working on something longer so this is just a little one for now.
hope u enjoy :)
TW: angst, slight smut
—————
"It was just weird." JJ says, kicking his feet on the ground. "What happened between us on the boat. It was just weird."
"Yeah.." Kiara answers, looking down at her fiddling hands before taking a small and cautious step towards him. "But not bad weird."
JJ swallows, feeling the nerves in his stomach and chest growing more intense.
"No. Not bad weird." His words came out automatically, like there wasn't any other answer to those words.
It wasn't bad weird. But it sure as hell was absolutely terrifying and nerve wracking. But still not in a bad way, still not bad weird. Which was both the easiest and the hardest thing to realise. It all makes sense, every single feeling and every single moment they've shared now makes sense. It's a huge relief for both to finally understand and see things clearly, yet there's this underlying feeling of uncertainty and fear. It's something completely new for both of them, having big emotions and feelings that can't be ignored and can't be explained in a better way than that they're in love.
But that word.
Love.
It's terrifying. Despite it's positive effects and aspects, it's absolutely terrifying to love someone. Especially when they're your best friend.
They suddenly stand really close. Their eyes looking right at each other's faces. JJ tries to find a good spot to look but it's impossible, his eyes wanders all over Kiara's face. From her eyes, to her nose, to her eyebrows and finally to her lips.
His eyes stays there for a while, not daring to look away. Kiara simply just looks at his eyes. Observing his eyes and reactions. Even though Kiara might look more calm and reserved on the outside, it's like her walls of emotions would shatter at any second.
They're both nervous, not knowing what to do next. The air feels thick between them, like it's a field keeping them apart but still trying to get them closer. Their next move feeling so crucial, it could determine everything.
"What are we doing?" JJ asks almost whispering. "Nah we shouldn't be doing this." JJ says, answering himself.
"Do what?"
"Do this." JJ says, gesturing back and forth between them. "I mean it would all blow up anyway."
Kiara swallows hard, her stomach sinks at his words. She knows what he means. He thinks he'll fuck everything up, that he's the problem.
She wants to tell him how incredibly and deeply wrong he is but she can't. It's not the right time to start that kind of conversation and it's not the right solution to raise her voice.
"Yeah.. If you say so." Kiara says with a light and calm tone instead.
There is no rush, Kiara thinks. She would never get upset over JJ not being ready to express his feelings. She knows he's struggling, it's so clear and visual like he's a open book. But as said before, to be angry and raise your voice isn't the right solution.
"I mean what do I have?" JJ snaps, causing Kiara to look up at him. "This?!" He continues as he throws his hand up gesturing to his "home". "This piece of shit?!" His voice cracks as throws a can through the door on the porch. "I got no money, nowhere to live and hell I- I don't even got parents right now."
"JJ.." Kiara says in a weak attempt to calm him down.
"No Kie you don't get it! I- I'm not enou- You have this bright future ahead of you and I can't be the one who's in the way of that." JJ pushes the words out, forcing himself to say them.
Kiara feels her stomach drop in sadness, she wants to hug him and hold him as close as possible, whisper in his ear that she's never leaving him no matter what.
But all she can do in this moment is whisper out a quiet:
"What."
"You can't be around me Kie." JJ says, not even looking in her direction.
"JJ.."
"No stop ok?!" JJ's voice is shrieking, he's on the verge of crying. He swallows hard and grits his teeth before continuing. "I mean shit, you almost drowned!" JJ says, throwing his arm up.
"You did too Jay." Kiara says.
JJ meets her eyes, they're so comforting and beautiful. It calms him down for a second until his head starts spinning again.
"It doesn't matter. You shouldn't have done that." JJ spits out.
"JJ, don't say that."
"You could've drowned, it wasn't worth it."
"You could've too Jay!" Kiara snaps, before sighing and calming down. She takes a small step forward. "In that moment, all I could focus on, I all cared about was you. Nothing else mattered."
"You don't care. No you don't." JJ says shaking his head.
"JJ.."
"No you don't care!"
"I do care!" Kiara's strong and steady voice stumbles JJ, swallowing his tears down his throat. "I care so much. I care about you Jay and I always will!
"No I'm just some looser that's-"
JJ's chest is hurting, he's grabbing it with his hand trying to calm down. Kiara waits him out, tries to stay calm herself not to cause him anymore stress. But he's breathing heavily, like he's having a panic attack.
