
As he came around the corner, up the pathway to the door, his head was held low. He hadn't noticed you until you stepped down to meet him.
"Eren, we need to talk."
"Y/N...you're still here." You noticed that he was holding a grocery bag filled with food. The wind rustled the plastic as he lowered it to his side. "It's Thanksgiving tonight."
You were utterly confused by his kind gestures, almost as if he had completely forgotten the state of disarray he left you. "Why did you bring me in when you were just going to push me away again."
"Listen, I shouldn't have let you spend the night. That was my fault, I'll take the blame if that's what you want."
His words felt dismissive and weightless despite the heavy pressure in your chest. "I didn't just spend the night, Eren. I still love you, so much, and clearly, you still love me too. At least that's what it felt like. But when you rejected me again, it made it seem like everything we've done was a mistake. All I wanted was to be with you."
"I've been busy with work." You had clearly struck a chord and Eren's words were growing louder.
"You're always busy with work! Since you started earning money, it's always been an easy excuse." Your volume started to match his as the ringing in your ears and the beating in your chest grew.
"Well it's the truth, Y/N," he spat plainly.
Rolling your eyes, you allowed cutting words to slip through your lips. "God, we're not children anymore. You clearly have such an unhealthy balance in your life that you think every decision has to be one or the other. You never even tried to keep our relationship going." You crossed your arms as your endless thoughts spilled out. "Eren, grow up."
Eren's eyes snapped back and you hadn't even realized he wasn't looking at you this whole time. "Grow up?" His fist was balled around the plastic bag, making the rustling louder. "I've done nothing but grow up, Y/N. You're still living in this haze where dreams and wishes come before everything. That wanting something is enough. It's not."
You couldn't respond. You could see the tension writhing through his body like a snake wrapping around his neck.
"Do you really think I would much rather spend the night at my shitty dead-end job than with my family? That I wanted to stay behind while all my friends move on with their lives? Or that I have to give up my life because of my sick mother?" Eren stopped, internally debating his next words, biting the inner skin of his bottom lip. "Do you really think I don't want to be with you?"
His response wasn't something you expected. You didn't know what delusions you were feeding yourself. Of the idea that Eren was willingly letting you go. It seemed so easy for him. It seemed like he made that decision a long time ago.
"I'm sorry if I've completely wasted your time back home. I'm sorry I made you think we could make it. I'm sorry that we ever fell in love." Eren brushed past you to unlock the door. "You can blame everything on me, I guess." In a sudden plight of desperation, you grabbed his arm to hold him back.
"I'm not blaming you for everything, Eren. I went to you, over and over. Even after all this, you're still the most important person to me but even this hurts too much."
"Great, so do you want to take responsibility for why we didn't work out? You left this place just like all the others. You have a new life, one without me." Eren let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head and brushing the loose strands away from his face. His hair was still tied in the small bun you placed at the nape of his neck. Suddenly, Eren's face became hardened like a statue. A shiver went over you like you had been cast in a shadow. "If you want me to grow up, Y/N, then you need to do the same and let me go."
Eren jutted his arm to release your grasp on him. His back was turned to you as the bright jingle of his keys taunted you.
When he opened the door, he turned one last time. "You always bring out parts of people's lives that they don't want to confront, always demonizing things you don't understand." The sound of squeaking suddenly grew louder as a figure wheeled themselves to greet Eren at the door. You felt your heart drop at the sight of Carla sitting in a wheelchair like a slump. She looked almost unrecognizable. You could see that her eyes had brightened when she saw you at the bottom of the porch steps. "Maybe it's time you think about yourself for once."
Out of the context of Eren's scowl, the burning in your chest, and the tears threatening to spill, Eren's last words would have sounded like an encouraging send-off. However, you knew what he meant. You called out to him. "Wait! Eren, please, what are we now?"
Eren's eyes turned painfully to the ground and he shook his head. "We're over."
You couldn't even react, all along in your mind, you knew it would end this way. In some sick way, you were thankful that Eren had always planted it in your mind that it would never work out. You felt more prepared for this than when you first moved. What you were left with was a moment of solemn acceptance.
Eren turned away, and you saw just a flash of the smile you missed so much. "Hey, ma, sorry I'm late. Let's get our dinner ready."
Carla looked at you just as Eren shut the door and you grabbed a glimpse of her warmth for what felt like the last time.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
This is another chapter that I have been stirring over for the last few parts. I hope it was interesting for you to read! I would suggest reading Chapter 31 - Satellite after this one to see if you can gain some further insight into why our characters are acting the way they are.
Also! It was our lovely angry man Eren's b-day recently! I would suggest reading Chapters 18-20 to remind ourselves of a lovelier time celebrating his b-day.
Although it's sad, we're about to enter a new era! And our timeskip is coming up soon. I'm very excited (BUT VERY NERVOUS LOL)
See you in the next chapter!
- zel
P.s. listen to the song "Don't Know How To Keep Loving You" - by Juila Jacklin as an OG choice that could have been this/the next chapter.