I jolted awake when I felt something heavy on my stomach. It was the last day of spring break before we had to drive home and Kristen was staring at me smiling widely.
"Happy Birthday!" She yelled. Shit that was today. I thought I kept it from everyone.
"Shhhhh......How did you know that?" I asked.
"Your brother is a loud mouth," she laughed.
"Just please don't tell anyone else," I pleaded.
"What, why?"
"Just bad things have happened on my birthday and I relive that every birthday. And celebrating makes it worse," I sadly smiled.
"Okay if you let me do one thing for you," she smirked.
"And what is that?"
"Let me get you whatever present you want,"
"Okay, there is one thing that I have always wanted and now that I am eighteen I don't have to have permission."
"Uh oh this doesn't sound like something Daddy Robert would approve of would he?" She nervously bit her lip.
"First, he probably wouldn't but it might not bother him as much as Jackson, and second, you can just call him Robert you don't have to say Daddy Robert." I explained.
"Yeah but he is more a father than my own father so I like to call him that, and what do want?"
"A tattoo,"
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"I can't believe I am paying for you to do this," she shook her head.
"Hey I hate my birthday and I am letting you do something for me for it, feel special, I don't even normally let my dad do anything,"
"What could have happened that was bad enough to hate your birthday?" She rose her eyebrows but quickly changed her sentence, "I'm sorry you don't have to answer that."
"It's okay, I will tell you later," I cleared my throat so I didn't feel like crying anymore.
"Okay," she softly replied.
"I want this one," I told the guy and pointed to the design on the sheet of paper.
"Okay, my name is Drake and I will do your tattoo, it will take about 2 hours, where would like it?" He responded.
"On my side, right under the bottom of my bra please." I answered.
I layed down on my side as he started. The pain wasn't bad a first but after the first 5 minutes it was a complete different story. I was squeezing the table I was laying on as hard as I could, and biting my lip so I didn't scream. But it was worth it because at the end I got a perfect tattoo just what I wanted. And it would help me get over it. I walked out of the tattoo parlor with a tattoo that was an infinity sign that said love and the date of my birthday on the side of my ribcage. We were in the car on the way back to the beach house preparing for being yelled at by Jackson.
"I have a brother." I stated.
"Well duh, Jackson,"
"No I have another one he was 3 years younger than me," I sighed.
"Oh, what do mean by was 3 years younger?"
"He died on my birthday 5 years ago," I explained.
"So you hate your birthday because of the day but why you shouldn't feel like its your fault,"
"But it is my fault," I sniffled.
"How?" She asked
"Because he was putting up a banner that said Happy Birthday Lexi from one silo to the other, but he couldn't get it to stay so he opened the hole and was going to shut the string in it. But he lost his balance and instead of falling off onto the ground he fell in and couldn't get out," I didn't even realize that I had started to cry. "He fell in," I sobbed.
"Shhhh Lex its not your fault he was young and didn't know better than to just leave the banner. You can't blame yourself. But I do think he would love the tattoo," she cooed.
"You think?"
"Yup, what was his name?" She softly answered.
"Seth William Jackson, " I smiled.
"Once I got home from the hospital that day he died, I found the present that he had gotten me. He had painted my room the color it is now and made me a scrapbook of us together ever since he was born. Then he left an envelope in the back of the book that had 2 things in it. The first was this locket that has a picture of him and I at my eighth grade graduation with me standing behind him and my arms around his neck. And the second was a note that he had written,
'Lexi,
You have no idea how much I love you and wish I could be more like you. I wish I could have a smile that lights up every room I walk into like you do. I wish I could have your brains that ace every test without ever picking up a book. I wish I could have your sense of humor to make all of my friends laugh even when they are sad. I wish I could care about people and animals the way you do. I wish I could break out of my comfort zone and try new things the way you do. I wish I didn't have to depend on others and be my own person, independent, the way you are. I wish I could put my fears and feelings aside for other people in need like you do. Or to be brave to stand up for others the way you do. I wish that even in the most stressful situation I could be calm and collected like you. I wish I could just go with the flow and be easygoing like you can. And I wish that people would trust me with anything and everything like they do you.You have always been my favorite over Jackson. And even though you are taller than me now someday I will pass you up, cause we all know you are short, but even when I do become taller than you, I will always look up to you. You are my hero and role model. I love you Lexi.
Seth"
I recited the letter from memory. I had read it so many times I knew it word for word. Even though Kristen is the only one I have ever told about the letter let alone what it said. I felt like he was the only one that could call me Lexi after that. By now Kristen, being the pregnant woman she is, had started to cry.
"Okay this going to sound really random and maybe insensitive but when we get back to Wisconsin do you want to come with me to find out if little Squishy is a boy or a girl?" She rubbed her slightly enlarged tummy.
"Of course," I squealed and just like that I was happy again and the pain went away.
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"You got what!" Jackson yelled. Today we were going home and I just told Jackson I had gotten a tattoo.
"I got a tattoo," I perkily restated.
"Are you nuts? What could you possibly want on your body permanently?"
"Do you want to see it?" I asked.
"Sure," he said annoyed.
I lifted my shirt to reveal my tattoo. "Do you like it?"
"You got it because of Seth didn't you?"
"Yeah I did," I smiled warmly at him.
"Aw Lex I love it," even though he didn't cry I could see he wanted too in his eyes, "The pain doesn't go away does it?"
"Nope but its gotten better," I nodded. I handed him the note and watched him as he read it line by line laughing when he got to the part about me being short and mocking hurt when Seth said I was his favorite. And as he read the very last line tears started to stream down his face. And that is the first time I have seen him cry since the day Seth died 5 years ago.
"Lets go home," he whispered and we loaded the car and drove.