"JJ breathe." Kiara says calmly.
"I can't I-"
"Hey JJ." Kiara grabs his hands. "Look at me."
JJ lifts his head, finding her eyes with his.
"It doesn't matter ok?! Cause you're a-" JJ tries to say something, anything, but his mind is spinning and his body feels weak.
"I'm a what."
"You're a kook Kiara!" His words are shaky and sharp, distancing himself from her touch. His face falls directly after his words left his mouth.
Regret.
Regret.
Regret.
It hits him harder than anything he's ever experienced before. The instant and heavy feeling of regret hits him right in the gut.
"Yeah. I'm a kook." Kiara says, biting back. She knows he doesn't mean his words but she's not letting it go that easy. "I was such a kook when I was living in a cave with you for a month. Soaking in the kook-life."
"That's not what I meant.." JJ frustratingly drags his hands through his hair. "I can't do this right now."
JJ walks up to his motorbike and grabs the steering wheel with both hands.
"Don't leave." Kiara tries. "Jayj, please don't leave."
"What do you want me to do?! Huh?! I can't deal with this shit! I can't just go around almost kissing my best friend pretending it's no big deal!!"
"Then don't."
"What?"
"Don't pretend."
"What are you-"
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I never will." Kiara starts, her voice low and confident. "I know it's hard to accept help but that's what we do, we figure things out and we help each other. Whatever happens we'll handle things together, like we always do."
JJ looks down, fighting the urge to just run away from the situation. It's too much and it's starting to feel suffocating. His hands turn white gripping the steering wheel of his motorbike, it's all too much.
"I'll never leave your side." Kiara continues. "It doesn't matter if anything happens between us or not, I'll always be here."
"Why." JJ breaks, tears streams down his face, his lips shivering from his heavy breathing.
Kiara looks at him, breaking at his state of being. He's so broken yet the strongest person she knows.
Her next words aren't any surprise to her. She tries to think of anything else to say but she can't, it's useless to try. It's the only thing that's right and true. The thing she's felt for longer than she thought.
"I love you."
JJ's heart stops for a mili second.
He heard wrong.
She meant like a friend.
She wouldn't say that.
She's just saying it to make him feel better.
It's not real.
"What." JJ says barley getting the word out as a tear falls down his cheek.
"I love you." Kiara says. Once again.
"No you- I-" JJ tries to speak but his brain can't process it.
"It's ok. You don't have to say anything." Kiara says sincerely, reaching for his wrist.
She means it. She would never force him to say or do anything he wasn't comfortable with. Her fingers plays with his bracelet, begging to feel his skin against hers. But she pushes it down, she needs to be cautious.
"I just wanted you to know." Kiara continues cautiously. "There's no pressure to-"
"I'm sorry." JJ speaks. "I'm sorry Kie."
"I know." Kiara says smiling, stroking her fingers up his lower arm.
She can feel goosebumps instantly forming as her skin touches his.
"I didn't mean it, I was just-" JJ tries to explain himself, he wants to, needs to. He needs her to know that the words he's said was built on fear and to protect him. The words working like a big wall, protecting him from what he truly believes he doesn't deserve. "I'm fucking terrified Kie. Every single possibility of this going to shit runs through my mind and I- I just.. I flipped."
Kiara listens to him, let's him speak and take his time to express himself. It's not a usual occurrence that JJ Maybank shares his thoughts and feelings, but he wants to with her, no matter the outcome.
"I'm also terrified." Kiara confesses. "It's all very new. But we'll figure it out, together, like we always do."
"Love you too." JJ says.
There's no words to describe, express nor explain the strong feelings between the two of them. In this moment it's made clear that they need, want and desire each other. The word love, despite it's scary aspects, is the only fitting word to use.
And god does it feel good to say it out loud.
JJ let's out a sigh of relief and breaks into a smirk. Kiara's lost in a haze of emotions, the butterflies flying wildly around in her stomach. Her eyes are on him, on JJ, only him.
The haze breaks by a small chuckle from JJ. Kiara blinks and shakes her head lightly, coming back to reality.
Kiara let's out a relieved chuckle and smiles back at him. Her cheeks hurts from smiling so hard, she can't contain her giggles.
"I can't believe I'm gonna be mackin' on Kiara Carrera." JJ says in between chuckles, now smirking big at Kiara.
Kiara's laughter fades and her cheeks turn red. JJ has his playful and flirty smile on his face. His lips in a thin line, his eyes filled with warmth and lust and his jaw slightly clenched. He's suddenly hit by a wave of confidence.
"Wha-" Kiara opens her mouth to say something but it falls flat as her lips are suddenly met with his.
She's a little shocked at first but quickly relaxes into his lips and closes her eyes.
JJ slowly moves his lips against hers. The kiss is gently and sweet, but there's a undertone of lust and wanting even more. But JJ takes it slow, pecking her lips while his hand rests on her jaw and the other hand strokes her arm down to her hand. He intertwines his fingers with hers.
The touch is making Kiara's head dizzy, but it's a desirable touch. A touch she's been longing for. She captures the kiss and his touch, feeling his hands on her skin.
JJ pulls away, but they're still close. JJ rests his forehead against hers and their noses brushes against each other. Their chests are heaving, their breathing loud and heavy by the movement.
Kiara opens her eyes, slowly, not wanting to break this feeling or in any way interrupt the moment.
She's met with a pair of ocean blue eyes looking right back at her. She didn't realise how close they were, and yet she wanted to be even closer.
"Sup." JJ says low, almost like a whisper.
"Hi." Kiara answers, smiling.
"You good?"
"Mhm." Kiara answers. "You're a good kisser."
JJ blushes and Kiara gets shivers down her whole body. The effect she has on him is extremely enjoyable and pleasurable.
"Really?" JJ says back with a flirty tone, as he nuzzles his nose against hers.
"Mhm." Kiara's voice is weak, they're both playing the game of dominance.
"Wanna know what else my mouth can do?" JJ's low voice is full of desire and lust.
Kiara doesn't have time to think, she just nods and let's out a small begging sound.
"Please."
JJ closes the gap between them, pushing her body against his, exploring her body and face with his hands and mouth.
———
JJ gently and slowly puts her down on his unmade bed. It feels unreal seeing her in his room, in his bed, underneath him with her hair falling down her face, rosy cheeks and puffy lips.
She's breathtaking.
"Hey." Kiara whispers, stroking his cheek with a little smile. "You good? You zoned out a little on me there."
"Yeah, sorry I just-" JJ nods and smiles back at her. "You're beautiful."
Her rosy cheeks turns bright red and she lets out a little laugh.
"You're beautiful too." She answers through her wide smile.
JJ lowers himself down, kissing her neck and moving her hair away so he reaches every inch of her skin. He leaves sweet and soft kisses everywhere, taking his time. He wants her to know, to feel how much he loves her.
"Jay.." Kiara's voice is weak and low, barley getting any word out.
"Mhm." JJ answers as he moves his lips to the other side of her neck and keeps leaving kisses. His hand massaging her cheek and jaw.
"C'mere." Kiara let's out.
JJ keeps kissing her neck, being completely focused on her warm and soft skin. He doesn't acknowledge her command.
"Please Jay." Kiara tries again but as the last word comes out, JJ finds her sweet spot causing a moan to break through the room.
It stuns them both a little, JJ looks down at her. She's already a mess of breathy lips and weary eyes, her hair falling perfectly down her face.
"Im not even close to being done with this and you're already a moaning mess." JJ jokes. "Sure you're up for this Carre-"
"Shut up and kiss me." Kiara snaps, tired of his flirty and playful remarks. "I need your lips on mine, now." Kiara pushes the words out with another moan.
"Fuck." JJ says breathlessly.
"That's the plan." Kiara smirks grabbing his face and pushing her lips to his.
This kiss is needy and full of lust and love. She wants to kiss every little inch of his lips, feel his touch all over her.
It feels better than either of them could've ever imagined or hoped for. They flirt, laugh and moan together in their own little space. It's only them and that's the only thing they need.
They both end on such a high feeling, reaching their end together with each other's bodies and minds in complete focus.
"Well there goes the no pouge on pouge macking rule." JJ says out of breath, laying down on his back on the bed.
"It was a stupid rule anyway." Kiara replies, crawling up to his side.
JJ chuckles and kisses her temple, falling asleep in each other's arms.
Despite the feeling of unreality and like they're both living in a dream, they couldn't be more happy. They've finally got where they've always wanted to be.
Which is together.